OK... Now what? (guys - reply)

[Sunny629]

Hi!

 

OK - this is my first post... and I'm hoping to get some masculine insight into this situation.

 

A guy who I know at work has always been nice to me. In the past 5 or so weeks, we have begun flirting. We had always been friendly, but suddenly our conversations were more fun and informational. With a lot of smiles and looks.

 

I think that he's been attracted to me for awhile, but the timing just wasn't right. Several months ago, he gave me a fun nickname that is very clever.

 

In any case, even though we work together, we are both mature enough to handle that situation. There are other couples at the company we work; and if it ever became an issue, it is a huge company.

 

This past week, I began wondering why he was holding back on asking me for cocktails or something... because our rapport is very good. And the attraction is palpable.

 

I got my answer unexpectedly. It turns out that he has been seeing someone since early February; which I did not know.

 

We had begun flirting in earnest a little bit after they started dating. And it began because I was receptive to his chatting and attention - Finally! Great timing, eh?

 

In any case, when I found out yesterday, it was not from him. It was inadvertantly from one of his buddies. And he seemed a little subdued after the information was shared.

 

After trying to figure out what to do, I decided to carry out the following plan: I would tell him that I was attracted to him and had not realized he had a girlfriend.

 

I let him know that if he was ever interested, I was interested and that I wanted to be friends in the meantime. And I made it clear that I hoped he didn't feel comfortable.

 

This was very difficult for me, since I am shy in matters such as this... but mission accomplished. At the end of the day, I asked him if we could meet in a conf. room for a few minutes.

 

So, I poured it out (including how shy I am in these situations). He listened intently, and did say, "Yes, I am seeing someone".

 

He mentioned that not many people would communicate like I had just done and he was glad that it was out in the open.

 

I said that I hoped that everything was OK because I really enjoy talking to him. And he said that he enjoyed talking to me too.

 

Afterwards, we sat chatting in the conf. room for another 5 minutes or so.

 

Do guys appreciate that kind of honesty?

 

Thank you for any responses!

[JackJack]

Honesty is always good. However, since he was already involved with someone, it probably didn't matter you told him how you felt. And if anything, it just added to his flirting ego he already seems to have.

 

Now that you have told him how you feel and he admitted to being involved, its probably best for the flirting and fun to come to an end. He is involved with someone.

 

Also, if he is involved with someone, it would make me question why it is he is flirting and giving you nicknames to begin with.

[bridget_jones]

Your telling of this story made me wince. NEVER spill to a guy you like him that way. he already knew you, even before he started seeing someone. If he was into you, he would have seriously asked you out, not just flirted. PLEASE get the book He's Just Not That Into You for next time. I feel really badly for these women out there making these big no-no's with men. Intervention needed!

[TYASAFAHICSI]

I disagree. Kudos to you. Maybe he was not reading the signals that you were interested. Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.

 

His "relationship" is new for sure and I suspect that your honesty (if he is attracted to you which I think he is) may make him reconsider what he sees in thie other woman.

 

But, I do agree that the flirting shoudl subside...you do not want to be a relationship wrecker. You know his deal and it is up to him tochange it!

 

I would be refrshed to meet a woman as honest as you. I would probably bet that he comes a knocking on your door to get some boot knocking shortly!

[Trialbyfire]

I disagree. Kudos to you. Maybe he was not reading the signals that you were interested. Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.

 

His "relationship" is new for sure and I suspect that your honesty (if he is attracted to you which I think he is) may make him reconsider what he sees in thie other woman.

 

But, I do agree that the flirting shoudl subside...you do not want to be a relationship wrecker. You know his deal and it is up to him tochange it!

 

I would be refrshed to meet a woman as honest as you. I would probably bet that he comes a knocking on your door to get some boot knocking shortly!

While I'm not a guy I agree with this. With your honesty, you've now tantalized him. I do hope you haven't harmed a potential relationship though. Hopefully, he's only dating lightly.

[Storyrider]

I'm a female. Hope you don't mind me posting.

 

I'm guessing he enjoyed the flirting and is attracted but thought he'd best not date you because you work together directly. This is obvious, but if it didn't work out you'd be forced to see each other every day, which would suck.

 

I think since you talked to him directly, the flirting will stop because the pleasure came from the slight taboo and from the unspoken "thrill" of the attraction.

[dgiirl]

I'm kinda torn. Although it's pretty cool that you went up to him and told him your feelings, it's not so cool that you did this _after_ you found out he's seeing someone. Are you expecting him to break up with his current girlfriend for you? How would you feel if some girl did that to your boyfriend?

[Sunny629]

Thank you for all of the feedback!

