Mom against new relationship

[anewme]

Let me begin by saying that I am divorced (haven't seen him in about 2 years), have a master's degree, no children, a great job, etc. I moved across the country when my husband left me, back to the city that I grew up around, and met a man that I work with. We began dating about 7 months ago. Since we knew each other as friends first, we talked about what our relationship would be like (since we work together) and kind of weighed the chances of success before embarking, again, since we work together. We are both teachers.

 

My parents were very close to my ex husband. My mom was devastated by the divorce and though she won't admit, I feel she is still hurting and ashamed by the fact I am divorced. I had those feeling too, but I have been in weekly therapy for over a year now, and I think I have a handle on those feelings.

 

When they first met my boyfriend, my mom commented that she thought he was nice. Then, as things became serious my mom started harping on that he was "just" a teacher, and that men who go into teaching lack ambition, and that we would be poor in ten years. (My ex made a lot of money-that he liked to spend in strip clubs)

 

She has also cited other various reasons why we will not work out: her therapist says I can't possibly be over my ex, I am still changing (I'm 30), I don't know what I want, he will hurt me eventually, etc.

 

But the money is the main thing. She has even called my brother and cousin to appeal to them how I will be unhappy someday.

 

Now onto the boyfriend. A good, strong man. Well-educated. Fun and loyal and caring. I can't believe that there are men like this out there and that I got one! I think it's good karma after having been lied to and cheated on. He's about my age, a year away from getting his master's, tenured at our school, good family and excellent values in terms of money, family, etc. Good looking, respectful and of course, devastatingly handsome.

 

My mom is a very judgemental and unaccepting person (I can only imagine if I were gay-it might actually kill her). I am very liberal, accepting, hell, I even accept her feelings towards my boyfriend, all I ask and I have only asked this one thing: is that she asks me how he is. That is all. That was five months ago and she has never once mentioned his name. I find this disrespectful.

 

She is toxic to my mental health and when I spend time with her I am distraught for days and usually end up in tears. So because of this I have decided that I cannot see her, or that it should be only sporadically. She has interpreted this as me being uncaring and selfish and that if we don't have a relationship, then it will be my fault. And that this "guy", (who incidentally I want to marry and he is moving in with me next month!) is going to get in the way of our relationship. I haven't liked her since I was 15. But she refuses to accept responsibility. I told her that whatever her problem was with the way I was choosing to live my life was her problem, and that she was responsible for dealing with it, not me.

 

What the hell do I do? My therapist and friends say I can't really do anything, except learn how to deal with my feelings. She has no idea how much this distresses me. If I told her, she might say something like "It's because you know I am right". It distresses me because I know that she will never be the mom I wanted her to be and that I am not the kind of daughter she thought she would have. I don't really respect her as a person-if she were not my mom I would not befriend her.

[stillafool]

Yes it is sad that we do not chose our parents. My mother (now deceased) often made me feel small in various ways. I loved her dearly but felt that I had been freed when she died. I feel guilty about saying that but you know what I mean....no one to judge you. Mothers can say things to their daughters that we want to "roll off our back" but it doesn't because it cuts too deep. You are right to distance yourself if she makes you feel bad. Your friends are right you can't control your Mom as she is not going to change.

 

Your new boyfriend sounds very nice and I wouldn't let your Mom ruin it for you. If she sees that you are going to be happy with or without her it will make you feel so much better. Besides his values and morals are so much more important than his money. There are women who have husbands making 6 figure salaries who have to put up with affairs as well as other abuse, I know some of them. I would much rather have a husband who respects me and comes home to me at night than a huge paycheck.

[Guest]

I think it is very disrespectful for you to speak of your mother in that way. If a mom is concerned about a daughter or son in a relationship, it's not because they don't want you to be happy, but they are concerned. They may see something in that person that you don't. The things that come out of our mouths, and I'm talking about mothers, daughters, fathers and sons; we should really be careful.

 

You may not think you do damage when you speak horrible words to and about your parent or parents but you are the one that looks bad. People may not say it to your face, but the opinion that they give behind your back--believe me is quite different. The Bible speaks about honoring your father and mother so that your days will be long on this earth--I know most young people don't even consider that because they feel that they are invinsible--and you may not reap what you have sown against your parent(s), but the time will come and God will repay.

 

Instead of thinking your parents don't know what they are talking about and assuming that you have all the answers, why don't you just take the time to listen. You both can agree to disagree, but believe me the hurt that will transpire from harsh words will only cause separation. Yes you may say that this is what you want or that you felt better afterwards, but it will come back to bite you in the behind. So love your family while you have the opportunity to do so and let disagreements fly up in the air like ashes--no matter what anyone may say to you--there is really nothing like the love of a father and mother.

 

Dads aren't as maternal as moms and that's the reason why their response is not as profound. Moms carried you 9 months and nurtured you before and after you were born--they took care of you and yes sometimes they didn't make the right choices, but they did the best they could. You never know all that a mom goes through in raising children--they don't want you to know all of the hurt and trials and tribulations they've gone through, they only want you to remember the good times and if some of them are not so good--you can deal with it.

