Is it really over? (VERY long)

[PWSX3]

So after speaking with a close friend last night who went through a divorce a couple years ago, he convinced me that selling the house might have been too rash a decision, without even investigating if I could keep it on my own. I believe that I can. The STBXW made me a buy-out offer, so tomorrow I am going to see if I can secure an equity credit line to pay her off. Then I will be able to keep my home. Both of the kids love this place, and now that she's been gone for a while, I realize that I do too. It's in a great neighborhood/school district, and the boys know it as their home, as do I.

 

If I can swing this it will be great! I'll keep you all posted after I talk to some lenders tomorrow.

add a new coat of paint & maybe change up a few other things the way you & the kids would like it and just like that it will be your place!!!!!!

[hurting_in_nw]

Boy oh boy, what a day. You guys aren't going to believe this.

 

So the day started off with me hitting up a couple of banks to find out about buying out STBXW on the house. I ended up getting approved for a home equity installment loan, that I could space out over 30 years and keep the payments manageable.

 

Called STBXW, and my offer to her was a little lower than what she had asked for. I told her, "This is what I can get...if you want out you can have it in two weeks and be done." The caveat was that in order to keep the mortgage payment low enough for me, and to keep the low interest rate we got when we bought the house, I'd need her to stay on the mortgage. I said that I would sign whatever I needed to relieving her of any connection to the loan, but that the only official way to get her off is to refinance, which I don't think I can afford right now. She said she didn't want to do that, and I of course let my anger get the best of me and started yelling and cursing. This is why we stick to email.

 

Anyway, I had to attend a parenting class with her at 1. Of course, as soon as I see her the anger starts boiling up in me again. We sat apart at the class, but I could still see her, and all this parenting crap is stuff I never wanted to do anyway. So by the time the first break rolls around, I'm about to explode. I went and sat next to her, and began quietly berating her about how much I hate her and how I don't know how I'll ever be able to parent with her considering how I feel. As I had asked her to do, she got up and said she was leaving.

 

I followed her out of the room, and she was talking to the guy who runs the class. I asked her why she even made me go with her, since by now it's obvious that you don't have to go as a couple. She apologized and said she didn't realize that or she wouldn't have made me go with her. The instructor asked what we needed to make it through the class, and I said as long as she sits away from me and doesn't talk to me, I'll be fine. We agreed.

 

Now is where it starts to get weird. As I come back in, there's this woman standing there who was also attending the class. I guess she overheard a little of what was said, as she comes up to me and says, "I think you should come sit in the back with me." I looked at her kind of strangely, and she says, "You should come sit with me in the back. We actually have some things to talk about....I'm the other guy's wife."

 

Me =

 

That's right, the OM's STBXW is there at the parenting class too. My STBXW obviously has no idea who she is, as she originally went and sat right in front of her. So I did, I went and sat with her, and she filled me in on quite a few details, without going too deep, as I didn't want to know too much.

 

First of all, OM was NOT separated when he met my STBXW. Big surprise, huh? I'm sure that's what he told her though, and of course she bought it. The truth is, he did to his wife EXACTLY what she did to me--everything was just fine and dandy until BANG! OM has no interest in raising small kids...he is, as his STBXW put it, "thinking completely with his dick." She described him to me almost exactly as I describe my STBXW--selfish, emotionally immature, and said that basically he's having a MLC. He also told her that "there's no way in hell" he'd ever move in with my STBXW. He has an 18-year-old daughter who now thinks he's a complete sleaze, and was freaked out by just having one kid. She even said he flipped when she bought two dogs, going on about how it was going to affect "his freedom." I told her that if he sticks with my STBXW he will have to meet me before meeting my son, and she said that she highly doubts it will ever come to that. He is apparently intent on taking a job in another state.

 

So basically, he sounds exactly like who I imagined he was. And it makes the eventual outcome of this for my STBXW what I had hoped for--complete and utter heartbreak. I will be popping some popcorn, lighting up a smoke, cracking a beer, and watching the fireworks. Can't wait.

[Trialbyfire]

So basically, he sounds exactly like who I imagined he was. And it makes the eventual outcome of this for my STBXW what I had hoped for--complete and utter heartbreak. I will be popping some popcorn, lighting up a smoke, cracking a beer, and watching the fireworks. Can't wait.

