Is it really over? (VERY long)

[Gunny376]

"Manning-Up" in your paticular situation would be:

 

Firm

Fair

Friendly

 

And insisting upon being respected, not being taking advantage of, walking away when she was less so.

 

Respectful, and treating the other person the way you would want to be caught in your lying, cheating, ways, (But by the Grace of God ~ there go I)

 

Cool, calm, and collected!

 

Think Samuari. A Samuari knows that he can have another's head in a second, but chooses grace, pose, control, self displince, tolerance. I would very much encourage you to take up the martial arts.

[Gunny376]

Listen you two, if you guys want her stuff out of sight out of mind then rent a storage unit, drop the stuff off, give HER the key and inform her of the time limit on the unit! If she doesn't get it by then TOO BAD! Don't pay for anymore time on the unit either. I told you she left stuff there to keep you two seeing each other and dragging this thing on. She knows what she's doing. That goes for BOTH of you guys!

As far as painting goes, you can paint over what color/s she had wanted/liked with colors that you know she will hate, one's that you may like. This way you're doing things legally, peacefully, and you're MOV'IN ON BABY!!!!! :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool:

 

You MY MAIN man ~ Darth! Get some!

[Darth Vader]

You MY MAIN man ~ Darth! Get some!

 

 

If you can't think like a samuari, Think like a Jedi!

[hurting_in_nw]

"Manning-Up" in your paticular situation would be:

 

Firm

Fair

Friendly

 

Thanks for all the advice Gunny. Unfortunately, I'm just not to a point where I can be any of those things except firm right now. Fact is I hate her f***ing guts and honestly hope really bad things happen to her and her OM. Maybe it's me slipping back into the anger stage, but you know, I'd rather be angry than be wallowing in sorrow and begging for this slut back.

[sumdude]

Thanks for all the advice Gunny. Unfortunately, I'm just not to a point where I can be any of those things except firm right now. Fact is I hate her f***ing guts and honestly hope really bad things happen to her and her OM. Maybe it's me slipping back into the anger stage, but you know, I'd rather be angry than be wallowing in sorrow and begging for this slut back.

 

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

 

Or in other words watch your karma man. Life will find a way to make the balance work in your STBX's case. Don't let it do the same to you. Don't give in to the dark side. I've know people who have left broken relationships bitter for the rest of thier lives. They end up leaving a path of destruction in thier wake. My sister is one of those people. Would you really want your kids to see that side of you and learn from it?

[hurting_in_nw]

No, but at the same time, I don't want my kids seeing their dad roll over after their mother has done something like this to him. When they asked what the stuff was for, I told them that their mom was going to come pick it up.

 

And FYI, she loaded up some of the stuff this morning and didn't seem mad or anything. Like I said, she understands that she's f***ed me over big time, so it's not like she's in denial over how she's hurt me. In her own twisted way, she understands that this is the reality of her actions.

 

I have a right to my feelings. I didn't ask for any of this, and if I have to get angry sometimes to get me through, then I will, as long as I don't let it consume me like it was before, and as long as I don't show it to her at all.

[hurting_in_nw]

Whoa Bro ~ this isn't "manning up" this is being a vindictive jerk.

 

C'mon man, I've seen you tell other people when they're being walked on to throw the WS's stuff out on the lawn and change the locks.

 

I've served with enough Brothers in the Marines from NY, and the NE United States to know how some of you guys can be.

 

I'm in the northwest;) Typically we're the peaceful hippie type, but then again, I grew up in Vegas, and I know a cheap slut when I see one.

[hurting_in_nw]

And I want to tell you all that even though I disagreed with you on this I still value your opinions and want you to know you've all been a tremendous help to me through the toughest time of my life.

[Gunny376]

C'mon man, I've seen you tell other people when they're being walked on to throw the WS's stuff out on the lawn and change the locks.

 

True enough ~ but that was coming from what I would do. But I'm an azzhole that doesn't care if the sun doesn't shine! I know I'm an azzhole! My concern was the potential legal ramificiations for another person. It'd been me? I would have thrown it to the curb and "tie-died" her trash with Clorox if not set it on fire and roasted marshmellows and wennies! Hell I'd even invited the neighbors over to sing camp fire songs anda eat hot dogs and smores!

 

I'm your worse nightmare ~ an educated, retired Marine, redneck of an azzhole!

[Darth Vader]

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

 

Or in other words watch your karma man. Life will find a way to make the balance work in your STBX's case. Don't let it do the same to you. Don't give in to the dark side. I've know people who have left broken relationships bitter for the rest of thier lives. They end up leaving a path of destruction in thier wake. My sister is one of those people. Would you really want your kids to see that side of you and learn from it?

