Here's my story in a nutshell

[dave_the_brewer]

Tried to post this yesterday, but something happened. I'm new to the forums and have just been browsing the internet recently looking to get some advice on solutions to my problems. Let me start first by saying that I could have at many times in my relationship with my wife of 11 years I COULD have done something to change and didn't. I've done everything you possibly could do wrong in my marriage, including infidelity, bickering, nagging, being mean, leaving her alone for many months (years) at a time (I'm in the military) and just being a general pain in the ass. I've put myself and my needs before hers and the kids.

 

In January, while I was in Iraq, my wife announced she wanted a divorce. I immediately fell into the trap of calling and emailing her nearly everyday, trying to get her to feel sorry for me, begging her to stay, accusing her of having another man, etc. She agreed to work on things and things seemed to be going okay. Once I got home she announced that she wasn't willing to work on things anymore and that she had been seeing someone over the past several weeks. Although she said that they've broken up, they hang out with the same social network (a brand new one, not any of our legacy friends really)...some of my old friends have told me worse stories. I initially bought into all of the rumors and confronted, and until 3 days ago I was still arguing for myself that I can change, she should let me show her. Needless to say that type of behavior reinforced her ideas. She still depends on me for money (did not get a job while I was gone, is looking now) and wants me out of the house. We decided not to tell the kids at this time. She has agreed to see a couples therapist but not for reconcilliiation, more to help us both find what we want/need out of life.

 

Well, the reading on this forum and the recommended sites has been eye opening. I realized in January how truly bad it/I was and made a decision to change. I've made some positive steps that have only increased over the past few days (I am currently at the house with the kids, she's at a hotel). I stopped whining, I've stopped arguing over what she wants vs. what I want...we have disagreement on money, cars, timeline, etc but I've been steadfast in my opinion of not moving too fast (of course I did hire a lawyer), coming to a written separation agreement, etc. I haven't called her since sunday, but she comes over and/or calls everyday. I've been nice and cordial, told her what I had been up to in terms of counseling and moving on with my self improvement program.

 

I know I don't deserve another chance, but I would really like to have one. I KNOW that I can change, that I need to change and that I want to change not (just) for her but for ME and for the KIDS. I really hope that there are some hopeful thoughts out there for us habitually bad husbands...can we change?

 

She called just this morning and wanted to know if I'd be interested in telling the court that we'd been separated since last July, so she can file for divorce while the kids are at my parents this summer. I told her no, because I want the 12 months mandatory separation time to grow and heal from all of this. I absolutely do love her, I know my past action isn't indicative of that but I do. I am comfortable know knowing that I can't change her mind with words, and maybe not at all. When the divorce papers do (finally) come, I will sign them...She wants us over, me out of the house, etc as quickly as possible and that scares me terribly, even though I'm not showing it to her or anyone else but you guys.

 

I'm getting individual counseling, praying for the strength to change and taking steps towards being a better Dad. Is there a chance and am I on the right track? Thanks!

[chadnickole]

Keep reading on here, stay strong and start living right now!! do not mope around do things that put a smile on your face!! do not put your life on hold!! because you will regret if things go all the way south later!!! and if things should turn around you'll more fun and intersesting things to talk about.............Just don't include the other woman in the discussions!!

 

All easier said than Done.............In a nutshell this is what was told to me and I did not listen!!! You can still hold on to the idea of reconciling or fixing your marriage but you have to hold on to your life as well...........

 

best of luck, you get much better advice if you hang around long enough!!

 

Gunny will smack ya around!!

ILMW will lend a kind word

and

Perry will raise your spirits

 

and every one else here will help also

[a4a]

If she truly wants to be rid of you...... let her go.

 

What if she says I want a divorce and means it.....

 

Seems like you have put your own wants and desires ahead of her throughout your marriage. (from your post).

 

and then you make a deal about her depending on you for money..... well she is a mom to your kids right? Is that not job enough for you..... being a single mom to your kids while you are away, having affairs.......

 

I think you need a serious kick in the pants. Your window of oppurtunity was ignored by you.

 

Believe it or not some women will say exactly what they want. Yet you want to still control the situation..... have you not controlled things in your M enough?