 

Pass me the popcorn...

 

I keep telling people that karma is a bitch...

[Ladyjane14]

That's right, the OM's STBXW is there at the parenting class too. My STBXW obviously has no idea who she is, as she originally went and sat right in front of her. So I did, I went and sat with her, and she filled me in on quite a few details, without going too deep, as I didn't want to know too much.

 

First of all, OM was NOT separated when he met my STBXW. Big surprise, huh? I'm sure that's what he told her though, and of course she bought it. The truth is, he did to his wife EXACTLY what she did to me--everything was just fine and dandy until BANG! OM has no interest in raising small kids...he is, as his STBXW put it, "thinking completely with his dick." She described him to me almost exactly as I describe my STBXW--selfish, emotionally immature, and said that basically he's having a MLC. He also told her that "there's no way in hell" he'd ever move in with my STBXW. He has an 18-year-old daughter who now thinks he's a complete sleaze, and was freaked out by just having one kid. She even said he flipped when she bought two dogs, going on about how it was going to affect "his freedom." I told her that if he sticks with my STBXW he will have to meet me before meeting my son, and she said that she highly doubts it will ever come to that. He is apparently intent on taking a job in another state.

 

Wow. :eek:

 

Was it some kind of crazy coincidence?... or did she come there looking for you.? What was OM's STBXW doing at the parenting class? That's just so weird if they don't have minor children together.

 

Whatever the case... it looks like you got some of your questions answered, so that's good.

 

 

 

Changing the subject... I'm sure you probably knew this was coming... but I'm going to post to you about your temper again.

...She said she didn't want to do that, and I of course let my anger get the best of me and started yelling and cursing....

 

...Of course, as soon as I see her the anger starts boiling up in me again. We sat apart at the class, but I could still see her, and all this parenting crap is stuff I never wanted to do anyway. So by the time the first break rolls around, I'm about to explode. I went and sat next to her, and began quietly berating her about how much I hate her and how I don't know how I'll ever be able to parent with her considering how I feel. As I had asked her to do, she got up and said she was leaving.

 

I followed her out of the room...

 

Okay. You're angry. That's indisputable and it's completely natural for you to feel that way.

 

That said... You are not a bull that can be agitated by a red flag wagging in it's face. You are a MAN, not a bull. The mere sight of your STBXW should not reduce you to the status of a beast. If you continue to allow it to do so, you are not taking control of your situation and you are not in the driver's seat of YOUR life.

 

I posted this on another thread yesterday. It's a great little story and it applies to sooooo many situations. Moose used to use it in his signature line.

 

 

The Story of Two Wolves

 

An Older Cherokee man is teaching his Grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he says to the boy. "it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves".

 

One is Evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, selfishness, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

 

The other is good. He is LOVE, joy, peace, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

 

"This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person".

 

The Grandson thinks about this for a minute and then asks his Grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

 

The old Cherokee replies, "the one you feed."

 

I honestly think that for the sake of your own peace of mind and for the sake of your child, you need to STOP feeding your anger. See it as an angry "wolf" and starve it. Better yet, shoo it away. Put a loose-fitting rubber band around your wrist and give it a little 'pop' every time you think of some ill-conceived thing to say to your STBX.

 

Kick that "angry wolf" out of your brain space. Do NOT indulge it. When you find yourself thinking about STBXW... treat your brain like the super-computer it is... and pull up a more productive file. World peace, the price of eggs, global warming, the latest hockey scores... anything is more productive to think about than this.

 

Meanwhile, get yourself a book or two on parenting for divorced parents and FOCUS on giving your child the BEST you can give him. Indulging yourself in hatred toward his mother is not in his best interest. It makes YOU bitter, and it rejects HALF of who he is.

 

You've got to get a handle on this. You can't follow her around "berating" her. It's going to make you look like a madman in divorce court.

 

Your STBXW is losing YOU. And if you're a nice guy, a good husband and father... that's already going to amount to quite a bit of punishment as time marches on.

 

Remember what I told you earlier. There is NO COIN good enough to pay for someone's pain. She couldn't reimburse you even if she tried. Don't stand around like a dummy with your hand outstretched. It ain't happening.

