Is it really over? (VERY long)

[Gunny376]

The last thing that you need to do is to get involved with this woman or anyone else. As a hard rule I won't date anyone who's "separated" or whose been divorced less than a year (preferably two).

 

There are just to many mental, emotional, psychological, booby-traps that you never see coming. With rare exception, it takes a minimum of one year after the ink is dried on the papers before you should even think about getting in a relationship.

 

Relationships are often easy to get into ~ but can be hard to maintain and oftentimes difficult to get out of.

 

Down here in the South ~ messing with another man's wife can get you killed.

 

I know of one incident, where a fellow dialed 911 and told the operator that he needed the rescue squad out at McDonald's. When the operator asked what was the nature of the emergency ~ was someone sick, had there been an accident?

 

"Naw, naw! Nothing like that! I've been running around with this old boy's wife, and he's done run up on me out here at McDonald's! He's holding a gun on me, and says he's going to shoot me, but before he does, he said he'd give me a "sportin’ chance" and let me call 911 first!"

 

Sure as Hell ~ he shot him ~ three times, Dude lived. But, I bet the next time he's tempted to cheat with some married gal ~ he'll pass on it!

 

Even if you did tell her ~ she'd play it off as if she didn't know what you were talking about it ~ hate to say it but she could be flirting with you just to keep her skills honed. A lot of women do that (and men as well).

 

To many women (immature ones) getting a man to become emotionally attached is the female equivalent of "scoring" And, once they've done so, they no longer have a use for you. It fulfills an emotional need, that they've still "got it"

 

You're very much emotionally vulnerable right now, and will be for some time. You're so angry ~ because as man that's the one emotion that your comfortable with expressing.

 

A lot of your emotional needs as a man ~ Hell as human being are no longer being meet ~ you're going through relationship withdrawal. You're source has cut you off, and your brain is looking for another one.

 

If you try and short-cut your recovery ~ you can get stuck in any one of the stages of your recovery, and I mean for years and years ~ if not the rest of your lifetime. Queen Elizabeth the First ~ got caught up in grieving over the lost of Prince Albert for thirty years!

 

 

The simple fact of the matter is, you can do this the hard way ~ your way, or you can do this the easy way. The easy way is to do the hard work necessary to find out who and what the **** you are and all about. The easy way is to explore and discover what marriage really is, and what being a man is all about. The easy way is to let go of the fallacies and myths about what marriage is all about. The easy way is learn what is truly necessary to make a marriage work.

 

I didn't say it was the quickest way ~ and I'm not saying that the easy way isn't hard ~ it is.

 

Right know your mind is caught up in an un-reconcilable logic matrix. Your caught up in "analysis to the point of paralysis. "

 

Seventeen years ago ~ I was you!

[Missy27]

The last thing that you need to do is to get involved with this woman or anyone else. As a hard rule I won't date anyone who's "separated" or whose been divorced less than a year (preferably two).

 

There are just to many mental, emotional, psychological, booby-traps that you never see coming. With rare exception, it takes a minimum of one year after the ink is dried on the papers before you should even think about getting in a relationship.

 

Relationships are often easy to get into ~ but can be hard to maintain and oftentimes difficult to get out of.

 

Down here in the South ~ messing with another man's wife can get you killed.

 

I know of one incident, where a fellow dialed 911 and told the operator that he needed the rescue squad out at McDonald's. When the operator asked what was the nature of the emergency ~ was someone sick, had there been an accident?

 

"Naw, naw! Nothing like that! I've been running around with this old boy's wife, and he's done run up on me out here at McDonald's! He's holding a gun on me, and says he's going to shoot me, but before he does, he said he'd give me a "sportin’ chance" and let me call 911 first!"

 

Sure as Hell ~ he shot him ~ three times, Dude lived. But, I bet the next time he's tempted to cheat with some married gal ~ he'll pass on it!

