Is it really over? (VERY long)

[AHIWON]

Yes HINW, do what you gotta do in order to keep things as civil as possible. Don't want to get into any kind of domestic situation. Things will get easier with time.

[hurting_in_nw]

Yeah, the hardest part about tonight is that it was two steps back from the step forward I had taken over the past week. Oh well, at least I realized that I really just need NC to make this bearable for me.

[AHIWON]

You will recover from that step backward fairly quick. Everyone relapses a bit thru the recovery process. Don't be hard on yourself about it. Perfectly normal.

[quiet1one1]

The result is me instituting a NC policy (physical contact anyway). The kids will be picked up at a neutral third party's place. I just can't see her at all...So, from here on out, the only contact is to be via email (my home address, no more emails at work).

 

Good plan! I was just going to respond with that idea until I read your reply. Not seeing her at all is probably best for now.

 

If you really want to get at your W, you'll do it better by showing her you're not going lose control and stoop to her level. HeII with her...be strong for you!

 

Also, LJ14 mentioned earlier to think of your kids and that's extremely important. My brother went through a similar situation - like you, he struggled to stay above it all but in the end he did and "won" his kid's respect and love. The kids are older now and I don't believe he ever said anything negative to them about their Mother but they know.....ya know?

[Woggle]

You might want to get a punching bag for the basement or the garage and picture her face when you beat the crap out of it. By letting her see you thins angry you are letting her win and she knows she is getting to you. When you see her always look like you are having a great time being single and free again and always look happy. That will piss her off even more. Just realize that you are far from alone and that you are better off getting her out of your life.

[Missy27]

Well, as I thought the anger got the best of me once again tonight. I think I at least made her see some of the consequences of her actions, but in the end it was just ugly.

 

The result is me instituting a NC policy (physical contact anyway). The kids will be picked up at a neutral third party's place. I just can't see her at all, I really do hate her guts and it's only going to be ugly if I have to interact with her, for now anyway. I made so much progress over the past week, only to have it all thrown out the window tonight due to my outburst. But it made me realize that as long as she continues to rub it in my face that she's still seeing the OM and thinks there is going to be some sort of happy ending to all of this, I will continue to harbor these feelings. I'm the one still living in the house we shared, while she is in her new apartment, taking all her stuff, and seeing this scum still, acting as if life is just peachy. I don't need it. I know there needs to be some civility for the sake of the kids, but the fact is that I can't be civil right now if I have to see her in person.

 

So, from here on out, the only contact is to be via email (my home address, no more emails at work). Also, these emails aren't to contain any personal information, even if it's a "Hello." I just want a schedule of where I have to be at what times to get the kids. I think this is a good solution for the time being...it's the only way I'm going to be able to start healing.

 

The anger WILL fade in time HTN, trust me, it takes time but it DOES eventually subside. For the time being though, I think you are doing the right thing in terms of NC. Like woggle said, everytime you throw insult at her, it gives her that little bit more control. Everytime you lash out at her and lose your head, it gives her that extra reason to justify HER own behavior.

 

Remember, YOU need to be in control here. YOU need to be calling ALL the shots, and you can't do that if you let the anger overtake you. YOU need to be in control of YOUR emotions, dont let them be in control of you. Channel that anger when you feel it coming and let it out when the time and place is right, but NEVER in front of her. Dont give her the satisfaction. The BEST way you can play it when you DO see her is indifference. You may not feel it deep in the pitt of your gut, but people only see what you choose to let them see. Put on that mask and act your heart away

 

Its good that you have joined the gym. Its important that you keep busy busy busy at the moment. Wear yourself out during the day so it keeps your mind off of things and makes you tired enough to sleep at night.

 

You may not believe it right now, but she WILL get her own bite of reality soon. Just bide your time boyo and be cool

[Ladyjane14]

Everytime you lash out at her and lose your head, it gives her that extra reason to justify HER own behavior.

 

Exactly.

