Is it really over? (VERY long)

[Sup]

Getting outta DODGE! CHECK! Well, that's a very GOOD start, just make sure that you can still go if your friend decides not to go for some reason.

[quiet1one1]

That's what the beer-goggles are for, man. :p

 

HA HA HA !!!! Too much!

 

A perfect example of why I visit this site every darned day.

[hurting_in_nw]

So, I'm beginning to feel that staying in this area just isn't going to be possible for me. This woman lacks any empathy for what she's putting me through, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and watch her continue this relationship with this other guy.

 

I asked her today if she would resist if I opted to move somewhere else and take our son with me. She would still get visitation rights, but they would be longer periods, fewer times during the year. She said that she wants to do what's best for our son, which is to see both parents as frequently as possible. The thing is, I won't be the best dad I can be living in this town and thinking about what she's done to me. Not to mention, I don't feel she's the best example to be teaching our son the things that I want him to hold dearly--loyalty, honor, respect, etc.

 

She said that she will cross that bridge when we come to it, but that she would like to be 'emotionally prepared' if it's going to happen soon. I told her that it likely won't be in the next couple of months, but that she should start preparing for it. I don't think she'll take it to court, but if she does, I think I have a strong enough case to warrant having custody of him. In the eyes of the law, I have been his primary caregiver now for nearly the past three years while she's been working nights, and I also can bring up her infidelity and her utter selfishness in how she chose to end our marriage, with wanton disregard for the well-being of the children. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if it does I will lawyer up and be prepared. I also have a trump card I could play that could damage her career greatly as well. Bottom line is I need to get on with my life, and it just ain't gonna happen soon enough if I stay here.

[El-Producto]

So, I'm beginning to feel that staying in this area just isn't going to be possible for me. This woman lacks any empathy for what she's putting me through, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and watch her continue this relationship with this other guy.

 

I asked her today if she would resist if I opted to move somewhere else and take our son with me. She would still get visitation rights, but they would be longer periods, fewer times during the year. She said that she wants to do what's best for our son, which is to see both parents as frequently as possible. The thing is, I won't be the best dad I can be living in this town and thinking about what she's done to me. Not to mention, I don't feel she's the best example to be teaching our son the things that I want him to hold dearly--loyalty, honor, respect, etc.

 

She said that she will cross that bridge when we come to it, but that she would like to be 'emotionally prepared' if it's going to happen soon. I told her that it likely won't be in the next couple of months, but that she should start preparing for it. I don't think she'll take it to court, but if she does, I think I have a strong enough case to warrant having custody of him. In the eyes of the law, I have been his primary caregiver now for nearly the past three years while she's been working nights, and I also can bring up her infidelity and her utter selfishness in how she chose to end our marriage, with wanton disregard for the well-being of the children. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if it does I will lawyer up and be prepared. I also have a trump card I could play that could damage her career greatly as well. Bottom line is I need to get on with my life, and it just ain't gonna happen soon enough if I stay here.

 

Unfortunately bud, at least here anyway infidelity has nothing to do with divorce. It can speed up the process, but just because someone has an affair, doesn't mean you have any better chance of custody, child support, etc. So basically guys like you and me, just have to bend over and take it from all ends. Life is great when your an adulterer.

[Sup]

Have you asked a Lawyer about what you typed here, if you could use all of that stuff mentioned above? You better find out, some of that is only useable in some states, Laws vary from state to state.

[Sup]

Life is great when your an adulterer.

 

 

IF you're a WOMAN!

[hurting_in_nw]

Well I wouldn't use her adultery as grounds for custody per se...I would use it in the respect that it, along with her unwillingness to try and work things out, showed that she has little respect for the family unit, and that she also essentially broke up another family through her actions. Plus I also have the custody agreement she's already signed in my favor as well, and by the time I decide to move months from now, it will have been in effect and I will essentially be his primary caregiver, which as I said I could argue I've been for the past three years almost.

 

I could also get his daycare provider, a number of friends, and probably my stepson's dad to vouch for me in court that I'm the more concerned, caring parent. Of course, she'll probably just let me go and deal with it rather than try and fight me. She told me as much early on in this, when my initial feeling was that I would leave town.