 

Even if you did tell her ~ she'd play it off as if she didn't know what you were talking about it ~ hate to say it but she could be flirting with you just to keep her skills honed. A lot of women do that (and men as well).

 

To many women (immature ones) getting a man to become emotionally attached is the female equivalent of "scoring" And, once they've done so, they no longer have a use for you. It fulfills an emotional need, that they've still "got it"

 

You're very much emotionally vulnerable right now, and will be for some time. You're so angry ~ because as man that's the one emotion that your comfortable with expressing.

 

A lot of your emotional needs as a man ~ Hell as human being are no longer being meet ~ you're going through relationship withdrawal. You're source has cut you off, and your brain is looking for another one.

 

If you try and short-cut your recovery ~ you can get stuck in any one of the stages of your recovery, and I mean for years and years ~ if not the rest of your lifetime. Queen Elizabeth the First ~ got caught up in grieving over the lost of Prince Albert for thirty years!

 

 

The simple fact of the matter is, you can do this the hard way ~ your way, or you can do this the easy way. The easy way is to do the hard work necessary to find out who and what the **** you are and all about. The easy way is to explore and discover what marriage really is, and what being a man is all about. The easy way is to let go of the fallacies and myths about what marriage is all about. The easy way is learn what is truly necessary to make a marriage work.

 

I didn't say it was the quickest way ~ and I'm not saying that the easy way isn't hard ~ it is.

 

Right know your mind is caught up in an un-reconcilable logic matrix. Your caught up in "analysis to the point of paralysis. "

 

Seventeen years ago ~ I was you!

 

 

Awesome post Gunny. You pretty much hit it on the head with that one

[hurting_in_nw]

Believe me, I'm by no means looking for a relationship, and were one to even present itself, I can't see myself going for it. When I was single, before I met my STBXW, those were some of the best times. I loved being single, not necessarily for the women, but for the freedom it gave me to do whatever I wanted.

 

A funny aside--one of the last times I spoke with my STBXW, I said to her, "You know, you've been in constant relationships since you were 17 years old...11 years straight now, and you've just jumped from this one right into another one. Why don't you try being single for a while? Get to know yourself. Maybe then you'd realize that the infatuation you feel that you mistake for love so quickly isn't really that."

 

Then I said, "You know, one thing that's helping me get through this is that I know when I come out on the other side, I'll be single again! And being single was one of the best times of my life." At that point, she got kinda pissy, and said, "Well it's nice to know you'll be so happy being single." WTF?? As if I had a choice in the friggin' matter!

 

The thing with this other girl made me realize another pitfall that I should expect coming out of a divorce and meeting new people...comparing them to STBXW. You see, my immediate reaction to this girl's attention was, "She's going to do the same thing that STBXW did." I talked to my friend a little more about her, and let him know my concerns, and he told me that she's really nothing like my STBXW emotionally, and that she really isn't the type to do something like that. He told me not to get too far ahead of myself and see things that aren't really there.

 

At the end of the day it all shows that I'm indeed nowhere near ready for a relationship, and as I said I wouldn't take an opportunity if one did present itself anyway.

[mammax3]

Wow Gunny. You really need to talk to my WS. And he needs to move south for a while! Meet a gun toting friend who'll give him a chance.

 

It is hard not to get involved too early, especially when you are feeling so vulnerable and emotionally needy. And it's good to know that you need the time to heal and get yourself together. She probably wont be the last one that makes you feel like you would want to get toknow her.

[ilmw]

 

It is hard not to get involved too early, especially when you are feeling so vulnerable and emotionally needy. And it's good to know that you need the time to heal and get yourself together. She probably wont be the last one that makes you feel like you would want to get toknow her.

 

I hear what you are saying..

 

BUT.... The discipline... you obtain... the satisfaction in knowing.. I DO NOT NEED SOMEONE ELSE IN MY LIFE. It gets you into a certain state of mind... of feeling independent... and knowing what and who you are.

