Weekend friendship/relationship?

[krzr]

then go light contact as possible and only run into her at the gym and church but no communication. eventually hopefully she fades from your heart or you find someone else that captivates you and maybe then you will be able to move on.

[CaliGuy]

I know. It's just that my life still involves seeing her. We work out at the same gym, and I was there first, I am not changing gyms because of her. I have a great deal financially, and all my friends are there....

 

BIG DEAL! Just go to another gym. That problem is solved.

 

...I have tried going to other churches in the area too....the last 3 weekends I have tried a new church, and I like our church the best.

So, it's like I am bound to run into her more often than not.

 

I am going to address this in a second.

 

And she is my fav. stylist/haircutter too.

 

Oh geez. Find another one. You sound like you are making excuses to be in her life. When you have decided to love and respect yourself you won't see changing your gym or hairsylist as being forced to, but out of respect for yourself. You're too comfortable with life as it is. Changing is scary to some people but sometimes change is VERY good for you. How are you going to meet Ms. Right if you are always putting yourself in a position to hang out with Ms. Wrong?

 

Our lives mesh and we have so much in common that it's just easy to be together, so I don't know why it's tough for her to commit. Besides I pay for everything, treat her like a queen in bed,

 

First off if you are a professed Christian and sleeping with her, you already know that is wrong. I'm not going to preach to you because you should know better.

 

Secondly, treating a woman like a queen can and often does come off as DOOR MAT behavior. If you are treating her so good because you want her approval, that's a door mat. If you do things like in the hopes she will love and accept you for what you do and not who you are (because deep down you don't think she could love you for who you are) then you are indeed a door mat, my friend.

 

 

listen to her every word....any girl would want to be treated like I treat her...

 

Wrong. The kind of behavior you are admitting to puts far too much pressure on your partner to return the treatment. Some people love in different ways. The way you love could often be described as SMOTHERING. It's what door mat men do to gain approval because as I said, deep down they don't feel they are worthy.

 

Do yourself a favor and read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. I believe it would help you a lot.

 

We have the same hobbies and beliefs and the chemistry is so fabulous...it just blows my mind...

 

Maybe that is how you see things but obviously she doesn't see things that way. Remember, you are YOU and not HER.

 

Last night I saw her at the gym and she was kind of irritated that I haven't been showing up to church. I asked her "How was it Sunday?"

She said, "Find out for yourself, maybe you should show up.."

At least I'm getting her riled up by not going to church!

 

She's not riled up because she wants to be with you. She is riled up because she thinks you are not getting fed spiritually. She sounds a lot like my ex and you sound a lot like I used to be.

 

Anyways, NC seems impossible,

 

Only because you don't want to do it. Admit it. You are making excuses to be in her life thinking that "Well if she sees me all the time then she'll eventually fall back in love with me." Doesn't work that way. She probably feels sorry for you but being sorry for someone is not a foundation for love. You DO need to disappear from her life but not as a way to win her back, but as a way for you to break free from the "door mat" behavior and addiction you have to her. There are other women out there but you'll never meet them because you are making excuses to stay in contact with your ex.

 

and I just need to slowly ween my way away from her and try to really meet someone new....

 

Slowly weening yourself from her is not the answer. Going "cold turkey" is.

 

....if she can resist and not sleep with me and not want to hang out, then she leaves me no choice but to go have fun and meet other women...

 

Again, she sounds a lot like my ex. Let me tell you, bud, that you are doing God, yourself and her a disservice when you are sleeping together outside of marriage. Be it her or anyone else.

 

...I don't know why she has such a fear of being with someone. It's like she doesn't have much to give or isn't motivated to be in a relationship, and she's got to be the most non-sexual woman in the world.

 

Have is ever occured to you that she feels convicted of her sexual sin? Because I can tell that you are not. The true mark of a Christian is not that we are sin free, because being sinless is impossible. It's the feeling of CONVICTION for letting God down because we have sinned.

 

Until you understand that you will never understand why she is the way she is. And to me it sounds like you don't respect her or her beliefs at all.

 

I truly believe she will have a hard time finding anyone who will treat her better.

