Controlling/verbally abusive guy?....long... pls read

[sweetscarlet]

I'm going to try posting one more time on this forum before giving up (my last threads in other sections never got replies at all).

 

I was in a LDR and the guy seemed wonderful. He wasn't perfect but he clicked with me, was funny, charming, intelligent, etc.......

 

I had a lot that held me back at first, however. He was newly divorced (and you don't need to tell me about that part....I know all about the problems with it....so please don't focus on that here. In fact, he had to really convince me to even talk to him). Ok, here's the part where I REALLY get stupid. He told me how he doesn't think he can be monogamous at this point. He also says how he tends to start a relationship before ending one. I attribute this to the newly divorced part and I tell him what I think of it which isn't too favorable. Ok, I know this part sounds bad, but this isn't what this thread is really about, so I prefer not to focus on it here that much.

 

Well the guy was fun to email and talk to and we really clicked plus he lived quite a ways away so I figured why not talk to him. I made it clear that I don't get too involved with guys who are involved with others. I made it clear that when he comes to town in two months, I won't be any one or two night stand.

 

As time goes on, he prods me to open up more and more. He asks me tons of questions. He wants to meet me and plan a trip to see me or have me come there. He is due to come to my city in a few months (at the time we met). I'm reluctant. He calls and emails me all the time and tells me how I'm far above any other. And he really sounds sincere....and I'm pretty cynical. He tells me how we'd work things out if we click when we meet. He tells me that he could see committing for me. I finally begin to open up and start to want to tell him things and plan things instead of him having to convince me.

 

This is when he changes. I can't say if the change was due to the fact that I changed or due to something else going on. One night we had a 3 hour phone conversation which was great. After that he was distant from then on.

 

He's very smart, educated, successful and talented. I'm very smart and educated but not very successful---just average. He starts to cut me down. I had lost my job right before he first contacted me and during the time I knew him, I'd gotten two job offers in those two weeks after losing my job.

 

After he'd been starting to cut me down (in subtle ways), I mentioned how he doesn't give me any credit for things and mentioned how I'd gotten the two job offers and how some people don't get any for months and I said that all he had said to me at the time was he wanted to know what job I was going to go for next (because he didn't think those job offers were that esteemed). When I told him how he didn't give me credit about getting those job offers--and subsequent job, he said that while I am good at some things, the career stuff just wasn't praiseworthy. I acted amazed that he said that and he continued to say how it wasn't praiseworthy and that he's sorry but he's not going to give me praise for that.

Later when I brought up that he said this to me, he told me that it was me who had dragged that comment out of him.

 

Another thing that he didnt' like was that I wasn't an experienced traveller. At first when he talked about us planning a trip, he said that he'd show me all these sites in this one particular city. I didn't want to meet in a strange city. I wanted to meet when he came to my city and then think about taking a trip somewhere together after that (due to the distance where we live). He said I should be more adventurous and should just do it. He said he likes people who "embrace life" and likes to see someone who says "Great, let's see how we can go about it." Well, I had just gotten a new job and I told him how I couldn't just take days off yet. He told me that I was making excuses.

 

Anyway, we then planned on taking the trip after we'd met (in my city) instead of before. I finally got into it and started checking out flights. I told him about it. Considering that I'm afraid to fly (and he knows that), this was a big step for me. (I truly plan to get over my fear--with or without him).

 

When I told him I looked up flights he told me that wasn't enough. He said that I needed to get travel books and plan what to do when we get there. I said that since he's been there before, it'd be better if he could show me some things. He coldly said that he doesn't want to be a tour guide and I need to study travel books. I said that maybe he could tell me the things there and I could pick them (ahead of time) since talking to someone who has been there would probably be better than me looking at books. He said I can talk to someone else about what there is to do in that city but it won't be him.

 

He said that at our age, most people know how to plan a trip. Basically he was letting me know that it was not up to him to get me up to par with everyone else. It was as if he was disappointed in me that I wasn't a well seasoned traveller.

 

Anyway, these kind of comments started to increase. It wasn't how he was at all when I first started talking to him.

 

When I would try to voice my feelings to him on the phone about how this made me feel, he'd want to dismiss them or say he had to get going. I would put them in an email and he would tell me how upsetting my emails were. He would respond by saying how he is tired of explaining himself (which he never did) and how he is tired of my criticisms and how they sting.

 

Well last week after an email of mine, he decided to take a break. I think he wanted to end it. I had gotten myself psyched up to meet him and psyched up to go on a trip and I feel so let down now. And I feel like if I had been more successful or more worldly, this wouldn't have happened.