 

Staying away from relationships... after LTRs and marriages end... is paramount. I mean "falling in love.. and rushing in" Like the old song "only fools rush in" You do and are not giving yourself time.. to have healed and figure out yourself. Not knowing these things.. I believe will doom you to facing the same hurt and confusing in the future.

 

I am seeing someone now... My wife left me emotionally over a year ago... we physically separated in August. I have not been on one date.. until this past weekend.. I am not rushing this... I know it would be fatal.. and it... would.. not feel right. She is a really nice lady.. (Kinda what Gunny would describe of what he would be looking for...... got her own car.. her own mortgage.. has a good 'government job' and works part time as a server in a restaurant to help put her son through college.

 

Anyway... I feel.. calm. I am not all heady... and feeling crazy.. She is not the answer to all my dreams.. she is not the one (I only just met her)

 

I gave my self the time.. to figure me out... and heal.. Also.. I needed to have some closure from... my marriage.

 

I am not 100% there... but getting closer... I do know though.. that my baggage if any from my marriage will be more like a small carry on bag for an airplane.. than the tractor trailer load I brought from my last LTR... I let myself heal somewhat....this time

 

This is the KEY... taking the time... being single.. alone.. it is a great time... to be you... reconnect with you. Learn what you like again. Yes it can get lonely... but it is necessary.

 

ilmw

[hurting_in_nw]

I totally understand ilmw, and I will spend time reconnecting with myself. I spent time alone in my 20s and did learn who I was and was happy alone, and I know I will get back there again. My STBXW, on the other hand, has been in constant relationships since she was 17...11 years now, and has jumped out of one right into what she believes to be another one. With that pattern, she'll never figure out who the hell she is.

[ilmw]

I totally understand ilmw, and I will spend time reconnecting with myself. I spent time alone in my 20s and did learn who I was and was happy alone, and I know I will get back there again. My STBXW, on the other hand, has been in constant relationships since she was 17...11 years now, and has jumped out of one right into what she believes to be another one. With that pattern, she'll never figure out who the hell she is.

 

...good then you are ahead of the game...

 

Thing I have found that helped me was... I steered away from booze.. and when I did drink.. I was around good friends who had my back... Those would have been the times when my resolve would have faltered. I might have made mistakes... I was just hanging out with friends... without the pressure of picking up... or even bothering to look. I remember before DW and I got together... I was always on the prowl... I felt I needed to get a girlfriend... Now.. I don't really care.... I kind of like being alone. kinda like getting attention from different woman... and not caring.

 

Its all good....

[azianpride143]

Damn those were some nice posts. So the goal is heal first, discover yourself, and then relationships come naturally. Wow I like that.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

I totally understand ilmw, and I will spend time reconnecting with myself. I spent time alone in my 20s and did learn who I was and was happy alone, and I know I will get back there again. My STBXW, on the other hand, has been in constant relationships since she was 17...11 years now, and has jumped out of one right into what she believes to be another one. With that pattern, she'll never figure out who the hell she is.

 

 

That's what I had been doing. I haven't been w/o a GF of any sort since I was in 8th grade. The longest I've ever been single outside of the last 4 months since my split (I did party and I did sleep around against my therapist's advice but I learned my lesson as that behavior only left me feeling hollow and empty), hasn't been any longer than a few weeks. In a way I should be grateful otherwise who knows how long I would have gone on w/o finding out who I was and what I'm truly made of.

[Gunny376]

...good then you are ahead of the game...

 

Thing I have found that helped me was... I steered away from booze.. and when I did drink.. I was around good friends who had my back... Those would have been the times when my resolve would have faltered. I might have made mistakes... I was just hanging out with friends... without the pressure of picking up... or even bothering to look. I remember before DW and I got together... I was always on the prowl... I felt I needed to get a girlfriend... Now.. I don't really care.... I kind of like being alone. kinda like getting attention from different woman... and not caring.

 

Its all good....

 

First off~ OooooooRaaaaaharrrhhh!

 

Second ~Damnned right! Get some!