[Ladyjane14]

So, I'm beginning to feel that staying in this area just isn't going to be possible for me.

 

"Wherever you go... there you are."

 

Listen, if you WANT to be somewhere else and you're going TO something rather than away from something... that's one thing. If you're running from your problems, that's something different.

 

I know a guy who's screwed up his WHOLE LIFE doing just that. So my advice to you has to be this...

 

Proactive, not Reactive. :bunny:

[hurting_in_nw]

Thanks LJ. No, I wouldn't be running away...I shouldn't say that, because yes, part of it is getting myself away from her. I would be moving closer to family and basically trying to get a 'fresh start' without having to have her in my life so often. If I didn't have a child with her, there would be no question that I would go far away and she'd never see/hear from me again. This betrayal and its aftermath are so heinous in my eyes that I would never want someone capable of it in my life. If I have to have that person in it, having her as far away as possible will be a big help in my recovery from it.

[sumdude]

Thanks LJ. No, I wouldn't be running away...I shouldn't say that, because yes, part of it is getting myself away from her. I would be moving closer to family and basically trying to get a 'fresh start' without having to have her in my life so often. If I didn't have a child with her, there would be no question that I would go far away and she'd never see/hear from me again. This betrayal and its aftermath are so heinous in my eyes that I would never want someone capable of it in my life. If I have to have that person in it, having her as far away as possible will be a big help in my recovery from it.

 

Your feelings are understandable. Take your time though. Don't make any major life decisions while you're still emotionally unbalanced due to the divorce. Give it 6 months to a year then make your decisions. Making emotional decisions now might leave you wondering WTF when things calm down.

[hurting_in_nw]

Your feelings are understandable. Take your time though. Don't make any major life decisions while you're still emotionally unbalanced due to the divorce. Give it 6 months to a year then make your decisions. Making emotional decisions now might leave you wondering WTF when things calm down.

 

I know, but honestly, I don't think things are going to calm down for me when I have to deal with her so often and see her with the guy she cheated on me and left me for. That's why I'm sort of between a rock and a hard place.

[sumdude]

I know, but honestly, I don't think things are going to calm down for me when I have to deal with her so often and see her with the guy she cheated on me and left me for. That's why I'm sort of between a rock and a hard place.

 

Give it time, things will calm down inside of you. Get your power back, right now you're still giving her the power to make you feel the way you do. Don't allow her to control your emotions anymore. You have to control your emotions over time. Not easy but you have to find a way. I'm learning it every day, sometimes I slip but I get back up because deep inside I know that no one has any control over me but myself.

[hurting_in_nw]

It's amazing how three or four beers can put things totally into perspective, and make me realize how much better off I'll be without this b**ch all up in my s**t all the time. God almighty, was she a friggin' control freak.

 

Every now and then I get flashes of being completely indifferent. A couple beers and some Pantera and I feel so powerful...like if I was to see her and her scumbag new boyfriend, I'd probably just laugh at them knowing how pathetic they are. I think I'll eventually get to the point where I feel like that all the time. That's what i'm shooting for.

[quiet1one1]

It's amazing how three or four beers can put things totally into perspective

 

I'll toast to that! Unfortunately, you cannot drink beer all the .... um .... time .... err .... well .... now that I think about it ....

[Missy27]

Every now and then I get flashes of being completely indifferent. A couple beers and some Pantera and I feel so powerful...like if I was to see her and her scumbag new boyfriend, I'd probably just laugh at them knowing how pathetic they are. I think I'll eventually get to the point where I feel like that all the time. That's what i'm shooting for

 

You WILL get to that point HN..... Believe me.... you will, and that's EXACTLY why I wouldn't get too bent on moving away so quickly. There will come a point in which you just DONT CARE what she's doing or who she's with.

