Here's my story in a nutshell

[dave_the_brewer]

Wow, I just realized that its been a while since I've been on here, but here is an update. I kept it in the same thread although there is a fair amount of new and interesting information...I will try to keep it pithy.

 

On the advice of Gunny amongst others, I went over to the Marriage Builders forum and did a lot of reading. I combined that with some of the lessons from Relationship Rescue and made a 100% effort at getting my wife to attempt reconciliation. She didn't want to, despite all of my positive efforts. Following that, I exposed her affair. I exposed to the OM's chain of command, I exposed to her family and to our friends.

 

Well, she's tried every trick play in the book to get me off of that course, going so far as to change her entire story...convenient after all this came out and the OM got into trouble. Of course, I have the facts to back all of this up...she thinks I only have hearsay and the photos...but I have some pretty solid evidence. I can't prove sex, but I can prove the rest.

 

She is trying to pursue a divorce through the state of Kansas. I am a resident, so she theoretically has the ability to do so. I say that she's trying because I don't actually think that she's done anything at all in that direction, other than make threats. She's been to my commander complaining about my activities, to include telling him that I wasn't supporting her properly. As it turns out, he thinks she's a liar for a number of reasons. Based on her actions and threats, I filed an ex parte request for child custody which was granted last week. We had a hearing yesterday and she was granted an extension of 3 weeks to get an attorney and get her stuff in order. Thats right...the person who wants a divorce TOMMORROW didn't have an attorney.

 

Prior to the court appearance, she called my parents and told them that she had two attorneys (1 in KS & 1 in NC). She also said that her NC attorney told her that the kids would not be able to travel out of state due to my initiation of a divorce proceeding. The kids go out to their house in Kansas for a large percentage of the summer, so I suspect she hoped that they'd get mad at me. Of course, this would affect her parents too for memorial day (they live in SC). THEN, in court, she requested that the kids not be allowed to leave the state. Thats right, first it was all my fault, then she makes the request.

 

The Judge didn't seem to concerned, as we are back in court prior to my parents planned time with the kids. Just goes to show the extent of the lies and fog that a person can get themselves involved in. I've often expressed my utter confusion at this situation...none of her actions or activity make any sense at all. Her lies and excuses have caught up with her in most areas, I don't know when the right time to expose my cards will be but I have given her ample opportunity to simply be honest about most of this. Until then, basically she says I am being vindictive and spiteful because I won't give her what she wants (which is apparently everything, including a quickie divorce).

 

On the child custody issue...just a reminder that they have been with me in our martial residence since I returned from deployment. She did not take good care of them while I was gone, and I have a CPS report, school records, affadavits and financial records that support this. At least in our conversations, these facts don't seem to have an impact on her beliefs. In her opinion, she did fine and the problems that the kids had at school are a direct result of my deployment and not her neglect. She says I am trying to take the kids away to get back at her. Finally, she's "threatened" to come back to us if I end up with custody. This isn't the first time, but even though I'd like to try to reconcile I wouldn't see her return under those circumstances in a favorable light. I told her she's making a bold assumption that I would even take her back at this stage. I think we've got a lot of work to do, I would prefer a controlled separation or something under those auspices. I have no interested in reconciling our relationship under false pretenses or percieved obligation...I guess if she attempts it I will have to file for divorce from bed and board.

 

Realistically, I don't feel vindictive in any case...heck, I am not even angry at this point, just disappointed. Its hard to see someone that you love crash and burn, which is what is happening. Her idealistic (and unduly compromised) worldview (as expressed) on the concept of true love, happiness, etc has led her down the primrose path of abandonment and neglect, and no amount of reason, logic or heartfelt conversation has convinced her to even consider abandon her current line. Point of fact, she wanted to take the kids somewhere after school yesterday. That place ended up being closed, so she almost immediately brought the kids back to the house. She hung out for a total of 1.5 hours or so before they got home and after she brought them back...a pretty incredible amount of time considering that she only spent about half and hour with the kids.

 

The kids still don't officially know anything, I have been holding off on telling them because I want facts in hand first, for example - Mommy and Daddy aren't going to live together again and you guys will be staying with me predominantly. I'd hate to tell them another version only to have her pull a miracle out of her rear end and win custody. I don't suspect that will happen, this stay in the current temporary custody dispute only solidifies my position, and I suspect that the status quo is generally maintained. I am keeping a journal specifically on interaction with the kids to be submitted as evidence in this case.

 

Well hey, I went long again but like I said at the beginning its been an interesting couple of weeks. I'd appreciate any feedback or requests for clarification. I don't feel like I am making any mistakes or errors in judgement, and I don't feel like I am going over the top on any of this - but then again, I've had a hard time finding anyone who thinks that I am. I know that this is the place for unbiased feedback...so lets hear it! Thanks in advance.

[Ladyjane14]

Geez Dave. Why don't you get off your ass and get something done already???

 

I'm joking. Fact is, you've got your bases covered so well... all I can add is a TEN "Gunny Bunny" salute and an "atta-boy".

 

:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:

ATTA-BOY!!!

[dave_the_brewer]

Thanks for the kind words Ladyjane, I appreciate it. Now I have a monkey wrench in the works. My WS offered me a deal it will be hard to refuse, as its almost everything I asked for, with one painful exception.

 

Her offer is:

I will have primary custody...split time with kids 50/50

She wants no alimony, including my severance bonus

She takes 50% of the bills & 50% of the stuff

No money changing hands for child support...we'd both take care of them properly

 

The kicker of course, is that she wants me to not fight her on an immediate divorce. That means that as soon as possible she would file and I wouldn't fight at all, I'd just pretty much not participate in the process and just let it happen.

