Winning her heart, again... how?

[Guest]

Long story short, me and my girlfriend of 3 yrs broke up about a month ago. I went no contact for about two weeks that slowly transitioned into Low contact. I must say that its been hard for me since i can't really show her how i truly feel because of fear that i might push her away.

 

So far people have told me to stay cool, collected, and act like i dont care. Make sure she knows that im ok with the break up. It sorta worked, because now shes actually talking to me and opening up about topics she wouldv'e never said after the break up. She says she misses me, loves it when she sees me, and she still calls me consistently.

 

I know it seems like shes using me as a security blanket but thats not the case here. She turned down all the guys that have been hitting on her. She isnt even interested in going out. And she always tells me to go find other girls.

 

She admits that shes confused, and that the only reason why she isnt ready to jump back into the relationship is because she doesnt feel that she has feelings for me anymore. Although she has admitted that she does want to get back with me. We both agreed in letting time tell whether or not we should be together.

 

I remain in low contact for now. But are there any tips out there in winning her heart? How do i re-ignite what we used to have? What actions should i take so that shell forget the bad boyfriend she dumped?

 

How do i get her to love me again.. what can i do?

[stace79]

If we could take steps to make someone fall in love with us, none of us would be here on this message board...

 

I think that's the biggest red flag...that she said she doesn't have feelings for you anymore. I think you should just ignore her and move on...

 

If someone doesn't love you, that is not an obstacle you can overcome like earning back trust or proving you're going to work harder in a relationship. If love isn't there, it just isn't there. I'm sorry.

 

But are there any tips out there in winning her heart? How do i re-ignite what we used to have? What actions should i take so that shell forget the bad boyfriend she dumped?

 

How do i get her to love me again.. what can i do?

[CaliGuy]

Long story short, me and my girlfriend of 3 yrs broke up about a month ago. I went no contact for about two weeks that slowly transitioned into Low contact. I must say that its been hard for me since i can't really show her how i truly feel because of fear that i might push her away.

 

So far people have told me to stay cool, collected, and act like i dont care. Make sure she knows that im ok with the break up. It sorta worked, because now shes actually talking to me and opening up about topics she wouldv'e never said after the break up. She says she misses me, loves it when she sees me, and she still calls me consistently.

 

I know it seems like shes using me as a security blanket but thats not the case here. She turned down all the guys that have been hitting on her. She isnt even interested in going out. And she always tells me to go find other girls.

 

She admits that shes confused, and that the only reason why she isnt ready to jump back into the relationship is because she doesnt feel that she has feelings for me anymore. Although she has admitted that she does want to get back with me. We both agreed in letting time tell whether or not we should be together.

 

I remain in low contact for now. But are there any tips out there in winning her heart? How do i re-ignite what we used to have? What actions should i take so that shell forget the bad boyfriend she dumped?

 

How do i get her to love me again.. what can i do?

 

 

Time will do the work for you but I suggest you keep your contact to a minimum. I would even take her advice and go out with others. If her heart is to change, it won't be because of something you do. It will be because she misses you and realizes what you both had.

 

And only time away from each other could possibly do that.

 

Don't be at her beck and call, keep yourself busy with work, friends, hobbies, the gym, etc. After all, if you can't make yourself happy alone you won't be able to be in a relationship and make someone else happy.

[2ndIINone]

And she always tells me to go find other girls.

 

Hah! Typical test.

How do you respond when she tells you this?

[CaliGuy]

Hah! Typical test.

How do you respond when she tells you this?

 

You date other women. I don't think it's a test at all. I think that's the most blatent way of saying "I don't ever want to be with you again" I've ever heard.

[2ndIINone]

You date other women. I don't think it's a test at all. I think that's the most blatent way of saying "I don't ever want to be with you again" I've ever heard.

Not always my friend.... we would need more info.

It could mean one of two things....

A.) Find other girls = I'm not interested.

