Weekend friendship/relationship?

[NorCalDave]

So I have a few posts on here, with my ex being older than me and us going back and forth between being together and apart and friends and back to being together, etc., for the past 3 years. Most probably know the deal.

She dumped me twice, we did the NC thing, that made her come back to me, and then I'd push for more, and she'd back off....basically a classic codependent relationship...

....anyways, now it appears we have a compromise.

She seems to be fine seeing me once in a while as friends, Saturday and Sunday, and here and there during the week. We hottub, cuddle, kiss once in a while, talk about sex, do friend things, flirt, go to church, workout, and just recently has she started taking an interest in whether I'm dating someone or not and why I am not already taken and married and stuff....

It's like we are still a couple, but with just a little more space and minus the sex everyday...

....we've talked about doing a certain something something that makes you "ecstatic" and feels absolutely great for those who have done it before...and she said she is okay with doing that with me...

...Does anyone else have a weird "purgatory-like" relationship with any of their ex's? I would love to hear someone else's story if they can relate to what we're doing...it's like we give each other just enough space to make it fresh and exciting the next time we see each other...

...Don't know if anyone can relate or not to this codependent thing we have going on...

[bubbalump]

i would bet a large sum of money that if you started taking interest in other woman...shed want to be exclusive with you.

[NorCalDave]

Think so? Well, I have 2 dates planned the next few days with other women, so should I tell her I am dating other girls, or just leave her to wonder? I don't want to play games but I do want her back...

[David H]

Think so? Well, I have 2 dates planned the next few days with other women, so should I tell her I am dating other girls, or just leave her to wonder? I don't want to play games but I do want her back...

 

You need to address your codependency via therapy. While you remain codependent you will *always* have dysfunctional relationships.

 

David

[NorCalDave]

Well my date last night sucked, no attraction to her at all. Man, she looked alot better in her picture!

It makes me want to run back to my ex that much more!

But I've been strong all today, I haven't called, even though I've been fighting my urges to do so.

I don't know if I will always be codependent until I get therapy. I am reading a really good book called "Codependent No More", and it is really helping me focus on myself, rather than her and what she's doing. It's really helping.

[Guest]

Okay, call me naive but what do you mean by

 

...we've talked about doing a certain something something that makes you "ecstatic" and feels absolutely great for those who have done it before...and she said she is okay with doing that with me...

 

What does that mean?

[NorCalDave]

Doing the drug "ecstacy".

Ever done it?

I'm curious if it will be weird to do it with an ex who has broken up with me twice and still seems unsure on whether she wants to be with me or not.

I really have been too patient with her for too long. I deserve better.

But, she has a spell on me.

We'd always talked about doing this together, because physically, we are a perfect match for one another...we'll see...

[BigSmiles]

You need to address your codependency via therapy. While you remain codependent you will *always* have dysfunctional relationships.

 

David

 

 

I'd never ever heard of this term before until you mentioned it. And a brief search on http://www.coda.org/patterns.php

pretty much summed up all of my current issues / and converns. I'll be speaking to someone in regards to this.

 

Thanks for the information, even if unintentional.

[NorCalDave]

Yes as you can see I am caught up in a codependent relationship with my older lady ex. I think about her way too much, obsess about her, and the thing I am learning is, I feel better the longer we have NC. But, I constantly shoot myself in the foot because every week I take two steps back and then 1 step forward, so I never get anywhere. I continue to see her on the weekends after church, and we spend our Sunday's together hottubbing and watching movies and generally being very close. Recently she has hinted at wanting to sleep with me again, and as much as I want to, I know I will feel empty afterwards because it won't bring us back together, it will just be a physical fix for the both of us.

I know she doesn't want to commit to me because of our age gap and her insecurities and all the other drama she has, so by continuing to see her, I am only hurting myself.

And now she wants to do ecstacy with me too.

I know what will happen. We will probably have sex, and it will be great and fulfilling and surreal, but then when she leaves and I come down, I will feel all empty inside because she'll be gone.

At that point, will it really have been worth it?

I don't know.

[CaliGuy]

Question, Dave.

 

Are her needs being met but not yours?

Are your needs being met and not hers?

 

Bottom line is if you are in a relationship where needs are not being met, it's certain to cause the relationship to fail in one way or another.

[bridget_jones]

I was just curious, when you two go out together, to people think she's your mom?