 

 

OK! OK! Enough talkin about ME! Oh, wait you wern't, well it's ok then.

 

But seriously, don't follow the path of the ahem! dark side. It may feel good now, but if your STBXW uses it against you to get the house and/or children, how awful will you feel? Don't give her any ammo! She may be waiting for it.

[Darth Vader]

 

I'm your worse nightmare ~ an educated, retired Marine, redneck of an azzhole!

 

 

Until I come walking into the room!

[Ladyjane14]

...and as long as I don't show it to her at all.

 

But you do show it to her. And every time you do, you reinforce her position. You prove her point. You convince her over and over again that leaving you was the right thing to do.

 

Honestly, if you think that what she was feeling, as she loaded up her junk from the curb is remorse or guilt, you're just fooling yourself. That's not even human nature. Human nature is more along the lines of... "What a dick. I'm sooooo glad I don't have to live with him anymore".

 

I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, HN... really I am.

But you're living in la-la-land, regardless of whatever lip-service she offers you in attempt to 'keep the peace', if you think for even one minute that you're going to "make" her feel sorry by instigating these penny-ante little punishments.

 

I had a friend go down a similar path four years ago. We don't talk anymore. THAT's the price of bitterness. To this day, he's still practically stalking his ex. He ruined a subsequent relationship with a different woman who truly cared about him because of it. He's lost the support of friends and family members like me. And all because he let this 'bad thing that happened in his life' turn him into a complete a*hole.

 

If you continue down the path you're on... that's gonna be YOU.

And it's a sorry way to live your life, man. Every single day you invest in this mindset, takes you a little further down that road. Before you know it, you can't find your way back.

[hurting_in_nw]

But you do show it to her. And every time you do, you reinforce her position. You prove her point. You convince her over and over again that leaving you was the right thing to do.

 

Honestly, if you think that what she was feeling, as she loaded up her junk from the curb is remorse or guilt, you're just fooling yourself. That's not even human nature. Human nature is more along the lines of... "What a dick. I'm sooooo glad I don't have to live with him anymore".

 

I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, HN... really I am.

But you're living in la-la-land, regardless of whatever lip-service she offers you in attempt to 'keep the peace', if you think for even one minute that you're going to "make" her feel sorry by instigating these penny-ante little punishments.

 

I had a friend go down a similar path four years ago. We don't talk anymore. THAT's the price of bitterness. To this day, he's still practically stalking his ex. He ruined a subsequent relationship with a different woman who truly cared about him because of it. He's lost the support of friends and family members like me. And all because he let this 'bad thing that happened in his life' turn him into a complete a*hole.

 

If you continue down the path you're on... that's gonna be YOU.

And it's a sorry way to live your life, man. Every single day you invest in this mindset, takes you a little further down that road. Before you know it, you can't find your way back.

 

I don't want to be that person. I'm just so lost right now...I'm just floating out here in limbo and I don't even know what I should or shouldn't do anymore. Every decision is a polar opposite, and each one has rational reasons to do it.

 

Do I love her? Do I hate her? Do I act nicely towards her? Do I never speak to her again? Do I move on with my life? Do I continue to hope she comes back? This is what I'm faced with from the moment I wake up in the middle of the night until I finally close my eyes for the few hours of sleep I do get.

 

I don't care if she thinks I'm a dick...if she does that would just show how oblivious she is to reality, because I was the most loyal, honest husband a woman could ask for. How could anything that I've said or done even come close to comparing what she's done to me and to our family? Does it even matter? I've said the most heinous things to her when I was angry...but it really doesn't matter. I could never take her back. I wouldn't want her back. She's disgusting in my eyes now, just a filthy, disgusting, selfish pig. If she called me today saying she wanted to work it out, I wouldn't. The only path I see to getting over her is completely cutting her off, other than things having to do with my son, and that can be done through email.

 

Stalk her? Not a chance. I'm the one telling her to stay the hell away from me. If anything, based on convos I've had with my stepson's dad, when OM takes a hike and I've moved on with someone else, she'll likely be the one stalking me.

 

How do I let go of bitterness LJ? I don't know how. I can't forgive her, and I won't. Some things in life are unforgivable in my eyes, especially given her lack of remorse. Maybe this will change over time, but I can never see myself justifying what she's done. If it weren't for my son, I can honestly say she'd never see or hear from me again. Is that wrong? Why does someone so terrible deserve forgiveness? Maybe she needs to live with the guilt of never being forgiven by me so she doesn't do this to someone else (not OM though, because he deserves it). I'll get over it whether I forgive her or not.