 

End of diatribe.

[hurting_in_nw]

Thanks LJ. I can say that after speaking with the OM's STBXW, I had calmed down greatly and was able to talk to my own STBX. When I did, I realized that as long as I don't lose my temper, I can easily manipulate her guilt to my benefit...she is now doing all the legwork to find me a new mortgage loan and will even take less money if I can't get approved for enough to pay her the full amount she wants:D

 

When we went outside of the class, I told her calmly that I hate it that I'm so full of these feelings toward her, and that it's unfair because I'm a better person than that and I don't deserve to have been reduced to this. She started crying and said she knows all this, then went on some tangent about how she rented "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" the night before and was a complete wreck by the end of it. If she thinks she was a wreck after watching a movie, she has no clue what she's eventually in for when her beloved OM shows his true colors.

 

Oh, and as for the OM's STBX being there--all divorcing parents have to attend the parenting class. She said she knew who we both were right away...apparently she's done her research on my STBXW and knows a lot about us. The weird thing is originally we were going to go to Wednesday's class, but I said I wanted to go Monday instead. Turns out Wed. is when OM is going. That might not have played out too well.

[Ladyjane14]

The weird thing is originally we were going to go to Wednesday's class, but I said I wanted to go Monday instead. Turns out Wed. is when OM is going. That might not have played out too well.

 

You must've had an angel sitting on your shoulder when you decided on Monday... 'cause I think you're probably right, that might NOT have played out well.

 

Do you have more classes you have to attend? I'm thinking that if you do... you'd do well to find out who's going when.

[hurting_in_nw]

Nope, no more classes. We just have to work out the details on the house now and we can file.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Boy oh boy, what a day. You guys aren't going to believe this.

 

So the day started off with me hitting up a couple of banks to find out about buying out STBXW on the house. I ended up getting approved for a home equity installment loan, that I could space out over 30 years and keep the payments manageable.

 

Called STBXW, and my offer to her was a little lower than what she had asked for. I told her, "This is what I can get...if you want out you can have it in two weeks and be done." The caveat was that in order to keep the mortgage payment low enough for me, and to keep the low interest rate we got when we bought the house, I'd need her to stay on the mortgage. I said that I would sign whatever I needed to relieving her of any connection to the loan, but that the only official way to get her off is to refinance, which I don't think I can afford right now. She said she didn't want to do that, and I of course let my anger get the best of me and started yelling and cursing. This is why we stick to email.

 

Anyway, I had to attend a parenting class with her at 1. Of course, as soon as I see her the anger starts boiling up in me again. We sat apart at the class, but I could still see her, and all this parenting crap is stuff I never wanted to do anyway. So by the time the first break rolls around, I'm about to explode. I went and sat next to her, and began quietly berating her about how much I hate her and how I don't know how I'll ever be able to parent with her considering how I feel. As I had asked her to do, she got up and said she was leaving.

 

I followed her out of the room, and she was talking to the guy who runs the class. I asked her why she even made me go with her, since by now it's obvious that you don't have to go as a couple. She apologized and said she didn't realize that or she wouldn't have made me go with her. The instructor asked what we needed to make it through the class, and I said as long as she sits away from me and doesn't talk to me, I'll be fine. We agreed.

 

Now is where it starts to get weird. As I come back in, there's this woman standing there who was also attending the class. I guess she overheard a little of what was said, as she comes up to me and says, "I think you should come sit in the back with me." I looked at her kind of strangely, and she says, "You should come sit with me in the back. We actually have some things to talk about....I'm the other guy's wife."

 

Me =

 

That's right, the OM's STBXW is there at the parenting class too. My STBXW obviously has no idea who she is, as she originally went and sat right in front of her. So I did, I went and sat with her, and she filled me in on quite a few details, without going too deep, as I didn't want to know too much.

