soulseeker Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 I know this has been posted, but I am starting to feel as though I wont get over my ex until someone else comes into my life. I dont want him back, but I'm not really moving on completely either. Is this just because I dont have someone new in the "boyfriend position," so all of my thoughts about a boyfriend include him by default? Whenever I have a prospect that doesnt work out, I get sad about not having my ex in my life. Other than that, I am fine not having him around, no, I'm good with it. Anyone really move on without a new partner first? Thoughts? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 maybe some one new will help you move on, or maybe you'll miss him more. It all depends who that some one new is and how you feel about them. Chances are they will end up being a rebound person because your mind is tainted at this time and u may not go out with some one you would have if not in this state of being. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 Though it's an easy way to move on, I recommend against it. When I've done this I postponed dealing with the breakup, like a band-aid. The poor rebound person will suffer, and you won't grow stronger through the painful stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
panthera_leo Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 I think its the other way round... IMO, you have to fully move on from your ex to be happy with someone else. Right now you need alone time... some other person won't help you move on, it'll just delay it. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 You should get over it and have a new sense of "self". Needing another person means you need to be defined IMHO. Get some girlfriends for now. When you could care less about your X either way then is the time to find someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 I posted earlier, and you've had great advice from the people who posted after me. Just wanted to add that I would resolve to go for a year before even thinking about a relationship again, so you have time to heal. I know it sounds like some random formula, but IMHO it takes (at least) that long (my pals who've been through this agree) to regain yourself, and be ready to be fully there for the next one. Better and stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulseeker Posted March 31, 2007 Author Share Posted March 31, 2007 Thanks for the advice all. It has been six months since my breakup and I have grown so much in these last eight months...leaps and bounds. I dont feel like I need someone in my life, but it would be nice to find a special person to share my outlook on life with. I'm not lonely, or at least no more lonely than at any other point in my life. In fact, I'd say I am less lonely than I was in the relationship. I guess I just am starting to feel like there are certain parts of life, the things you only get in a relationship (and I dont mean just sex) that I'll associate with my ex until I am with someone new. Does that make sense? Is there anyway to cut him out of those parts? Maybe it hasnt been long enough, though I feel ready to date, just havent found anyone I'd like to make special to me. I feel if I did, it wouldnt be a rebound at this point. I've been going on dates for two months now and have had a lot of fun, actually. Kind of like mini rebounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 I know this has been posted, but I am starting to feel as though I wont get over my ex until someone else comes into my life. I dont want him back, but I'm not really moving on completely either. Is this just because I dont have someone new in the "boyfriend position," so all of my thoughts about a boyfriend include him by default? Whenever I have a prospect that doesnt work out, I get sad about not having my ex in my life. Other than that, I am fine not having him around, no, I'm good with it. Anyone really move on without a new partner first? Thoughts? Thanks Yes for some individuals it does take meeting someone new in order to move on from their ex, but that has a couple of negative effects. 1. It shows that one has become dependent on having a relationship. You need to be able to make yourself happy before you are involved with someone else. That person may not always be around so you need to make sure that you can manage on your own. 2. Moving from one person to another could be nothing more then a rebound relationship. Depending on the type of relationship with the ex, its never really that easy to truly get over someone. I would assume for the most part it takes months or even over a year to be truly over someone. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Well, it's complicated. Or not. Maybe not. You see, whenever I see something that I associate with love, I think of my ex. Of course... what else do I have to associate with my own experiences of romantic love, but her? Simple enough. I'm "over it" in the sense that I know I will never see her again. And I will never forget her. What will be different in another relationship, is that I will be thinking of that person when I think about love, and not my ex. So I think it would take a new relationship for me to "move on," in that sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Ok, call me weak, dependent, needy..call me whatever you want. But for me, YES it took someone new for me to move on. But not just anyone new. It took finding the RIGHT one for me to move on. Lucky for me that I found my "right one" three days after leaving the ex. Had I not, yep I would have been pining for what could have been but never was. You decide if it was a rebound or not. We'll be celebrating our 12th anniversary this June. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Ok, call me weak, dependent, needy..call me whatever you want. But for me, YES it took someone new for me to move on. But not just anyone new. It took finding the RIGHT one for me to move on. Lucky for me that I found my "right one" three days after leaving the ex. Had I not, yep I would have been pining for what could have been but never was. You decide if it was a rebound or not. We'll be celebrating our 12th anniversary this June. Thats why I said that it COULD be......... Doesn't apply to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Ok, call me weak, dependent, needy.. You are weak, dependent, and needy. What's so bad about that?! You decide if it was a rebound or not. Sure, it was a rebound. But sometimes you just have to commit to your mistakes. Life is all about taking responsibility. And sex, of course. Any way you can get it. Anyway, 11 years, and you're still bouncing. Extra cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Since I was seventeen I have never been in a relationship that wasn't a rebound. The last one, with my H., we at least started out spending months at a time apart, so it was a bit more like being single, as I was alone. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Since I was seventeen I have never been in a relationship that wasn't a rebound. Yeah, well... it doesn't help that you're hot. You could have tried dressing down, or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Yeah, well... it doesn't help that you're hot. You could have tried dressing down, or something. You always know just what to say. Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 I think it depends on the relationship you are getting over... I was with, J, for almost 3 years, within 2 weeks of me breaking all contact with him I met a new guy, M, we didn't start dating for over a month but he was there and distracted me from all the crap J put me through. I honestly think that I would still be a little (maybe a lot) hung up on J if someone else hadn't come into my life, M or someone else. After a little over 3 months M is now out of my life and I could care less, we were both basically each others rebound, neither of us expected it to last, at least I am not hung up on either of them now Link to post Share on other sites
