Mom against new relationship

[anewme]

Let me begin by saying that I am divorced (haven't seen him in about 2 years), have a master's degree, no children, a great job, etc. I moved across the country when my husband left me, back to the city that I grew up around, and met a man that I work with. We began dating about 7 months ago. Since we knew each other as friends first, we talked about what our relationship would be like (since we work together) and kind of weighed the chances of success before embarking, again, since we work together. We are both teachers.

 

My parents were very close to my ex husband. My mom was devastated by the divorce and though she won't admit, I feel she is still hurting and ashamed by the fact I am divorced. I had those feeling too, but I have been in weekly therapy for over a year now, and I think I have a handle on those feelings.

 

When they first met my boyfriend, my mom commented that she thought he was nice. Then, as things became serious my mom started harping on that he was "just" a teacher, and that men who go into teaching lack ambition, and that we would be poor in ten years. (My ex made a lot of money-that he liked to spend in strip clubs)

 

She has also cited other various reasons why we will not work out: her therapist says I can't possibly be over my ex, I am still changing (I'm 30), I don't know what I want, he will hurt me eventually, etc.

 

But the money is the main thing. She has even called my brother and cousin to appeal to them how I will be unhappy someday.

 

Now onto the boyfriend. A good, strong man. Well-educated. Fun and loyal and caring. I can't believe that there are men like this out there and that I got one! I think it's good karma after having been lied to and cheated on. He's about my age, a year away from getting his master's, tenured at our school, good family and excellent values in terms of money, family, etc. Good looking, respectful and of course, devastatingly handsome.

 

My mom is a very judgemental and unaccepting person (I can only imagine if I were gay-it might actually kill her). I am very liberal, accepting, hell, I even accept her feelings towards my boyfriend, all I ask and I have only asked this one thing: is that she asks me how he is. That is all. That was five months ago and she has never once mentioned his name. I find this disrespectful.

 

She is toxic to my mental health and when I spend time with her I am distraught for days and usually end up in tears. So because of this I have decided that I cannot see her, or that it should be only sporadically. She has interpreted this as me being uncaring and selfish and that if we don't have a relationship, then it will be my fault. And that this "guy", (who incidentally I want to marry and he is moving in with me next month!) is going to get in the way of our relationship. I haven't liked her since I was 15. But she refuses to accept responsibility. I told her that whatever her problem was with the way I was choosing to live my life was her problem, and that she was responsible for dealing with it, not me.

 

What the hell do I do? My therapist and friends say I can't really do anything, except learn how to deal with my feelings. She has no idea how much this distresses me. If I told her, she might say something like "It's because you know I am right". It distresses me because I know that she will never be the mom I wanted her to be and that I am not the kind of daughter she thought she would have. I don't really respect her as a person-if she were not my mom I would not befriend her.