Shrink: male or female, what's better?

[RecordProducer]

I know this is a stupid, politically incorrect question, but I apparently have certain emotional tendencies and how I perceive the doctor might contribute to the success of the therapy.

 

I feel depressed and need to finally see a psychiatrist to help me cope. So what are your experiences with male vs. female shrinks? Which are more profound and understanding? The last thing I need is someone who will complicate my life even more or take things too lightly and get rid of me with a prescription of Prozac.

[Storyrider]

Hi RP. You and I seem to be leading parallel lives lately. I have also been trying to get up the motivation to see a shrink.

 

I've done this before, once briefly in high school when I was depressed, I saw a male.

 

And once again, briefly, in my early twenties when I was trying to break away from some of my parents' expectations, I saw a female.

 

Both were good because they did some analysis, some listening, and then gave practical, behavioral suggestions. I needed someone to just listen, but I also needed someone to motivate me to change negative thought patterns and behaviors and take new actions.

 

They both did this. I think good therapists are hard to find though. For me now, I have to use someone within my insurance plan, and I have no idea how to go about finding someone who fits my criteria.

 

Does your gut tell you to go for male or female?

[Art_Critic]

The few counselors I have seen have all been female but one..

 

The male I had trouble accepting his advice..

the females have all been great..

Maybe because in my family my Mom was the person that wrote the rules and who we listened to..

 

I went to see a counselor about a short temper a few years ago and I purposely went to a female because I knew she would cut right to the issue and I wanted to nip the issue quickly

[justagirlforever]

Personally I choose female. But to each their own and for their own reasons. Not that I don't trust a man's advice and not that I think I'll get a more sympathetic ear from a female.

Though do you honestly feel it's so severe that you need to see a Psychiatrist? And not a councellor or Psychologist?

[Porn_Guy]

a boy Dr. will know more about the drugs and a girl Dr. will be more empathic. maybe you can find one that is a hermaphrodite or undergoing a sex change operation (with hormone therapy of course).

 

My point is its really a draw RP. You can always get a 2nd and 3rd opinion. I know your hubby is loaded so $$$ is not an issue.

[JamesM]

Personally, a little over 15 years ago, I saw a male, and it worked out well. I think if I had seen a female, it would have been the same. I believe it was his personality not his gender that mattered.

 

My wife also saw two therapists. The first one was a female, and the second one was a male. Whether it was the gender or the personality, I am not sure, but she much preferred the male. He changed her life. the female wanted to control the seesions, and the male let her control the sessions.

 

I am more inclined to believe that the type of personality will be more of a concern rather than the gender.

[whichwayisup]

My therapist is female and she's wonderful. Very compassionate, and caring, yet she pushes me enough to get me to open up and really dig down deep inside me, to get the answers I need.

 

I hope you find someone, male or female, that you click with. It's really important to feel comfortable enough to open up and trust the therapist. If you don't 'fee' it's the right person, keep looking.

[whichwayisup]

a boy Dr. will know more about the drugs and a girl Dr. will be more empathic

 

WTF? A man DR will know more about drugs/meds than a female DR? What drug are you on man! LOL!

[RecordProducer]

Thanks for your replies, guys. I read them then I called the first one on the list, because he sounded Jewish (Cooperstein) . My gut told me to go for a male one, because I think a male would stress me less. I made an appointment for next Wednesday. He is actually a psychologist, but that's even better. I need to talk to someone and if my insurance company covers that, great. I need to talk to someone real, competent, and unbiased, who is on my side and whose job is to help me. Can psychologists prescibe medicine?

 

The kids have a week off school and we're not going on a vacation because of the emotional state I am in (I don't feel like going). I hold so much anger against my husband for everything I have been going through in the last year, that I am unable to talk to him without losing it and screaming hysterically and crying. And whether it's his family's fault or not, I need to get myself out of that place in my heart where I let some jerks define my happiness and my feeling of self.

 

I came here all alone with two children and what I faced was a husband with a fully accomplished life (nothing bad) who just needed a wife to complete his life. But I am alone, without anyone around, surrounded with people who hate me and want to throw me out and he considers them his closest family and puts them before me and in between us constantly. He refuses to take any blame in this and thinks I should fix myself. However, that's not the reason why I need a therapist; I need him to hear my story and explain to me why I am feeling this way and how I can get myself out of this dark place. I need a new, more professional perspective of my situation and my personality. I really, really look forward to the visit. If he sucks, I'll get another one, but I'll get help. I can't walk through this tunnel all by myself. I am strong enough to seek help; I need someone to work for my happiness.