 

Why is this woman worth your trouble?

1. She is 48 years old. You are 28. Do you ever want to marry and have children? Because with her, it isn't going to happen.

 

2. What are you getting out of this relationship? She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. She very rarely wants to have sex with you. She may be looking good for her age now, but in a few short years...she won't. I'm sorry. Do you want to be 30 and have a 50 year old girlfriend? Seriously?

[NorCalDave]

It's real simple.

My needs are not being met, and that's all that matters.

It's a give/take relationship, with me giving and her taking.

Even when we were together, she didn't have much to give to the relationship.

Even during sex, she wasn't very active.

I was the one who paid for everything, treated her like a goddess in bed, I gave her my heart and she couldn't appreciate it.

The more time away from her the better I get and the better perspective I get.

I deserve wayyyy better.

As far as being 30 with a 50 year old girlfriend, that doesn't concern me. She looks unreal for her age. She honestly looks like a 30 year old.

She gets attention from all men, teenagers, whatever. Even women hit on her. Plus she takes great care of her body. And having kids is not something I know I want to do.

The only thing I do know, is at this moment in time, she is not fulfilling my needs and not giving to the relationship like I want her to. That could change in the future, or it might not.

For now, though, I am going to do my own thing and go out with other women.

No other way to go.

[Faith2]

Aw Dave, you're just going through your usual Thursday slump. This happens to you every week. Come Monday and you'll be on top of the world again after spending another weekend with her.

 

Clearly she adores your company on those Sundays. But that seems to be her limit. She wants one level of relationship, you want another level. Neither of you is wrong.

 

So what are you going to do?

[NorCalDave]

Aw Dave, you're just going through your usual Thursday slump. This happens to you every week. Come Monday and you'll be on top of the world again after spending another weekend with her.

 

Clearly she adores your company on those Sundays. But that seems to be her limit. She wants one level of relationship, you want another level. Neither of you is wrong.

 

So what are you going to do?

 

 

Faith, is that you from Ageless? If it is, how are ya babe? Hopefully you're doing okay.

Yes I am going through my Thursday slump.

And you are right, it seems she adores spending time with me on the weekend. It's practically the only time she calls and wants to see me.

Meanwhile I want a fulltime relationship, not a part time. But she's not ready and willing.

So what I'm going to do is move on with my life and date other women!

Not going to call, not going to even show up to church this weekend.

That will REALLY throw her off, because our pastor who we both love is returning from his 4 month sabbatical, and we've been talking about his return for some time. I know she's expecting me to be there bright eyed and bushy-tailed, and eager to take her up on her "no sex for lent" offer now that it will be expiring. She'll probably be expecting me to offer to do ecstacy with her and spend the whole day together....but no, I am going to go to a different church with my mom, and I know that will throw her off big time!

It's the only power I have now, staying away and doing my thing.

I've already done all the work of getting her back and wanting me and fantasizing and all that...now I have to back off completely for a few weeks and she how she takes it when she walks into church and looks for me to sit down next to, and I'm just not there!

[Faith2]

Yes, it's me. I'm good, thanks.

 

You've been struggling with this relationship an awfully long time, and you're always going around and around in the same circles/cycles. (Not news to you, I know.) Sure, you'll go to a different church this Sunday, but then you'll see her at the gym. The sparks will fly between you two, and off you go again. You've got it bad for this woman. (I understand... I've got it bad for my guy and he's 5000 miles away.) I've seen the photos you've posted of her on AL... yes, she is a beauty and you two make a great-looking couple. The age difference doesn't show.

 

Bottom line, though... you want the full thing with her, but she's not ready for that... she might not ever be ready. That doesn't make her a bad person, manipulative, or wrong. So there's no use putting your energy into bashing her during these mid-week slumps.

 

Can you accept the weekends-only romance? Stop pushing her for more, relax into it, and see what happens. Enjoy it for WHAT it is, and for WHEN it is. I don't see that you have much other choice, because you can't seem to let go of her completely, no matter how hard you've tried.

[bridget_jones]

Keep fooling yourself that she looks like she's 30.

 

She sticks to a "no sex during lent" policy and then wants to do drugs? Hon, she is a total loser. Sorry.

[NorCalDave]

Keep fooling yourself that she looks like she's 30.

