Is it really over? (VERY long)

[Gunny376]

Upper left hand corner ~ click on "My Profile/CP"

Click on "Edit Options"

Scroll down to Private Messaging

Check ~ "Check Box" titled "Enable Private Messaging"

[hurting_in_nw]

That's the weird part, I don't have a Private Message section in my Edit Options section. I thought you have to get to "Established Member" before you can use private messaging.

[Gunny376]

That's the weird part, I don't have a Private Message section in my Edit Options section. I thought you have to get to "Established Member" before you can use private messaging.

 

 

LOL! My mistake! You're probally right. Well at least when you do, you'll know how to turn it on.

[hurting_in_nw]

I am glad to hear that you are doing this. As I said I can't help but feel that all of this has been so bizarre and out of character that I can only find solace in thinking that it is a result of something bigger than you.

 

Please understand though that as long as this other person is in the picture I will have to continue being distant from you and unable to offer you my help. I know I have said many awful, terrible things to you out of anger, but the root of that anger has been your resistance to looking into the reasons why you have done what you have done. Good luck on your journey.

 

Well, I sent this to her, but said at the end that I don't want a reply. I really can't bear to know either way right now what her plans with the OM are. I just need to keep treating this as if it's over...it's what is best for me.

[whichwayisup]

You need to get active in other area's of LS to boost up your post count and combo that with your time (I think like a month or so) and then your PM options get turned on....

 

I believe she's been depressed for quite some time; I know her self esteem has been very low for a long time despite me showing her and telling her how beautiful she is and how much I loved her (I'd get the standard "You're my husband, you have to say those things" response). The OM has only been in the past couple months...I don't know how long exactly, but she had her 'chance meeting' with him sometime after Valentine's Day.

Translation : It's like a parent, say like your mom, telling you "honey, you're cute and a wonderful person. I love you..." But ofcourse a parent is going to tell their child that, to make them feel better. It does, but it doesn't build up the confidence like getting the attention or being told "YOu're hot" by someone else, other than your spouse. Hope that makes sense. Someone posted a similar answer a long time ago, can't remember who, on another thread.

 

Your wife's thinking and coping skills are off. Her insecurity and self confidence has gone south and for some reason, the high she is getting from the OM is helping her FEEL good about herself. It has nothing to do with you, it's all about her. Selfishly....

 

I read the note you sent her, that's a very honest yet firm letter. It's good you wrote that and I hope it makes sense to her, enough that she will try to work more on herself and get stronger.

[Ladyjane14]

Damn. I wish I'd caught you before you emailed that.

 

I know I have said many awful, terrible things to you out of anger, but the root of that anger has been your resistance to looking into the reasons why you have done what you have done.

 

But just for future reference... try to bear in mind that ANYTHING you put in writing for your estranged wife is liable to be used against you in court at a later date. Try to limit apologies, admissions of culpability, or confessions of sins... to a verbal medium. Know what I mean?

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't share those feelings... just make sure you don't leave evidence she can use against you.

 

:p

[hurting_in_nw]

Damn. I wish I'd caught you before you emailed that.

 

 

 

But just for future reference... try to bear in mind that ANYTHING you put in writing for your estranged wife is liable to be used against you in court at a later date. Try to limit apologies, admissions of culpability, or confessions of sins... to a verbal medium. Know what I mean?

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't share those feelings... just make sure you don't leave evidence she can use against you.

 

:p

 

Understood.

[Gunny376]

Damn. I wish I'd caught you before you emailed that.

 

 

 

But just for future reference... try to bear in mind that ANYTHING you put in writing for your estranged wife is liable to be used against you in court at a later date. Try to limit apologies, admissions of culpability, or confessions of sins... to a verbal medium. Know what I mean?

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't share those feelings... just make sure you don't leave evidence she can use against you.

 

:p

 

BINGO! THAT'S A GOODIE! BULLSEYE! Spittin' some "Redbull" (Just kidding ~ I don't chew nor dip snuff ~ tried it ~ gag me with a spoon!)

[hurting_in_nw]

Hahaha learned a nice little tidbit, or should I say uncovered another lie this morning. OM has a TEENAGE daughter.

[Sup]

Have you thought about contacting OM's wife?

[hurting_in_nw]

Have you thought about contacting OM's wife?

 

Sure I've thought about it. But honestly I don't want to do anything right now that may jeopardize the custody/divorce agreement. Also, I don't have any hope for reconciliation anymore, so what would the point be anyway? She'll figure it all out the hard way I guess.