 

Sorry my friend, but this is the ultimate call of the DOOR MAT NICE GUY. You aren't treating her near as well as you think because you don't respect her. Sure, you do nice things for her but you do it as a means to MANIPULATE her into your life. This is bad. This isn't how a GOOD and BALANCED man behaves. This is how a selfish, jerk-ish guy posing as a nice guy behaves.

 

No one will be as patient with her, as understanding, no one will put up with as much as I do.

 

Again you are wrong. This is how YOU perceive things to be. The minute she finds someone who loves and respects her for who she is and not what she can give him then she WILL find someone who treats her how she wants to be treated. How you treated her doesn't mean jack squat if it doesn't meet her emotional needs. Obviously if you did she would be with you. But you do not and that's something you need to get through your head. You may think you treated her perfectly but the end result of this relationship says otherwise.

 

She's not the problem here. You are.

 

I think she will have a hard time finding a healthy happy secure relationship. She could have it with me, but she chooses to be by herself...

 

If that's not a huge wake up call for you, I don't know what is. If you were the "one" if she felt you had all the qualities she was looking for she would not be so hesistant nor would she have broken things off.

 

maybe she feels "old" being with me, I don't know. Maybe it's easier to be alone than to feel old.

 

Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable. Sounds like she understands that.

 

Sorry, I know NC is best, but I just don't know if I can do it.

 

You can. You just choose not to. And yes, this may sound a bit harsh and borderline rude advice but my friend, I wish someone had told me this about my ex a long time ago.

 

As I said before, your ex is acting just like mine and I acted just like you (even the "high and mighty" part about nobody treating her better than me.) Well as you can tell if you have read my threads, the way I treated her did not win her over, it just pushed her away until she found someone who met her needs.

 

I was a mess back then. I was NOT right for my ex and at least I can see that now and exactly why. It doesn't change anything because that is all in the past. But it took me a long time to figure out what was going on and that it was ME who was the problem in many respects and not just her. Yes my ex had issues but I don't control her. The only thing I am in control of is me and I have worked extremely hard to fix the err of my ways.

 

Sounds like you need to do a lot of soul searching yourself.

[NorCalDave]

BIG DEAL! Just go to another gym. That problem is solved.

 

 

 

I am going to address this in a second.

 

 

 

Oh geez. Find another one. You sound like you are making excuses to be in her life. When you have decided to love and respect yourself you won't see changing your gym or hairsylist as being forced to, but out of respect for yourself. You're too comfortable with life as it is. Changing is scary to some people but sometimes change is VERY good for you. How are you going to meet Ms. Right if you are always putting yourself in a position to hang out with Ms. Wrong?

 

 

 

First off if you are a professed Christian and sleeping with her, you already know that is wrong. I'm not going to preach to you because you should know better.

 

Secondly, treating a woman like a queen can and often does come off as DOOR MAT behavior. If you are treating her so good because you want her approval, that's a door mat. If you do things like in the hopes she will love and accept you for what you do and not who you are (because deep down you don't think she could love you for who you are) then you are indeed a door mat, my friend.

 

 

 

 

Wrong. The kind of behavior you are admitting to puts far too much pressure on your partner to return the treatment. Some people love in different ways. The way you love could often be described as SMOTHERING. It's what door mat men do to gain approval because as I said, deep down they don't feel they are worthy.

 

Do yourself a favor and read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. I believe it would help you a lot.

 

 

 

Maybe that is how you see things but obviously she doesn't see things that way. Remember, you are YOU and not HER.

 

 

 

She's not riled up because she wants to be with you. She is riled up because she thinks you are not getting fed spiritually. She sounds a lot like my ex and you sound a lot like I used to be.

 

 

 

Only because you don't want to do it. Admit it. You are making excuses to be in her life thinking that "Well if she sees me all the time then she'll eventually fall back in love with me." Doesn't work that way. She probably feels sorry for you but being sorry for someone is not a foundation for love. You DO need to disappear from her life but not as a way to win her back, but as a way for you to break free from the "door mat" behavior and addiction you have to her. There are other women out there but you'll never meet them because you are making excuses to stay in contact with your ex.

 

 

 

Slowly weening yourself from her is not the answer. Going "cold turkey" is.