You VALIDATE her... every single time you give in to the urge to show your anger.... you PROVE her rationalizations. You PROVE her position that she was right to leave you.

 

The BEST way you can play it when you DO see her is indifference. You may not feel it deep in the pitt of your gut, but people only see what you choose to let them see. Put on that mask and act your heart away.

 

"Indifference" is best. Fake it 'til you make it.

[debilou]

I'm so sorry for your pain and struggle. I've been there. Oh have I been there.

 

The anger....... my X left 2 1/2 years ago, the D final 2/6/07, the anger is still there. My kids are 11 and 16. I had a plan for my life ..... to raise my children to be accomplished, happy, well adjusted adults. Ha! The X put a big dent in that fantasy. That's where my anger is mostly. This is about you. But I want you to know you are sooooo not alone in your anger.

 

We can only control ourselves. She has made a huge mistake. I won't be one of those people who say "she'll regret it" because I don't believe my X regrets anything. He doesn't have the capacity to feel remorse, guilt, sympahty, or anything else. She may be one of those people. I had no idea I married such a monster.

 

This is just the beginning of a long road. I know how you feel now. The problem is that your feelings will change over and over and over.

 

About the OM, hmmm, I have to say ........ expose, expose, expose !!!!! I agree with you about not obsessing over him and them. I tried that too. I do regret not exposing them. At the time it was easier to focus on healing. I guess I was afraid of what my X would do it I messed things up for them. They worked together and I could have done some real damage. I didn't. I let it go. 2 1/2 years later I wish I had exposed them to their company.

 

I completely agree with everyone ........ this is just an affair, this OM will NOT be the person your WW grows old with.

 

What you have to know is that because you have a child with her you will not be "done" with her for a very, very long time. A knife goes thru my heart when my kids mention anything about their dad. 3 weeks out of the month I'm ok, but when PMS hits I lose self control of my hurt. I still cry over losing my family every 3 weeks.

 

The point I want to make is that even though she has done real damage to you and your family ............. it's not over, not even close. I understand your grief. I understand how you feel so walked on. Just try to see that nothing is written in stone.

 

"Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson is a great book. You're going to get through this, we all do. Making sure your kids are as good as they can be is the real tough part. Right now they only have one parent who really cares about their pain. You're in pain, they're in pain. The one person who cares about them is in crisis. That's the crime here.

 

We're here for you. Keep posting.

 

Take care. Debilou

[Gunny376]

Lady Jane and others have referred to your giving your children the gift of overcoming your anger, but the person that you need to give it to is yourself. You need to forgive your STBXW, not for her sake ~ but yours. Its what you need to do so you can heal, trust others, one day find love again and move on and forward in your life.

 

Anger is a dark spirited emotion, and if you let it ~ it can and will consume you.It’s a negative emotion, that given substance will take on a life of its on, feed upon itself and grow. It will poison every aspect of your life ~ if you let it. It will turn to hatred and bitterness, and over-shadow every part of your life. Where do you think these bitter old men and women that walk through life hating life itself, everything in it and everyone in it.

 

A lot of men allow themselves to express only on one emotion ~ anger. You’ve lost something very dear to you, that you cherished, you need to learn how to grieve. You would be surprise how hard this is for many men to do ~ even over the death of one their children.

 

Your anger is like driving around in a heavily tinted car. You can see thorough the window, but you clarity and perception are hindered and you cannot see the full beauty that is life and all that it has to offer.

 

It is you, and no one else that can make the choice to just let it go and get over it. It really is that decision. Most people are defined by the events that make up there lives, and then there are others that defined themselves because the events of their lives. The choice is yours.

 

By working through the anger and resentment now ~ you’re ensuring that you’re not poisoning future relationships with all of the negative energy and emotions from this relationship.

 

In short ~ your best revenge is to be determined to live a fully, happy and productive life ~ without her, without all the negative emotions. Quit dragging a dead horse around everywhere you go!