 

She sticks to a "no sex during lent" policy and then wants to do drugs? Hon, she is a total loser. Sorry.

 

Well, she wasn't having sex with me or anyone else (according to her, her hormones are non-existant) so I don't know why she would create that "no sex for lent" policy. Pretty stupid to quit something you never do anyways if you ask me. I think that was her way of saying "I am not ready to sleep with you again yet."

 

And I don't see us doing ecstacy together. If I had to bet on it, I would say we don't do it. She has been clean and sober for over 4 years now and I know her sobriety is important to her. I just remember her saying a while back that if she ever were to do anything again, it would be to try ecstacy with me.

So, me, looking for any excuse to hang out with her, I happened to come across some so I offered her to do it with me. I didn't think she would say yes, but she did and we'll see what happens. I am still thinking about whether it would be a good idea or not.

She is not a loser, but I could see how you say that.

 

We'll see how all this shakes out.

It's Friday now and we haven't spoken since Sunday.

Faith, I am not comfortable with how she wants things, which seems to be a casual flirty friendship, and only on the weekends. Either I accept how the reality is, and go with it, or I abort and say I never want to see her again.

I don't think I can do the latter, so I will have to go at her pace right now.

I already have a date lined up tonight, and I seem to be getting a lot of numbers right now, so my self-esteem is picking back up.

Get this, my date tonight looks just like her and is 49!

What can I say, there are some beautiful older women out there and I love em.

So, Faith, you're right, even though I am not going to church Sunday, we will eventually run into each other at the gym again, and yes, the sparks will fly again, and what happens next is anybody's guess.

Maybe with time and space she will realize she can't do any better and we are actually a great match, and she'll be back full time.

Maybe she'll continue on this "weekend" pace until she meets someone new.

Maybe we will fade away and I'll meet someone new.

The future is so unknown. Scary, yet also exciting.

I miss her, dang.

[CaliGuy]

It's real simple.

My needs are not being met, and that's all that matters.

It's a give/take relationship, with me giving and her taking.

Even when we were together, she didn't have much to give to the relationship.

Even during sex, she wasn't very active.

I was the one who paid for everything, treated her like a goddess in bed, I gave her my heart and she couldn't appreciate it.

The more time away from her the better I get and the better perspective I get.

I deserve wayyyy better.

As far as being 30 with a 50 year old girlfriend, that doesn't concern me. She looks unreal for her age. She honestly looks like a 30 year old.

She gets attention from all men, teenagers, whatever. Even women hit on her. Plus she takes great care of her body. And having kids is not something I know I want to do.

The only thing I do know, is at this moment in time, she is not fulfilling my needs and not giving to the relationship like I want her to. That could change in the future, or it might not.

For now, though, I am going to do my own thing and go out with other women.

No other way to go.

 

If she doesn't meet your needs, it's a win/lose.

 

Win for her, lose for you.

 

Look for win/win deals. That's the way life was intended. Simply put, you know what you have to do. The question is are you going to do it?

 

Date other women. Immerse yourself in things that help you become a better person. Who cares what she does?

[NorCalDave]

I know. It is a win/lose right now. It's still hard for me to understand how she can handle this. I see how much she gushes over me when we are together, I see how touchy and flirty she is, and her comments like "This feels so right" and "you are the perfect man for any woman" keep sticking in my head. Especially the hints at sex and stuff. I don't know how she restrains herself and can just not call at all during the week, like we're strangers. This is not a friendship. It's a "strictly on her terms" friendship, which is in effect, not a real friendship.

I think about how she is doing the same thing with her other ex, and I see all the codependency being exhibited. She can't/won't let him go either, and they chat and argue because he wants more, like me, but she doesn't comply so they fight but no one ever moves on, they just keep torturing themselves. And I see how I'm starting to do the same thing with her: refusing to move on and torturing myself.

Classic codependency.

All I need to remember is when we were at the beach kissing 4 weeks ago, and she said she's never had a connection like we have, it feels so right, blah blah blah, that she ALSO said how she needs therapy and counseling to break her codependency with Jim her ex before she can be ready to get back with me. Whether or not she actually gets therapy and counseling to learn to let go of that relationship is another story. Because he has $$$, she also said sometimes she thinks about just giving up and settling and going back to him because she is pretty much broke.

So, she has got alot to figure out in her life. I need to remember that.