 

 

 

Again, she sounds a lot like my ex. Let me tell you, bud, that you are doing God, yourself and her a disservice when you are sleeping together outside of marriage. Be it her or anyone else.

 

 

 

Have is ever occured to you that she feels convicted of her sexual sin? Because I can tell that you are not. The true mark of a Christian is not that we are sin free, because being sinless is impossible. It's the feeling of CONVICTION for letting God down because we have sinned.

 

Until you understand that you will never understand why she is the way she is. And to me it sounds like you don't respect her or her beliefs at all.

 

 

 

Sorry my friend, but this is the ultimate call of the DOOR MAT NICE GUY. You aren't treating her near as well as you think because you don't respect her. Sure, you do nice things for her but you do it as a means to MANIPULATE her into your life. This is bad. This isn't how a GOOD and BALANCED man behaves. This is how a selfish, jerk-ish guy posing as a nice guy behaves.

 

 

 

Again you are wrong. This is how YOU perceive things to be. The minute she finds someone who loves and respects her for who she is and not what she can give him then she WILL find someone who treats her how she wants to be treated. How you treated her doesn't mean jack squat if it doesn't meet her emotional needs. Obviously if you did she would be with you. But you do not and that's something you need to get through your head. You may think you treated her perfectly but the end result of this relationship says otherwise.

 

She's not the problem here. You are.

 

 

 

If that's not a huge wake up call for you, I don't know what is. If you were the "one" if she felt you had all the qualities she was looking for she would not be so hesistant nor would she have broken things off.

 

 

 

Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable. Sounds like she understands that.

 

 

 

You can. You just choose not to. And yes, this may sound a bit harsh and borderline rude advice but my friend, I wish someone had told me this about my ex a long time ago.

 

As I said before, your ex is acting just like mine and I acted just like you (even the "high and mighty" part about nobody treating her better than me.) Well as you can tell if you have read my threads, the way I treated her did not win her over, it just pushed her away until she found someone who met her needs.

 

I was a mess back then. I was NOT right for my ex and at least I can see that now and exactly why. It doesn't change anything because that is all in the past. But it took me a long time to figure out what was going on and that it was ME who was the problem in many respects and not just her. Yes my ex had issues but I don't control her. The only thing I am in control of is me and I have worked extremely hard to fix the err of my ways.

 

Sounds like you need to do a lot of soul searching yourself.

 

 

Caliguy, yes I am making excuses to remain in her life, but I think you are not clear on how she is, and the mixed messages she sends, and how dysfunctional she is.

If I couldn't meet her emotional needs and I am a doormat and a bad Christian, why would she tell me 4 weeks ago, "No one's ever treated me as good as you. It's hard for me to be with someone who treats me so well, I'm not used to it."

Oh, but I guess I am the problem. Okay, I am a doormat because I treat her great.

 

And as far as the conviction about sex, she doesn't believe in marriage so it's not like she's waiting for marriage to have sex.

This woman has a hard time being treated right, and loved.

Some things might be similar to your situation, but I guarantee they're very different.

You and your ex didn't have a 20 year age gap.

My ex has never been married or had kids, and she is a beautiful, wonderful lady.

Shouldn't that tell you something?

She's had her chance to be with really rich men, nice guys, whatever, and she pushes them all away to remain in her little studio by herself with her cats.

 

I can see how you would say this is all me, and I need to change, and I need to be a better Christian, but the truth is I am a good Christian, and I would marry her in a second and abstain from sex if she wanted to. It's just that she doesn't believe in the constitution of marriage, and chose not to have kids, and doesn't want to be committed to anything. She can barely keep a job and has run from commitment her whole life.

She tells me she wants to be with me and misses talking to me every day but is on her own spiritual path to find out who exactly she is.

She tells me not to take it personal, that she isn't dating anyone else and isn't looking to...she just needs space and time to get her stuff together.

She still gives me loving kisses which keeps me reeled in and this does not make me a doormat....nor does the fact that I do nice things for her.

I do nice things for her because I love her and want to help her.

Never once have I done a good deed for her and asked afterward, "Can we have sex now?"

I think you're misunderstanding me and the situation.

 

I am no doormat. I don't beg, plead, I don't call. We happen to run into each other at the gym or church, and she initiates all conversations.

