Does it take someone new to move on?

[Trialbyfire]

No...no it can't. I found that out by experience.

[pelagicsands]

No...no it can't. I found that out by experience.

I guess one must be willing to receive it.

[Trialbyfire]

I guess one must be willing to receive it.

Love is interesting in that both parties must give and receive. If one party takes or receives far more, there is no equilibrium, causing the relationship to topple.

[polywog]

 

I'm "over it" in the sense that I know I will never see her again. And I will never forget her.

 

Never, ever see her again? Not even as an old friend? That seems so painful, and so terribly final

[pelagicsands]

Never, ever see her again? Not even as an old friend? That seems so painful, and so terribly final

Tell me about it. I hate thinking I'm going to the grave without being able to say another word to her.

 

Overly dramatic? Well, I am getting to the point where I am just going to have to live with it. Whether she is aware of it, or not, I will always love her.

[polywog]

Tell me about it. I hate thinking I'm going to the grave without being able to say another word to her.

 

Overly dramatic? Well, I am getting to the point where I am just going to have to live with it. Whether she is aware of it, or not, I will always love her.

 

I don't know if you are being overly dramatic, I don't know what happened to you, or her. But if you're the one who has chosen never to see ot talk to her again, wouldn't you reconsider?

 

For me, losing contact with exes is like losing a part of my history, which is perhaps a selfish thing, but also I always love anyone I ever loved, and still hold them in there someplace. It's been good to have contact sometimes after the painful stuff is past. I've been told, tho, that I am an exception this way. Don't know. Maybe I never really get over anyone.

[pelagicsands]

But if you're the one who has chosen never to see ot talk to her again, wouldn't you reconsider?

Yes. I can't imagine thinking the way she does. Not that I know exactly what that is. I can only assume she feels complete indifference. And that there is nothing positive about having me in her life.

 

I can't say that makes me feel much good. It hurts a lot.

[polywog]

Yes. I can't imagine thinking the way she does. Not that I know exactly what that is. I can only assume she feels complete indifference. And that there is nothing positive about having me in her life.

 

I can't imagine that she feels complete indifference. Only that there is something that happened that made her hurt so much that she needs to have no contact, or that perhaps she is just one of those people who stuff feelings away into a little box in their souls.

 

But surely if you loved each other once, she can't be void of any feelings for you! As for "nothing positive about having you in her life", maybe your absence has made it so painfully clear that you were, that she's afraid to look.

 

I am just speculating, since I don't know the story and can't relate to her actions as you've described them. I'm just so not that able cut anything off that way, it's a different universe.

 

I am thinking that perhaps you corrected her spelling too often.

 

 

I can't say that makes me feel much good. It hurts a lot.

 

It sucks. I hate that you have to hurt

[pelagicsands]

, or that perhaps she is just one of those people who stuff feelings away into a little box in their souls.

Maybe this one.

I am thinking that perhaps you corrected her spelling too often.

 

That's the scary thing - she had perfect spelling. She actually corrected mine. Yes, she was that good.

It sucks. I hate that you have to hurt

That's very sweet of you. I admit that there have been many times I just wanted my life to be over. I guess I got past it by thinking that she wouldn't want me to give up. I mean, she did so much for me that I can't even begin to explain it. I owe so much to her, and I am so grateful that we crossed paths. She's amazing.

 

Anyway, you can't change the past. Maybe life would be easier if we'd never met, maybe I wish we hadn't complicated things by crossing the boundaries of friendship. I wish she had never felt pain because of me, that's for sure. But my happiest times in life were those spent with her.

[polywog]

That's very sweet of you. I admit that there have been many times I just wanted my life to be over. I guess I got past it by thinking that she wouldn't want me to give up. I mean, she did so much for me that I can't even begin to explain it. I owe so much to her, and I am so grateful that we crossed paths. She's amazing.

 

Anyway, you can't change the past. Maybe life would be easier if we'd never met, maybe I wish we hadn't complicated things by crossing the boundaries of friendship. I wish she had never felt pain because of me, that's for sure. But my happiest times in life were those spent with her.