 

Third walk up to thirty women straight in a row and ask, just ask, (don't flirt, don't try to impress ~ just ask for their phone number ~ and be amazed!

[Missy27]

I totally understand ilmw, and I will spend time reconnecting with myself. I spent time alone in my 20s and did learn who I was and was happy alone, and I know I will get back there again. My STBXW, on the other hand, has been in constant relationships since she was 17...11 years now, and has jumped out of one right into what she believes to be another one. With that pattern, she'll never figure out who the hell she is.

 

And this is where she will eventually come unstuck. I know a few women like that. One of my best friends met her Ex husband when she was 17, was pregnant by the time she was 18, pregnant again by the time she was 19 and married by the time she was 22. She divorced him after 13 years together. Her reasoning for divorce? She wasn't happy with her life with him anymore, and the old "LYBNILWY" line.

 

She left him and moved STRAIGHT in with another guy. They have been together for 2 years and she is now pregnant with THEIR 2nd child. She'll now have 4 kids, by two different fathers, have been married, divorced and looking like she's gonna be married again, all by the age of 31

 

Now don't get me wrong, if this is what floats your boat then so be it. But at the end of the day, the way I see it, she divorced her ex (who incidentally is a really decent, honest, hardworking and sexy guy), saying she wasn't happy with her life anymore, but has gone on to someone else and done exactly the same thing all over again - 2 kids, marriage etc. What's even funnier is that the first flat that her and her new man moved into together was the same one as her and her ex had first bought when they were first together, EVEN funnier, their new house is 2 doors up from her and her ex hubbies old house, the one which they had to sell when they got divorced?????? And THATS moving on????

 

I am 29 years old this year. I have had 2 serious relationships in my life, one that lasted 5 years and my current relationship which is nearly two years old, I've never been married, never been pregnant and to be honest I am DAMN proud of that fact. I am happy with myself, and what I am doing and where I want to go. Yes I want to get married one day and yes I want to have chidlren one day, but you know what? When I say "for richer for poorer" I want to MEAN it and Hopefully I'm only EVER going to say "I Do" once. I know that sometimes circumstances beyond our control dictate the end of marriages, but like my friend, she's not REALLY happy with her life because she has no idea who she is.

 

HN - You are in another STRONG position now. Probably one of the strongest positions you've been in since before you first met your STBXW. You are still young enough to get out there and re-discover what you are all about. Find out where you want to go, what you want to do and who you want to be with. In the midst of all of this hurt and anguish and trauma, I would find that prospect quite exciting..You?

[ilmw]

Damn those were some nice posts. So the goal is heal first, discover yourself, and then relationships come naturally. Wow I like that.

 

... Yup its true... its true..

Here is the thing... I am kinda seeing this gal... Nothing serious.. just having some laughs.... but in the past week or so... I have really noticed... well attention from woman...

 

Why is it... woman are attracted to men... who.. are or are potentially taken... is it the challenge... or because... if some other woman.. wants him... he must be worth having.

 

This is a funny 'ol' game of life we live eh?

 

The beauty of getting your sh*t together.. is that.. you are not concerned if anyone wants you... because you make your own happiness. You don't seek it from others. Yes it is really nice warm and fuzzy to have someone like/love/admire you......BUT... you should be in a place... where it is a nice to have ... and not a NEED to have.

 

Shakespear said it best:

 

[FONT=Courier,sans-serif]Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!

The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,

And you are stay'd for.

There ... my blessing with thee!

And these few precepts in thy memory

Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,

Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,

Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;

But do not dull thy palm with entertainment

Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware

Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,

Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;

Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.

Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,

But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;

For the apparel oft proclaims the man;

And they in France of the best rank and station

Are of a most select and generous chief in that.

Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

 

God.. I love that cr*p!