 

In my opinion, when going through a divorce in which children are involved, its essential that the parents shield a child from the effects of the divorce as much as possible. Of course it would be impossible to protect them from everything and In SOME cases moving away is the better option, but from what I have read from you, i think your son would still benefit from having his mother around. Its ALWAYS best where visable for the child to remain in contact with BOTH parents, I mean think about it if the boot were on the other foot and your W had full custody of your son, would you be happy if she moved away and you were only able to see him once or twice a year ? .... And PLEASE dont think I am in any way condoning your W's behavior, I am just trying to throw in another perception for you

[hurting_in_nw]

I know Missy. You're right. I realized that even though I may be acting otherwise, that I'm still stuck in a mode of making decisions based on how it will affect her, and I can't do that. If I want to move one day, it will have to be for me, not because I know it will hurt her.

[Missy27]

I know Missy. You're right. I realized that even though I may be acting otherwise, that I'm still stuck in a mode of making decisions based on how it will affect her, and I can't do that. If I want to move one day, it will have to be for me, not because I know it will hurt her.

You're doing great HN. Everything that you are feeling.. the anger, the depression, the anxiety, the uncertainty is ALL normal. You ARE progressing, even if YOU think that you are not, we can all see it.

[Ladyjane14]

I realized that even though I may be acting otherwise, that I'm still stuck in a mode of making decisions based on how it will affect her...

 

It's early days yet, HN. You'll get there. Have a little faith. :bunny:

 

Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. But if you combine TIME with a PROACTIVE STANCE... you got magic.

[hurting_in_nw]

So today I went and jammed with a couple guys I work with and their drummer. They're all really good musicians, and had played together in a local cover band. A few weeks ago, things came to a head with their singer/guitarist, who had started the band, and since they couldn't fire him, they all just quit instead.

 

Anyway, couple of weeks ago at work one of the guys mentioned that they were looking for a new singer/guitarist. So I had asked him if I could audition. I went today and nailed it--they were all stoked and said I sang really well, and that if I'm up for learning 40 songs in the next 6 weeks or so, I'm in! This is just what I needed...plus I'll be the only guy in the band who's single:D

[El-Producto]

So today I went and jammed with a couple guys I work with and their drummer. They're all really good musicians, and had played together in a local cover band. A few weeks ago, things came to a head with their singer/guitarist, who had started the band, and since they couldn't fire him, they all just quit instead.

 

Anyway, couple of weeks ago at work one of the guys mentioned that they were looking for a new singer/guitarist. So I had asked him if I could audition. I went today and nailed it--they were all stoked and said I sang really well, and that if I'm up for learning 40 songs in the next 6 weeks or so, I'm in! This is just what I needed...plus I'll be the only guy in the band who's single:D

 

Nice work, congrats. I really need to learn to play guitar, like I've been meaning to for so long. I picked up and electric with an amp last year, but have barely touched it. Chicks love rock and rollers, plus when I'm pissed I can hammer out some metal.

[Ladyjane14]

Congratulations!!! :)

 

That sounds like an absolutely PERFECT way to get your mind moving on to bigger and better things. 40 songs in six weeks will leave you NO TIME for angst, man. WTG!!!

 

And EP... there's no time like the present. :bunny:

I got my first guitar when I was 16. And to this day, I'm still more of a mechanic than a musician , but... it's soothing.

 

It requires a certain amount of concentration while you're learning, so it redirects the mind. These days... I'm trying to learn violin. Frankly, there are fifth-graders who play better than I do. But you know what? ... I don't care!

[ThumbingMyWay]

that I'm still stuck in a mode of making decisions based on how it will affect her, and I can't do that.

 

 

hey brother

 

I know what you mean. The years leading up to my wifes affair and the first years into recovery I was the same way. I did everything for her or made decisions that wold benefit her. I would sacrifice for her.

 

And personally, I think it hindered our recovery. And I think in the beginning, she took a little advantage of the fact that she knew I was this way. Meaning she knew she could push the bounderies casue...well...I never stood up for myself. I was truely co-dependent on her.,,and thats a bad place for a heathly marriage.

 

But after many many converstaitons with my....as LJ calls it...my thinker...I knew I had to change. And I can say, in the last few months....if not the last year, I have done more for myself. Just the other day...I was thinking...and I just feel like I am ME again. The old me...the one that was always trying to please her....is now pleaseing me....but I dont take adventage...I just speak up more...I do more that I like.