 

You just painted the picture here of what a great love is, and it made me ache to read it.

 

I wish with all my heart for you to find it again, and that it lasts forever.

[polywog]

Hi pelagic, just on a break from work, came back to this stolen thread beause i saw your green light on to say:

 

(((pelagic))), (those manly type hugs) hope you are OK today.

[Zapbasket]

I don't know if you are being overly dramatic, I don't know what happened to you, or her. But if you're the one who has chosen never to see ot talk to her again, wouldn't you reconsider?

 

For me, losing contact with exes is like losing a part of my history, which is perhaps a selfish thing, but also I always love anyone I ever loved, and still hold them in there someplace. It's been good to have contact sometimes after the painful stuff is past. I've been told, tho, that I am an exception this way. Don't know. Maybe I never really get over anyone.

 

I'm so glad someone said this. I don't know how someone can cut someone out of their lives and I don't really believe anyone can "get over" someone they once loved deeply. I dunno...I'm going through the breakup of a serious, long-term relationship for the first time, and I can't imagine not feeling love for my former partner. And a lot of what I'm grieving right now is the loss of the continuity in my life; I shared more with this person than with anyone, and felt he was like family...permanent, even if very frustrating at times. I really don't get the notion so frequently tossed around by well-meaning folks that "you'll move on to someone better" and "the best thing you can do is just get over him." Sometimes there is no "better," only greater wisdom from within that enables you to deal with the same relationship crap "better."

 

But then, I'm someone who thinks all breakups, borrowing breakups of abusive or other types of egregious, dangerous, or incompatible (I want kids, he doesn't, etc.) relationships, are immature--particularly when the two parties involved really love each other.

[polywog]

I'm so glad someone said this. I don't know how someone can cut someone out of their lives and I don't really believe anyone can "get over" someone they once loved deeply. I dunno...I'm going through the breakup of a serious, long-term relationship for the first time, and I can't imagine not feeling love for my former partner. And a lot of what I'm grieving right now is the loss of the continuity in my life; I shared more with this person than with anyone, and felt he was like family...permanent, even if very frustrating at times. I really don't get the notion so frequently tossed around by well-meaning folks that "you'll move on to someone better" and "the best thing you can do is just get over him." Sometimes there is no "better," only greater wisdom from within that enables you to deal with the same relationship crap "better."

 

Amen. Love is not like some linear process where you go up a ladder to some abstract "better", IMHO. I've had a few serious LTRs and one marriage, and I will say that I did learn things about myself and what I need in a relationship, but then I'm in flux, as I age and enter different stages of life. What was great 10 years ago is not so much now. I hold past loves in my heart because they were a part of who I was back then, and what I loved. Kind of a map of my heart's life, they're in my geography.

 

Plus, like I said, once I love someone, I never really stop feeling a thread to them. What I loved is what I loved! As long as they live, there will be that thread of fondness from me to them, to their best selves.

 

But then, I'm someone who thinks all breakups, borrowing breakups of abusive or other types of egregious, dangerous, or incompatible (I want kids, he doesn't, etc.) relationships, are immature--particularly when the two parties involved really love each other.

 

I know, I sort of feel like that too. The weird thing is tho that I think that the big muddy stream of life just sweeps us up and sh*t happens to derail us, like the end of love. So I blame that friggin' stream! Fate or whatever.

Life is really a delicate proposition, when you think about it!

[Storyrider]

Plus, like I said, once I love someone, I never really stop feeling a thread to them. What I loved is what I loved! As long as they live, there will be that thread of fondness from me to them, to their best selves.

 

I love the way you put this poly. I feel exactly like this too.

 

My H. says this makes me fragmented and that my heart is sectioned off in chambers. He resents it to an extent.

 

Strangely, I am more or less cut off from all my exes (shxt, and a lot of them live in Texas! )

 

H. insisted that I stop contact with the last two. I understand why. One of them I was still involved with when I met him.