 

I don't doubt that it is too late for this one. So let her go if indeed that is what she wants.

[Gunny376]

a4a, it might be because I'm still on my frist cup of WTFU, but I didn't see where he had and affair.

 

But, she's right, sounds like its too late for this one. Too much over the damn and under the bridge.

 

You can't un-do years of neglect in a year ~ and that's what your confronted with.

 

Don't beat yourself up ~ you like I ~ just didn't know until it was too late.

 

Continue with the IC and getting your head and azz wired back together, identify and overcome your weaknesses, learn from your mistakes, work on creating a better you, and what your shortcomings were ~ and carry on.

 

The time, effort and energy you would expend on getting this one back would net you 10 others.

 

If you've any chance of getting her back it lies in going with the attitude of ~ "OK, I f***** up! Its over, time make adjustments, improvements, quit being a fool and get back in school, adapt, improvise and overcome.

 

Check out ilmw, chad's and PSWX2's thread. You've got some growing and learning to do there Slick.

 

When all is said and done? She's not going ~ she's gone!

[Kwo-ne'-she]

While it's nice that you are trying to become a better father, have realized you were wrong, and are seeking counseling....

 

If a person doesn't want to be with you, there is nothing on earth you can do to keep them.

 

And, maybe this is a case of too little, too late.

[a4a]

infedility was mentioned in the OP's post...... not sure if it was an affair or not...... but probably a deal breaker to his wife.

 

Move on...... move out.

[Gunny376]

infedility was mentioned in the OP's post...... not sure if it was an affair or not...... but probably a deal breaker to his wife.

 

Move on...... move out.

 

WTF? What's this in the back of my head?~!

 

Where this fork come from?

[a4a]

WTF? What's this in the back of my head?~!

 

Where this fork come from?

 

well that is what you get for having a head that looks like a tater! :p

[AHIWON]

Sorry to say Dave but this one is done, stick a fork in it. Learn from what you did so you don't bring the same crap into the next relationship you get into.

[dave_the_brewer]

I appreciate everyone's responses, and am following/have followed much of your advice. I did have an affair several years ago, she forgave me at the time...I went to Korea and got down on myself for it, sank way down into drinking and partying and told her I wanted out. I eventually came back and everything was okay for the last several years. Sure, there's been accusations, arguments and everything else but to anyone who saw us we seemed to have a good marriage.

 

We have both been drinking and partying heavy for about 1.5 to 2 years, thats where most of the maltreatment has come from meaning we'd get drunk and fight, fight, fight. Both of us justifying our behavior, both of us doing less and less with the kids. In Oct 06, my wife went to California to help a friend who had just lost a fiance in Iraq. She's always been a better friend to people than they are to her and went absolutely ape**** in helping her out. Inside of my heart, I knew I should have told her I felt neglected and pushed away because of my own upcoming deployment to the same place. Instead, I continued partying and ended up kissing a friend of hers...not a peck but not a make out session either, one kiss. I apologized to our friend, who eventually told my wife about it. Yeah, I know I screwed up but go ahead and say it anyway.

 

On the whole financial thing - here is my problem: This all happened when I was away from home, and when she said she wanted to work on things I went ahead and believed her. She spent nearly $1000 a month going out to bars with her new friends. The kids missed a bunch of school (comparatively), the house was torn up, parties at the house. The police were called on her for leaving our 11 year old daughter to watch our 7 year old son. Child Protective Services was called. She did not look for or get a job. I went for three months of separation thinking we were SLOWLY making progress, only to discover many of these facts over time or when I got back. She does not have a lawyer, still no job, no plan, anything. She's the mother of my kids, and I love her and I wouldn't have her living on the streets - but she's known how this was going to turn out and did nothing. So are you saying that I am still responsible to support her 100% financially, give her everything/anything she wants, divorce immediately and smile about it? Phew, now that would be tough friends.

 

Like I said before, I'm no angel - just a guy who got married young and has spent his whole adult life in the military. I've realized my mistakes and no there isn't much chance of success in this, but I'm still willing to try anything for the sake of my kids (first and foremost) and because I really do love her. I've been alone and lived alone (for 1.5 years), so has she. That part has nothing to do with it. I am not scared of my future, I truly just want to do the right thing.

