Kayli Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I was unfaithful over two years ago. we broke up and then got back together. he said he forgave me but now says he can never forget and doesn't fully trust me still. i can understand this but it seems a bit strange after two years. we are now engaged and have been together for 4 years total. he thinks that he can only learn to trust me again apart but i want us to actually get some professional help and work through this. Am i dillusional or is he not willing to try. can anything even be done so much later? is there any way/point in trying to convince him? he is actually wanting for us both to see a professional about this but not together as a couple or try it first staying together. thanks for any help. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Hmmmm....need more info. What led to your cheating? What were the circumstances of your cheating? (who with, what did you do, how long, what else was going on at the time) Did you come clean voluntarily? Have you made changes in your BEHAVIOR and ACTIONS that both reduce the chance of cheating recurring, AND increase the chance that he would be able to detect it if it did? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayli Posted March 29, 2007 Author Share Posted March 29, 2007 ok, here goes... i suppose technically (not that it matters) i didn't actually cheat. kinda. I spent the night in bed with another man and lied to him about it, but i didn't so much as kiss him once. he found out six months later when a vindictive friend told him to get back at me. I told him everything once i was 'caught' but it is obviously hard for him to believe nothing happened. not that i am totally innocent anyway. i did it because i had just turned 22 and was living like i was married. i freaked and panicked a bit. a friend invited me to a party and i went. i flirted and he passed out drunk in the bed with me. the whole point is i lied. i felt terribly guilty but still couldn't tell because i knew the story sounded terrible. now he says he can never fully trust me until we are appart and he learns to on his own, without me, but still wants to be best of friends and hang out constantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayli Posted March 29, 2007 Author Share Posted March 29, 2007 oh, yeah, and i thought i have done everything possible to act as best i can to have him believe me. i have completely severed all ties and we have even moved to a different state since. he says there isn't really anything else i can do, 'it's not me it him' kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
lorr Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Regardless of whether anything happened in the bed or not with your male friend, your partner is having a tough time dealing with it. Because you chose not to tell him about the incident, it has cast doubts and mental images in his mind. Its all easy to suggest seeing a professional, but I'm afraid its down to him whether he wants the relationship to continue. It seems that after 2 years he still doesn't trust you, and now he wants out of the relationship,that's why he's using the infamous "Its not you, its me" line. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 ...i flirted and he passed out drunk in the bed with me....i did it because i had just turned 22 and was living like i was married...i freaked and panicked a bit... Hmmmmm. A few ideas for you to consider: "Flirting" does not take place in a BED. If "living like you're married" causes you to "panic", then you nay be better off not attemtping to live in that way. And a question as well: How inebriated were you that you chose to spend the night next to a passed-out drunk? Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 This is just a complete gut feeling, but it sounds to me as though he wants to break up for some other reason and is using your past mistake as an excuse so he doesn't have to shoulder any of the blame. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 Both of you were/are young. Sounds like, When you cheated (or didn't) you made a big impression on your BF. Being young, and less experianced than some, he thought he could get over it. Often, people, men and women never get over it. In some cases it's not a "lack of trust", it's a change in perception. This is often seen in sex. Lovemaking is sometimes turned into a sex only act. Fidelity and committment are major components of Making Love. Sex is an act of penetration and orgasm. I have read many threads by ladies here on LS that dance around this issue. Many can "never forget". Not that they don't want to forget they just cant. From personal experiance (male) I can relate that when I discoved my then wife (now long ex) of 25 years was cheating it made profound changes in my pysche. Due to logistical and financial concerns we were living in the same house for six weeks before she was able to rent a "love nest" for her and her new lover. We had sex a dozen times during those six weeks, and it was horrible, and nausiating. I could not put the visions of her pleasuring and being penetrated by another man out of my mind, I was angry and sad. Your guy may be feeling the same things and has just ran out of effort to give. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 ok, here goes... i suppose technically (not that it matters) i didn't actually cheat. kinda. I spent the night in bed with another man and lied to him about it, but i didn't so much as kiss him once. lied in bed with another man all night..and ya only kissed him once?....ya....uh huh. he found out six months later when a vindictive friend told him to get back at me. Althought getting back and revenge cheating isn't acceptable behavior from someone decent...I can't blame his friend for trying to persuade him to do so. i did it because i had just turned 22 and was living like i was married. i freaked and panicked a bit. Maybe you shouldn't get married then. a friend invited me to a party and i went. i flirted and he passed out drunk in the bed with me. the whole point is i lied. no....lets say you are telling the truth about only kissing this guy once and that he did pass out, which I don't buy...but lets just assume. If he didn't pass out, you would have f#cked him...don't say you wouldn't have either. But your bf doesn't believe your story and rightfully so. i felt terribly guilty but still couldn't tell because i knew the story sounded terrible. now he says he can never fully trust me until we are appart and he learns to on his own, without me, but still wants to be best of friends and hang out constantly. Then you should respect his wishes. If he wants to move on because he doesn't trust you, then thats all there is to it. If you can't be friends with him...then don't keep in contact with him. Leave him alone to get on with his life and find someone that won't hop in the sack with another guy...passed out or not. Link to post Share on other sites
vivrantflo Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 First off, Lakeside.. I totally understand why you were harsh on me in another forum.. I'm so sorry about what happend to you.. Kayli, take this from someone who has cheated and lost.. You are extremely lucky to even have had a second chance with him after you got caught, to show him that you are sorry, and that you still love him. Unfortunately, right now, he doesn't trust you... and it appears he can't shake the mental images of what you've done, or may have done, and understandibly so. To be optimistic, he hasn't fully dumped you, and he IS willing to go to counselling. I recommend that you do anything that he requests of you.. and if thats seeing a professional on separate occassions, then do it. In your position, you don't have much pull, if any at all. You need to be supportive of what he wants of you, continue to love him, and let him know that he's the only man you want.. Go to counselling, and get your own issues worked out. I hope the WORST that could happen is a prolonged engagement, but the fate of the relationship is in his hands. I wish you nothing but the best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayli Posted March 31, 2007 Author Share Posted March 31, 2007 First of all, thank you very much to everyone who has given their very insightful thoughts from their own life experience. Let me say a few things since. We have started going to therapy separately and many of my own issues are coming out that are leading me to believe maybe this really is for the best, even if it hurts tremendously. and also that it isn't that he can't 'get over' that night, but that i am still too afraid to be honest with him still. little things, like i bought an MP3 player and never told him (our finances are together) to big things like i am really afraid to get married, too. I have not been honest with myself about what i want and therefor not with him. How can he forgive me for lieing then if i can still lie to him now, regardless of what it's about? i am realizing it is in part because of my own trust issues i have and his own trust issues he has. All i can say is it is encouraging. He admits he doesn't want to break up fully and sever all ties, but that right now we need to deal with our own issues on our own. we both love eachother very much and do not want someone else. ok, there's my rant. thank you to everyone who posted. Kayli Link to post Share on other sites
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