She said last week she wanted to come over and go hottubbing (which usually leads to sex), and then she flaked the next 3 nights on going...

...whenever I back off, she pulls me back in....

...I know it may be dysfunctional and codependent, but I guarantee she respects me and WANTS me to be at church with her, not just to get the message but because SHE ENJOYS MY COMPANY.

Why else would she call 3 times and leave 2 messages after I went to another church for Easter?

Is she so concerned that I get the "word" or the message?

No, she misses me sitting right next to her and getting coffee afterwards and being around me...which is why she also calls me every 6-7 days saying "we need to catch up" and "I miss your presence"....

 

...It's not all me, it's my fault and decision for continuing to see her maybe, but I guarantee she is the one who has the growing up to do, and needs therapy to get over her past.

She first needs to release HER ex, as they still talk and are codependent but she told me 4 weeks ago (when we were kissing at the beach) there is no future between them, she doesn't feel that spark that she feels with me, but she still cares about him and his well-being.

She has trauma from a difficult childhood, she has committal issues, she is turned off to sex and going through menopause so she's all over the place.

 

Despite all that, I love her and would be there for her in a second.

Not to get laid, not for ulterior motives, but because I love her and we have a connection.

Would I mind her coming back and wanting sex? Absolutely not. But on her time, when she's ready and comfortable.

I know how she feels about me and all I have to do is remember her crying telling me how NO ONE has ever treated her better.

Some women can only handle being treated like crap. Her ex used to beat her up, throw her down by her hair, manipulate her, do drugs around her....and she still cares for him and his well-being and can't let go....hmmm...kind of a red flag for dysfunction wouldn't you say? Kind of like the battered wife syndrome?

 

I am not a doormat because I love her and am patient with her. Maybe I am just a man who is caring and still in love?

I understand doing NC for myself and my own health, but I also like to be able to see her at church and stuff, and maybe when she gets all her stuff together, and feels more comfortable with herself, and begins to love herself, will she realize a relationship with me will work out.

Until then, I'm not holding my breath and I will give her and myself the space we need to grow and be happy.

And if she happens to meet someone else who she feels more comfortable with, then good for her, but I HIGHLY doubt that will happen. She's more into volunteering her time for her addict friends and reading self-help books and stuff..for some people, a relationship with someone else is useless if you don't have a good relationship with yourself. And she doesn't seem to be happy with herself right now...she's unclear about alot of things, and she still claims she's waking up to things because she's only been sober 4 years now...

She has also said recently she respects me because I give her space, and she sees how I've matured over the years, but she just still has a hard time getting over how I make her feel insecure because of the age gap.

That's not my issue, IT'S HERS.

But I disagree that I am a doormat because I am good to her. If she can't appreciate someone loving her, being patient with her, and being there for her when she needs someone, then that is her issues not mine.

What woman wouldn't want all that wrapped up in a great looking young guy?

To me, the age gap and her uncomfortability with her insecurities is the big thing here, and either she becomes more comfortable with it over time or she doesn't.

Either way, I will be fine because I know I am a great catch and a good person and someone will appreciate me and my deeds.

And in no way does being a nice guy make me a door-mat. I'm not going to slap her around just because that's all she's ever known.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy, yes I am making excuses to remain in her life,

 

Like I said earlier, I know. You are just like me, she is just like my ex.

 

but I think you are not clear on how she is, and the mixed messages she sends, and how dysfunctional she is.

 

Oh trust me, my ex was the same way. What I should have done was backed away and let her come to me. Instead I kept inserting myself into her life which essentially kept me from healing and pushed her away completely.

 

Do you want to learn from my mistakes or yours?

 

If I couldn't meet her emotional needs and I am a doormat and a bad Christian, why would she tell me 4 weeks ago, "No one's ever treated me as good as you. It's hard for me to be with someone who treats me so well, I'm not used to it."

 

Same thing my ex told me. She's now engaged to someone else. You following me? I did the same things you are doing and the result was that she found someone else.

 

Oh, but I guess I am the problem. Okay, I am a doormat because I treat her great.

 

Not entirely true. If you are doing these great things to get her to approve of you, to get her to love you, then yes, you ARE a doormat. Do good things for people not because you want something or expecting something back from them. Do them because that is who you are with NO expectations.