 

Thanks again, you folks are great.

[dave_the_brewer]

Another quick one (all these darn thoughts)...she's coming over for dinner tonight with me and the kids. We've agreed to try to do this once a week, because no matter what we do want what is best for the kids. Also, she's sorta spying on me LOL. How am I supposed to read this? I'm trying to be very casual, very cool...hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

[chadnickole]

How am I supposed to read this? I'm trying to be very casual, very cool...hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

 

 

That's about right!!! but exspecting the worst and planning for the worst are not the same thing!!! Plan for the worst!! take care of your kids show them how to respect they're mother and others and cover your ass without being a Jerk about it!! Even if you can't remain married you need to remain civil for your children..............So you screwed up and screwed around!!! If you truely learned from your mistake that don't beat yourself up over it, just be better because of it...............And limit your drinking and drugs we tend to do the wrong things when are brain is drowning!!

 

DO NOT READ TO MUCH HOPE INTO HER WORDS AND ACTIONS YOU WILL ONLY BE SETTIBG YOUR SELF UP FOR P~A~I~N!!!!!!!!!!

[Gunny376]

ISo are you saying that I am still responsible to support her 100% financially, give her everything/anything she wants, divorce immediately and smile about it? Phew, now that would be tough friends.

 

Per DOD and DA regualtions? 100% ~ naw.

 

Just 80% of your base pay! Oftentimes without going to court ~ just a phone call to your Command. I'd bone up on current DOD and DA reg down at S-1 if I were you. Would't hurt to take advantage of some of that free legal office down JAG office either.

 

Financially and legally your best bet would be to go ahead cut your loses, and chalk it all up as a mistake of your youth ~ learn and grow from the experience and move on. I'd go for custody of the children.

 

BTW there Slick, unless you and the DW just happen to be NC residents, nothing says you have to file in NC, you can file in your HOR. It would pay for you to shop around. If I could get out with just 100% of my retirement and custody of the kids ~ I'd consider myself a winner. All the household goods? Forget it ~ go buy new and improved. Even if you stayed married you'd have to replace most of it every ten years or so. I'd go with just what I had to make a fresh start.

 

IF she ends up with custody of the kids and you find yourself all by your lonesome ~ be smart. Move back into the barracks on base. Don't date, don't get involved with anyone ~ stay your azz out of any and all relaltionships.

 

You didn't say how long you've been in nor how long you've got to go before you retire. But, its a golden opportunity to get yourself set for life. Not many people can live rent free, utilites free (except for phone and cable) and eat dirt cheap in the mess hall. Yea, I know it would be damn hard going from a wife, family and home to living back in the barracks, but if you can just suck it up for the remainder of your time in the Army ~ man!

 

Concentrate on spending and being with your children and as involved with them and their lives as you can.

 

Do this my friend, and you'll be coming up in Spades for the rest of your life! Take it from someone's who been there ~ done that!

[Gunny376]

How am I supposed to read this? I'm trying to be very casual, very cool...hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

 

How can I put this?

 

ITS FREAKING OVER DAVE! DO YOU HEAR ME! ITS FREAKING OVER!

 

I don't care what she says, how she says it, its freaking over. She's not going ~ she's gone and has been gone mentally, physically, emotionally. for some time.

 

The only chance in Hell you've got of even to begin of hoping to put this back together is to work from that assumption.

 

Quit playing the senseless mind games, put it behind you and move on! Your fault, her fault, no ones fault ~ its freaking over.

 

I wouldn't be doing this dinner date thing. Her time with the kids ~ is her time. You're setting the kids up with false hope that Mommy and Daddy will get back together.

 

They're kids ~ they're not stupid.

[chadnickole]

How can I put this?

 

ITS FREAKING OVER DAVE! DO YOU HEAR ME! ITS FREAKING OVER!

 

I don't care what she says, how she says it, its freaking over. She's not going ~ she's gone and has been gone mentally, physically, emotionally. for some time.