[hurting_in_nw]

Thanks Gunny. Everything you say, I know is the truth, and I feel that I will come out of this on the other side how I should be. But yes, like you said, there is grieving to do, and I did some of that last night before I let the anger in. I just don't get how she can walk away from 8 years, right into the arms of someone else, without doing any grieving herself. It's pathetic and I want her to know I think she's pathetic. Now she does.

[hurting_in_nw]

So, the email only thing is working out good for me. I picked the boys up yesterday and we had a great night at the house. I went and bought a new bed and had a good night's sleep. Back to the gym today...I'm super sore from the first workout, but it feels good.

 

She emailed me twice last night from work, one to say "I can't check my Yahoo email from work, so if you sent me anything to that address tonight please forward it to my work email." Not sure why she thinks I would have emailed her about anything:\

 

Then the next one was great...the guilt is finally starting to get to her. She said she recognized that it must be hard for me to still be at the house, so she would help me out financially with getting an apartment until the house is sold. Umm, no thanks. I didn't even bother to reply...I made it clear to her the other night that all I wanted was to know where and when I have to pick up the kids. I don't need her charity or friendship any longer. She also said that her work offers mediation/legal services that we could take advantage of, or we could just continue the email-only thing. My choice has already been made, and I can tell it's getting to her. Too bad, she already blew it.

 

I also reached out to my stepson's father, who is currently serving in Afghanistan. I sent him a long email telling him what is going on, because he deserves to know that his son is experiencing this. He called me last night and was incredibly supportive, and said he feels horrible for me for what she's done, and that he feels just like I do about wanting our sons to stay brothers and see each other as much as possible. He will work with me to make sure that happens, and it will be one more area that I won't have to deal with STBXW about. Then he called this morning and said he was able to secure an early release (he still had about 6 weeks left on his deployment) and will be home by next weekend! This is good news for my stepson...he misses his daddy a lot and it will be good for him to have a neutral place to go where he doesn't have to deal with the mess his mother has caused.

[Gunny376]

Wow! What a diference 24 hours makes ~ you're coming across all day strong, being much more positive, much more pro-active. Freaking outstanding.

 

SumDude initially posted the link to this site. Its free ~ a non-pay site, and it has some good reads. Drop the site's owners an e-mail (use your yahoo or Hotmail) to let them know you appreciate their investement of time and energy.

 

Here's the link

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/over_again.html

 

There's also about 250 other articles that you'll have to go to the Homepage archieves to find.

[hurting_in_nw]

Thanks G! I've been reading a lot on that site, and I will email the owners and thank them for their contribution. I also picked up a book on the advice of my counselor, it's called "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends." I'm not that far in, but it seems like a manual/road map to dealing with what the coming months will bring. It will be a big help.

[Woggle]

You may get to the point where even if she does change her mind you won't want her back because you will be so disgusted with her. That is a good place for a divorcing man to be because it shows you are strong enough to handle life without her. Look forward to single life and enjoying your freedom.

[hurting_in_nw]

You may get to the point where even if she does change her mind you won't want her back because you will be so disgusted with her. That is a good place for a divorcing man to be because it shows you are strong enough to handle life without her. Look forward to single life and enjoying your freedom.

 

Yeah, I've written off any hope of us reconciling. I try to "never say never" in life, because that's foolish, case in point being the situation I'm in now. But if that were to ever happen, it would be a long time from now, and it would be more like two completely different people starting new than trying to rekindle what we once had. But I can safely say that as long as she continues to live life the way she is and not do any self-examination, she'll never change, and I could no longer love that person or let myself get emotionally involved again.

[El-Producto]

Hang in there.. I'm going through an almost identical situation. My wife has no intentions on reconciling, and the marriage has been dead to her for the last few years. What makes it so hard, is that I guess I wasn't on the same page.

 

I do know that I can't control what she does, and I have to stop obsessing over the affair. I now know through reading about infidelity, that affairs do NOT last, and the current OM is just a tool, nothing else.