 

So, I take my chances in court and she has to wait until December to file OR I don't fight and get everything else I wanted. She would like me to co-sign a car loan, but I don't think thats absolutely necessary. The kids wouldn't stay with her until August or so when she gets her own place.

Logic screams "Take the deal, who cares what she is up to you get mostly your way!"...of course, logic continues to get b1tchslapped by emotion. She is supposed to have something in writing Tuesday, so I guess we'll see if there is more fog talk or if she's really willing to put her money where her mouth is.

 

Any thoughts? I'd love to save the marriage, I really would but at least this way I get to save me and the kids.

[Ladyjane14]

Her offer is:

I will have primary custody...split time with kids 50/50

She wants no alimony, including my severance bonus

She takes 50% of the bills & 50% of the stuff

No money changing hands for child support...we'd both take care of them properly

 

The kicker of course, is that she wants me to not fight her on an immediate divorce. That means that as soon as possible she would file and I wouldn't fight at all, I'd just pretty much not participate in the process and just let it happen.

 

So, I take my chances in court and she has to wait until December to file OR I don't fight and get everything else I wanted.

 

 

I doubt it's what you want to hear, but if I were you... I'd take the decision out of her hands and file myself. Check with your attorney and see what s/he recommends. Just based on what you've posted so far, I have to doubt that she won't try to pull a fast one on you at some point. She doesn't exactly have a track record of undisputed honesty.

 

Right now, it looks like you've got temporary custody of the children and you're providing them with a stable home. I'm not sure I'd be willing to give her 50/50 joint custody. She doesn't have an income. When incomes are disparate in joint custody situations, the guy who's making more usually ends up paying at least some child support. You can't get much more "disparate" than NO INCOME at all, now can you?

 

If at all possible, I'd file first and I'd file for primary custody with generous visitation to the mother and child support to be paid by her. You won't get much... 'cause you can't get blood from a turnip. But that ought to keep you from having to pay her.

 

In North Carolina, I'd consider suing on grounds of adultery, and if the OM had two nickels to rub together... I'd at least rattle my saber about suing him too. If for no other reason than to have him walking around with a stain on his pants.

 

The true imperative is keeping your kids safe. It outweighs the marriage. It outweighs everything. And until she stops running up bar tabs and starts exercising a little better judgment.. she's NOT being a good mother to them. Reliving your own teen years is no kind of example to your kids.

[Gunny376]

I doubt it's what you want to hear, but if I were you... I'd take the decision out of her hands and file myself. Check with your attorney and see what s/he recommends. Just based on what you've posted so far, I have to doubt that she won't try to pull a fast one on you at some point. She doesn't exactly have a track record of undisputed honesty.

 

Right now, it looks like you've got temporary custody of the children and you're providing them with a stable home. I'm not sure I'd be willing to give her 50/50 joint custody. She doesn't have an income. When incomes are disparate in joint custody situations, the guy who's making more usually ends up paying at least some child support. You can't get much more "disparate" than NO INCOME at all, now can you?

 

If at all possible, I'd file first and I'd file for primary custody with generous visitation to the mother and child support to be paid by her. You won't get much... 'cause you can't get blood from a turnip. But that ought to keep you from having to pay her.

 

In North Carolina, I'd consider suing on grounds of adultery, and if the OM had two nickels to rub together... I'd at least rattle my saber about suing him too. If for no other reason than to have him walking around with a stain on his pants.

 

The true imperative is keeping your kids safe. It outweighs the marriage. It outweighs everything. And until she stops running up bar tabs and starts exercising a little better judgment.. she's NOT being a good mother to them. Reliving your own teen years is no kind of example to your kids.

 

First off a ten bunny :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: for the way that you've handled things thus far to date ~ OUTSTANDING ~ SIMPLY OUTSTANDING!

 

Hell! I'll even give you an "Ooooooooraaaaahhhh! You've really done a good job of document, document, document, and CYA!

 

Next? I'm going with LJ, she's pretty much General Lee and your pretty much Gen. Grant at Appotomax. She's not in a position to dictate terms to you. She's blowing smoke about getting divorced in KS, she doesn't have a job, the income, nor the logistical resources to get an attorney in NC ~ let alone KS.

 

If she's even counsulted with an attorney, he's told her this is the best deal that she can hope for, and to settle the matter before the two of you get to court, because he knows, and now she knows you've got her by the short hairs.

 

If memory serves me right, while NC insists upon a one year physical seperation prior to filing for divorce. it requires two years before you can file for abandonment.

 

I wouldn't accept her offer, I'd file myself, and dictate terms. Like Lee, she's lost a third of her force, and the rest is surronded, and logistics is cut off. (And, as an AF Officer ~ you know logistics is everything) In short? She's got nothing? She's bluffing. She's sitting there with a pair of deuces, and your sitting there with a royal flush! Read them and weep!

 

And, Hell no, I wouldn't give her 50/50, she's not acting responsible enough~ mature enough, etc.

 

What comes first and foremost are the children.

 

As far as the other guy? This could get a little tricky, because I assume he's AF as well. But NC is one of the States where you can sue for Alienation of Affection. When I lived there last, a XW got awarded 3 million from the OW.

 

What would be really extra sweet? Get the divorce on your terms, and then she and the OM call tollip off into the sun set hand in hand, bluebirds singing, etc. and then slap his ass with an alienation of affection lawsuit! :lmao: :lmao: Hell, I'd take a weeks vacation, drive the thriteen hours it would take, and pay good money just to see that!

 

They'd be so broke, they couldn't afford to honeymoon at one of those "rent by the hour" motels in Fayettville or Jacksonville!