 

The only chance in Hell you've got of even to begin of hoping to put this back together is to work from that assumption.

 

Quit playing the senseless mind games, put it behind you and move on! Your fault, her fault, no ones fault ~ its freaking over.

 

I wouldn't be doing this dinner date thing. Her time with the kids ~ is her time. You're setting the kids up with false hope that Mommy and Daddy will get back together.

 

They're kids ~ they're not stupid.

 

See Told Ya ~~~~~~~~~~~SMACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

We need it though

[ilmw]

Hi and welcome.

 

One thing I never say is NEVER! But you have to come to a realization that sometimes you have to move on.

 

You have been given some great advice already... so I won't rehash the same stuff over again.

 

Keep on doing the positive things for you... and your kids.

 

and like Chad said... don't set your self up... with words she might say... actions are what you want.

 

and really thank Gunny... he has a great habit of knocking us newbies up the side of the head with his 2 x 4

 

READ Read and read somemore... anything on relationships and personal growth. You may never get back with your wife... but from all your readings... you will learn so much about you.. relationships. If you are anything like me... you will read stuff.. see what you did that was wrong... get really pissed off at yourself... then... cause of all your new found growth... will get over yourself... quickly..

 

It is so important that you become ok with you... nothing will change... and you will get no where... unless you are.. You will not change one bit.. untill this occurs.

 

And... the last thing you want... is to stay the same... person... you were. You know what you did was wrong... you know ... what you did... effected your relationship. So you know things in you have to change..

 

Also.. never take 100% of the blame... no one is 100% (well no everyone... but you get the idea) is to blame.

 

Take care of you

 

Ilmw

[Gunny376]

Getting back with you Dave, you're in a pretty unique situation in that you're in the military and you're currently stationed in North Carolina. As you know in North Carolina you have to be physically sepeated for one year before you can file for divorce. Now for the Catch 22, if at anytime during that year you and the wife get back together for just one night ~ it re-sets the clock, if you can prove it or if she can prove it ~ depending upon who's wanting to re-set the clock and what the ulterior motive is?

 

As I said, per DOD regulations you're obligated to support your dependents, regardless of the bills, and with the stroke of pen even without a court order, your CO can allot up to 80% of your base pay. Now if you've got physical custody of the children in the martial home ~ that's probally not going to happen, but she may get a percentage. You're still obligated to support her in so long as your married. In the eyes of DOD either your married or your not.

 

The command doesn't want to have to deal with some whinning crying wife, and they sure as Hell don't want to see a Congrit come across the old man's desk wanting to know why one of the members of his/her command isn't supporting their wife, whose homeless and out on the street. I've even seen guys in your situation forced out of base housing and back into the BEQ / BOQ while the wife moves back in and her boyfriend ("Oh, he's just my friend!") coming over to the house everynight.

 

So, its reallly important that you consult with both a military lawyer and a civilain lawyer PDQ to cover your six, there pal.

 

It really sounds as though there's too much water over the damn and under the bridge, but if like you said for the sake of the children you want to pull it back together you're going to have to get some OJT and field manuals PDQ. Time is short and you've got to hit the ground running.

 

Quick and fast easy cheap read is Dr. Phil McGraw's "Relationship Rescue"

You're in luck ~ its just came out in paperback for $6 plus tax, and is on the shelves this month at Wallyworld (WalMart) Get tha' book Dave. Read it, and then re-read it again.

 

Meanwhilie with the wife, what you've got to do is acheive balance and maintain it. You don't want to go around agitating her, but you don't want to be buying off on her sympathy ~ pity parties either.

 

I'm going to give it to you straight ~ I don't see too much hope and prayer here in this situation. And, as I told you, you need to deploy and operate from a strategic and tactical position of "its over"

 

Its just like getting called in on the carpet and going before the old man. You own up to your mistakes, and face the music.

 

And don't go beating yourself up my Man. You probally had 1/100th of the knowledge, experience etc to pull it off to begin with. I suspect that you, like I and most of us, just had a leap of faith. Well in certain situations that doesn't cut it. Maybe out in Hollywerid where everything gets solved and resolved in and hour or less ~ but not out here in real life.