 

Lose the need... be good with the want. When I finally got this around my head. I felt free, as I have never felt before. To have some form of internal peace.. is... well peaceful

 

If you are not anywhere near this.. stay away from the other side..(men/women)

 

You are worth.. doing this.. because if you have not built up the internal fortitude... you are going to get burned again and again. Lose the rosy glasses... and see everthing in the light of day. You make better decisions.. and will A) not hurt yourself B) not hurt someone else

 

ilmw

[/FONT]

[sumdude]

... Yup its true... its true..

Here is the thing... I am kinda seeing this gal... Nothing serious.. just having some laughs.... but in the past week or so... I have really noticed... well attention from woman...

 

Why is it... woman are attracted to men... who.. are or are potentially taken... is it the challenge... or because... if some other woman.. wants him... he must be worth having.

 

This is a funny 'ol' game of life we live eh?

 

ilmw

[/FONT]

 

LOL ain't that the truth! I don't know if it's pheremones or just that a man probably carries himself differently when he's got a gal that they notice on an instinctual level.

[hurting_in_nw]

So yesterday I was heading over to a friend's house to do some BBQing, and I saw this gorgeous Camaro parked in an empty lot with a sign on it. I figured it was a 98 or so, because it was in immaculate condition. I pulled over to take a look...turns out it's actually a 95 that has been extremely well cared for. I remembered how much I used to want a Camaro, from the time I was about 12 years old or so. Anyway, I went and took it for a test drive today, and it runs as sweet as it looks...3.8 liter V6 engine, just over 100k miles, new water pump, alloy wheels...I think I'll be owning this baby in the next couple of days. I'll post some pics once it's mine. Oh yeah, the price is right to at 4 grand! It's time I do something for me, and it's not like it's going to put me in the poor house or anything, so why the hell not??

[hurting_in_nw]

Made an offer on the Camaro and the guy accepted! w00t!!

 

However, I realized that unfortunately, I need to get new car insurance...a detail I had overlooked in all the confusion. Actually, because we are separated, for over a month now, we may have actually violated our policy. I emailed her since the policy is in her name to get it all figured out. Of course I didn't mention my purchase though...no point really as it's none of her f'ing business how I spend my $$

[Darth Vader]

Made an offer on the Camaro and the guy accepted! w00t!!

 

However, I realized that unfortunately, I need to get new car insurance...a detail I had overlooked in all the confusion. Actually, because we are separated, for over a month now, we may have actually violated our policy. I emailed her since the policy is in her name to get it all figured out. Of course I didn't mention my purchase though...no point really as it's none of her f'ing business how I spend my $$

 

 

Ok, I'll say it since Gunny's not here yet......

 

Hoooorrraahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yeah, I think it goes something like that, anyway, make sure that you get coverage quick, an go for a nice cruise!

[hurting_in_nw]

OMG, I'm so happy I got this car. It's just friggin' awesome...like a dream come true for me!

 

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

I ran over my neighbors

BITCHIN CAMARAO, BITCHIN CAMARO

Now it's in all the papers.

My folks bought me a BITCHIN CAMARO with no insurance to match;

So if I happen to run you down, please don't leave a scratch.

I ran over some old lady one night at the county fair;

And I didn't get arrested, because my dad's the mayor.

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

Doughnuts on your lawn

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

Tony Orlando and Dawn

When I drive past the kids, they all spit and cuss,

Because I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO and they have to ride the bus.

So you'd better get out of my way, when I run through your yard;

Because I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO;

And an Exxon credit card.

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

Hey, man where ya headed?

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

I drive on unleaded.

[hurting_in_nw]

OMG, I'm so happy I got this car. It's just friggin' awesome...like a dream come true for me!

 

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

I ran over my neighbors

BITCHIN CAMARAO, BITCHIN CAMARO

Now it's in all the papers.

My folks bought me a BITCHIN CAMARO with no insurance to match;

So if I happen to run you down, please don't leave a scratch.

I ran over some old lady one night at the county fair;

And I didn't get arrested, because my dad's the mayor.

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

Doughnuts on your lawn

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

Tony Orlando and Dawn

When I drive past the kids, they all spit and cuss,

Because I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO and they have to ride the bus.