messed-mind Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 I tried dating immediately after I broke up with a long termer, and all I did was date girls a few times then say "sorry i can't do this" because my ex was very much fresh in my mind. It didn't help that I wasn't into any of them that much either, but I forced myself to do it to try to get my ex out my head. I look back now and think "what an *******" because a few of these girls really did like me. It wasn't until I met a new girl about 8 weeks later that I started to feel better. Even then, I knew she was a rebound, but she had her own issues (she was mental and emotionally unavailable) so it made it easy to have a casual sex relationship with little commitment for a good month or two. Had she wanted a fully committed relationship, I don't think I would have been ready. About 6 weeks of casualness went by, and she called it off citing that I wasn't treating her like girlfriend material. When she called it off, I realised how much I actually did like her and I then I realised I was getting over my ex. So yes, for me I had to meet someone new to move on, but even then it took a long time to adjust and I had to take it really slow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulseeker Posted March 31, 2007 Author Share Posted March 31, 2007 Well, it's complicated. Or not. Maybe not. You see, whenever I see something that I associate with love, I think of my ex. Of course... what else do I have to associate with my own experiences of romantic love, but her? Simple enough. I'm "over it" in the sense that I know I will never see her again. And I will never forget her. What will be different in another relationship, is that I will be thinking of that person when I think about love, and not my ex. So I think it would take a new relationship for me to "move on," in that sense. This is where I am coming from. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Tormented Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Anyone really move on without a new partner first? Thoughts? I've been out on a few dates now since my breakup 7 months ago. In fact, I went on one today. My conclusion? Dating does NOT help you forget your ex or move on. Nope, that comes from within. I think we are influenced to date with the belief (largely advocated by friends/family/society) that if we get out there and meet/date others, our lives will somehow blossom into this new-and-improved existence. That finding a "new" mate will be the cure-all. And people mean well with this advise, but the problem here is....it doesn't always work. In fact, it doesn't work most of the time. I'm not saying it NEVER works, but the odds aren't good. Speaking from my experience, I found myself thinking about my ex when out on these dates. Especially so if I felt no "sparks" and the conversation was strained at best. Oh, I suppose I could have "settled" for the sake of having a new partner, but really, that's not fair to this new person nor me. And if the love isn't there, TRUE love, that is - then good chances are you'll find yourself thinking back to the love you felt for your ex because it was genuine. Personally, I think it's a bad idea to seek a "replacement" for your ex as a way to heal. It's a lose-lose situation...for both the new person and you. The ONLY sure-fire way to heal is....time. Damn hard, I know. But really, it's the only way to go. ~T~ Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Sometimes, the trick is not 'someone' new but rather 'something' new. I love gardening, and art projects. This is what I turn to after a heartbreak. Much better then hurting some 'innocent' when I haven't found my inner strength yet. Personally, I find folks who go from relationship to relationship rather weak (for me a RED FLAG, the proverbal fence, urgh....fence sitters#@@!@#) ...in that IMHO they are too weak to deal with the failure of the past, deal with it, put it to rest and become ready to move on. This for anyone takes action, or time alone. Time to deal with your own demons. Alot of people in the world cannot do this, I have come to learn. Sad as this tiny time in our lives of introspection or removing a tiny splinter of pain could make us all better for our next partners. I've said it before but it never ceases to amaze me the lengths some folks will go to escape themselves, when really in the end all we have are our ourselves. Humanity is sometimes very sad. I could take weeks, months ...for me about a year until I know I am able and strong enough (emotionally) to entertain the thought of having a new lover. I guess my point is that maybe you should find your footing (who you are, and like who you are, even if it's alone) before you invite another soul to share your heart. In the end all you have is yourself, learn to like her/him, love her/him then maybe someone worthy will share a path with you for a time. If not, so what? You still have you. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Humanity is sometimes very sad. Only sometimes? I think you're in denial. You still have you. That's so true. I can get wet just thinking about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Each person has to deal with things in their own way. Some rebound, others regain equilibrium before venturing into anything. I'm the latter where I prefer to get back as much of myself as I can before going into anything new. I'm uncertain of the rebound statistics but it's not something I feel comfortable doing. It seems unfair to the next person to go into a relationship when you're not whole yet. On the other hand, if you want to date in a non-serious fashion, it can't hurt anyone, as long as it's understood upfront. Having fun is always a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 It seems unfair to the next person to go into a relationship when you're not whole yet. Maybe they can help you get whole again. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Maybe they can help you get whole again. Perhaps. It depends on how far along you are in your healing process and the type of person you are. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Perhaps. It depends on how far along you are in your healing process and the type of person you are. Love can cure anything. If you have the patience. Link to post Share on other sites
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