 

First of all, OM was NOT separated when he met my STBXW. Big surprise, huh? I'm sure that's what he told her though, and of course she bought it. The truth is, he did to his wife EXACTLY what she did to me--everything was just fine and dandy until BANG! OM has no interest in raising small kids...he is, as his STBXW put it, "thinking completely with his dick." She described him to me almost exactly as I describe my STBXW--selfish, emotionally immature, and said that basically he's having a MLC. He also told her that "there's no way in hell" he'd ever move in with my STBXW. He has an 18-year-old daughter who now thinks he's a complete sleaze, and was freaked out by just having one kid. She even said he flipped when she bought two dogs, going on about how it was going to affect "his freedom." I told her that if he sticks with my STBXW he will have to meet me before meeting my son, and she said that she highly doubts it will ever come to that. He is apparently intent on taking a job in another state.

 

So basically, he sounds exactly like who I imagined he was. And it makes the eventual outcome of this for my STBXW what I had hoped for--complete and utter heartbreak. I will be popping some popcorn, lighting up a smoke, cracking a beer, and watching the fireworks. Can't wait.

 

OMFG!

 

The OMW was in the same class and your wife didnt even know??? OMg how stupid is it to cheat and not know the op's spouse is? If the omw was a crazy woman she could have stalked her after she left the class and killed her without your wife even knowing, some females dont take it lightly to another woman destroying her marriage.

 

Wow that's just crazy, I would have never seen that one coming. But I know this is gonna sound sick and deranged but if I was in the situation I'm not gonna lie when I ask:

 

Was the OMW's hot???

 

I mean alot of these om who are married their wives' be complete dime pieces and they dont even know it. And you start to see the true colors of your wife, and you wonder what the hell are you fighting for?

 

Did you flirt with her and whatnot? I would have, even made a date. Make my soon to be ex-wife very jealous and then imagine when the OM sees you with his wife.

 

Living good is the best revenge, go and get yours playa!!

[hurting_in_nw]

Hahaha CB! Yeah, she wasn't bad looking at all, and actually I thought it might be good if we talked more. I floated that out there as we were leaving...I said I know it might be awkward but if she ever wanted to talk or have coffee feel free to get a hold of me. She said thanks and something like "maybe I'll message you on MySpace" or something, but I got the impression she wasn't all that interested.

[Darth Vader]

OMFG!

 

The OMW was in the same class and your wife didnt even know??? OMg how stupid is it to cheat and not know the op's spouse is? If the omw was a crazy woman she could have stalked her after she left the class and killed her without your wife even knowing, some females dont take it lightly to another woman destroying her marriage.

 

Wow that's just crazy, I would have never seen that one coming. But I know this is gonna sound sick and deranged but if I was in the situation I'm not gonna lie when I ask:

 

Was the OMW's hot???

 

I mean alot of these om who are married their wives' be complete dime pieces and they dont even know it. And you start to see the true colors of your wife, and you wonder what the hell are you fighting for?

 

Did you flirt with her and whatnot? I would have, even made a date. Make my soon to be ex-wife very jealous and then imagine when the OM sees you with his wife.

 

Living good is the best revenge, go and get yours playa!!

 

 

Darn! You stole my question. Well Anyway, Is she HOT!? You and her may end up together or something......

Gotta pepsi and a straw, I need the straw to drink the pepsi through this mask!

Please keep us posted.

[Darth Vader]

Hahaha CB! Yeah, she wasn't bad looking at all, and actually I thought it might be good if we talked more. I floated that out there as we were leaving...I said I know it might be awkward but if she ever wanted to talk or have coffee feel free to get a hold of me. She said thanks and something like "maybe I'll message you on MySpace" or something, but I got the impression she wasn't all that interested.

 

 

Ok, you did. Maybe it was the incorrect moment considering all that's going on, but, don't rule it out.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hahaha CB! Yeah, she wasn't bad looking at all, and actually I thought it might be good if we talked more. I floated that out there as we were leaving...I said I know it might be awkward but if she ever wanted to talk or have coffee feel free to get a hold of me. She said thanks and something like "maybe I'll message you on MySpace" or something, but I got the impression she wasn't all that interested.

 

Aww shucks:o

 

But hey you never know. I've been seeing wierder things happening so it's not far fetched, but as interesting as it is, two wrongs dont make a right but one can always dream.

[hurting_in_nw]

All that hate your dealing with? That isn't hate Brother ~ that's deep hard felt love turned inside out! You've got it bad for her!