So you'd better get out of my way, when I run through your yard;

Because I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO;

And an Exxon credit card.

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

Hey, man where ya headed?

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO

I'm drunk on unleaded.

[hurting_in_nw]

D'oh...triple post...

[hurting_in_nw]

Just wanted to check in with y'all and say LIFE IS GOOD! I'm having a great time bonding with my stepson's dad...we're brothers-in-arms:D My dad is coming up for an extended visit in 10 days. The Camaro is friggin' awesome. I'm feeling good and getting better everyday without this woman in my life. The divorce papers should get filed this week, and I'll hear back on my home loan as well.

[Ladyjane14]

Just wanted to check in with y'all and say LIFE IS GOOD! I'm having a great time bonding with my stepson's dad...we're brothers-in-arms:D

 

Actually, that's not as weird as you might think.

 

My Dad and former step-Dad are really tight. My step-Dad, an honorable guy, didn't meet my mother until quite a few years after she divorced my father... so there was no 'hanky-panky' to come between them.

 

These days, they're thick as thieves. All the old bullsh*t has disappeared into history, and even though they still tell jokes to tweak Mom's nose, whatever hard-feelings they might have had in the past are far behind them. So, they ALL THREE get along fine together. Mind-boggling, I know!

 

All that said, I do have to admit my wedding was... ummm... interesting. Mom had two ex-husbands and a boyfriend in tow.

[Gunny376]

I'm concerned that you're subing' and re-chanelling your emotions,................from the STBXW to the Car, etc. That's all right in so long as your aware of it. Just be conscious and aware of it all ~ that's all that I'm saying.

 

Hate to be the guy that burst your bubble ~ but the car to have is a 69' Pontiac (back when a Pontiac was a Pontiac and not a thinnly disguised Camero) Firebired convertable with a 400 cu in engine and a four barrel. That SOB wouldn't do nothing but scat! The speedometer went up to 160 mph, but the fastest I ever got her up to was 130 without a roll bar ~ nuthing but me a four lane and air.

 

I bought her right out boot camp for a mere $500 back in 75'. Restored her to within 90%, new engine, tranny, carpet, seat, roof, paint etc. Sold her for 5K cash because I had just gotten married. Stupidist thing I've ever done.

 

Now that I'm back out here single ~ you can bet your sweet azz I'll be getting me another one.

 

Other sweet cars:

 

66-72 Pontiac GTO "The Judge"

64 Ford Falcon

57 Chevy Bel Air

66 Checy Impala

[Gunny376]

Actually, that's not as weird as you might think.

 

My Dad and former step-Dad are really tight. My step-Dad, an honorable guy, didn't meet my mother until quite a few years after she divorced my father... so there was no 'hanky-panky' to come between them.

 

These days, they're thick as thieves. All the old bullsh*t has disappeared into history, and even though they still tell jokes to tweak Mom's nose, whatever hard-feelings they might have had in the past are far behind them. So, they ALL THREE get along fine together. Mind-boggling, I know!

 

All that said, I do have to admit my wedding was... ummm... interesting. Mom had two ex-husbands and a boyfriend in tow.

 

I called DH No#1 when I went through the Big D, and told him ~ "Man!!!! I just didn't know!" I was Sucker No. #2, she's married to DH No. #3 now.

 

My children tell me ~ not knowingly ~ about some of the BS scams she's pulling on him ~ and he's just dumb enough to fall for it. She's one of those types that its never her fault, and the World is plotting against her and has it out for her type.

 

I could care less about her, and who she's scroggin! The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that when she I went through the divorce, I was still in the Marine Corps. I had four years left to make my twenty and retirement. I'd been a damn fool not to have done my last four years and draw my retirement.

 

The XW and her lawyer tried to pull some cheap **** on me, saying that she would wavier any rights to my retierment if I rolled over and gave her everything worth stealing from 12 years of marriage.