 

And as far as the conviction about sex, she doesn't believe in marriage so it's not like she's waiting for marriage to have sex.

 

She's obviously very confused. And you're not helping her by hanging around.

 

This woman has a hard time being treated right, and loved.

Some things might be similar to your situation, but I guarantee they're very different.

 

Oh you say that but well, you just don't know for sure. From all you have said your relationship sounds exactly like mine.

 

You and your ex didn't have a 20 year age gap.

 

Nope. We had an 8 year gap.

 

My ex has never been married or had kids, and she is a beautiful, wonderful lady.

Shouldn't that tell you something?

 

Yes. And it should tell you something as well. She has commitment problems and is trying to push you away. She's not healthy or fit for a relationship. Why are you hanging around trying to force her into something she doesn't want?

 

What part of "let her live her life" don't you get? If she is not healthy for a relationship and can not meet YOUR needs (and it sounds like she doesn't) then why aren't you focusing in on women who can?

 

She's had her chance to be with really rich men, nice guys, whatever, and she pushes them all away to remain in her little studio by herself with her cats.

 

And you want her, why? If you know this about her already, why are you wasting your time?

 

I can see how you would say this is all me, and I need to change, and I need to be a better Christian, but the truth is I am a good Christian, and I would marry her in a second and abstain from sex if she wanted to. It's just that she doesn't believe in the constitution of marriage, and chose not to have kids, and doesn't want to be committed to anything. She can barely keep a job and has run from commitment her whole life.

She tells me she wants to be with me and misses talking to me every day but is on her own spiritual path to find out who exactly she is.

She tells me not to take it personal, that she isn't dating anyone else and isn't looking to...she just needs space and time to get her stuff together.

She still gives me loving kisses which keeps me reeled in and this does not make me a doormat....nor does the fact that I do nice things for her.

I do nice things for her because I love her and want to help her.

Never once have I done a good deed for her and asked afterward, "Can we have sex now?"

I think you're misunderstanding me and the situation.

 

So what you are admitting to is this woman is confused and not really relationship material (for you or anyone else) yet, damn the torpedoes, you are going ahead full steam, flying in the face of reality?

 

That's what I am getting from this.

 

I am no doormat. I don't beg, plead, I don't call. We happen to run into each other at the gym or church, and she initiates all conversations.

She said last week she wanted to come over and go hottubbing (which usually leads to sex), and then she flaked the next 3 nights on going...

...whenever I back off, she pulls me back in....

...I know it may be dysfunctional and codependent, but I guarantee she respects me and WANTS me to be at church with her, not just to get the message but because SHE ENJOYS MY COMPANY.

Why else would she call 3 times and leave 2 messages after I went to another church for Easter?

Is she so concerned that I get the "word" or the message?

No, she misses me sitting right next to her and getting coffee afterwards and being around me...which is why she also calls me every 6-7 days saying "we need to catch up" and "I miss your presence"....

 

Again, she is confused, doesn't know what she wants. The more you hang around her, the more you are going to confuse yourself. She needs to work these issues out on her own without your influence. How is she ever going to learn to appreciate you if you never go away and give her a chance to taste life without you?

 

...It's not all me, it's my fault and decision for continuing to see her maybe, but I guarantee she is the one who has the growing up to do, and needs therapy to get over her past.

She first needs to release HER ex, as they still talk and are codependent but she told me 4 weeks ago (when we were kissing at the beach) there is no future between them, she doesn't feel that spark that she feels with me, but she still cares about him and his well-being.

She has trauma from a difficult childhood, she has committal issues, she is turned off to sex and going through menopause so she's all over the place.

 

Again, she is NOT healthy or fit to have a relationship yet knowing all this you are ignoring red flag after red flag and allowing yourself to stay attached to her. This has nothing to do with her, it has to do with your own self-respect. Can you not find someone who is healthy and fit for a relationship? Do you think so poorly of yourself that you feel you can not do better than this woman?

 

Think about that.

 

Despite all that, I love her and would be there for her in a second.

Not to get laid, not for ulterior motives, but because I love her and we have a connection.