 

By the way, if your in need of IC (Individual Counseling) or MC (Marriage Counseling) do not use the bubba's on base! Out her in civilian la~la land, anything you tell a therapist, pysch~whatever, counselour, rabbi, preist, etc is priviledge and confidential. Not so in the military ~ anything you say can and will be used against you. Get ye out to the ville. The one exception is militar lawyers ~ they can't testify against you.

 

If you've got custody of the children ~ keep it that way. If the Army can make accomadations for single women in the Army with children ~ they can make accomadations for you.

 

Make damn sure you don't even get with anyone else. She's already got you by the balls if she can prove in the eyes of the military that you cheated on her. Its called adultry ~ and its a punishable offense under the UCMJ. More likely than not, the military won't pursue it ~ but you never know? Just depends upon whose desk it lands upon, and what kind of day their having. The 22 year old kid of a Lance Corporal (E-3) my 34 XW was screwing was a word away from having his career and life ruined. I had buddies that worked for CID,NIS, and PMO and all I had to do was say the word and they would have brought a world of hurt down on him. I even had one bud from PMO offer to bust him for possession of some weed, "They won't miss a pinch out of the evidence locker?!" I thanked him and turned down the offer ~ he was as much a vicitim of my XW as I was. He was just a kid caught up in something he didn't have a clue about.

 

If you're tyring to save this marriage just for the sake of the children and vice versa ~ you're in it for the wrong reason. Go ahead, get mop, a bucket, and a precacher and get it over with.

 

To be honest? She's already probally got someone else, or someone else lined up. That's not hard to do in a place like Fayetteville or Jacksonville. Hell, for all you know she might have traded up and got herself someone of higher rank than yourself.

 

If I were you? Speaking from hindsight of seventeen years ago ~ I wouldn't even be sweating her. The XW is on DH No.#3, living in a trailer about 50 miles South of me. Me? I'm retired from the Corps and life just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter everyday. I'm not where I want to be in life ~ but by God I've got myself a ticket heading in that direction.

 

It took me a long time to get it wrapped around my head that what I truly accomplished by doing my 20 in the Corps was to obtain FREEDOM!

 

If I were you? I'd forget about women ~ especially Miss Party - Hardy, and concentrate on my children. They grow up quick, fast and in a hurry like!

 

The wife ~ she's in a fog, and in Tensil town USA. Fayettville is a farce, an illussion. She thinks its raining men, but its going to be a mother-trucker when reality hits home and throws her under the bus.

[Gunny376]

 

and really thank Gunny... he has a great habit of knocking us newbies up the side of the head with his 2 x 4

 

And, its a hickory ax handle ~ THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

[ilmw]

 

and really thank Gunny... he has a great habit of knocking us newbies up the side of the head with his 2 x 4

 

And, its a hickory ax handle ~ THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

 

I stand corrected.....

 

must be confused from the couple of concussions I have received from you... wood is wood when it hits you up side the head..:laugh:

 

ilmw

[dave_the_brewer]

Well first and foremost, I want to thank everyone who's written in with their insight...its exactly what I was looking for (unbiased opinions). From a perfect stranger perspective, much of what you said has been spot on and accurate. I do want to clarify a few things, though.

 

I'm an Air Force officer, not Army - so no bachelor's quarters for me...but no worries there. I'm taking care of business in terms of support, my command is fully aware of the situation and has been completely understanding. I work on a small compound in between the bases, if you get my drift, and we take care of our own pretty well...the whole ordeal is documented to a "T". I have a lawyer, and both mil/civ couseling going on. I haven't done ANYTHING illegal, the affair I had was 6 years ago. She still harbors a lot of resentment about it but there's no proof that I actually did it other than my own admitions...plus, I've already been punished by the military for it. Also, I don't want this back together "for the children" solely. The reality is that I've lost my best friend due to our atrophying respect for one another over the years...she and I have made some terrible and hurtful decisions - I blame mostly me, but I like to take responsibility for my actions...the kids pain is a HUGE concern too.