[El-Producto]

Your problem is, you have to stop caring what she thinks. She hasn't been thinking about you for a while, so why would she start now. You have to let go.. or she's gonna drag you down with her.

[mammax3]

Gunny: "Think Samuari. A Samuari knows that he can have another's head in a second, but chooses grace, pose, control, self displince, tolerance. I would very much encourage you to take up the martial arts."

 

Thanks for posting that. That helps me a lot today. The only 'power' I have is how I handle myself. I have to remember that I don't need to live with him forever, but I'll always have me.

 

HN: "I'm just so lost right now...I'm just floating out here in limbo and I don't even know what I should or shouldn't do anymore. Every decision is a polar opposite, and each one has rational reasons to do it.

 

Do I love her? Do I hate her? Do I act nicely towards her? Do I never speak to her again? Do I move on with my life? Do I continue to hope she comes back? This is what I'm faced with from the moment I wake up in the middle of the night until I finally close my eyes for the few hours of sleep I do get."

 

Oh HN, I know. I know. It's been a month for me and I'm just getting more hurt and angry as time goes on. And I wake up in the middle of the night, angry and spitting and I look longingly at the phone, wishing I could just call him and ream him out. Wish that my words had the power to hurt him as much as he's hurt me and my kids (or will, when they 'get it'). I want to bonfire his clothes for the neighbors to see - i don't care if they know what a pr*ck he is!! I've got thousands of dollars of tools in the garage. I've still got his car. The path down to ugliness and anger is easy.

 

Oh, the teeth grinding powerlessness & seething anger I was feeling an hour ago. I had called him, and luckily he didn't answer. I wanted to call the OW but I didn't. I wanted to call his parents, but I didn't. I was so blind with anger I was just handing my kids cookies instead of lunch (which is very unlike me!) so they would leave me alone so I could seethe by myself. And then I came here...

 

and I read Gunny's Samurai post. And it really hit me. I need to keep my own head. And trust me, having useless anger with a 4yo and a 2yo and being pregnant is about as useless as one can get. I can't run around the block. I can't have a beer. The kids still need proper lunches and naps and diaper changes. There's no 'place' for me to go except into my own head. To relax and let it wash over me and feel myself getting stronger each time I can do that.

 

I just wanted you to know that I feel the *exact* same way you do. Really. But it's up to us how to react and control ourselves in a way that maintains our self-respect and dignity - things the OP/WS can't take or destruct in any way, if that makes sense.

 

[hurting_in_nw]

Thank you mammax. I can only imagine that what you are going through, given your situation with the kids and pregnancy, is much worse than what I am dealing with. To hear these words from you puts things in perspective, and if you can find the strength, I'm sure that I can. Thank you again.

[Gunny376]

Ultlimately you've got to forgive her ~ not for her sake ~ but for your own.

 

Otherwise as LJ said, you're going to end up walking around hating life and everyone in it ~ including yourself. Don't go through life dragging dead horses around! Bury them already!

[hurting_in_nw]

Ultlimately you've got to forgive her ~ not for her sake ~ but for your own.

 

Otherwise as LJ said, you're going to end up walking around hating life and everyone in it ~ including yourself. Don't go through life dragging dead horses around! Bury them already!

 

While this may be the case Gunny, I'm nowhere near being able to forgive her. At best I'm trying now to at least understand what is so wrong with her that she was capable of doing this.

 

Plus, there's the whole idea in my head now that forgiving her essentially gives her a 'free pass' on her behavior, and I simply can't do that right now. Keep in mind I'm not even two months from finding out about everything...I can't see forgiving her for all of this until I see some serious remorse and understanding on her part about just how wrong she was to do this to me. I will do my best to not let it get in the way of moving my own life forward. I believe that now that I've entered the depression phase, I will come to accept all that has happened, but I don't know how long that will take. Until I get there, I don't think there's any chance at forgiveness. There is just too much unresolved stuff between us, and since I can't stand to even see her right now, there won't be any resolution for some time.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Ultlimately you've got to forgive her ~ not for her sake ~ but for your own

 

 

That is exactly it! It's one of the hardest things I've had to do, but it can be done. Once you let go of that, life will look so much better. The pain might still be there in some way, but you won't care. There is too much life to live to let someone so selfish control you. The person you knew is gone, dead, or perhaps never even existed.

[PWSX3]

I want to bonfire his clothes for the neighbors to see - i don't care if they know what a pr*ck he is!! I've got thousands of dollars of tools in the garage. I've still got his car. The path down to ugliness and anger is easy.