 

To be a perfect parent, children would have to be perfect and we all know that this is not realistic. So consider these things and then maybe you can be the big person who will ask forgiveness not only from God,but from your mom. I believe God always has a listening ear and even if your mom is gone or have passed, the message will be relayed through the heart of God. Take care and be blessed and always keep your heart open to receive what God has for you in every situation and circumstance.

 

From a Mom who loves her children very much and did the best she could, but yet has been verbally abused many times over, but I continue to pray because they are my children and I love them will all of my heart.

[umbo]

Dear Anewme

 

I read your post involving your relationship conflict with your mother. From what I gather your mother is concerned about your well being security and most of all your financial comfort. This is related to how she grew up and the values that are important in her, generation. And there lies the conflict and older generation values and principals vs the new feminism from our generation. Understand these differences you can better understand her view points and aspirations she has for her beautiful daughter. But Anewme can you really pick good men all these wonderful colorful things you said about your boyfriend you all said about your husband who you loved as well. Life is not fair, there will always be problems in marriages can your love stand the test of time? Please make sure your man is as good as you say he is. Why are you in therapy? You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Not having your mothers approval may hurt but is not life shattering plus she loves you so much. Hey good luck think about what I said and welcome to LS

[amaysngrace]

I think at your age you don't need parental approval for decisions you make with YOUR life. It's your life, not hers. Yes it would be nice if we could all just get along but sometimes that isn't possible.

 

If when you disagree and you want your opinion to be heard you could simply start out by saying something like "mom, you know I love you but..." This way it softens the blow some and you don't feel like a five-year old suppressing your feelings in the power of your mother. You still get to be heard and that's the most important thing.

 

I'm sure she has done things in her lifetime that you aren't proud of. She's only human. You've accepted it and moved past it. This means that although you are younger than she is you may in some ways be wiser.

 

As for teachers, my teacher sister married a teacher. They both hold their masters. They live in a big house, send both their boys to Catholic school, vacation as a family several times a year, in fact their last trip was to Rome over Easter break, the four of them, plus they have the summers off as a family. To me they have a good balance of quantity with an abundance of quality.

 

I have a mom and I am a mom. To me a parent who inflicts their own misery onto their children rather than takes joy in their children's happiness does need therapy. I'm glad your mom's getting help. Please encourage her to stick with that.

[Frances]

Parents are not here to live up to their childrens expectations and Children are not here to live up to Parents expectations.

 

The mother & daughter relationship is one of the most difficult relationships there are.

 

I was lucky with my mother, we loved each other dearly. I lost her when I was 26 years old and at times I still miss her over thirty years later.

 

I have a difficult relationship with my own daughter, I love her and I have watched her over the years make so many mistakes, ones I may have been able to prevent but did not because of trying to hold back the advice she would not have wanted to listen to. She has had her heart broken and I could see it coming and all I could do is be there when when it happened.

 

Mothers get a raw deal. They are expected to help when required but keep their mouths shut most of the time. We are human and have faults like the rest of humankind.

 

Have you any idea how hard it is to watch your much loved daughter make mistake after mistake when with just a little cop on it could be prevented. My daughter's exB was just not right for her and she wasted 4 years on him

 

When parents see something wrong with a boyfriend they are usually right, they are not looking at them through rose coloured glasses. In our case no spoke out but when it finished it was discovered that no one in the family plus her friends liked him.

 

Give your mother a break she her own problems and one of them is most likely being afraid that you will make another unwise choice. Give it time, it takes longer than 7 months to get to find out what someone is really like.

[quankanne]

I think some of y'all are forgetting the other part of the equation, that OP has found a man she trusts enough to commit to, and that's no small thing. Regardless of whatever problems her mother has with the relationship, it's OP's ultimate decision, not her mother's.

 

some advice: love your parents, but give them a wide berth when you see that their behavior is toxic or abusive. They love you because they're your folks, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're playing with a full deck. I've seen one relative, who I know loves her kids, spew hateful things about her daughter and SiL without stopping to think how that poisons her relationship with them – they spend the least amount of time possible with her, and they have very little respect for her. I've also seen my mom express her concern and worry about things, but ultimately trust her children to make the best decision possible even if she doesn't necessarily agree with them.

 

and that's what parenting comes down to: You do the best you can, then you let them go, offering support as your kids need it, not try to control their lives because you don't agree with what they're doing ...

 

new me – congratulations on your new love. I can't imagine how much hurt you've suffered in divorcing the person you thought you were going to build your life with, but I'm glad you found a good man to love.

 

as much as it conflicts you, my advice is to limit the contact you have with people whose relationships are soul-killers at best, even family. You are not being a bad daughter by trying to keep your sanity intact ...

[anewme]

I want to give an update to this. Okay, so I had kept them at arms length for several months, etc. We would see them for get togethers (With other family, never just the four of us). I resigned that maybe my mom didn't like my BF, and had to work in therapy to figure out how to NOT let that affect me since I am still striving for their acceptance. My dad insisted several times that it had NOTHING to do with my ex-husband. She insisted it as well. Well, I just found out last week that my mom met with my ex behind my back when he was in town to I suppose get some closure (?) to tell him how hurt she is (i posted in family "mom saw ex behind my back), so what do you all think?