 

Also, I have no idea who he is, and I'm too busy moving on with my own life to follow her around and find out who he is. If he plans to stick around, he'll have to meet me anyway because of the custody agreement we have;)

[Gunny376]

Sure I've thought about it. But honestly I don't want to do anything right now that may jeopardize the custody/divorce agreement. Also, I don't have any hope for reconciliation anymore, so what would the point be anyway? She'll figure it all out the hard way I guess.

 

Also, I have no idea who he is, and I'm too busy moving on with my own life to follow her around and find out who he is. If he plans to stick around, he'll have to meet me anyway because of the custody agreement we have

 

 

OoooooRaaaaahhhhh!

 

Ain't you !

 

Get busy living or get busy dying!

[sumdude]

Sure I've thought about it. But honestly I don't want to do anything right now that may jeopardize the custody/divorce agreement. Also, I don't have any hope for reconciliation anymore, so what would the point be anyway? She'll figure it all out the hard way I guess.

 

Also, I have no idea who he is, and I'm too busy moving on with my own life to follow her around and find out who he is. If he plans to stick around, he'll have to meet me anyway because of the custody agreement we have;)

 

DING DING DING DING! Give that man his prize! It doesn't matter what she's doing, who's she's seeing whatever. Playing divorce CSI only drives ya nuts. Believe me, I did it for the first 6 weeks and it was a total waste of my time and energy because it wasn't going to change a single thing. Only thing that matters is what you're doing!

 

You da man!

[hurting_in_nw]

Thanks guys. I needed some support this morning...it was a rough night; lots of dreams about her and OM (who of course is different in every dream), and a lot of sadness...gonna hit the gym in a bit and hopefully get it all out.

[sumdude]

Thanks guys. I needed some support this morning...it was a rough night; lots of dreams about her and OM (who of course is different in every dream), and a lot of sadness...gonna hit the gym in a bit and hopefully get it all out.

 

You're doing great. I know how much folks here helped me so I want to be there for others. Remember it's also OK to feel bad and be sure to let those feelings out to. Man ta man, it's OK and good to cry your eyes out when you need to if that's your way. Take an entire weekend alone and grieve for what was and is gone. It will help you move on that much faster. Your mind and soul use tears to purge and renew.

[Sup]

Sure I've thought about it. But honestly I don't want to do anything right now that may jeopardize the custody/divorce agreement. Also, I don't have any hope for reconciliation anymore, so what would the point be anyway? She'll figure it all out the hard way I guess.

 

Also, I have no idea who he is, and I'm too busy moving on with my own life to follow her around and find out who he is. If he plans to stick around, he'll have to meet me anyway because of the custody agreement we have;)

 

 

I see..... However, I don't see ANY reason why you can't drop the bomb, so to speak, AFTER everything is final! You'll get to meet Mr. Wonderful for sure! Then Mr. Wonderful can meet Mr. Reality!

 

Please don't get me wrong, move on by all means! I'm just stating for the record, when the opertunity arises, that you, well, take control! By then the Divorce is final, you've moved on, and Mr. Wonderful can take care of his self, if you know what I mean. And I'm not talking about revenge either, you have to take care of one mess at a time(yours). Then, you can discover to OM's wife over the phone or something, what's been going on.(his)

[Missy27]

Thanks guys. I needed some support this morning...it was a rough night; lots of dreams about her and OM (who of course is different in every dream), and a lot of sadness...gonna hit the gym in a bit and hopefully get it all out.

 

You're doing exceptionally well HN. I can't believe how well you are actually handling this, especially since it's not been that long since she dropped her bombshell. Keep your chin up, remember you are now living for YOU primarily

 

You are doing everything right as far as I can see. You keep contact to a minimum, and you seem to be concentrating on keeping yourself busy and active.

 

You are going to have ALOT of low points throughout this and all I can say is that in time it DOES get better. Keep on taking it day by day, take the rough with the smooth and eventually life will even itself out for you. Just remember, YOU are in control of you and you deserve to be happy

[hurting_in_nw]

You're doing exceptionally well HN. I can't believe how well you are actually handling this, especially since it's not been that long since she dropped her bombshell. Keep your chin up, remember you are now living for YOU primarily

 

You are doing everything right as far as I can see. You keep contact to a minimum, and you seem to be concentrating on keeping yourself busy and active.

