Worst Friend Ever?

[truly816]

Over a year ago, one of my roommate had a short lived "situation" with a guy, John, whom we both work with. They basically had a series of make out/cuddle meetings, which lasted for a month or two before she decided she wanted to date him. He, however, didn't want to date someone from work. She was very upset about this for a while, but has worked on being friends with him in the mean time.That being said, I never felt like I had to worry about how I acted around John because I knew I'd never date him. As it turns out, we actually built a very good friendship - he's very easy to talk to, we like similar things, have similar hobbies, etc. About two months ago, we were hanging out with other friends when John told me that he had had a crush on me for over a year (basically since we met). Although I was flattered, I shrugged it off, as I was dating someone else at the time. (That relationship has since ended.) About a month ago, John and several other friends spent the night at our place after a night on the town...but somehow he ended up sleeping in my bed with me. He kissed me - but I told him I couldn't do this because of what happened between him and my roommate. We talked about it for a while, and I thought that would be the end of it.The next weekend, however, we were again hanging out with friends and he asked me if he could take me out some time. I told him that out of respect for my roommate (who still likes him), I really couldn't. He was visibly disappointed and down about it - he said he really thought we had a connection, and he asked me to think about it for a month. I don't know if it's because he's been so persistant or what, but I'm not sure what to do. In a perfect world, I would date him, just because I think we'd be very well matched. But this obviously isn't a perfect world! I haven't told my roommate about any of the things he's said, only because I think she'd be hurt by it...but at the same time, she's one of my best friends and not telling her this is killing me. Should I tell her what has been going on? Should I give John a chance, even though the thing between him and my roommate was over a year ago?

[McFadden]

I would talk to your roommate and find out how she feels about it if your friendship with her is important to you. Who knows, she may tell you to go for it. But if not then you will have to make a decision between them. If you really see a future between you in the guy maybe its worth pissing off your friend. Anyway tell your friend what's going on first of all. There's no way you can date or flirt with him without her finding out about it, so you might as well be upfront.

[RecordProducer]

Absolutely you should go for it. You and John are a good match and she and John are history. The fact that she likes him is her problem. It's not like he is her ex-husband and the father of her children that she can't get over. This only lasted for a couple months and wasn't serious. She doesn't have monopoly on John. Or you. No one should control your choices. If they were dating right now, yes, it wouldn't be kosher for you to steal her boyfriend. But the case is such that if she gets mad at you for dating John, she will be the one who is trying to steal your potential soul mate from you!

[Trialbyfire]

I would walk away from this situation. Real friends are hard to come by. If she means that much to you, a guy you barely know doesn't rate.

 

As for telling her, you can simply say that the guy hit on you and you weren't interested. Keep in mind that if she really likes/liked him, you will be hurting her too and potentially harming the trust in your relationship.

[Kamille]

I really admire your poise in all this. I do think you should test the waters with your friend before anything happens. I for one believe friendship is much more important then the possibility of a relationship with a guy.

 

I also wonder what makes you so sure that your friend still has feelings for John. Did she say so or are you just going on a gut feeling? If it is a gut feeling, then you should really talk to her. Who knows, she might be over him.

[RecordProducer]

If it is a gut feeling, then you should really talk to her. Who knows, she might be over him.

And what if the friend is still into him? Who should sacrifice for whom? The friend loses or gains nothing if this lady hooks up or doesn't hook up with John. But for the original poster there IS a huge difference between those two options. Perhaps she and John will get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.

 

If the friend is not willing to get over a 2-month casual dating after a year then something is wrong with her head, if you ask me. Just because she likes him doesn't mean that no one ever has to lay their hands on him.

 

The principal to not mess with this situation follows the premise that the friend got John first. But the OP might be his last!

[truly816]

I also wonder what makes you so sure that your friend still has feelings for John. Did she say so or are you just going on a gut feeling? If it is a gut feeling, then you should really talk to her. Who knows, she might be over him.

 

 

I really appreciate everyone's advice so far!

 

Because my friend and I are roommates, I know she still likes John. She makes comments after seeing him like, "Oh, John...he kept flirting with me today" (even when he isn't). I think the part that would hurt her the most is that he told her he didn't want to date her because they work together...but John doesn't seem to have a problem with dating me even though we work together as well. I think I'm going to close this door, just because I don't think it's worth losing a friend. If John and I are supposed to be together, it'll happen some other way or at some other time.

[Kamille]

I really appreciate everyone's advice so far!

 

Because my friend and I are roommates, I know she still likes John. She makes comments after seeing him like, "Oh, John...he kept flirting with me today" (even when he isn't). I think the part that would hurt her the most is that he told her he didn't want to date her because they work together...but John doesn't seem to have a problem with dating me even though we work together as well. I think I'm going to close this door, just because I don't think it's worth losing a friend. If John and I are supposed to be together, it'll happen some other way or at some other time.

 

I agree. It could just be that now is just not the right time. You sound very balanced on all this. And I think I would make the same decision. I really value friendship above romance, or rather think that romance is better started without sacrificing friendship.

 

And what if the friend is still into him? Who should sacrifice for whom? The friend loses or gains nothing if this lady hooks up or doesn't hook up with John. But for the original poster there IS a huge difference between those two options. Perhaps she and John will get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.

 

If the friend is not willing to get over a 2-month casual dating after a year then something is wrong with her head, if you ask me. Just because she likes him doesn't mean that no one ever has to lay their hands on him.

 

 

I understand your point, but at the same time it makes me unconfortable. I care a lot about my friends and my friends' well-being. I think the only way I would consider dating an ex of a friend who wasn't completely over him was if the feelings we had for each other were really grounded, really strong, really exceptional. And those kinds of things you discover over time, not by throwing yourself into things. I really believe that a little restraing and some integrity goes a long way.