 

Is this normal that I am feeling so down in this situation or is it abnormal? According to my husband, I don't know how good I have it. He prescribes everything to my "issues" and I prescribe at least 50% to this marriage (90% the in-laws problem) and the rest to the fact that I have a very sensitive nature and to the big change that happened last year when I moved to the US and left my family behind.

 

I spoke to my father last night and he told me that, as a mamma's boy, he understands his profile and it's not the family that interferes - it's HIM who holds onto them because of his fears. He said the chances for him to leave them are slim. He also said that there is no true and full happiness in life, that I should be happy with what I have and sacrifice for my children (I disagree), find a doctor to calm me down and get a job (I agree).

 

While young, couples spend years fighting and stressing out... then after 20 years they calm down and become friends, but then they cure the diseases caused by the numerous fights and stress.

 

My husband doesn't admit that he and his family have contributed to my psychological state. He says I can't be happy no matter what and I manufacture problems. Yet, he doesn't want to be in my situation - without his family. I'd like to see him in my shoes - being happy.

[whichwayisup]

Can psychologists prescibe medicine?

 

No, but usually psychologists are associated with a medical Dr who can prescribe meds.

 

Your husband is not very understanding, and doesn't see the emotional stress you've been suffering basically from day one since you moved to the US. Doesn't he realize that if everyone got along, and if his family had accepted you right away, you wouldn't be feeling like you are now? MOST of his family have made you feel like an outsider, and that just sucks. I commend your strength to keep going and trying.

[Art_Critic]

Can psychologists prescibe medicine?

 

 

No.. but they all are connected to someone they can send you too if you need something prescribed.

 

Good Luck.. I hope he helps..

 

Ps:

 

Your husband is a big jerk... if all the threads on here are any glimpse into your life then it is understandable why you are not happy

[RecordProducer]

Hi RP. You and I seem to be leading parallel lives lately. I have also been trying to get up the motivation to see a shrink.

Wouldn't it be great if you lived in my area? Just make that phone call. You have nothing to lose.

Though do you honestly feel it's so severe that you need to see a Psychiatrist? And not a councellor or Psychologist?

My dad had a severe depression and saw a shrink. He got a medication that got him out of it in no time. He is a happy man now and nothing has changed in his life except the chemicals in his brain. He thinks he got a psychological click in his mind by talking to some new friends, especially the one that told him he should do what makes him happy. However, I don't see that he does anything different now vs. before. I think it's the meds that helped. I am seeing a psychologist, just because he was first on the list that I called. No, it's not that severe, but it might start going downward spirally and transform me into a completely dysfunctional person. I want to go before it happens.

 

a boy Dr. will know more about the drugs and a girl Dr. will be more empathic.

I guess what you mean was that a male doctor will tend to prescribe medicine rather than dig too much into the chronological aspects. The thing is in a world of ideal therapists, I would not make any difference gender-wise, but since people are more often avergae workers than geniuses, I count on their personal flaws interfering with their jobs. Men seem less obsessed in general, unless they are stupid jerks.

I know your hubby is loaded so $$$ is not an issue.

My health insurance covers it so it's not an issue at all.

the female wanted to control the seesions, and the male let her control the sessions.

This is what I am talking about. Women take things more seriously and tend to complicate things even more when trying to resolve them. I need someone to simplify things for me, not to analyze my situation as if I am not intelligent enough to do it myself.

 

My therapist is female and she's wonderful. Very compassionate, and caring, yet she pushes me enough to get me to open up and really dig down deep inside me, to get the answers I need.

 

I hope you find someone, male or female, that you click with. It's really important to feel comfortable enough to open up and trust the therapist. If you don't 'feel' it's the right person, keep looking.

Yes, I need to click with them. I don't have prejudices about genders, I just have fears basd on my experiences.

 

I already feel better.

[RecordProducer]

Doesn't he realize that if everyone got along, and if his family had accepted you right away, you wouldn't be feeling like you are now?

I asked him this very question today. No, he thinks I will never be happy no matter what. Sure, this is like if a customer in your restaurant complained about getting a burnt steak and he order a raw one, and you come and tell him that he is just too picky and would never be satisfied no matter what he ate. He said he would be less happy if he only had me without his family, but he would make the best of it. If there is any word in the dictionary that makes my blood boil, it's the word "would" - it's spilled so easily as a fact and it only means "I never have, I never do, and I never will - but I would!"

 

MOST of his family have made you feel like an outsider, and that just sucks. I commend your strength to keep going and trying.WWIU, these words mean a lot to me and they brought tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart. Thank you so much! (even though you only hear one side of the story... but he has the chance to read about my feelings on LS - he is just not interested in going over my posts. Why do you think I write so freely about everything here?)

 

Good Luck.. I hope he helps..