 

Man gunny, after the last argument I had with her at the parenting class, I really got to thinking about this. In fact, it popped in my head on my drive to work yesterday, and I bawled the whole way. You're right, I've got it bad for her...I don't hate her...I still love her very deeply, and I don't want to hate her because of that.

 

This line that I quoted above is something I also discussed with my counselor yesterday, and we took it and really got to the heart of all the anger and rage I've been dealing with. It was a huge help. In fact, on the way home, I pass my son's daycare, and I saw the STBXW getting him in the car. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I turned around and went back there. I wanted to apologize for all the really terrible, terrible things I've said to her in my anger. We both cried and held each other for a while...she still couldn't give me a reason why she's done all this, but I know what's wrong with her and I can only hope one day she fills the hole in her soul the way it needs to be filled.

 

The downside to this is that all that anger and hate...it's now unbelievable waves of grief and sadness that come over me. I stupidly put on "The Scientist" by Coldplay on my way to work this morning, and I was a sobbing mess the whole time.

 

I guess the upside to letting go of the hate and anger is I'm better able to communicate effectively with her. I mentioned manipulation in an earlier post, but it's about more than that...we do need to resolve our relationship so we can both parent our child, and I'm now able to tell her things rationally without getting angry. I'm still maintaining minimal contact with her, but when we talk I still find myself trying to help her...to make her see the error of her ways the way everyone else does. It's very odd...I still feel a protective instinct toward her when the anger isn't there.

[Gunny376]

You've got to give yourself the time to grieve the loss of her and the marriage ~ your anger kept you from that. You've got to forgive her ~ not because she deserves to be forgiven ~ but so you can move forward in your life. Not for just her sake of being forgiven ~ but for your own. If not you could spend years if not the rest of your life osculating back and forth where your at now.

 

 

At some point, you've got to come to realization you're dragging dead horses around with you everywhere you go? It gets to be a bit of chore after awhile ~ don't you think!

[hurting_in_nw]

You've got to give yourself the time to grieve the loss of her and the marriage ~ your anger kept you from that. You've got to forgive her ~ not because she deserves to be forgiven ~ but so you can move forward in your life. Not for just her sake of being forgiven ~ but for your own. If not you could spend years if not the rest of your life osculating back and forth where your at now.

 

 

At some point, you've got to come to realization you're dragging dead horses around with you everywhere you go? It gets to be a bit of chore after awhile ~ don't you think!

 

I know what you're saying man. The problem is that this shift out of anger has also gotten me thinking about wanting to fix her so I can have her back. I just have to stick to what I said early on in this--that if we were to ever get back together, at this point it would be a looooong time into the future, after she'd gotten her **** worked out. I just feel like I can help fix her because I know her so well and see what's wrong with her, and that's probably counterproductive at this point, for me at least.

[Gunny376]

I know what you're saying man. The problem is that this shift out of anger has also gotten me thinking about wanting to fix her so I can have her back. I just have to stick to what I said early on in this--that if we were to ever get back together, at this point it would be a looooong time into the future, after she'd gotten her **** worked out. I just feel like I can help fix her because I know her so well and see what's wrong with her, and that's probably counterproductive at this point, for me at least.

 

 

The only one that you can fix is yourself, and that a chore enough for any one person. And, you're right, if there's a chance for you and her, its down the road. I know one couple that was divorced for 10 years before they got back together.

 

There's some growing, learning, and maturing that needs to take place here first, and I'm not saying that's all on you!

[sumdude]

I know what you're saying man. The problem is that this shift out of anger has also gotten me thinking about wanting to fix her so I can have her back. I just have to stick to what I said early on in this--that if we were to ever get back together, at this point it would be a looooong time into the future, after she'd gotten her **** worked out. I just feel like I can help fix her because I know her so well and see what's wrong with her, and that's probably counterproductive at this point, for me at least.

 

The serenity prayer

 

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

 

You cannot change or fix your wife so you have to accept that. Only she has that power.

 

You cannot change the past and what has already transpired. Accept and let go.

 

You cannot foretell the future so you have to accept that too.

 

You can change how you react to everything and how you live your life TODAY. There is only NOW and your actions. Tomorrow you can try to plan for but have no control over. The old saying "The best laid plans..."