 

A few things to clarify:

 

1. The flirting that has been taking place has been in a professional environment, so it wasn't very audacious. Just an increase in friendliness and a more playful demeanor. A lot of smiling and friendly banter.

 

2. The nickname was given months ago (before he started dating this other woman). I didn't realize that he was flirting with me so many months ago (I can be kind of oblivious) - plus, I was getting over a long-term relationship breaking up.

 

3. I don't think they are serious, but I don't know at all.

 

4. It seemed better to talk to him openly about everything, since we do work together... and it would be awkward anyway. It is better to be "awkward with the truth" in most situations.

 

5. I don't think he has a "flirting ego". I'm one of the only females in the office who he really talks to a lot. And I am also buddies with the guys he hangs out with - and he is different around me than he is around them and me. I think he has been trying to get my attention for awhile, and I really didn't get it (yes, truly oblivious...). (I mean, the guy is super-smart and he asked for help on the same issue at least 3 times last fall... he is far more technical than me, but I know a tool that a lot of my coworkers need for their jobs. At the time, I wondered why he needed me to help him out so many times... and why I needed to come to his office to help him each time too. Again, before he was dating this other chick.)

 

Well, again - thanks so much for the feedback!

[taiko]

He already knew you were interested when you recipocated in the flirting. Working together would cause him to hold back. Sexual harassment accusation if anything went wrong between the two of you could seriously damage him.

 

He would continue to flirt to keep you in the game. If he reached the point where a girl of comparable worth was not in his life he might have chanced a greater relationship, professional risk may have been put aside. As it is he is holding you in reserve incase girlfriend doesn't work out.

[bridget_jones]

Sorry, I disagree with the other posters. You were correct when you said he flirts with you for his ego. That is it.

If he really liked you, he would have acted on it by now. It's obvious he's more into the woman he's dating. Otherwise she wouldn't even be a factor, but he told you straight out "I'm seeing someone."

But he knew you before he knew the woman he's dating.

If he was into you, he would have asked you out before, plain and simple. He has since met a woman he really IS taken with, and made things happen with her. Because he is into her, not you. Sorry. I don't mean to be mean or anything but he probably told the woman he's seeing about this chick at work who told him he wants him today in the conference room, they probably got a good little chuckle out of it.

[Sunny629]

My intent is to not argue with you, bridget_jones... and I will make this point again, and then I'm done:

I never said nor implied that he was flirting with me to assuage his own ego. Someone else said that and I made a comment against that.

 

As to not meaning to be mean... your comment about him and the woman he is seeing getting a chuckle was out of line. Even if it was true, that was unkind and unnecessary. If I recall correctly, I have not insulted you in any way. Therefore, if you don't feel you can say something nice, then don't say anything at all.

[Not_That_Innocent]

My intent is to not argue with you, bridget_jones... and I will make this point again, and then I'm done:

I never said nor implied that he was flirting with me to assuage his own ego. Someone else said that and I made a comment against that.

 

As to not meaning to be mean... your comment about him and the woman he is seeing getting a chuckle was out of line. Even if it was true, that was unkind and unnecessary. If I recall correctly, I have not insulted you in any way. Therefore, if you don't feel you can say something nice, then don't say anything at all.

 

Ignore Bridget - she has a tendency to be rude. I can understand giving upfront advice, but sometimes her posts are downright mean. I know from experience.

[Sunny629]

Ignore Bridget - she has a tendency to be rude. I can understand giving upfront advice, but sometimes her posts are downright mean. I know from experience.

 

Thanks Not_That_Innocent!

 

I don't mind the advice... I mean, by posting here, I was asking for feedback. However, I can do without pithy little comments. So, thank you for the support!

[tanbark813]

Do guys appreciate that kind of honesty?

 

Absolutely. Kudos for having balls (in a metaphorical sense, of course).

[bridget_jones]

I was just being honest. My last serious bf, when he had women interested in him while we were seeing each other, he would tell me and we actually would laugh about it. (He had a woman at work actually ask him out and I had met her and she clearly knew we were together). I am way better looking and I don't know where she was thinking she had a chance. Anyhoo...

It was reallly out of line of you to tell him that when you knew he had a gf.

[2ndIINone]

Ignore Bridget - she has a tendency to be rude. I can understand giving upfront advice, but sometimes her posts are downright mean. I know from experience.

And apparently, a bitter manhater.

 

I'll give my answer to the question you asked....

Do guys appreciate that kind of honesty?

without judging your actions in the conference room...

 

Yes, guys do like that kind of honesty. Holding back your feelings either before OR after finding out about the 'girlfriend' is just playing games with yourself and him.