The bonfire with the cloths is O.K. but give the tools to someone that LOVE'S TOOLS....(me,me!!!!) Joke, I just wanted to make you

Oh, the teeth grinding powerlessness & seething anger I was feeling an hour ago. I had called him, and luckily he didn't answer. I wanted to call the OW but I didn't. I wanted to call his parents, but I didn't. I was so blind with anger I was just handing my kids cookies instead of lunch (which is very unlike me!) so they would leave me alone so I could seethe by myself. And then I came here...

That is what is so good about this site, when you get these feelings don't follow thru with them, just come here and vent. Believe me it does help...

[Gunny376]

While this may be the case Gunny, I'm nowhere near being able to forgive her. At best I'm trying now to at least understand what is so wrong with her that she was capable of doing this.

 

Plus, there's the whole idea in my head now that forgiving her essentially gives her a 'free pass' on her behavior, and I simply can't do that right now. Keep in mind I'm not even two months from finding out about everything...I can't see forgiving her for all of this until I see some serious remorse and understanding on her part about just how wrong she was to do this to me. I will do my best to not let it get in the way of moving my own life forward. I believe that now that I've entered the depression phase, I will come to accept all that has happened, but I don't know how long that will take. Until I get there, I don't think there's any chance at forgiveness. There is just too much unresolved stuff between us, and since I can't stand to even see her right now, there won't be any resolution for some time.

 

That's all well and good ~ just so you fully comprehend the path that lays before you and the work to be done. In time we all have to "catch the bus to Mexico" (Shawshank Redemption) ~ and just let got of our past.

[mammax3]

HNW: "While this may be the case Gunny, I'm nowhere near being able to forgive her."

 

This'll take time. I'm not ready to forgive my WS either, but I have faith in myself that I will. That is something that you can give yourself, to have peace and rest in you. There's too many other emotions that have be experienced before you can 'let go'. More closures (esp. on paper re: agreements etc). It's hard to imagine why she left, and you'll tear yourself up if you try.

 

PWSX3: "but give the tools to someone that LOVE'S TOOLS....(me,me!!!!) Joke, I just wanted to make you "

 

Thanks! There's a nice toolbox too! One of the big stand up ones with all the drawers. I'll give ya a heads up when I'm ready to sell! It'll be a great price!

 

PWSX3: "That is what is so good about this site, when you get these feelings don't follow thru with them, just come here and vent. Believe me it does help..."

 

It does! I was just browsing around, trying to find some rest, and I came to HN's thread again, and it just fit with how I'm feeling today. And it really did help.

[azianpride143]

I think the goal right now for you would be to exercise a lot of patience. I know it's very hard to do given your situation. I am still full of anger. Yet I can control it now better than before. I know I can't control her and I have only control of myself. When you feel the need to vent don't show it to her. You need to channel it somehow, somewhere else. Plus take deep breaths. Believe me it helps.

 

Given my situation, I just want to shout out, punch, bitch and moan as much as I can. I do that when I'm alone. I take the time to grieve. But I also look forward to what my life will be. I know it could only be better since now I don't have anyone looking over my shoulder and telling me what to do.

 

We're here as well. LS has helped me a lot. Share with us. Remember you are not alone.

 

Show her the side that she will miss. Don't give her the satisfaction in the end. Just be emotionless, poker faced, and smart.

[sumdude]

 

We're here as well. LS has helped me a lot. Share with us. Remember you are not alone.

 

Show her the side that she will miss. Don't give her the satisfaction in the end. Just be emotionless, poker faced, and smart.

 

Kill 'em with kindness, that's an idea! Don't give away the farm though.

 

The very best revenge is to look totally happy that you're finally rid of them or at least nonplussed. You love your freedom. As if they're now really nothing at all and not worth wasting your emotional energy on anymore! BECAUSE THEY'RE REALLY NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE! Not worth killing yourself, destroying youself, breaking things, getting high blood pressure etc etc.

 

Just another woman/man out there in the world that has absolutely no control over you or your happiness. A mere aquaintence now... Who cares what they're doing as long as the kids are OK?

 

Can be a big hill to climb but the higher you get the better you can see the valley.

[mjayc]

I commend you for owning up to the ignorance of the faults you may have had throughout your marriage and your willingness to do whatever possible to reconcile. The truth be told, even if it DID work...this time...for how long? You don't need to waste your time on an empty marriage nor put those children through such disfunction. She seems to crave a certain amount of attention, and a marriage cannot sustain the type of romance and attention as in harliquin love novels, as we women would like for it to be. However; there are those of us who can seperate fiction to reality. Clearly your W is not one of those women.

 

You did all you can do. Now your priority relies on taking care of your son, and then yourself, in healing/mourning the death of your marriage, and then moving forward to better things. Good luck to you, and God Bless.