 

I wonder if he treated me that way just so that I'd leave and he wouldn't have to end it. I wonder if he treats others as badly or if it's just something about me.

 

Well, I guess before writing anymore, I'll see if anyone replies......

[quankanne]

while there may be some credibility in the "run before they leave you" theory, this is a red flag:

 

I finally begin to open up and start to want to tell him things and plan things instead of him having to convince me. This is when he changes.

 

sounds like he's interested in the chase, and a false image he has of the person he met online, rather than you for you, yes? Kind of like some kind of hunter looking for prey and setting up decoys and traps to catch you, then punishing you for not being a "good enough" specimen.

 

you can meet interesting people online, most of whom end up as pleasant acquaintences, and a small semi-handful who actually may develop into dear friends. Establishing a romance online is iffy at best, because it's so easy for someone to hide behind a persona and trick another person who is honest as the day is long, which is what this sounds like.

 

seriously consider dropping contact with this person – you shouldn't have to invest time or energy in a relationship that is a means for someone to belittle you. You deserve much better than that.

[quankanne]

how the heck did a winky face attach itself to my post? I promise you, that was not intentional.

 

q

[sweetscarlet]

Well here is a paragraph I tried to add but it told me it was past the time to edit the post.....

 

 

When I told him that he had told me previously (in great detail) how he was going to show me this and that site in that particular city, he told me to delete what he had said previously. In other words, at one point, he told me how he show me x, y and z. And the next time he told me that basically that conversation never existed.

[quankanne]

seems to me he's messing with your mind ... not good news at all!

[sweetscarlet]

sounds like he's interested in the chase, and a false image he has of the person he met online, rather than you for you, yes? Kind of like some kind of hunter looking for prey and setting up decoys and traps to catch you, then punishing you for not being a "good enough" specimen.

 

 

 

Well, I guess that makes me wonder though if I'm just going to be a disappointment to people then. I mean, based on my education and how I write (believe it or not, I get quite witty), they expect someone successful and well travelled.

 

So does this mean I can only have those who are unsuccessful, etc? I guess I'm trying to say would they all be like this?

 

He really wanted to know why I haven't done that much with my life. He didn't actually SAY that but he pretty much did. It made me feel bad because this is something that I feel bad about myself for as it is.

 

I've struggled with depression most of my life and it's taken a lot to get me to where I am now. I SHOULD be more successful based on my intelligence and education but I'm not and that's thanks to depression.

 

I tried to tell him how I've had obstacles in my life and that how not everyone can be #1 (like he is). I almost told him about the depression but I have a feeling it would have worked against me. And besides, he probably would have told me that it was no excuse.

 

I remember a story he told me once about a VP of a Fortune 500 company that he had dated who had been sexually abused as a child. He said he had asked her how she was able to overcome it and succeed while others can't and she told him that you just put your mind to it. So, to him, everyone should be able to get to the top--and she was proof of that. He told me that story after I had told him how I'd dealt with a lot in my life that has kept me from being able to achieve more.

 

I do remember him telling me early on in our "relationship" how his wife had become depressed and that was part of their marriage problems. I think I can see why she was depressed. I had asked him at the time how he'd handled her depression and he said that he tried to get her help for quite some time. When he told me that, I didn't know him that well. Now that I know him, I don't believe him.

[sweetscarlet]

Btw, thank you for responding. It helps to talk about this. Since someone is listening, I'll post some more about it.

 

One of the first times I noticed some unusual behavior was in a conversation where he asked my opinion on something (something harmless). I told him and then asked him his opinion on it. His response was: "I don't want to answer that." I said: "Why not?" He said: "Because that's not the direction I want this conversation to go."

 

That was early on and I just blew it off---I'm pretty easy going for the most part.

 

Another thing was, he knew I hadn't travelled much and he knew I was afraid to fly. I noticed that he would constantly bring conversations around to travelling. That might not have been on purpose though.

 

Also, he's in a very esteemed profession where they're known for having huge egos.

 

 

I still would like to know though if he acted this way to get rid of me or if this is how he really is.

[quankanne]

you're going to encounter the jerks who will do what they can to undermine your confidence because that's how they're wired, and you'll encounter the people who look past your flaws because they see something incredibly special in you. This guy sounds like the former, someone who would use whatever information you shared about yourself against you. Again, not everyone is like this!