 

I only feel compassion for my wife now, in that I know she is going to go through a LOT of guilt and hurt down the line, and when she does, I'm going to have worked through my own pain and guilt, and will be in a MUCH better place, knowing that I tried my best and I have a LOT to offer someone else.

 

 

 

PS, Gunny et al, I'm looking for lots of more book recommendations on dealing with the hurt, pain, etc. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

[Gunny376]

I’ve printed out and read (speed-read) most of the 45 articles at DivorceRecovery101. There’s a good article there (they’re all good) about dealing with anger, and one recommended a book on the subject. Trouble is? I can’t recall the specific article. I’ve printed most of them off, and I’ll see if I can’t find it. Meanwhile a quick scan tonight turned up this one about resentment

 

[COLOR=#0000ff]http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/soa40.htm[/COLOR]

 

This next one is a really good one, that I recommend anyone going through a divorce or hard times in their marriage

 

[COLOR=#0000ff]http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/soa3.htm[/COLOR]

 

And this is a good one about why modern day marriages are failing, and those of our grandparents and great grandparents succeeded

 

[COLOR=#0000ff]http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/soa44.htm[/COLOR]

 

A lot of this site deals with "re-programing" your brain housing group, which from the Marines I know for a fact can be done. The site proposes that a lot of what we know and believe is learned ~ and whatever can be learned ~ can be un-learned.

 

A lot of what we think and believe about marriage is dated on a model at least 100 years old, but which doesn’t fit into modern day living in this day and age. In our grandparents (inclusive to great grandparents if that applies to you ~ hence abbreviated GP’s) relationships were 90% functional and 10% emotional. The reverse is true today. Sixty years ago, men and women needed each other just for mere day to day survival. What is all the more, if you lived to be 35 a hundred years ago ~ that was considered old age.

 

The simple fact of the matter is that women don’t need men to put a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, food in their mouths. And with the advent of modern day appliances such as the microwave over, washers & dryers, along with wrinkle free clothing ~ men don’t need women. So the equation has flipped, from 90% functional / 10% emotional to the opposite.

 

Factor in the constant media bombardment about so-called "true love" and Hollyweird’s version of what marriage and relationships are suppose to be like ~ and you’ve got yourself one Hell of a mess.

For those of you with children, I would suggest that the best thing that you can do is to keep the conversation short and to the point and on target. Don’t let the X (some would say Hex) deviate from the essential subjects that need to be discussed. Its essential to your recovery, and moving on with your life.

 

Finally, as I said most of the DivorceRecovery101 site is about getting your head and azz wired back together, and a lot of that has to do with the program that you run through your head each and every day, throughout the day. What you’ve got to do is write your own program. Instead of running the one that’s currently running through your head, you’ve got to write your own. That is to say, as you allow yourself to think, you become. This isn’t BS, it really works, Its very true that we create our own reality by what we permit ourselves to believe and think.

Its been years, and I’ve probally still have the book in one of my boxes (I’ve got A LOT of books ~ reading is one of my past times. I rather read than watch TV) but I would recommend the book "Self Talk" (Sorry, can’t remember the author’s name of the top of my head) that goes into this.

[hurting_in_nw]

So here's another great example of her guilt starting to eat its way to the surface. She emails tonight from work asking if I'll have the boys call her to say goodnight before they go to bed. Now mind you, this woman's been working nights for nearly 3 years now, and I can't recall a single time she's made such a request.

[Gunny376]

So here's another great example of her guilt starting to eat its way to the surface. She emails tonight from work asking if I'll have the boys call her to say goodnight before they go to bed. Now mind you, this woman's been working nights for nearly 3 years now, and I can't recall a single time she's made such a request.

 

Don't buy into her BS!

 

For the children, stay the course!

 

Goggle DivorceRecovery101

[hurting_in_nw]

Don't buy into her BS!

 

For the children, stay the course!

 

Goggle DivorceRecovery101

 

Oh believe me, I'm not. I replied and said I found it interesting that in the last three years she hasn't made that request, and that the tremendous guilt she's feeling over what she's done to them must be starting to surface.

