Guest Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Can anyone give any tips on how to deal with a boyfriend that always goes to "this isn't gonna work out", whenever there is an argument. Urgh! I feel like he holds the entire future of the relationship in his hands when he does this and I get afraid that he is going to bail. I don't know how to deal this. Link to post Share on other sites
Dadaal Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 don't worry too much about this threatening. It happens in all families, even those who have been married for 20 years. If he says in the argument and never lasts - don't pay attention. Link to post Share on other sites
waitingforlove Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Guest, If I were you, I would either ignore that statement whenever he says it (at least pretend that you didn't hear it or you don't care), or casually say, "maybe not" or "you are probably right." And then leave it at that. Don't appear upset. Act happy and give him less attention. You have to convey to him with your behaviors that you are NOT going to let him control your emotions like that. Set boundaries. I learned this the hard way and shed a lot of tears because I was "too nice," but I'm finally starting to come to the point where I realize that a lot of men (not all, of course) try to push women's limits, push our buttons, or control us one way or the other -- especially when they are starting to get "emotionally lazy" in a relationship. They do it unconsciously, though, so DO NOT bring your knowledge of this to his attention OR ELSE HE MIGHT GET MAD! Just play it cool but convey to him that you are NOT in his palm or under his control. If you appear to him that you are scared when he makes comments like that, he is only going to do it more often! The way you may be able to stop this is to discourage it through your actions and the exhibition of self-confidence. Over time, he may realize that you are not affected by his stupid threatening comments, and he may stop doing that WHEN HE IS AFRAID OF LOSING YOU!!! Good luck!!! Hang in there!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 guess it all depends on how you usually act when he says it. My guess is, you changed your whole attitude towards him and the arguement the very first time... letting him have his way. He liked what he saw, so he throws it out during all the fights. Either turn it around on him... (be first to the punch next time) Or Don't argue. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 don't worry too much about this threatening. It happens in all families, even those who have been married for 20 years. If he says in the argument and never lasts - don't pay attention. I disagree. My last two relationships ended because I got sick of arguments. I mentioned it, saying it was becoming a more and more serious problem, each time I was ignored and each time I ended up breaking things off when the problem didn't get any better. So yeah, if you have a spineless wimp for a boyfriend, feel free to ignore it if he talks of breaking off. But most men mean what they say - if he gets upset when you argue and talks of finishing it, then you'd better find a way to stop arguing or eventually he will follow through on his promise. For what it's worth, my parents argued from time to time but I never heard either of them threaten to end things because of it. They were prepared to tolerate that level of occasional conflict. If someone is threatening to finish, it's because they find the frequency or seriousness of arguments to be beyond their tolerance level. As for the theory of it being manipulation, men generally are pretty straightforward. If a guy says something, your assumption should be that he means it. If he didn't want you to "answer back", or wanted you to be a meek and submissive girlfriend, he'd probably just shout loudly or refuse to speak to you whenever you disagreed. Why throw out the "breakoff" line when he can make you feel just as uncomfortable in other ways? Whilst there are some manipulative and conniving guys, the vast majority are pretty straightforward with what they say. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 I would feel upset too. Words can hurt but wondering if that person will leave because of a fight is more upsetting. I am OK with yelling, cursing, etc but that person needs to love me unconditionally even when I am having a bad day. A parent shouldn't say he doesn't care about a child anymore because they have problems. And in my opinion any relationship that lasts a chance to be long term shouldn't have that, whether it's a best friend, wife, son, daughter or girlfriend, but people do it out of frustration and anger. My advice here is to let the person know you are OK with an argument and that it can be healthy. But in order to keep it on the healthy side you'd like to cut that part of it out because it makes you feel like he's only there for you if your having a good day and real friends are there on the bad days too. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Go back to each argument that led to his threats. If the issues are reoccuring, they might be deal-breakers which have not been addressed. If there's no consistency of issues, then I agree with luvmy2ns. Call him on it. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Is he issuing threats because you two argue, or because of the reason for the argument? The two are completely different. If he's threatening to end things because of the behaviors he feels he can't handle which are causing the argument, that's one thing. HOWEVER, if he's threatening to end it simply because you are challenging him (how dare you disagree with him!), then I'd call him on it. If that's the case, I would tell him, "If we can't talk about problems and work things out without you issuing threats, then you're right; this is just not going to work." I got a news flash for him; people disagree! I would also tell him that the next time he issues that threat, you ARE through, and mean it! Give him time to miss you (and he will, if you have anything at all). You do NOT have to bow down to his threats. You are worth more than to "shut the hell up" in order to keep a man! Can't