 

Let that grief out, it wants to get out. Your mind and heart are using thier tools to heal you. I know that in those moments when the anger and rage turn to the tears for a bit I feel renewed afterwords. Don't get lost in the pity party but allow yourself to feel these things.

 

You're doing great, keep on.

[hurting_in_nw]

Today I have experienced a sadness unlike anything I have ever felt. I am completely destroyed...I am feeling the wave of grief and I hope it will pass, but I realize that now that I have been through denial, anger, and sadness, my emotions have become a mix of all three...when the sadness becomes to great I refuse to believe it's real...I can feel angry but I don't want to go back there...it was a bad, bad place...I hope I never go there again either.

 

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I set myself up for what happened today, but it doesn't make it easier when she tries to comfort me. She is the one who I am used to having comforting me, but because she is the source of my pain, she can't do that anymore. She tries though. I need to stop that. Just as seeing her brought out such anger in me before, now seeing her brings out my sadness and desire to have her back.

 

I guess what needs to happen is finding a balance between all these emotions to help me get through...I just don't know what to do anymore. Go back to the business-only emails I suppose, but it's just so hard to let her go. Even with the knowledge that she has let me go, long ago.

 

The anger was good at helping me stay focused on myself, but it was unproductive. Now I feel that i could easily instead slip into a deep depression and just leave the world behind. I want to just disappear and not have to deal with any of this anymore, but I can't. I suppose this is my 'pity party,' I just don't want it to last too long. I'm taking some time off work to get my head together, and hopefully get the house worked out. There's lots of other stuff happening...I can't type out every single interaction we have, but it's all been very confusing, sad, and heartbreaking for both of us. At least in my sadness I finally see how she is hurting over this, which I didn't get when i showed my anger.

[debilou]

I'm so sorry for you . . . . . . you're feeling what ALL dedicated BS feel. You and you alone can fix this mess . . . . . you know them (WW/WH) better than they know themselves. You are strong enough for both of you ! ! !

 

This is the rollercoaster you've heard so much about. You go from anger to pain and sadness. Counseling will get you thru this. It got me thru. I still have pain, anger, sadness. And the biggest question of all "Why" ? ? ?

 

We should have grown old together, had grandkids together, the fairy tale ending . . . . . but HE chose "not" to.

 

I have no words of wisdom for you . . . . . I'm just sad to see you have to go down the road so many have traveled. Stay with couseling. You need to keep contact to a minimum. This is still really early, it's not over till it's over. Read other threads and see how they can change in an instant.

 

One question . . . . . . . do you truely believe your WW has real integrity? Does she have deep down moral convictions? Maybe the answer to those questions will give you an insight to how this may all end.

 

We're here for you. You aren't alone.

 

Have you been to marriagebuilders? Read any books on saving a marriage?

 

I'm not trying to get your hopes up but it's soooo not over yet . . . . .

 

Take care, Debilou

[sumdude]

You will come out the other side. I don't know which made me cry more, my mother's passing or my wife's leaving...probably the latter

but it was similar grief. It's OK to feel the way you do, you're not weak just human.

[El-Producto]

Man gunny, after the last argument I had with her at the parenting class, I really got to thinking about this. In fact, it popped in my head on my drive to work yesterday, and I bawled the whole way. You're right, I've got it bad for her...I don't hate her...I still love her very deeply, and I don't want to hate her because of that.

 

This line that I quoted above is something I also discussed with my counselor yesterday, and we took it and really got to the heart of all the anger and rage I've been dealing with. It was a huge help. In fact, on the way home, I pass my son's daycare, and I saw the STBXW getting him in the car. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I turned around and went back there. I wanted to apologize for all the really terrible, terrible things I've said to her in my anger. We both cried and held each other for a while...she still couldn't give me a reason why she's done all this, but I know what's wrong with her and I can only hope one day she fills the hole in her soul the way it needs to be filled.

 

The downside to this is that all that anger and hate...it's now unbelievable waves of grief and sadness that come over me. I stupidly put on "The Scientist" by Coldplay on my way to work this morning, and I was a sobbing mess the whole time.