 

I've taken the other steps you've recommended...I still love her and she's the mother of my children, so for the time being she still has all of the support she needs - I've taken away her excessive bar funds and she doesn't seem to be having a problem with that but all her other needs are met. After dinner yesterday, we talked a bit and because of the loopy N. Carolina law she can file for divorce anytime she wants and just say that we'd been separated for a year. My mental state before said to try and drag it out the full 12 months...I told her yesterday to simply do it once we come up with an agreement and I won't challenge her. I'm with you, its felt over for a long time and I just haven't had the sense or the smack in the face to realize it until she dropped the "D" bomb. Since I've been in Iraq, everything seemed to be going well over the phone I bought into the b/s until now. I'm going to read the book you recommended, and simply wait for her to take responsibility for her decision. The door is completely open now, anytime she wants to walk through it I'll sign up and she knows that.

 

Thanks again for everything.

 

PS - there is/was someone, which she told me about immediately. She says they've broken it off, but thats not really the issue anyway. She's always been very direct and honest about things and came out right away on this relationship. But, at the same time...I have pictures as proof of the affair if she tries too much alimony talk, the judges down here DO NOT like that stuff.

[Gunny376]

First off the book by Dr. Phil "Relationship Rescue" is a most excellent book, (I'm currently reading it ~ about halfway through). I was reading it tonight at work, and everything in it will help you before, during and after the divorce.

 

Half of it is about you the individual. Which those of us that are regulars here at LS are constantly advocating that at least half of the problem is you ~ and that the first thing that you need to work on is in identifying your shortcomings and weaknesses, adapting, improvising, and over-coming.

 

I would really suggest that you read it, before you sign anything with the DW. I've read a lot of books on the subject of relationships, marriage, divorce, etc. And, this one is hands down the best that I've read. After reading the book ~ I'm thinking that you might want to take advantage of NC state laws and maybe consider going the whole 12 months.

 

Why? Well I've been divorced for seventeen years. I'm readaing this book and I'm going "Wow!" That's news that I could have used ~ back in the day. and "Yep!" "That's me!" "Been There and Done that!"

 

Don't buy the story that there's another guy and that they've put it on ice. That nothing but pure and un-adulterated BS. They're going at it hot and heavy ~ and its the reason she's so hot to trot to get the divorce. That's a big wild card in your hand, and I'd hold it close to my chest in the meantime.

 

The AF is more family orientated than the MC or Navy, and so if I could I'd go after custody of the children. I had a friend of mine whose wife wallked and left him with five children 3/4's of the way through his 20 year career in the MC. So, if the MC can accommodate him ~ I know the AF can do the same for you. She sounds as though she lacks the capactity to provide for them as well as you could.

 

Here's a link to a fellow Marine officer who went through the same thing that you went through. I believe it will guide you well. He and his wife are back together last we heard from him.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=wolfe

 

and

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t98769/?highlight=wolfe

 

I would check out the following site and Goggle "Plan A and Plan B" (Since I've got you figured for a AF Major and I a retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant we're of equivalent rank and know about planning {Had to get my digs in ~ interservice rilvary and all! )

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

 

You might also want to check out the following:

 

http://www.divorcenet.com/considering/states/nationwide/the_walkaway_wife_syndrome

 

and

 

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home (If you never read another book about women, divorce, relationships ~ YOU WANT TO READ THIS ONE! (Orginally posted by RossterDAR) Be sure to check out the message boards.

 

and

 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/

 

When I initially posted to your thread ~ it was to get your attention and to whack you up-side the head. Your marriage ~ might be salvagable from the sound of it. I say that because it sounds as though you've might still have the 1/100th of what's needed to make it happen. Its too early to tell ~ you've got to work on yourself first. And to do that you've got to go back and get some training, education, and knowledge.

 

I mean think about it, when you got of OCS, you really didn't know spit about what it took to be a AF officer ~ you were winging it ~ and someone took you under their wings and showed you and taught you. They did you ~ and they did me. But, nothing in life prepares us for marriage.

 

For the kids, you seriously need to pick up a book called "Second Chances" I've got my copy packed away in some boxes, so all I can tell you is that one of the authors name was Wallerstein. But, it based upon a 20 year study of the effects of divorce on children.