She knows she isn't ready, and she won't ever be any good in any relationship until she lets go of her past and tells herself she deserves happiness.

Until that day comes, and it may never come, I need to tell myself the same thing and simply date other women and get my self esteem up, and have fun!

I am so sick of driving around wondering if I'll drive by her, wondering if she'll be at the gym, wondering if she'll want to have sex, wondering if she'll come around. It's all unhealthy and I am honestly sick and tired of feeling pain because she has an inability to give herself to me in a relationship.

When she tells me I need to date younger women, I need to comply with her. And I plan on it.

If she doesn't need me, do I really need her? It feels like I do, but I know I don't need her to be happy. It just feels like I do.

[CaliGuy]

I know. It is a win/lose right now. It's still hard for me to understand how she can handle this. I see how much she gushes over me when we are together, I see how touchy and flirty she is, and her comments like "This feels so right" and "you are the perfect man for any woman" keep sticking in my head. Especially the hints at sex and stuff. I don't know how she restrains herself and can just not call at all during the week, like we're strangers. This is not a friendship. It's a "strictly on her terms" friendship, which is in effect, not a real friendship.

 

You meet an emotional need for her. You make her feel good and that's all she wants from you right now.

 

Win/lose for you. She wins, you lose. Her needs are met, yours are not.

 

I think about how she is doing the same thing with her other ex, and I see all the codependency being exhibited. She can't/won't let him go either, and they chat and argue because he wants more, like me, but she doesn't comply so they fight but no one ever moves on, they just keep torturing themselves. And I see how I'm starting to do the same thing with her: refusing to move on and torturing myself.

 

She loves the drama, loves the attention, etc. She feeds on it. And you both are giving her what she wants. One of you, preferably you my friend, need to step out of that situation for your own good.

 

Stop feeding her and start feeding yourself.

 

Classic codependency.

All I need to remember is when we were at the beach kissing 4 weeks ago, and she said she's never had a connection like we have, it feels so right, blah blah blah, that she ALSO said how she needs therapy and counseling to break her codependency with Jim her ex before she can be ready to get back with me. Whether or not she actually gets therapy and counseling to learn to let go of that relationship is another story. Because he has $$$, she also said sometimes she thinks about just giving up and settling and going back to him because she is pretty much broke.

 

You want to know what would help her break it? Disappear for 3+ months out of her life. Don't call, don't email, don't text or otherwise make any contact with her.

 

How is she ever going to learn to appreiate and value you if you don't go away? See what I mean? You're always available to her and that makes your value in her eyes much less. She knows you'll always be there, waiting for her, when she is ready and therfore she has no reason to break her dependency on either of you. Why should she? You both are attached to her at the hip.

 

Women respect men who respect themselves. Start respecting yourself and break out of this love triangle. Show her that you will not accept being second best in her eyes.

 

Remember, you can not be friends with someone of the opposite sex that you are in love with. All it will do is delay your healing and give them no reason to seek you out.

 

So, she has got alot to figure out in her life. I need to remember that.

She knows she isn't ready, and she won't ever be any good in any relationship until she lets go of her past and tells herself she deserves happiness.

 

Help her along by initiating (without a warning) no contact. Don't say anything to her, just disappear.

 

Until that day comes, and it may never come, I need to tell myself the same thing and simply date other women and get my self esteem up, and have fun!

I am so sick of driving around wondering if I'll drive by her, wondering if she'll be at the gym, wondering if she'll want to have sex, wondering if she'll come around. It's all unhealthy and I am honestly sick and tired of feeling pain because she has an inability to give herself to me in a relationship.

When she tells me I need to date younger women, I need to comply with her. And I plan on it.

If she doesn't need me, do I really need her? It feels like I do, but I know I don't need her to be happy. It just feels like I do.

 

Ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

Simple but powerful. There's nothing more painful than unrequited love, that's a fact. So, show her that if she can't meet your emotional needs then you won't meet hers. It's that simple, really. And if she gets them met by someone else then that's a gigantic red flag telling you that you were never a priority for her. She has a lot of insecurities to get over. Mainly I think due to the age difference.

 

You can't fix her problems, only she can. The only thing you control in your life is YOU. Stop worrying about her now and put 100% of your focus on your needs because YOU are the only one who can meet them right now. And really, you should always be able to get your own needs met without depending on someone else to meet them for you.