 

What? A living room suite, a couple of bed room suites, etc vs a lifetime pension worth half a million, plus medical and dental benefits? You can bet your sweet ever loving azzz! But I knew it was BS, because under Alabama law at the time she didn't have any rights to it.

 

What hurt me the most? I got to Camp Lejeune and I wouldn't get back from one deployment and the SOB's would send me on another. Rwanda, Haiti, Cuba, Nicaragia, the Dommician Republic, Hurricane Andrew Relief, etc.

 

My children at the time were DS6 and DD10. The EX didn't want to be rid of me as her husband, she wanted to replace me as their father? And the Marine Corps helped her out with doing that. I sent cards, letters, phone calls, did all I could ~ but they call XW's DH No. #3 "Daddy" and my grandson calls him "Granddaddy"

 

What really pisses me off? The SOB gave up not only custody of his only son, but his parential rights so he wouldn't have to pay child support ~ to his only child and son! Why? Because the XW told him, (he had custody of him since he was born, and packed him off to his mother when he was four) "You need to send him to his Mother, so he can give him the "motherly love" that he deserves, I can't give it to him!"

 

This from the woman I took in with a six year old daughter from another marriage?

 

Sorry to steal you thread, but I needed to rant!

 

LJ, and others I'd like your views on this!

 

PS. I deployed more my last four years than all the other sixteen years coimbined. I had a two day turn-around from one deployment to the next. It was because a Marine Brig. Gen said "Where I go ~ you go!"

I screwed up! I did a good job for him out the chute!

[Ladyjane14]

I sent cards, letters, phone calls, did all I could ~ but they call XW's DH No. #3 "Daddy" and my grandson calls him "Granddaddy"

 

Well, that's the difference between you and alot of other guys, then. I know a guy right now who CHEATED on his wife... then got all pissed off because she divorced him and subsequently left his kids. He moved out of state for nearly a year, just to lick his wounds.

 

Now that he's back, he can't understand why his teen-aged children aren't calling him on the phone and wanting to spend time with him.

 

Sometimes, as in the case of your ex's third husband, it really does seem like a father will emotionally abandon his own biological children in order to raise someone else's. I don't think it's deliberate in most cases though.

 

There is usually division between parent and child during the teen years. This is natural, albeit emotionally difficult, as the child pulls away and begins to assert autonomy. In a divorce scenario, it seems a common misconception that one parent turns the kids away from the other. But I don't think that's what's going on most of the time. I think alot of it is simple rebellion from older kids coupled with parenting mistakes.

 

For example, my step-Dad's only child so resented him for remarrying... as a teen, she moved in with her grandmother. His mistake of course, is that he didn't INSIST on healing the breach between them. He let her go. I and my siblings oh the other hand, who benefited from his care, thought the world of him and still do. He was, in many ways, a better father to us than he was to her.

 

My own father, upon remarriage and wanting to be a "father" to his step-children, didn't INSIST on healing the breach with his kids either. In resentment of my mother and in despair of emotionally reconnecting with us, he too let his biological children go... and became a better father to his step-children than he was to his own.

 

I dunno. The assumption that 'Mom is poisoning the kids against him' stops too many divorced Dads from following through and correcting problems that they'd have NEVER tolerated from a kid if the family dynamic would've survived. I've seen it again,and again, and again... a divorced dad sitting by the phone, waiting for teen-aged children to call HIM. I hope he's not holding his breath is all I can say!

 

Hey... teens might be BIG kids, but they're kids still. And they don't have the tools grown-ups do. To be honest, they're a real "mess 'o work" even if your marriage is intact.

You have to chase them down and fill their ears to overflowing if you expect ANYTHING to stick with them.

 

Anyway, I think once a kid grows up and once s/he does have the tools, it's easy to realize that adults are only just people... and parents are as fallible as anyone else. Mistakes are usually forgiven in adulthood, at least for those whose hearts were in the right place... and peace reigns once more.

[smugsy]

I think my husband could have almost written this post. I am so sorry it ended this way.