 

In closing ~

 

Do you know what the difference is between the four branches of military service is?

 

It all hinges on the word "secure"

 

When the Marines are told to secure a building?

 

They form a "fire team" call in air support, artillery support, naval gun-fire, assualt the building, kill everyone in thee building, burn the building to the ground, raze the earth, and sow salt so nothing will ever grow there again!

 

When the Army is told to secure a building?

 

They put sand-bags, razor wire, and land-mine around it, and post a guard.

 

When the Navy is told to secure a building?

 

They lock the doors, (hatches) shut the windows (portholes) spin the dial on the safe and go to the club and have a beer!

 

When the Air Force is told to secure a building?

 

They take out a five year lease ~ with an option to buy!

 

Keep posting

 

BTW read almost anything posted by Lady Jane. She's got a really good handle on the emotional BS and pulling women's (and men's) "punk cards!" I don't know what it is that she does for a living ~ but she missed her calling ~ she could and would put Dr. Phil to shame with just her common horse sense.

[Gunny376]

 

and really thank Gunny... he has a great habit of knocking us newbies up the side of the head with his 2 x 4

 

I stand corrected.....

 

must be confused from the couple of concussions I have received from you... wood is wood when it hits you up side the head..:laugh:

 

ilmw

 

NO! NO! NO!

 

Hickory is much, much more denser!

 

Besides! The "thud" sounds different! Its all in the accoustics! :laugh:

 

But seriously, I'll never ~ ever forget that "Whopppsss! Up Side of the head!"

 

And, I feel all of your pain, heartache, and heart-break! Been there, done that ~ wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy!

[Dad_of_3]

Ok Dave, just read your thread.

Here's my thoughts and they are just that.

 

Yup, you've done some pretty messed up stuff. Havent we all !

One great step that you've done and you should see it as a step forward is that you've acknowledged the shortcomings and the events that have happened. But thats step 1, follow it through.

Its tough, its difficult and it will be emotionally draining. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. But once you get on the otherside, a whole new world opens up for you. You'll see clearer than you have ever before.

 

I agree with alot of what Gunny and ilmw have written.

Whether you're at fault or her, thats not where the story ends.

I'm sure if anyone in this situation let, it could go in circles over the same damn issue over and over again.

Positive steps forward are the key. A cheery disposition on your face everytime! If its not real, fake it till it just becomes natural.

People are attracted to happy, smiling individuals. Be that person you see going down the street with a smile on there face.

 

In this time, focus on yourself. Take the time to find out the reasons why its been like this. Why you have behaved like this. Seek Individual Counselling for this if need be. It's been over a year since I started IC and I'm a much different person than I was when I started. Stronger, wiser and definitely more motivated with my life.

 

Its a long road ahead, cant sugar coat that but what a journey it will be once the skies clear up for you. Its hard, no BS there, but be strong.

 

All of us have come from some struggle or another and support and cheer as loudly as we can ... even from half way around the world.

 

Take care, keep that chin up and keep us posted !

[dave_the_brewer]

Hello again all, its been a bit over a week since my last post and I thought it was time for an update to my situation.

 

Basically, I told my wife that I'd be willing to sign a divorce decree (assuming we came to an agreement in regards to money, child custody, support and asset distribution). She's asked me regularly what I want from the house, to which I've only ambiguously responded (ie nothing, my stuff, etc). As I mentioned before, I've consulted an attorney and have been seeing an individual counselor. I've been active with my children, family (sister came out to visit, my grandfather is here as well), friends (new and old, male and female). I've been keeping the house clean, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. In other words, I believe I have taken the initial steps and rebuilding my life.

