Cold feet?

[Kathleen2260]

This isn't about me but about my sister who is supposed to get married the first week of May. Her fiance proposed to her two years ago (they've dated for three) She just graduated from college a year ago and they moved to another state together. They've lived together for a little over a year. They've been through some tough times (him quiting or losing jobs) and she supported him. She's had a few health problems and he supported her. Well she was laid off from her job about a month ago and hasnt found another yet. THey were having financial problems before this and now they are really struggling. She's been planning the weddign for the last eight months. Everyone has their dresses, her shower is in a few weeks, everything is booked and ready to go. Well two weeks ago her fiance called the whole thing off. he said "I can't do this anymore" and told her he wanted to break up. He is under stress being the only breadwinner at the moment and also his father is divorcing his mom and his father told him my sister reminds him too much of his wife and urged his son not to get married. Nice that HE isnt' the one paying for the wedding (my parents are!) So her fiance called everythign off and she was devastated.

 

Well I guess her fiance cried all day (he is a sensitive guy) His reasons for leaving my sister were petty and not big issues. He said she isn't romantic enough (he is very sweet and romantic always giving her flowers and stuff) and my sister just isnt' like that. Well they made up. He told her he didnt' want to lose her so he WILL get married even though he'd rather wait awhile and postpone the wedding. Well it is less than 2 months away and everything has been paid for! He had two years (the time they were engaged) to post pone the wedding or to have doubts! My parents cant' afford to lose all that money and then pay for another wedding. All of the bridesmaids have their dresses, etc. The wedding is in their home state and my parents have booked several rental properties for guests to stay in (2 nights) for the wedding since it is at least 5 hours away from where the guests live. We also have relatives flying in from CA and FL for the wedding. If her fiance broke it off everyone would understand her pain and not feel bad about losing all their money spent. But if they postponed the wedding I think there would be a lot of hard feelings.

 

But all that aside I am very worried about my sister and her situation. She and her fiance went to ONE counseling session and the counselor advised they wipe the slate clean and start all over (let past hurts go) so they decided they are still getting married and on the planned day in less than two months. I can't imagine that things could work out that quickly but I am happy for her (as she really really wants to get married to him) but now all she is talking about is how she is so happy so gets to wear her beautiful wedding dress and all the flowers she'll have at the ceremony. Do you think he just had cold feet or is it something more serious?

[a4a]

Pending Divorce Alert!!!! whoop whoop whoop.

 

No way should they get married.

 

Way too many red flags.

 

My bet the sister just wants to save face with all and the expense of the wedding is guilting them both out.

 

Stop the Wedding!!!!!!

 

And you don't just wipe the slate clean...... that does not fix things. :rolleyes:

[corazoncito]

Oh dear. I think going ahead with the wedding would be a big mistake. They need to work out these issues and be sure they want to get married to each other (and are ready for marriage) before they go any farther. Obviously it would have been better if the guy had figured out his doubts before this point, but that's the reality and that's what you have to work with now.

 

This is my take on telling the difference between just "cold-feet" and really having serious doubts. It's natural to be worried and stressed when making a major life change. But if it is about the person you are going to make the change with, that's a big red flag. And if you can't see those doubts receding after a year or so, you are in a bad situation. I have been engaged once (didn't go through with it) and am now in a non-married but committed relationship (and happy, despite how my other posts come across). I had "cold-feet" initially with both relationships. For me, the difference was, with the called-off engagement, my fears and doubts had everything to do with the personality of the person I was going to marry. And I didn't see those problems going away over the long-term. So this was much more than just "cold-feet". This was my brain screaming at me to RUN AWAY!!! When I moved in with my current BF (it involved moving to another country so is kind of on par with marriage/wedding) I had the "cold feet" experience, but it passed and it really had nothing to do with the person that he is. It was more natural worries about the transition I was making with the move. And when I really thought about them, I realized that they were things that wouldn't be a problem 6 months, 1 year down the line. And I knew 100% that I wanted to be with him.