 

Sex and a "connection" doesn't make for a healthy, lasting relationship alone. One has to be fit mentally/emotionally in order to have a healthy, lasting relationship and it's readily apparent that she is neither.

 

Would I mind her coming back and wanting sex? Absolutely not. But on her time, when she's ready and comfortable.

 

I don't get it. If you are a self-proclaimed Christian walking in the light of Jesus you should not be engaging in pre-marital sex. Period. Do you not understand that? That's NOT the way a Christian who is following Jesus' commandments would live.

 

I know how she feels about me and all I have to do is remember her crying telling me how NO ONE has ever treated her better.

 

Again, my ex repeated this constantly and I hung on to that. Guess what? It didn't matter in the long run. She went to someone who respected himself and didn't cater to her every whim.

 

Some women can only handle being treated like crap. Her ex used to beat her up, throw her down by her hair, manipulate her, do drugs around her....and she still cares for him and his well-being and can't let go....hmmm...kind of a red flag for dysfunction wouldn't you say? Kind of like the battered wife syndrome?

 

Well then if you know this then you understand in her current state she does not think much of herself or think she is worthy of being treated well. She has no self-esteem and thus normal to her is the way her ex treated her. She doesn't feel worthy of being treated well. This is not something you can control or change. She has to fix her self-esteem issues on her own. She needs Counseling. You are not her Counselor nor should you try to be. The more you become her Counselor the less she will see you as relationship material and more as a friend.

 

I am not a doormat because I love her and am patient with her. Maybe I am just a man who is caring and still in love?

 

You are a door mat in the sense you can tell this woman is not fit to be in a relationship and yet you still ignore the red flags and do not respect yourself enough to distance yourself from her and walk away. You still continue to make excuses to see her and be in her life. That's doormat behavior. No self-respect.

 

I understand doing NC for myself and my own health, but I also like to be able to see her at church and stuff, and maybe when she gets all her stuff together, and feels more comfortable with herself, and begins to love herself, will she realize a relationship with me will work out.

 

Past behavior is the only reliable indication of future results. Much the same way insanity is defined as "Doing the same things over and over expecting different results." You need to do something drastic. First and foremost you need to start respecting yourself and have the intestinal fortitude to walk away from her. She's NOT FIT for a relationship. You know that, you just won't admit it. I don't care what she tells you as far as how you treat her. I don't care that she says she has mixed feelings. It's what she DOES that matters and right now she is showing you that she doesn't want to be with you. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything.

 

Until then, I'm not holding my breath and I will give her and myself the space we need to grow and be happy.

 

But you are choosing NOT to give her space by making excuses to see her. What part of that don't you understand?

 

And if she happens to meet someone else who she feels more comfortable with, then good for her, but I HIGHLY doubt that will happen.

 

That's so self-righteous of you to say that. She's not fit for you or anyone else right now. She has demons to slay. Instead of patting yourself on the back for how well you treated her, how about RESPECTING yourself and walking away from her for good? How the heck are you ever going to meet someone who is healthy relationship material when you keep hanging around someone who is BROKEN?

 

She's more into volunteering her time for her addict friends and reading self-help books and stuff..for some people, a relationship with someone else is useless if you don't have a good relationship with yourself. And she doesn't seem to be happy with herself right now...she's unclear about alot of things, and she still claims she's waking up to things because she's only been sober 4 years now...

 

You focus far too much of your time and attention on her problems while completely ignoring the fact that your issues are going unchecked. And yes, you do have issues. You are attached emotionally to someone who is emotionally unavailable to you. And even if years down the road she is finally fit for a relationship, women who would be a better fit for you will have gone un-noticed in your life because you have tunnel vision.

 

When are you going to respect yourself? When are you going to have the self-confidence to say "I deserve better?" What's it going to take to get you to do a self-evaluation and determine what is best for you?

 

You can fix her. She's outside of your boundaries. All you have control over is YOU. And you are the only one capable of snapping yourself out of this self-inflicted circle of despair.

 

She has also said recently she respects me because I give her space, and she sees how I've matured over the years, but she just still has a hard time getting over how I make her feel insecure because of the age gap.

That's not my issue, IT'S HERS.

 

Everything is about her. Very little is about what you need to work on. Stop talking about her and start thinking about what YOU need to do to get yourself out of this mess.