[hurting_in_nw]

At some point she and I will have to work out the custody arrangement for our son. I'm bothered by the fact that she's seeing a married man obviously, but I also am concerned for my son and stepson to be in a potentially dangerous situation, such as, OM's W finds out about the affair and wants to hurt somebody. Is this a legitimate concern as far as courts go?

[hurting_in_nw]

Well she's agreed to my custody demands for our son, which are Sunday afternoon through Friday morning when I drop him off at daycare. She can pick him up Friday and have him Fri/Sat nights, unless she is working those nights, in which case he stays with me. She can also have daytime visits with him during the week if she's not working, as long as he's back at daycare by 5:30 for me to pick him up.

 

I also have a provision in there that he is not to be left in anyone's care until the other parent has met that person, and that person has had a background check conducted. She agreed.

 

It's really quite sad that it's come to this, that I can't even trust her judgment when it comes to our child. But given the fact that someone she's only known for a few weeks, who's married no less, made her feel that it was OK to divorce me with no attempt at fixing things and destroying our family, what choice do I have? This is the most frightening part of all this for me--losing the ability to protect my son. I know she likes to move fast, and if she thinks I'm going to be OK with this guy just moving in and watching my son while she goes to work at night, she's f'ing crazy.

 

Oh, and get this, she says, "I'm sure someday soon you'll meet someone new, and I hope you'll be serious about that person before you introduce her to our son." I responded with, "Someday soon huh? You really have no clue at all what you've done to me, do you?" It's a laugh that she thinks I'll just move on lickety-split after this. Truly an emotionally bankrupt human being.

[Missy27]

Oh believe me, I'm not. I replied and said I found it interesting that in the last three years she hasn't made that request, and that the tremendous guilt she's feeling over what she's done to them must be starting to surface.

 

Try and stay focused on the boundaries that you have set for yourself. YOU told yourself that you were ONLY going to email her about times and dates regarding picking the children up. Try and stick to this. Dont get into emotional babble with her, stay "business llike", "professional", "calm" and most importantly "INDIFFERENT". Dont let her see a pinch of emotion from you at the moment. Throwing things up like that when you replied to her email will give her an opening to start digging into your emotions and pulling on your heart strings again.

 

Just remember, the less you show her of you, the MORE you will see about her, which will work in your favour in the long run

[El-Producto]

 

Oh, and get this, she says, "I'm sure someday soon you'll meet someone new, and I hope you'll be serious about that person before you introduce her to our son." I responded with, "Someday soon huh? You really have no clue at all what you've done to me, do you?" It's a laugh that she thinks I'll just move on lickety-split after this. Truly an emotionally bankrupt human being.

 

My wife is saying the same thing to me right now. Can you say braindead? She says, "you are so attractive, you will have no problem meeting someone who will love you like you deserved to be loved". Yeah, because only 3 weeks ago, I just found out suddenly that my marriage is over because my wife is having sex with another man, who is older than her father. And she is continuing to see the man, and thinks they are going to be together forever, (or at least until he has to go to the nursing home). Yeah, I can get over that pretty quickly I think. Should be ready to move on by next week probably (insert sarcasm).

 

Nuts, just bloody nuts.

[sumdude]

My wife is saying the same thing to me right now. Can you say braindead? She says, "you are so attractive, you will have no problem meeting someone who will love you like you deserved to be loved". Yeah, because only 3 weeks ago, I just found out suddenly that my marriage is over because my wife is having sex with another man, who is older than her father. And she is continuing to see the man, and thinks they are going to be together forever, (or at least until he has to go to the nursing home). Yeah, I can get over that pretty quickly I think. Should be ready to move on by next week probably (insert sarcasm).

 

Nuts, just bloody nuts.

 

Yeo, I heard the same old song too. My STBX is STILL denying there's a relationship. Probably for legal reasons since he has a kid and may not be divorced quite yet though separated.