 

The one who cut contact with me I haven't spoken to in 15 years, and I still have dreams about him from time to time. And of course in the dreams he is stil twenty years old and beautiful. In half the dreams he is loving to me, and in half the dreams he snubs me.

[Zapbasket]

I know, I sort of feel like that too. The weird thing is tho that I think that the big muddy stream of life just sweeps us up and sh*t happens to derail us, like the end of love. So I blame that friggin' stream! Fate or whatever.

Life is really a delicate proposition, when you think about it!

 

Yeah, I understand that and accept it to a degree, but sometimes I honestly think it shouldn't be so easy for people to just up and leave when things get hard, or boring, or whatever. I'm angered that my partner of 5 years thinks he "has no obligation" to discuss things with me so I can have some closure and not just his blaming words ringing in my head--it's true he has no obligation but I can't understand not FEELING some obligation. People throw people away thinking that what's past stays there, but it follows us everywhere, forever, so why not try to leave no regrets? When I met and fell in love with my partner at age 25, I thought I was going to be one of those lucky ones who has a life-long love, and it just felt "right" to me, someone with consummate idealism and who is very loyal. This is all so foreign to me I feel a part of me has been killed forever.

 

Which is all to say, sh*t may happen, the muck of life may wash us over, but people are not expendable and nor are they shackles. I think the sexiest things in the world are commitment and and devotion in love, through all the crap.

[polywog]

My H. says this makes me fragmented and that my heart is sectioned off in chambers. He resents it to an extent.

 

Strangely, I am more or less cut off from all my exes (shxt, and a lot of them live in Texas! )

 

My exH (way past) gave me a lot of grief about keeping in touch with my old exes. He happened to be a very jealous and controlling man, though, who never felt like I loved him enough (despite that I did with all my heart!). That was him, tho, and it eroded something in me. I do not mean to say that this is what's happening with your H, btw.

 

Ironically, he kept in touch with his exes and I loved them. I even stayed in touch with several of them after our divorce! Even tho he didn't! I drove him nuts by saying when I met them "why on earth did you Dump Her??"

 

It's worth noting that my exH was involved with someone (a really great woman) when he met me, who he dumped for me. I suspect he was projecting.

 

H. insisted that I stop contact with the last two. I understand why. One of them I was still involved with when I met him.

 

The one who cut contact with me I haven't spoken to in 15 years, and I still have dreams about him from time to time. And of course in the dreams he is stil twenty years old and beautiful. In half the dreams he is loving to me, and in half the dreams he snubs me.

 

It's funny, me too... I dream about your ex...

 

No seriously, I have an ex who was very hurt by our break-up (I broke up w/him, suddenly and crazily) and he chose not to maintain any contact. I can't say I blame him, but we had a 5yr relationship all through college and I was crazy about him. I still maintain to this day that if I smelled him (he had a musky distinctive smell) or saw him (he looked like Dustin Hoffman) my heart would leap. I feel a real big hole from our lack of contact all these years, and also dream about him. I googled him (I love the cyberstalking potential of the internet) and he seems to be married, and a member of a cult, puzzling! The cult, not the marriage.

 

Anyhow, geez. Have you ever discussed this stuff with your H?

[polywog]

Yeah, I understand that and accept it to a degree, but sometimes I honestly think it shouldn't be so easy for people to just up and leave when things get hard, or boring, or whatever. I'm angered that my partner of 5 years thinks he "has no obligation" to discuss things with me so I can have some closure and not just his blaming words ringing in my head--it's true he has no obligation but I can't understand not FEELING some obligation. People throw people away thinking that what's past stays there, but it follows us everywhere, forever, so why not try to leave no regrets? When I met and fell in love with my partner at age 25, I thought I was going to be one of those lucky ones who has a life-long love, and it just felt "right" to me, someone with consummate idealism and who is very loyal. This is all so foreign to me I feel a part of me has been killed forever.

 

Which is all to say, sh*t may happen, the muck of life may wash us over, but people are not expendable and nor are they shackles. I think the sexiest things in the world are commitment and and devotion in love, through all the crap.