[smile95]

NORCALDAVE-I tried to reply to your PM, but it said you ar enot accepting messages.

 

Thank you for your support.

[NorCalDave]

Cali-guy, I read your posts every day for support, and I am really considering doing the disappearing act for 3 months and see what happens.

As hard as it seems, I bet it would get her back.

When I let her go for 7 months last year, she came right back into my hip pocket when we ran into each other again.

Taking 3 months off from this codependent behavior would probably be pretty healthy for me and my emotions, as well.

After the 3 months, should I give her a phone call, or just show up at our church out of the blue and surprise her?

Man, it sounds intimidating to take 3 months off from her when I think about her probably 20 times a minute.

[smile95]

I have done that before NORCALDAVE....you want them to want you....you should not have to play games to get them to come back...they come back when they think they have lost you and then things are GREAT and then they leave again...Do NC for you and not to get a result.

[CaliGuy]

Cali-guy, I read your posts every day for support, and I am really considering doing the disappearing act for 3 months and see what happens.

As hard as it seems, I bet it would get her back.

When I let her go for 7 months last year, she came right back into my hip pocket when we ran into each other again.

Taking 3 months off from this codependent behavior would probably be pretty healthy for me and my emotions, as well.

After the 3 months, should I give her a phone call, or just show up at our church out of the blue and surprise her?

Man, it sounds intimidating to take 3 months off from her when I think about her probably 20 times a minute.

 

Don't go NC as a way to manipulate her back into your life. It may generate interest but as you have seen first hand, it won't keep her there. She has to want to come back on her own and be earnest in making it work. So far it doesn't seem like that's what she wants.

 

Go NC to allow yourself to heal and enjoy life again. She may never come back. Do you want to sit around waiting for something that may never happen while life passes you by? You can if you implement NC to try and win her back instead of helping you move on with life.

 

It's up to you. The past is done and over with and there's nothing you can do to change it. Your present is the only thing you really have control over. You can spend it making yourself happy by moving on with life or you can spend it being miserable by living in the past.

 

The choice is yours.

[NorCalDave]

Don't go NC as a way to manipulate her back into your life. It may generate interest but as you have seen first hand, it won't keep her there. She has to want to come back on her own and be earnest in making it work. So far it doesn't seem like that's what she wants.

 

Go NC to allow yourself to heal and enjoy life again. She may never come back. Do you want to sit around waiting for something that may never happen while life passes you by? You can if you implement NC to try and win her back instead of helping you move on with life.

 

It's up to you. The past is done and over with and there's nothing you can do to change it. Your present is the only thing you really have control over. You can spend it making yourself happy by moving on with life or you can spend it being miserable by living in the past.

 

The choice is yours.

 

I know. It's just that my life still involves seeing her. We work out at the same gym, and I was there first, I am not changing gyms because of her. I have a great deal financially, and all my friends are there....

...I have tried going to other churches in the area too....the last 3 weekends I have tried a new church, and I like our church the best.

So, it's like I am bound to run into her more often than not.

And she is my fav. stylist/haircutter too.

Our lives mesh and we have so much in common that it's just easy to be together, so I don't know why it's tough for her to commit. Besides I pay for everything, treat her like a queen in bed, listen to her every word....any girl would want to be treated like I treat her...

We have the same hobbies and beliefs and the chemistry is so fabulous...it just blows my mind...

Last night I saw her at the gym and she was kind of irritated that I haven't been showing up to church. I asked her "How was it Sunday?"

She said, "Find out for yourself, maybe you should show up.."

At least I'm getting her riled up by not going to church!

Anyways, NC seems impossible, and I just need to slowly ween my way away from her and try to really meet someone new....

....if she can resist and not sleep with me and not want to hang out, then she leaves me no choice but to go have fun and meet other women...

...I don't know why she has such a fear of being with someone. It's like she doesn't have much to give or isn't motivated to be in a relationship, and she's got to be the most non-sexual woman in the world. I truly believe she will have a hard time finding anyone who will treat her better. No one will be as patient with her, as understanding, no one will put up with as much as I do. I think she will have a hard time finding a healthy happy secure relationship. She could have it with me, but she chooses to be by herself...maybe she feels "old" being with me, I don't know. Maybe it's easier to be alone than to feel old.

Sorry, I know NC is best, but I just don't know if I can do it.