 

But I disagree that I am a doormat because I am good to her. If she can't appreciate someone loving her, being patient with her, and being there for her when she needs someone, then that is her issues not mine.

 

Exactly. That is why you need to walk away. Leave her alone. And I mean stay away from any places you both might run into each other. Instead you need to distance yourself for at least 2 months. No interactions with her whatsoever. If she is reading self-help books then let her come to the conclusions she needs to on her own without your interference. She doesn't need a daddy or Counseling from you. She needs to work on her problems on her own. If she wants your help she will ask for it. Never, ever volunteer to fix someone's problem who did not explicitly ask you for help. Bad mojo.

 

What woman wouldn't want all that wrapped up in a great looking young guy?

To me, the age gap and her uncomfortability with her insecurities is the big thing here, and either she becomes more comfortable with it over time or she doesn't.

 

If you truly believe this then why are you wasting your time on her?

 

Either way, I will be fine because I know I am a great catch and a good person and someone will appreciate me and my deeds.

And in no way does being a nice guy make me a door-mat. I'm not going to slap her around just because that's all she's ever known.

 

Not being a door mat does not mean start slapping women around. That's going to the other extreme. A jerk. You need to learn to be balanced. When you have enough self-respect you'll know you need to walk away from her and find someone you are more compatible with who is healthy and fit for a relationship.

 

You keep talking about what a great catch you are. Are you trying to convince us or yourself? Sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself. If you truly believe you are, then you'd walk away from this woman without hesitation and cut her out of your life.

 

But I'm willing to bet you don't have the self-respect to do it.

[NorCalDave]

Cali-guy, great post.

You're right. I see that you're right, and yet I still find excuses to see her to fulfill MY needs, because I miss her.

I agree with everything you say.

I just need to act on it.

Something in me tells me that time and distance apart are the best thing no matter how scary it sounds to never see her.

I am not trying to convince myself that I am a great catch. Everyone tells me I am and I know deep down I have a lot to give, a lot of love inside me.

And seeing her makes me want to give it to her, but you're right, she's not in a good place for a relationship with me or anyone else.

I need to remember that, and not brush it aside.

I do respect myself, I just haven't been displaying the self-respect I need to.

I need to apologize to myself, because I keep putting myself through this over and over, and you're right, she needs time to herself to fix her own problems, and if I am always there for her to catch her, she won't see me as relationship material, but rather a codependent friend and not someone who respects himself.

I will block her out of my life.

Everyone is telling me to do it, and I am being stubborn.

No more excuses.

It's best for both of us.

If I respect both of us, I will be the bigger man and not take her calls, and not find excuses to run into her.

[CaliGuy]

Cali-guy, great post.

You're right. I see that you're right, and yet I still find excuses to see her to fulfill MY needs, because I miss her.

I agree with everything you say.

I just need to act on it.

Something in me tells me that time and distance apart are the best thing no matter how scary it sounds to never see her.

I am not trying to convince myself that I am a great catch. Everyone tells me I am and I know deep down I have a lot to give, a lot of love inside me.

And seeing her makes me want to give it to her, but you're right, she's not in a good place for a relationship with me or anyone else.

I need to remember that, and not brush it aside.

I do respect myself, I just haven't been displaying the self-respect I need to.

I need to apologize to myself, because I keep putting myself through this over and over, and you're right, she needs time to herself to fix her own problems, and if I am always there for her to catch her, she won't see me as relationship material, but rather a codependent friend and not someone who respects himself.

I will block her out of my life.

Everyone is telling me to do it, and I am being stubborn.

No more excuses.

It's best for both of us.

If I respect both of us, I will be the bigger man and not take her calls, and not find excuses to run into her.

 

 

This is a good start. Remember, if I didn't care, if I didn't think you could learn something from MY mistakes, I wouldn't bother.

 

But trust me, your situation is eerily similar to mine.

 

If you follow my advice, no matter what happens, you'll come out smelling like roses. One way or another.

[NorCalDave]

Yeah, so who was older by eight years? You or her?

You think that if you left your ex alone and didn't go for the friend thing, that maybe she would have come back to you?

Why did ya'll break up?