 

Well, I guess that makes me wonder though if I'm just going to be a disappointment to people then … does this mean I can only have those who are unsuccessful, etc? It made me feel bad because this is something that I feel bad about myself for as it is.

 

take it from an old lady: it's not worth the energy you pour into flogging yourself for not being something you're not. To hell with those things that make you feel bad about yourself – you've got something positive and good about you that no one else possesses quite the way you do. The key is to figure that out, identify what that is, and start believing in it. Otherwise your time will be wasted with regrets that you'll never be able to correct.

 

there's no sin in not being able to travel – you know what your limitations are, and I'm pretty sure you know what your strengths are, and don't let those hold you back. What you cannot physically do ... learn about. The most fascinating people I meet are the ones who can share ideas and information, even if they sometimes haven't had the practical experience to back up what they've learned.

[sweetscarlet]

The key is to figure that out, identify what that is, and start believing in it. Otherwise your time will be wasted with regrets that you'll never be able to correct.

 

That's the thing. My life HAS been wasted with regrets. I'm even having OTHER people tell me that I have nothing to show for my life now (such as him). No great career, no family of my own, no travel, no nothing. It's a little hard to believe in yourself when others are helping you not to. Basically, it's destroying what little self-esteem I've worked to get because now I see that others see me as a failure too.

 

Unfortunately, my life has really been a big waste. Oftentimes it was spent just struggling to get through the day. I was functional, but not thriving. And then I have people like him tell me how unimpressive I am.

[sweetscarlet]

Is there anyone else to talk to here?

[quankanne]

sorry, I had to call it a night because the storms rolled in, and just now logged back in ... I'll be periodically checking in from time to time, so I'm here for you.

 

you say I'm even having OTHER people tell me that I have nothing to show for my life now … It's a little hard to believe in yourself when others are helping you not to. Basically, it's destroying what little self-esteem I've worked to get because now I see that others see me as a failure too.[/i}

 

I'll try to say this as nicely as I can: Tell them to go screw themselves. They haven't walked in your shoes, they don't know who you really are, just who they think you are, you know? As I said before, you've got an idea of the areas where you really shine – focus on those, and your self-esteem will start growing. People like to slap labels on those around them, then freeze others into that identity. The good news is that YOU have the option to bust out of that label whenever you want. So, go for it, honey – the satisfaction in surprising people is incredible

 

Unfortunately, my life has really been a big waste. Oftentimes it was spent just struggling to get through the day. I was functional, but not thriving. And then I have people like him tell me how unimpressive I am.

 

again, he needs to go screw himself. I imagine his whole reason for striking up relationships is to get self-glorification: "Oh, I'm much better than so and so because I don't have X, Y, Z wrong with me." And by making someone feel inferior, he can feed into his ego ...

 

the depression: Are you getting any kind of counselling or medical attention for that? The right combination of "stuff" will put your blood chemistry where it needs to be ...

 

check out this site, it made a lot of things clearer for me:

 

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=160

[sweetscarlet]

Thanks for coming back.

 

There's really nothing to go show others or surprise them with. And I'm way behind in the game. People are already way too far ahead of me. When I was young, I used to dream of becoming someone really successful to go "show 'em all". And even though I'm pretty smart, it never happened. And I wouldn't even know how to make it happen at this point.

 

I wonder if I was successful (or worldly) if he'd have cut me down. It might be that successful women provide an ego boost for him so he wouldn't. I know he thinks that the part of the country that I live in is backwards so that probably just made me sound more backwards.

 

Yeah, been getting treated for depression most of my life.

[quankanne]

he sounds like the kind of person who would ferret out information to use against someone, and insecurity or perceived "hickness" is a favorite. It's entirely possible that I'm wrong, but egotistical types pretty much have the same MO: to make others feel inferior.

 

There's really nothing to go show others or surprise them with.

 

and you say this because you agree with someone's perceived view of you/standards they've imposed on you? You cannot allow yourself to fall into that kind of thinking because it just isn't productive. Or healthy.

 

look, in my line of work, I've learned that no matter what kind of person I think someone is (nice, jerk, somewhere in-between), every single one of them is an expert at something. Meaning, they have got the knowledge of or know-how to do something that others can learn from. Even someone like you, who don't believe that of yourself – you've got something uniquely your own that others don't have.

 

I never saw myself as exceptional – kinda geeky (yes, a full-fledged band member throughout high school), sometimes humorous, but nothing special. I hated high school because that was a rich environment for killing people's self-esteem if you weren't in the "right" crowd. College was better because I met people who I gravitated to because I had something in common with, rather than being in a forced environment for 12 years and expected to cultivate relationships ...