 

You are going to have ALOT of low points throughout this and all I can say is that in time it DOES get better. Keep on taking it day by day, take the rough with the smooth and eventually life will even itself out for you. Just remember, YOU are in control of you and you deserve to be happy

 

Thank you Missy! I think I'm coming out of the whole 'shock' phase and with that comes points of sadness, but then I just think about what she's done and I think, "I'm better off without her."

 

When it comes down to it, I gave her several opportunities along the way to make things different (even if they didn't work out), and that she turned them down every time. Now, there are no more of those opportunities. I feel good this morning. I want to get the custody and divorce papers signed and notarized this week. I have no desire to be married to this person anymore, and would like to start having my son more often as the custody agreement states.

[hurting_in_nw]

Well, I think I just took a big step in my own recovery from this by offering her my forgiveness. I did it in a long email, after I had asked what the progress was on the divorce paperwork and her reply said "I want this done as soon as possible." Felt to me like more salt being poured in my wounds.

 

I sent her a long email, which I won't post here, but I basically started out by saying I didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive her. As I wrote though, it really dawned on me what a sad, sad person she is and by the middle of it, I told her I forgave her. There were lots of reasons I gave, but the main one is that I forgive her because I am a better person.

 

I also told her that i knew the day would come when she found herself lower than she's ever been, and in that moment she would look to me. And I didn't want her to go through that moment knowing that I continued to carry hatred in my heart toward her. I said that that might be the thing that pushed her over the edge.

 

I told her just how much I loved her during our relationship, and reminded her of all the good things I did and the man that I am. I told her that she was lucky to have found someone like me, and that she will most likely never find someone who loved her the way I did. I wasn't spiteful or angry, just honest.

 

I told her that even though she has my forgiveness, she also has my pity for the person she is today. And that although she has my forgiveness, until the day comes that she shows true remorse for what she's done, and that she's taken the hard road we must all face in life to discover who we truly are, she will never have the honor of having me in her life.

 

I feel free.

[whichwayisup]

Good for you! That was some great stuff you put in your letter to her.

[hurting_in_nw]

And actually, I just read it out loud to her in her car. I thought that was more appropriate than her reading it in an email. She's really pathetic...totally convinced this is the guy she is meant to be with, and that this will all be worth it. Pitiful. I have nothing left but pity for her.

[Gunny376]

Awesome,.........................but the reason that you need to forgive her is for your own personal healing, recovery, growth, and so that you can move on and forward.

 

You still see her at the "gril that once was" but that woman is gone now. She's in an "altered state of reality" from who she once was. She was intially attracted to the guy, and then became infatuated with him ~ and she's mistaking this as "true love" It wears off, and it doesn't last.

 

She's drawing off of him, what she wasn't getting from you (because you either (A) couldn't or (B) didn't know how or that you even needed to give it to her ~ usually some kind of emotional need that she's lacking within herself.

 

And, you're absolutely correct. She'll crash and burn because she's in effect trying to run away not just from you, but herself, and she's not done the hard work of "finding herself" and becoming whole and complete as an adult.

 

In time she's going to find out that there's no such thing a "Prince Charming" and that this guy belches, farts, scratches his ass, has moods, a temper, is inpatient, just like any other guy. There's isn't anything such as "the one"

 

True love can be obtained one way and one way only ~ hard work, commitment, dedication, communiction.

[El-Producto]

hnw.. keep it up man. You and I are going through such similar situations it's uncanny. I can't WAIT until this is all over. I thought the affair and breakup was bad, but now the divorce. I'll be lucky if I make it through, but when I do.. man look out life.

 

Stay Strong

[elle99]

I have also similar situation. In fact, my husband can't decide what he wants: stay with me and our children or leave with his girlfriend. He's depression is awfull and finally we agreed that he needs professional help.

I'm seeeing a therapist since January and I'm much better now. After all,

I'd like to help him to find a way to be happy, as his best friend. Problem is that he's not sure about his definition of happines.

Please excuse my english, I'm far away from you.

[hurting_in_nw]

Ugh, did something stupid this morning....went into her email account and found some stuff she'd sent to OM...I guess even though it was hard to read, and I stopped myself before I read too much, it's made me realize that she really is gone...so in some ways it was a good thing I guess.

 

So let me ask, does 'forgiving' her mean I have to be nice to her? Be her friend? Where do i go from here? I feel as if I just want to keep her as far away from me as possible....email only contact, see her as little as possible. Is that OK given the fact that I offered her 'forigiveness' for her actions? And Gunny, I absolutely did it for me, not her.