 

Ps:

 

Your husband is a big jerk... if all the threads on here are any glimpse into your life then it is understandable why you are not happy

Thanks, Arty. I don't think he is a jerk, but I think he is too weak to let go off his family and they ARE jerks big time. He is also naturally not very sensitive and compassionate.

[Green]

where are you from again... Im writing book on these exact issues pain ... the thing thats going to stop this pain is if you can be snapped back into reality. Your a great person and so is your husband, dont forget how you felt about yourself and him, even if it was just for a split second when you made your decisions. Ive had men and woman shrinks and neither ever helped me but I think the jewish guy I had was the best kinda reminded me of the shrink in Analyze this played by mr city slickers himself billy crystal

[RecordProducer]

where are you from again... Im writing book on these exact issues pain ... the thing thats going to stop this pain is if you can be snapped back into reality. Your a great person and so is your husband, dont forget how you felt about yourself and him, even if it was just for a split second when you made your decisions. Ive had men and woman shrinks and neither ever helped me but I think the jewish guy I had was the best kinda reminded me of the shrink in Analyze this played by mr city slickers himself billy crystal

Thanks, KMT. I am from ex-Yugoslavia. Good luck with your book (hope you use the punctuation more properly while writing your book! ).

 

I am taking the kids to a pizzeria. I want to write my husband an email and I will post about a tarumatic event with 3 cops that happened to me last night.

 

I just realized why I scream as soon as I open my mouth in the last few days. If we assume that me taking the anti-smoking drug Chantix has nothing to do with it, given that I am not the kind of person who self-pities herself, but I rather convert my pain into anger, I think I came to a point where I am so hurt, so overwhelmed with pain, that the only thing I can do is scream. That's what people do when stabbed with a knife and that's how I feel emotionally. But I scream words, I fight back, because I can't go on like this.

[polywog]

Hi RP, I have seen several therapists over the years, a man (Jungian psychiatrist), a woman who happened to be a lesbian, an older striaght woman (an art therapist & it was amazing), and now a female social worker who is very good.

 

All of them were good, one I saw for 7 years who I did the bulk of my therapy with & she was incredible. When I was seeing her toward the end I ended up going on antidepressants, which has changed my life for the better, as I was clinically biochemically depressed. But not after doing a huge amount of work first.

 

I love your posts on other people's threads (including mine), and am dismayed to read about your marriage on this post. From what I can see you have every reason to feel down, it sounds like you are not equals in the marriage and that it's lonely for you.

 

This being said, I have a dear friend, a talented poet, who is in a troubled marriage (I know him, too and like him, tho he's nuts). She decided to take meds for her depression, and none of them work! All different kinds over the years! Gee, I wonder why? She and the husband have been to counseling, but in my opnion they have never faced the real problems in the marriage, and it bothers me that her shrink is just trying to use meds to make her happy. I hope that the shrink you choose doesn't try to do this for you without talk therapy, unless of course you suffer from clinical depression apart from problems in your marriage.

 

I wish you the very best, you've been a fave of mine since I joined LS, I like your brain!

[Member2]

I feel depressed and need to finally see a psychiatrist to help me cope.

 

I hope you feel better RP,

 

I'm glad that you called the Dr and I'm sure he can help.

 

I'll put in a good word for you myself.

[quankanne]

he thinks I will never be happy no matter what.

 

sorry, RP, but that's a very self-centered response ... if he was as concerned about your welfare as he claims to be, he'd help you get to a "better" psychological spot by examining the effect of his behavior/decisions on you. It's cause and effect, and the couples who seem to do better are the ones who are aware of each's behavior. Him expecting you – who gave up a home and country and a lifestyle to be his bride – to accomodate to every change, rather than meet you half-way is selfish. No one wants him to love his family less, just not have divided loyalties. YOU are his priimary family now.

 

I've not had formal counselling, but I when I do need to kick things over with someone, it's usually the person I feel most comfortable with. And that makes all the difference ...

 

good luck, and know that you'll be in my thoughts as you work through this.

 

hugs,

q

[johan]

I think I'd get a lot of benefit from visiting a (hot, single) female counselor about the same age as me. So the answer (at least for me) is female.

 

Good luck, RP.

[RecordProducer]

I hope you feel better RP,

Thanks, God and Johan!

 

he thinks I will never be happy no matter what.

 

sorry, RP, but that's a very self-centered response ... if he was as concerned about your welfare as he claims to be, he'd help you get to a "better" psychological spot by examining the effect of his behavior/decisions on you. It's cause and effect, and the couples who seem to do better are the ones who are aware of each's behavior.

Thank you, Quankanne. You've always been so kind to me. I want to use this occasion to tell you how enormously happy it make sme feel that there are people like you in this world. Believe it or not, when I am totally disappointed in people, I think to myself: "yes, but there are people like Quankanne and a few others from LS that make this world a place bearable to live in."