You stepped up to the plate, took a swing... and he was straight up with you. At least you found out now before getting emotionally attached right?

And yes... personally, I would avoid anymore flirting from here on out. No sense in teasing or tempting him into hurting the 'other' girl.

[tanbark813]

My last serious bf, when he had women interested in him while we were seeing each other, he would tell me and we actually would laugh about it.

 

All that means is you date pricks.

[bridget_jones]

It wasn't laugh, laughing. Just chuckling. You know, hey this chick tried to pick me up in the grocery store. ha ha. This chick at work found out I was seeing someone so she decided to tell me she's attracted to me today. LOL Stuff you say between a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

No, I don't really get involved with pricks.

[Storyrider]

when he had women interested in him while we were seeing each other, he would tell me and we actually would laugh about it.

 

Apparently you liked him and he liked himself. At least that gave you one subject of mutual interest to talk about.

[bridget_jones]

you guys sure come up with a lot of conclusions. No, he wasn't arrogant or anything. He just mentioned that this woman from work asked me out. You can't read that much into it.

I told him before when I was asked out, he took it as a compliment, I did the same for him. I don't know, I'm pretty sure if a coworker asked a guy out, that would be normal for him to mention it to his girlfriend.

It's just discussions between a couple. Plus trialbyfire will be the first to advocate full disclosure in a relationship. At least he told me upfront instead of flirt and lie behind my back with these women. It's not like we were talking about it all the time, Storyrider. Have you guys ever even been in a relationship? LOL

 

Anyway back to the topic, when I was working at another place a few years ago, this attractive guy kept flirting with me, and even started emailing me. I was careful to not flirt back and keep it on a fairly professional level. If he asked how my weekend was, I'd tell him "great" "went hiking" "did yardwork" and the like.

He continued flirting. And yes, I mean he was flirting. I was 8 years older than him, and he'd tell me I looked great, I looked like I was 22 instead of 32, what is that perfume I always wear, he could smell it's lovliness whenever I walked by. so yes, flirting.

I was interested but very careful not to let him know this, because I knew if he was interested he'd ask me out by making a move.

Turns out I was right in not flirting back and announcing to him that I was attracted to him. Because....he was engaged.

See, guys will ask you out if they're interested.

[JackJack]

Back on topic since this is another posters thread.

 

Anyway, I was the one that mentioned something about him flirting and his ego.

 

And yes ma'am, any guy who flirts, it WILL boost their ego, even if if it is just a bit.

 

Its very well possible he really likes you, but if he liked you enough to break up with his current g/f for you, that is remained to be seen yet.

[bridget_jones]

i think it's very possible that when the heavier "flirting" began between you two in Feb., it wasn't really flirting on his part, he was in just an extra perky, happy mood since he had started dating that girl, and Sunny mistook it for flirting with her.

Since he outright said "Yes, I am seeing someone." so directly he was really saying straight out "I like her, I'm really into her, just making that clear." Otherwise he would have said "well sort of seeing someone, not serious or anything" if he liked sunny that way.

[lrae]

After trying to figure out what to do, I decided to carry out the following plan: I would tell him that I was attracted to him and had not realized he had a girlfriend.

 

Do guys appreciate that kind of honesty?

 

 

 

Sorry, but I am having a hard time finding any honesty on your part.

 

You straight out lied to him in order to set him up and test his honesty! Let's at least get that straight. Your actions were sneakly, manipulative, self serving.

 

God, I hate sneaks! No, I don't think many people would appreciate that (male or female).

[Sunny629]

After trying to figure out what to do, I decided to carry out the following plan: I would tell him that I was attracted to him and had not realized he had a girlfriend.

 

Do guys appreciate that kind of honesty?

 

 

 

Sorry, but I am having a hard time finding any honesty on your part.

 

You straight out lied to him in order to set him up and test his honesty! Let's at least get that straight. Your actions were sneakly, manipulative, self serving.

 

God, I hate sneaks! No, I don't think many people would appreciate that (male or female).

 

What? How did I lie? I didn't lie at all.

 

At all. And I wasn't testing his honesty. He was present when his buddy mentioned he was seeing someone (and I spoke with him later that day).

 

This is becoming a quagmire. And I'm sorry that I opened myself up to this kind of slander and sly banter.

 

Does anyone know how I can get this thread shut down?

 

Thank you to all of the nice people who had very interesting things to say. I appreciate the constructive feedback.

[lrae]

 

What? How did I lie? I didn't lie at all.

 

At all. And I wasn't testing his honesty. He was present when his buddy mentioned he was seeing someone (and I spoke with him later that day).

 

I will say sorry, Sunny!! I misinterpreted and now see the error of my ways.