agree more with this line of reasoning!! The threat of leaving is a cheap shot and often indicates that the person issueing it just doesn't care enough to want to work out the conflict!!! Often this kind of threat comes from people who know they are in the wrong, who in fact are the cause of the arising conflict. It's a way of turning the tables on you and making you out to be the guilty party! It is without, a shadow of a doubt, a form of emotional blackmail! Not to mention a way to exercise control over the other party involved. If there are serious grounds for a constructive argument, in the broader sense of the term, then two mature people should be in a position to talk through their conflict. When two people truly want to nuture and sustain their relationship, they will make efforts to resolve issues! Otherwise, they'll just use it as an excuse to walk away because they just don't care enough to deal with it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Prettyinblack Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 I'd say "ok" and carry on. I wouldn't argue.....That is the greatest manipulation there is and holds the relationship hostage. Call him on it and say "ok"....you win. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Can anyone give any tips on how to deal with a boyfriend that always goes to "this isn't gonna work out", whenever there is an argument. Urgh! I feel like he holds the entire future of the relationship in his hands when he does this and I get afraid that he is going to bail. I don't know how to deal this. Take the power away. Say, "okay - you're right. If we can't have a disagreement that we work out without threats of it being over then it should be over." And walk. It is the only way. He'll come running after you at which point you make it very clear that threats by him will get action by you and he'll stop doing it -- trust me. OR he won't come after you (highly unlikely) and then you know how easy it is for him to let the relationship go - which shows you it wasn't worth being in it to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
brwndogsyard Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I would take it seriously. My boyfriend used to do the same thing. Whenever we argued, we would act like it was a sign of finality as if we were so incompatible. I thought he was being a bit melo-dramatic. I said couples do argue, as long as it's not unhealthy, like calling each other names, we can work through it. Your bf could be trying to get your attention, to see if you really care about the relationship or he could be looking for opportunities to get out. If the same issues keep causing arguments, you’re both not learning from it. Those issues start to compound and it results in resentment. When you have these arguments it’s important to really get to the issue and work to resolve it. We’ve been broken up for 2 weeks now from a 3 year relationship. He used to makes those threats and I got sick of it and would say, good well leave, trying to get HIS attention… and he finally did leave. We were out of love with each other and we knew it, we had discussed this. We never got things resolved and it all built up. Now it’s over. Link to post Share on other sites
brwndogsyard Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 Are you saying you're sorry you didn't "shut the hell up in order to keep a man?" Your post kind of comes across that way. However, it also says relationships take work, and the two of you didn't work hard enough. Maybe that's the gist of your post. What on earth? My point was to take it seriously when someone makes those threats and to work out the issues. There is truth to someone's words when they make threats, so look into what it's triggered from in your own unique situation. I post 1 stupid post on this website because part of that reminded me of my situation and I could possible shed some light for this person and you're insinuating I should have shut the hell up. Nice that we're all here for each other.. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 Can anyone give any tips on how to deal with a boyfriend that always goes to "this isn't gonna work out", whenever there is an argument. Urgh! I feel like he holds the entire future of the relationship in his hands when he does this and I get afraid that he is going to bail. I don't know how to deal this. I threatened to leave my husband for a couple of years before I finally did something about it. Have you taken a good long look at yourself to see what you might have done in the past for him to say this to you? The reason why I ask this is because my husband all of sudden got a "light bulb" moment and realized the denial he was in that contributed to my leaving the marriage in the first place about a month after I left. I'm not saying I'm perfect because I am far from it and contributed quite a bit to the problems and issues we had but I was willing to compromise and admit my faults where he was not. Link to post Share on other sites
brwndogsyard Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 You didn't read my whole post. Either that, or you read the first paragraph in entirely the wrong context, and then saw red. Re-read it. I said are you saying you NOW think you should have just shut up instead of arguing. I was questioning what you thought about what YOU should have done. I wasn't telling you to shut up! Good gawd!! ok, the words shut the hell up probably aren't the best choice of words as it may provoke defense. But no, I don't think I should have shut up to stay with him, that wasn't necessarily what I was getting at. Link to post Share on other sites
mistizzle21 Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 I got the boot for the same reason. We didn't argue that often nor was it unhealthy (name calling etc etc) I never tore him down erroneously or anything like that. Now was that the real reason he kicked me to the curb? I don't know, he came back into my life and then used the "we don't work because we have too many misunderstandings" line again.What happened? He came back AGAIN. Damn I guess HE'S the one who likes to argue. huh? Link to post Share on other sites
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