 

Him expecting you – who gave up a home and country and a lifestyle to be his bride – to accomodate to every change, rather than meet you half-way is selfish.

He doesn't see it that way. He thinks there are no problems except those in my head. He doesn't admit that his family causes any problems. He wants to maintain a close relationship with his family (they are intensely in our lives) and doesn't want me to be in his way. While I understand his need for this, I just realize that I am a fifth wheel, that his family rejects.

 

He doesn't realize that he has to choose between me and them. He does realize that he is expected to, but he is hoping that he can cowardly balance things somehow and lose whoever gives up first. He is unable to choose so he wants to let us - the two sides in war - to finish the war. One has to win or give up. And it's very likely for it to be me. He is deaf to my suffering. He will wake up when he hears the silence in the house. Then he will understand that they went so far that they kicked me out of his life. He also admits that this is a shame, because we do love each other. But he is unable to stand up to them and tell them that if they don't respect his wife, they don't respect HIM so we're moving far away from them. Now I know that those who see good in everybody and are in peace with everything are not genuine - they are just cowards who are afraid to get up and yell: "You are wrong!"

 

No one wants him to love his family less, just not have divided loyalties. YOU are his priimary family now.

He disagrees with you (me): he thinks hsi family is his dad, mom, brother, me, my kids, my sister-in-law, their kids, his dad's wife... He told me this when i asked him to say WHO he considers as his family.

[michelangelo]

Thanks, God and Johan!

 

He doesn't see it that way. He thinks there are no problems except those in my head. He doesn't admit that his family causes any problems. He wants to maintain a close relationship with his family (they are intensely in our lives) and doesn't want me to be in his way. While I understand his need for this, I

 

So let's for the sake of argument agree with your husband, that your problems are all in your head. That you've generated them internally, that no thing, no behavior on the part of anyone else has influenced these problems you are experiencing, especially anything he is doing.

 

Putting aside the utter absurdity of the above statement, even then, as a husband, he ought to want to help you find happiness if even for selfish reasons. If you are happy he reaps a reward, he has a happy wife with him.

 

Now, since we all know that much of what is contributing to your despair is the toxic interactions with his family and your isolation from your own family. Toss in his indifference to his complicity, you have how you feel at present.

 

I know how it is to have a willfully recalcitrant spouse who acts as though what they do doesn't occur and even if it did, it shouldn't have an impact on you.

 

BTW, all shrinks go to the same training. Just pick one and if it is a bad fit, try another.

[Starry-eyed]

RecordProducer, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're in. I can't imagine how awful it must feel to have a husband who puts his other family members first and to have in-laws that reject you. Add in a totally different country, well, that's just super, super tough. You obviously are very strong, though, to be coping at this point and be so articulate (in a non-native language) and so no-nonsense in your attitude and other posts.

 

I hope you are seeing a counselor now. I tend to prefer women counselors. I'm seeing one now and I just love her. She helps me enormously and I always feel better when I leave her office.

 

Things will get better for you, RP!

[a4a]

To be blunt your husband already has his life in order the way he wanted it. You are a add on. Sounds like he expects you to fit into the scheme of things regardless of any factors involved.

 

I think you need to see a shrink for you..... not for your marriage. You need to stop feeling like your life is under the control of others and take charge of it yourself.

 

A job/career may be the first step towards that.

[Teacher's Pet]

Of course, being the sane, normal, well-adjusted adult that I am who would NEVER need any sort of counseling.....

 

Excuse me.. *fit of coughing*

 

Sorry... foot got caught in my mouth.

 

Anyhow, I've always found it to be easier to open up to women than to men. I suppose having mostly all female friends kind of biases me this way, but you go to a counselor to find comfort, right?

 

My therapist that I was seeing last year was young (possibly younger than me, which was a little odd at first), but she had some of the same "nurturing" qualities as some of my closest friends, which made our sessions so much better.

 

Now that I think about it, I could have just paid one of my friends the $30 copay instead of having to make appointments all the time.

 

Ah well, whatever gets you through the day, right?

 

-tp

sane. or that's what the voices in my head tell me.

[Fleur]

I know this is a stupid, politically incorrect question, but I apparently have certain emotional tendencies and how I perceive the doctor might contribute to the success of the therapy.

 

I feel depressed and need to finally see a psychiatrist to help me cope. So what are your experiences with male vs. female shrinks? Which are more profound and understanding? The last thing I need is someone who will complicate my life even more or take things too lightly and get rid of me with a prescription of Prozac.

 

I think it depends on the sensititivities of the individual - both the patient and the person seeing them. Also on the issue - e.g. a woman abused by a man may work better with another woman.