 

People think I'm crazy because I am in love with:

A) A woman 20 years older

B) Has broken up with me more than once

C) Can't have kids

D) Doesn't want a commitment

E) Still talks and is codependent with her ex.

F) Isn't sexual, doesn't like to be touched.

G) Doesn't really believe in marriage.

H) Is highly insecure about her aging, and her self.

I) Seems to have no direction in life other than helping her addict friends

J) Pushes/pulls me away

 

 

When I list everything that's going on, you'd think I was crazy for still wanting her!

What I need to remember is I am the one who became codependent on her, and thus, breaking this cycle of LC will cure that.

It's the limited contact which I have a hard time handling, especially when we make out on the beach and watch movies on the couch under the blanket and go hottubbing....these things to me are like "couple" things and I get too worked up physically and emotionally and I just want more but she refrains and it kills me.

The limited contact is not helping me. As much as I love her, I think I can only really handle all or nothing. This limited friend contact thing is not good if you are still in love with the person.

It's weird, but when we were kissing a month ago, I really felt like she loved me....she was asking ME "what happens to us now?"

I mean, I felt like she still has a lot of love for me...but come later that week, she would admit to me, "I'm a runner. I'm trying to fight myself from seeing you."

I have to remember that too.

There's so many quotes from her that still ring in my head that confuse me...I guess her confusion REALLY adds to my confusion.

Like you said though, it's the actions not the words.

Her actions= RUN.

Like she said she's a runner. She runs when she gets close.

So, if she wants to run, go ahead, I don't need to chase.

I want to chase, I am compulsed to, my heart wants to, but my head needs to over-rule and take charge and walk away for 2 months.

Period.

 

 

I want to be in a good relationship with someone I love, and right now, she's the one I have my mind on, regardless of everything, and I am competitive and stubborn and a fool, but I will really do my best to turn this mess around.

[CaliGuy]

Yeah, so who was older by eight years? You or her?

You think that if you left your ex alone and didn't go for the friend thing, that maybe she would have come back to you?

Why did ya'll break up?

 

People think I'm crazy because I am in love with:

A) A woman 20 years older

B) Has broken up with me more than once

C) Can't have kids

D) Doesn't want a commitment

E) Still talks and is codependent with her ex.

F) Isn't sexual, doesn't like to be touched.

G) Doesn't really believe in marriage.

H) Is highly insecure about her aging, and her self.

I) Seems to have no direction in life other than helping her addict friends

J) Pushes/pulls me away

 

 

When I list everything that's going on, you'd think I was crazy for still wanting her!

What I need to remember is I am the one who became codependent on her, and thus, breaking this cycle of LC will cure that.

It's the limited contact which I have a hard time handling, especially when we make out on the beach and watch movies on the couch under the blanket and go hottubbing....these things to me are like "couple" things and I get too worked up physically and emotionally and I just want more but she refrains and it kills me.

The limited contact is not helping me. As much as I love her, I think I can only really handle all or nothing. This limited friend contact thing is not good if you are still in love with the person.

It's weird, but when we were kissing a month ago, I really felt like she loved me....she was asking ME "what happens to us now?"

I mean, I felt like she still has a lot of love for me...but come later that week, she would admit to me, "I'm a runner. I'm trying to fight myself from seeing you."

I have to remember that too.

There's so many quotes from her that still ring in my head that confuse me...I guess her confusion REALLY adds to my confusion.

Like you said though, it's the actions not the words.

Her actions= RUN.

Like she said she's a runner. She runs when she gets close.

So, if she wants to run, go ahead, I don't need to chase.

I want to chase, I am compulsed to, my heart wants to, but my head needs to over-rule and take charge and walk away for 2 months.

Period.

 

 

I want to be in a good relationship with someone I love, and right now, she's the one I have my mind on, regardless of everything, and I am competitive and stubborn and a fool, but I will really do my best to turn this mess around.

 

Your pro/con list alone is reason to run. Run hard. Run fast. Get away from her for good.

 

She's not healthy. You know it, I know it.

 

Why waste your energy on a losing proposition?

[NorCalDave]

You gonna tell me your story?

[ryanisfootdrums]

CaliGuy has a very very long story. Go search the threads and you can read all about it.