 

The other day, my wife wanted to know if I still intended to move out of the house we are renting when my sister leaves next Saturday. I've been mulling this over for some time, and I told her explicitly "no". She is still unemployed and cannot afford to pay rent, utilities, etc and I feel it would be far to great a financial burden on me to pay her $900 rent and bills plus rent for myself. In the interim, I've been paying for her to stay at a weekly rate hotel (its sorta cheap, but is adding up), gas for the car she's driving (our friend owns it, she will not drive her minivan), food (including eating out, although she has a kitchen), cigarettes and have let her get cash from our currently joint (but not for long) checking account. She has also charged a comparatively small amount at a few bars around town. She's also bugged me several times about using/taking the car I drive (which is paid for) instead of taking her minivan (which has a note). I've refused this as well, as its MY car (she bought the van when I was in Korea), I don't want the payment either and frankly I don't think that getting divorced, financially screwed AND having to drive a minivan is fair considering I would still be willing to work things out. I know that last part is selfish, but its one of the motivators at this point.

 

I've been calm in speaking with her, I have accused her of things (a friend of ours stated that she'd had at least two sexual encounters since I left and another friend - closer to her than me - said that she might be using cocaine). I've asked her about both situations and she's vehemently denied them both, as you might imagine I am unconvinced, although she has no history of drug use (other than a few pot moments last summer). It should be noted that I didn't accuse her of these things angrily, I simply asked questions. I have stated to her that I can only take her at her word, but I find it inconvienent that she's lied to me since this started, I can't simply put any faith into anything she says. In other words, I believe that currently she is a fountain of lies. I've asked her to return her debit card (joint), which she refused (until she consults an attorney, which I cannot currently afford for her to do until payday).

 

She has confronted/accused me of things as well, includuing being vindictive about the situation (I don't feel like I have, there are many things I could have done that WOULD have been vindictive that I haven't, but I will leave that to your judgement). She has accused me of drinking too much (I drank a lot before I left for Iraq, since coming home I haven't been intoxicated - but I have consumed up to 7 beers in a long night, with intermittent waters between them). She has accused me of trying to act like a "superdad", not trying to move on with my life and attempting to date again (I have gone out with a few women, however nothing more serious than dinner and shooting pool - they all know my situation and understand what I am/am not looking for).

 

I realize that my return to the States is recent, but I just don't see the type of forward planning/progress that I would have expected. She's a very stubborn, but emotionally strong and intelligent woman - and I believe that her expectations are ridiculous and unfair. I feel that she's got all the talk but virtually none of the walk. She basically did not plan a thing, putting all of her actions into the "hope for the best" category. I wish I could say that I view this all as a positive, but realistically I feel sorry for her and wish I could HELP HER get her stuff straightened out...I know, stupid right?

 

Her sister called and talked to me the other day, and her Mom before that. I tried to concentrate the conversation on what I was doing and both told me that they thought that what I was doing was the right thing, at least in terms of the children. Both sounded very concerned about my wife and indicated that they didn't understand what was going on with her. Amusingly, I've never had a particularly close relationship with my inlaws, so it was a bit ego inflating (although I realize it could all be a smoke screen).

 

Wife said that she could go to my commander and he'd force me to move out of the house (I don't believe so, as he is fully aware of my situation - including the potential neglect of the children by her plus I am a very well respected member of my organization). She said she had pictures of bruises I inflicted on her that she'd use as evidence - thats a story in and of itself, but they were inflicted when I attempted to get her to not drive drunk, and in the process she scratched my arm - no pictures of that, but I still have the scars! I can't get her to sit down and discuss a settlement in any regard...even though we both agree a separation agreement is the best thing for us. She won't negotiate on custody (I take them until she gets on her feet financially), my vs. her car (she says she'll pursue alimony if I don't give her my car...I told her to go for it and that I had evidence of marital faults on her part), or me leaving the house.

 

Here's the deal...I know I can't control her thoughts and emotions, but I don't want to be a doormat and get screwed in this situation...I can accept that she wants to leave and am willing to let her as long as I get something out of the situation first. I believe I am putting my kids and my future ahead of my current emotions, but its always a good idea to get a second opinion! Have at it! Thanks in advance.

[umbo]

Hey soldier listen up Do you still have a pair? Don't ever give up on YOUr marriage your family your wife started googling marriage busters, or how to stop a divorce get the books the tapes the cds. I'd rather you go awol on George bush than on your family. You know how to fight please fight for your family you will do better and you can do better. At ease!!!good luck.