Can't find coping mechanism

[LostInTheDrift]

Happily lived with ex-girlfriend for 6 years, plus stepson and 3-year old son. Then last month I lost my job and a day later found out that my partner had been having an affair for 6 months.

Now I am the only name on mortgage, and can't afford to sell up as I can't buy a new place, or rent anywhere without a job. This means we still live together, and I haven't even begun to get over either her infidelity, or come to terms with her desire to move the rest of the family out in January.

 

In the meantime, I have to somehow live with the fact that she goes out every other night and spends the night with her new man. This feels, as you might imagine, as hurtful and demeaning as when I first discovered her infidelity.

 

I seem to have mislaid my friends since I moved to the city I now live in, or they were mutual friends who are now avoiding me out of embarrassment, or because my partner was always more charismatic than me.

 

So I appear to be jobless, single, friendless, and stuck in looking after the kids while she spends nights out on the town and with her new love.

 

Ha, that was a self-pitying little rant. But seriously, anyone out there with a magic wand, please wave it my way, because things seem to be getting worse rather than better.

[Tony T]

That your "partner" now has you keep the kids while she goes out with her lover is proof to me she's nothing more than a lowly piece of trash and doesn't deserve you. Kick her butt out of the house at your earliest opportunity. It is absurd and ridiculous to take care of the kids and house her while she conducts sexual relationships with other men.

 

Use this fact to pick yourself up and gather the strength to make a new life for yourself and your children (or just your son, or whatever). This is a time when you can't afford to be down and depressed. You need to get mad as hell and get motivated.

 

You have mismanaged your life incredibly to this point, letting friends slip away because you neglected them in favor of this petty piece of poop you have been living with and not paying enough attention to your career to keep it going properly. Now is the time to change all that.

 

Take a cold shower and make serious plans, on paper, to get your life in order...to make new friends....to build a support system...to network and get a new job or learn a new and profitable career. If you can't find a job, do some research and form your own business using whatever talents you have or can detect.

 

I'm really sorry but I can't feel sorry for you. Women don't go out and have affairs, usually, unless there are things seriously lacking at home. So you need to also take inventory of where you lack in the relationship department and fix that too for when you find a really decent woman to couple with.

 

You've got some work to do now...so get off the Internet now and onto your word processing program...and start typing out a master plan to re-create your life. If you have problems, talk to people who can help you...read books...do research.

 

The universe is indifferent as to whether you are happy or not, employed or not, a success or a failure. It's totally up to YOU to create what you want your life to be. Right now it's in shambles. You cannot build a proper esteem for yourself while babysitting kids when your roomie/"partner" is out screwing other men. That's a lot of horsecrap.

 

As soon as you have some money coming in, hire a barrister and get her out of your life legally. Do some really good planning...you don't have room for anymore mistakes in your life....at least not right now. Since you are not married to her and the home you live in is in your name only, you must kick her butt out into the streets as soon as is practical for you to do so. Remaining in the same quarters with her will be demoralizing and hurtful.

 

When the going gets tough, the tough get going...so move it!!!

[midori]

Everything Tony said is absolutely right. Your ex-partner is disgusting. Relationships falter and sometimes they don't recover. People fall out of love, and they in love with new people. OK, but to rub your former love's face in it? To lack the common decency to vacate the home as soon as you've decided to vacate the relationship? No, not OK. Anything but OK.

 

Obviously there were some problems in your relationship with her that you missed. Tony's right, you need to figure out why you weren't cued into that. Might take some time. But no matter how much of the relationship's demise was your fault, no matter how clueless you were about it, her current behavior is so overwhelmingly selfish and cruel that, in your shoes, I would actually be questioning whether or not she is a fit parent. She wants to "move the family out" in January? How about she gets her butt out tomorrow, and the kids stay with you? If you can't have legal custody of your step-kid (and maybe you wouldn't want it) you at least ought to be able to make the case for your superior suitability as a parent to your own child, given her patterns of behavior. Unless there's something you haven't shared with us (drug use, domestic violence) ...

 

I'm sure it's an awful time for you, having lost your job on top of everything. But if you passively accept this situation as something you don't want but aren't going to fight, you will probably live to regret it. Your child might too. You can't fight to make her stay (and why would you want to anyway, she sounds awful). But that doesn't mean that every move is hers to make.

 

Say you were playing tennis with her. You were anticipating a nice, light, friendly game. But she started pounding you with hard serves and returns. Not the kind of game you had anticipated or even wanted -- but would you just lie down and let her win? You can't make her stop playing hard, but you don't have to let everything go her way. Likewise, if she stops playing altogether, why should you try to entice her back onto the court? Say good riddance to her and find someone better to lob the ball back & forth with.

 

If you think your child would be better off with you, get yourself to a lawyer pronto and get the legal gears grinding. In the meantime, tell Ms. Flagrantly Unfaithful that if her stuff isn't packed & out of the house by the end of the weekend it will simply be removed and disposed of. To hell with Christmas. She has NO ONE to blame but herself. If the kids want to stay they can, but not her. The mortage is in your name, huh? Well guess who gets to call the shots about the house ....