 

it wasn't until I landed the job I have now, that I finally figured out what made me special, and it's made a huge difference in my life. Yes, I still feel insecurity around those people I run into back home, but then I realize, they don't see ME, just some perception they've accepted of me. I supposed I could go out of my way to wow them, but why waste time trying to do that? Either they get me or they don't, and it's fine either way because I know what I'm about.

 

maybe try to start thinking in this direction, and discovering who you really are? it won't be easy when you've spent so long believing in others' identitification of you, but it's a worthwhile journey. Depression is a bump on the road of that journey, and nothing more: There's someone very incredible inside you that you need to introduce yourself to, so don't put any creedence into what Jerk-boy is trying to do with you. He's interested in playing sad games that he can manipulate, and you don't need to piss away valuable time on things like that.

 

you've got it in you, I know you do, because you are special.

[sweetscarlet]

I do know that I have some things that I'm good at. But they haven't gotten me anywhere in life. And to be honest, I don't have that much motivation to do them most of the time. For example, writing. I've been told by many that I should write. First of all, I don't have a lot of motivation to. When I write the things people like (which are witty), it's usually done online. I've looked into how to put this into other uses but I come up with nothing. And even then, the writing industry is tough and full of rejection. Not sure if that would be good for me.

 

Incidentally, this guy used to tell me how he couldn't stand insecurity and he was noticing some insecurity in me. For instance if he hadn't mentioned the trip in weeks and I asked if he still wanted to go, he'd tell me I was too insecure and he didn't say it in a teasing way.

 

What is bothering me is wondering if he is coming to town to meet someone else here now. Originally he had gotten online and looked at women in my city because he was coming here and that's how he found me. So, I wonder if he's found someone else to meet while here. That would really upset me. It would also really upset me if he doesn't treat other people this way.

 

He had wanted to meet me in another city before he comes here and if we clicked, then he wanted to stay in my house when he came to visit. I didn't go for that. I wanted to meet when he comes to my city (while he stays elsewhere) and then we could plan a trip.

 

So now it has me wondering if he is off this weekend meeting some woman from here in another city and then plans to stay with her when he comes here in a few weeks. In other words, the same plans that had for me. This is really upsetting me thinking about this.

 

I emailed him and asked him if he plans to meet still. Have not gotten any answer.

[sweetscarlet]

Why is it so hard to get responses on this forum? Am I doing something wrong? What makes people get responses?

[sweetscarlet]

He has not responded to my email. This means he's either ignoring me or went out of town with someone. I think I want to call him tomorrow. I want to hear what says about his plans for when he comes here.

[quankanne]

lotta red flags popping up here – sounds like he's playing some kind of mind game with you. As much as it would hurt or upset you, you really, really need to put this guy out of your mind because he's not offering the kind of relationship you believe that he is ...

 

have not looked into writing profession (fiction, books, etc), but I imagine it's hard to break into profesionally. Why not do it just for your enjoyment? Maybe it could lead to something, maybe not, but the bottom line is that you're doing it because YOU enjoy it. Just a thought

[sweetscarlet]

lotta red flags popping up here – sounds like he's playing some kind of mind game with you. As much as it would hurt or upset you, you really, really need to put this guy out of your mind because he's not offering the kind of relationship you believe that he is ...

 

have not looked into writing profession (fiction, books, etc), but I imagine it's hard to break into profesionally. Why not do it just for your enjoyment? Maybe it could lead to something, maybe not, but the bottom line is that you're doing it because YOU enjoy it. Just a thought

 

I'll write online sometimes for fun but not sure what you mean about writing for fun otherwise. Too expensive to get something published if you don't plan to make anything off of it.

 

What makes you say the guy is playing mind games? I really appreciate your input. I'm not having a very good night.

[lei66]

Why is it so hard to get responses on this forum? Am I doing something wrong? What makes people get responses?

I'll yell you why I wouldn't answer....(No offense) but why are you worried about this @sshole? How well do you know him...?

I was in a LDR and the guy seemed wonderful. He wasn't perfect but he clicked with me, was funny, charming, intelligent, etc.......

He's obviously not what he was portraying himself as....and starts to show his true colors before you even meet him....I think that you would even waste your time on this is stupid.....I can't speak as to why anyone else wouldn't answer but that would be my reason.... I hope I didn't hurt your feelings...Good Luck...