B.) Find other girls = *but please fill my ego, tell me no one else matters and tell me how much you love me, for IF you do see other girls then you must not love me as much as you say* = test.

 

Got me? I've seen/heard this one before too. The minute you admit dating other girls... they just THROW it in your face even though they told you too.

 

yes, he should date others, but I don't like it when a girl teases the guy... hence... because now shes actually talking to me and opening up about topics she wouldv'e never said after the break up. She says she misses me, loves it when she sees me, and she still calls me consistently.

But then turns around and says "go date other women." Sounds like a trap to me.

 

 

Bottomline: don't be so available.

[Guest]

Hey,

 

When she told me to date other girls, i did. Then all of a sudden she gets extremely mad, even crying over the phone saying "how could you?". She said i was a bad person for doing so.

 

The next day she said sorry for saying what she said. But until today, she's still upset that i went out and practically dated tons of girls. What annoys me, is everytime she says shes upset, she turns around and says its ok.

 

What does that mean? Does that mean she still has some sort of feelings?

 

Thanks for the responses. Any more tips on getting her to come around?

[thecount]

Hey,

 

When she told me to date other girls, i did. Then all of a sudden she gets extremely mad, even crying over the phone saying "how could you?". She said i was a bad person for doing so.

 

The next day she said sorry for saying what she said. But until today, she's still upset that i went out and practically dated tons of girls. What annoys me, is everytime she says shes upset, she turns around and says its ok.

 

What does that mean? Does that mean she still has some sort of feelings?

 

Thanks for the responses. Any more tips on getting her to come around?

This does mean she still has feelings. thats why she's upset. If she didn't have any feelings she wouldn't care.

 

My ex used to do the samething to me. Go date others. i did, but didn't tell her. i don't have to. she's my EX. i owe her no explainations. She wanted out, and so she's out. Am I hurt? sure I am, but i think back to all the crap this girl put me through, and then i glad that its over.

 

Dating sucks, it's horrible. at times not even having fun.

 

a little story i think you might enjoy.

 

I went out on a date and this girl was just being obnoxious. As the night went on she was getting a little tipsy. As she went to get up from the table, i thought it was the chair that made the sound, but she put her hand over her mouth and said Ooopsie!! She farted. hahahahahaha

 

Needles to say i havn't spoken to her since.

[2ndIINone]

Ooopsie!! She farted.

 

 

Oooopsie?? That's great! Too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

 

 

When she told me to date other girls, i did. Then all of a sudden she gets extremely mad, even crying over the phone saying "how could you?". She said i was a bad person for doing so.

 

You see? It was a 'test'. You passed. But failed. Kinda hard to explain. You passed in my eyes... Counts eyes and in every other guys eyes that are in your position. You didn't wait around, NOR did you say to her... "Oh baby, I would NEVER date anyone other then you sweetheart!" which is what she was 'hoping' to hear. So you passed in 'our' eyes, but in hers ... you failed. But it was a good "F" you received. Let me explain, yes, she was hurt, but it's not your fault. She left the relationship...and SHE knows that... and you also showed her you aren't playin' any games. Most likely she sat at home kickin' herself in the @ss for telling you to date, even though that's NOT what she really wanted.

 

It's a good thing.... she still does have feelings... ready for the kicker??? Keep your distance. And no it's not a game you are playing. It's called setting boundaries. You have to let her know, that she can't walk on you, play games with your head and heart any time she wants. She walked, she dumped you. Instead of beggin and pleadin, you moved on with confidence.... letting her know that you can live 'with or without' her. Keep your emotional level with her to a minimum. She's got to wonder a bit. And hopefully, wonder if she's made a mistake in leaving you.

[Trialbyfire]

I'll just add one thing, from a female's perspective. If you're both in your teens or early twenties, this may work. Starting mid-twenties and older, your risk grows because as girls mature to women, they won't put up with that crap. Say Sayonara, if you play games.

[Island Girl]

Hey,

 

When she told me to date other girls, i did. Then all of a sudden she gets extremely mad, even crying over the phone saying "how could you?". She said i was a bad person for doing so.