 

I guess the upside to letting go of the hate and anger is I'm better able to communicate effectively with her. I mentioned manipulation in an earlier post, but it's about more than that...we do need to resolve our relationship so we can both parent our child, and I'm now able to tell her things rationally without getting angry. I'm still maintaining minimal contact with her, but when we talk I still find myself trying to help her...to make her see the error of her ways the way everyone else does. It's very odd...I still feel a protective instinct toward her when the anger isn't there.

 

Once again, our similarities rear their heads. I too am having a really hard time watching my STBXW on her downward spiral. Despite all the stuff she has done and is doing to me. In my dysfunctional cycle of co-dependency, I would always catch her when she fell, even if it meant my unhappiness. It all comes down to the fact that you still love the person, and you know that they have their own problems that you, or anyone else CANNOT fix. Only the WS can fix the problems they have, unfortunately when they have an affair, they can't see through the fog, and realize that they are losing a very good thing.

 

Stay strong, quit worrying about the past, and focus on the future. I feel so much better, now that I am starting to be able to detach myself. You have friends here, so don't let yourself get too down in the dumps.

[Ladyjane14]

...I just don't know what to do anymore. Go back to the business-only emails I suppose, but it's just so hard to let her go.

 

The "sadness" is something that you have to let yourself feel. Anger was keeping you from feeling it, and now it's full-blown. But that 'state of being' will NOT persist. It's going to pass. Time and a proactive stance will get you through.

 

While it's true that you do need to allow yourself time to grieve... you don't have to dedicate ALL your time to it. Maybe the best thing to do would be to indulge it in set time limits. ie. "I'm going to go ahead and let myself FEEL the sadness for 20 minutes or so, have a good wallow and a good cry... then I'm going to dry up and get on with my day."

 

This is something that worked really well for me when my marriage was in crisis. I didn't want to stifle my emotions... but I couldn't afford to be walking around like a wreck in front of my kids either. By setting aside a little bit of time JUST to deal with my feelings, I could do them honor, but not allow them to take over my life.

 

Meantime, for both you and for Sumdude as well.... I hope you guys are noticing how breaking NC sets you back. You guys aren't ready yet. You need more time to heal.

[sumdude]

 

Meantime, for both you and for Sumdude as well.... I hope you guys are noticing how breaking NC sets you back. You guys aren't ready yet. You need more time to heal.

 

 

Hmmm... oddly enough I don't feel that I've been set back. I'm able to listen to what my X has to say with a fair amount of detachment now. In some ways it helps me to see her and things as they are. To actually become more comfortable with the idea of staying apart because she simply cannot seem let go of the bad stuff. I don't want to live with negativity the rest of my life. So I am not allowing her to affect me much.

[Missy27]

Today I have experienced a sadness unlike anything I have ever felt. I am completely destroyed...I am feeling the wave of grief and I hope it will pass, but I realize that now that I have been through denial, anger, and sadness, my emotions have become a mix of all three...when the sadness becomes to great I refuse to believe it's real...I can feel angry but I don't want to go back there...it was a bad, bad place...I hope I never go there again either

 

You know what HN? You are experiencing EVERYTHING as you should do. What I mean is - the anger is the first hurdle to overcome, and you've done it The sadness is just the next stage in the grieving process and that too will fade in time. Its a natural collection of feelings that as human beings, we experience when faced with tragedy. Its our way of coping. Basically HN, what you are feeling is totally and completely normal, and shows us all here at LS that you're on the road to recovery.

 

There will come a point when myself, Gunny, Lady Jane, Sum dude and all of the others will tell you it's time to "Man up" and bite the bullet, but for the moment, let your healing take place, but try and be pro-active and as positive as possible. Don't let the grief overtake you too much, you've still got a life to lead

[Ladyjane14]

Hmmm... oddly enough I don't feel that I've been set back. I'm able to listen to what my X has to say with a fair amount of detachment now. In some ways it helps me to see her and things as they are. To actually become more comfortable with the idea of staying apart because she simply cannot seem let go of the bad stuff. I don't want to live with negativity the rest of my life. So I am not allowing her to affect me much.

 

It's good that you're taking something positive away from this. I just don't want to see you get into a position where you can have your emotions manipulated, that's all.

 

A wayward spouse is a good salesman. Bear that in mind.