 

Geez, do I ever agree, despite my pseudo (well, kind of serious) philosophical metaphor. I am in the same boat, I think, that you are. I am flabbergasted that my SO, now ex, threw away a life we had together for 9 yrs, that was rich and sweet and beneficial to both of us in ways too numerous to mention.

 

Not giving reasons is cowardly. "No obligation" sounds like some crap to side-step feelings, and responsibilty. IMHO, you are Owed an explanation. But please note; my ex has given me a reason which is just fake and stupid, (stated in other posts of mine, I'll tell you if you want) so you might expect the same evasiveness (or dunderheadednes) if you press him. Which might qualify in his mind as a " real reason" to end it.

 

I do feel expendable as a result of my ex's breaking up with me, and, yes, pissed off. Like my view of what's good and right and happy is nothing! Geez, there are more angry and painful things I could muse about, but... maybe another thread. Maybe. Might just be boring and self-indulgent.

 

Anyhow, enough of my venting... getting back to you, I wish I knew more of the history of your relationship & break-up. Have you started a thread?

What happened and why?

[Zapbasket]

Anyhow, enough of my venting... getting back to you, I wish I knew more of the history of your relationship & break-up. Have you started a thread?

What happened and why?

 

Yeah, I started a thread in the "Breakups, Reconciliation..." section. I am just so confused: did he really love me? Did I put up with stuff I shouldn't have? What makes it all particularly confusing is that we were in a LDR from September 2003 until Sept. 2006, when he moved all the way across the country to be with me. We had talked about this moment for the previous three years, and then 2 months into finally being together, he ends it. And now I feel I'll never really know whether all the sacrifices and pain of the LDR were worth it; I held on only because I felt confident we were going to marry and be together "forever." I really did. Anyway, it's all in the thread; I'd love to hear your feedback.

 

I hear you on the leaving after 9 years thing. I don't know the specifics but at that point, a split seems so unnecessary: can't both parties find a way to find happiness within the space of the relationship? But that's my idealism talking, I guess.

 

He did give me reasons, in the same awful, final e-mail in which he said he "had no obligation" to discuss things with me. They are legitimate reasons to break up with someone, I guess, but given he came here and gave us only 2 months, while I was looking for and starting a job and finishing my thesis and he was adjusting to his job and we were adjusting to being suddenly in the same city and having to negotiate things we'd not had to worry about the past 3 years, I think he was a total wimp for bailing so soon. Of course we were arguing a lot; any ONE of those transitions create stress in relationships. Or so I try to assure myself. It seems to me that he threw everything away and the past 5 years feel like a joke. I gave up a whole lot the past three years to be available EVERY NIGHT at 9/10pm so we could talk. I missed him and being apart like that was hell. To have it all thrown in my face just kills me. There's more to the story but my posts already all are too long!

 

I'm now going to look for your thread with the story of your breakup. I hope you're coping better than I am

[polywog]

I'm now going to look for your thread with the story of your breakup. I hope you're coping better than I am

 

Sister, I'm going to seek out your threads! To be continued, somewhere!

 

Coping better than you? We'll see....

[Storyrider]

..and also dream about him. I googled him (I love the cyberstalking potential of the internet) and he seems to be married, and a member of a cult, puzzling! The cult, not the marriage.

 

Yeah, I googled mine and it helped a lot with the dreaming (it doesn't happen very often now) and with my feelings of inadequacy. I saw a recent picture of him, and it helped my minds eye to picture him more realistically, rather than how he looked when I last saw him back in 1989?! Holy cr*p, I am old! He was only my second boyfriend.

 

Anyhow, geez. Have you ever discussed this stuff with your H?

 

There is no mystery. He is just a big fan of NC, although without ever having heard the term.

[pelagicsands]

There's more to the story but my posts already all are too long!

I made it this far, but I almost fell asleep several times. I'm going to have a rest, now. Thanks for the tip... I'll try skimming you in future.

[nocturnal_kiss]

I made it this far, but I almost fell asleep several times. I'm going to have a rest, now. Thanks for the tip... I'll try skimming you in future.

 

I'm sure it is well worth the read.