 

Ahhhhhhhh.

 

Now it all makes sense.

 

She doesn't want you but LOVES the fact that you are devoted to her and only her.

 

She wants it to remain this way.

 

She has lost respect for you unfortunately.

 

Perhaps you accepted way too much poor behavior from her before - I'm sure she had great excuses too like she's afraid of loving you or whatever. -- I've used them all and they'd take too long to detail.

 

Bottom line is you made yourself a doormat and she wants it to stay that way.

 

Complete adoration of her and what she is feeling or needing and no care for you or how you must be feeling. --- And please don't post back about how much she does care about how you feel.

 

She really only wants to know if you are still sprung on her or not. So when she asks about your feelings she is wanting the ego boost that you still care and no one else could take her place, etc.

 

I'm telling you. I wrote the book -- she's just reading it.

 

The best thing you can do is NC. And move on.

 

If she comes back, make her suck your a$$ before you jump back in. At least you'll get a little more respect injected back into the relationship.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Hey,

 

When she told me to date other girls, i did. Then all of a sudden she gets extremely mad, even crying over the phone saying "how could you?". She said i was a bad person for doing so.

 

 

I got the same message from my wife, and when I did she got quite upset. I had given her this little platinum heart pendant and necklace. She's one of those people that gives back things I gave her, so she gave the necklace back to me an said "here go pawn it, but I want to see a reciept b/c I don't want you giving it to some girl."

 

Why the mixed messages? I don't know I guess it is just to sate their ego. Oh well games people play

[Island Girl]

I got the same message from my wife, and when I did she got quite upset. I had given her this little platinum heart pendant and necklace. She's one of those people that gives back things I gave her, so she gave the necklace back to me an said "here go pawn it, but I want to see a reciept b/c I don't want you giving it to some girl."

 

Why the mixed messages? I don't know I guess it is just to sate their ego. Oh well games people play

 

"I don't want you but I don't want you with anyone else either."

 

That's all.

 

Just selfish egotism. That's all.

[2ndIINone]

they won't put up with that crap.

well apparently I have a 34 year old as well, that won't grow up either... cause she had said the same to me... then got mad.

I prefer the term... emotional mature. And not just mature.

 

Guest's ex started the mess by telling him something she really didn't want or mean. There is a fine line between games and boundaries. ALL relationships need some boundaries... when they trickle over into games.... it's doomed.

She really only wants to know if you are still sprung on her or not. So when she asks about your feelings she is wanting the ego boost that you still care and no one else could take her place, etc.

Bingo!

 

"I don't want you but I don't want you with anyone else either."

That's all.

Just selfish egotism. That's all.

Rightto' again.

[Trialbyfire]

well apparently I have a 34 year old as well, that won't grow up either... cause she had said the same to me... then got mad.

I prefer the term... emotional mature. And not just mature.

I'm talking about games in general. Reasonable boundaries are another thing.

 

One thing I did notice is that the OP doesn't specify who broke up with whom.

[Guest]

I'm talking about games in general. Reasonable boundaries are another thing.

 

One thing I did notice is that the OP doesn't specify who broke up with whom.

 

Yeah, im the one that got dumped. We're both relatively young (both 19 yrs old)

 

I have decided not to initiate any contact and let her do all the work. I'm exhausted emotionally in trying to get her back that i refuse to do anything anymore to win her back. (i.e. calling her, asking her to go out, being there for her when she needs someone to talk to.)

 

Its time to stand my ground. Because she told her friends that the only reason she's talking to me, is because its "nice to have someone to talk to, and go out with."

 

So you know what, ive decided to just let things be and do my own thing. If you want me, then come and get at me. Cause ive done everything to try to win her back and nothing works.

 

Perhaps distancing myself, not sounding so damn excited when she calls, not being so available, not initiating contact, and giving her reasonabe space to think by herself, may make her come back...

 

is it possible?

 

opinions guys?