 

I have been to the lowest lows I have ever been....and I wouldnt wish that "box of fear" on my worst enemy...not even the exMM. Its a horrible place to be in man.

 

But....thru faith and conviction....I have endured, we have endured....and we both are better people than we were before all this....

 

I still have my momments of anger....I dont think those will ever go away...but they are diminishing with time.....its very hard NOT to harbor anger....us human beings have a hard time letting go...we have to work at it...and it aint easy. But with Faith I am doing it.

 

Living with the Spirit is what it is. Faith in Christ works for me...it makes sence to me. I gave Him my burden and I took his...which is light compared to mine. I am not sure of your faith.....but if you are curious, or anyone for that matter....if you have a Bible.....read the Letter Paul wrote to the Romans....I beleive chapter 8 talks of living wiht the Spirit. IMO, Paul did a very good job of describing exactly what is meant by living thru the Spirit....how to live with the Light of Christ shining thru you.

 

It works for me....and it shows thru me. Its something I cant explain...it just sorta happened.....and man....what an awesome place to be

 

side note....I just heard the new White Strips song...Icky Thump....very good man...check it out. And I just picked up the new Modest Mouse....lots very very good music coming out....just got TOOL tix for Chicago too....wife and I are going....boy is she in for a ride at that show.....now if I can just get Pearl Jam to play Alpine Valley this summer

[sumdude]

So today I went and jammed with a couple guys I work with and their drummer. They're all really good musicians, and had played together in a local cover band. A few weeks ago, things came to a head with their singer/guitarist, who had started the band, and since they couldn't fire him, they all just quit instead.

 

Anyway, couple of weeks ago at work one of the guys mentioned that they were looking for a new singer/guitarist. So I had asked him if I could audition. I went today and nailed it--they were all stoked and said I sang really well, and that if I'm up for learning 40 songs in the next 6 weeks or so, I'm in! This is just what I needed...plus I'll be the only guy in the band who's single:D

 

Hey man, I'm in the same mode. I'd kept playing a bit during the last few years. Maybe a gig a month..but somewhere along the line I lost my passion. I'm just getting into cranking up a new band and finally getting my catalog of songs put together. Nothing like a major breakup to get an albums worth of material written.

 

Get out there and jam, it's give all those emotions somewhere to go! Doesn't hurt to have the ladies checking out the lead singer. He's the one who gets the attention.

 

The interesting thing is that I wrote a few tunes on the spot jamming when I was in the throes of the hardest emotional turbulence. Now that I'm calming down I have to reach a bit deeper to find it again.

[hurting_in_nw]

So after speaking with a close friend last night who went through a divorce a couple years ago, he convinced me that selling the house might have been too rash a decision, without even investigating if I could keep it on my own. I believe that I can. The STBXW made me a buy-out offer, so tomorrow I am going to see if I can secure an equity credit line to pay her off. Then I will be able to keep my home. Both of the kids love this place, and now that she's been gone for a while, I realize that I do too. It's in a great neighborhood/school district, and the boys know it as their home, as do I.

 

If I can swing this it will be great! I'll keep you all posted after I talk to some lenders tomorrow.

[El-Producto]

So after speaking with a close friend last night who went through a divorce a couple years ago, he convinced me that selling the house might have been too rash a decision, without even investigating if I could keep it on my own. I believe that I can. The STBXW made me a buy-out offer, so tomorrow I am going to see if I can secure an equity credit line to pay her off. Then I will be able to keep my home. Both of the kids love this place, and now that she's been gone for a while, I realize that I do too. It's in a great neighborhood/school district, and the boys know it as their home, as do I.

 

If I can swing this it will be great! I'll keep you all posted after I talk to some lenders tomorrow.

 

 

Exactly what I'm doing man. I'm keeping the house because my STBXW can't afford the mortgage, and I really do love this house.. as do the kids. It gets exciting when you think that you can take over the house, and turn it into YOUR place. This is very evident for me, now that I don't have to live with my wife the slob. It's gonna be crappy for me to buy her out, but thankfully we don't have much equity in our house, we've only had it for 2 years.