fallen Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 This if my first time asking for advice online.....but this is just something i really need help with........ Well, about 4 months ago, me and a close friend of mine finally addmitted how we felt about eachother. I asked her out online while i was visiting my father out of town. I stayed at my fathers for another week after that, so we didnt get to see eachother. During that week, she went to a friends house we're she was drunk and ended up doing things with someone that night. She called me up the next morning, confessing that she had messed up....she didnt tell me exactly what she had done, she said she didnt want to talk about it. But she was crying and said she would never do it again. So i let it pass. About 2 months later the news of what she had done made its way to someone who didnt like us very much.....and that person came online and told me everything he had heard. I confronted her about it and it was all true. Her clothes didnt come off......but her and this guy did other things, i'm sure you can guess. She said she didnt want to, but he kept trying to get her to, and eventually she just did it. I know she was drunk. but thats no excuse is it? Its been a few months since i found out exactly what happend, and i've tried to get over it. Our relationship is great, i know she cares about me, and she wouldnt do it again. I know she regrets what she did. but i cant seem to get over it, its still bothering me. I mean, if she really didnt want to, she wouldnt have done it right? she said she kept telling him no, but she must have been doing something to lead him on. I would imagine that if she made it clear she didnt want to and wasnt going then he would have backed off. But i dont know. How hard is it to keep youself from doing something like that? even when your drunk? well, i want to stay with her, i cant imagine my life without her, but at the same time i'm bothered my what she did that night. If i left her....then i could move on and forget what she did......but even though the pain caused by what she did would be gone.....she would be to, and i dont want that. Sorry this is so long.....i'll shut up now. Please help, and for those of you that do, i cant thank you enough. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 it sounds to me like a classic case of date rape; your girl told the guy in question that she wasn't interested in taking part in a sexual act, but ultimately did against her better judgment and her will. Just because it wasn't a brutal attack doesn't mean it wasn't an act that violated her. Get to a search engine and look up the topic "date rape" and you'd be amazed how many people don't realize what it entails, or think the way you do ("I mean, if she really didnt want to, she wouldnt have done it right? she said she kept telling him no, but she must have been doing something to lead him on. I would imagine that if she made it clear she didnt want to and wasnt going then he would have backed off.") If your mind was made up to have sex -- even if it was against the recipient's will -- would you back off easily, or would you wear down that person's defenses until you got your way? sounds to me like she didn't know any other way out of the situation other than to subject herself to it, a lot of people (women) do that just so it can be overwith, and pay the price later when they realize what they let themselves be part of. you've said that you can't imagine life without her, but mister, if all she has to look forward to in y'alls relationship is distrust, she's much better off without the likes of you. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 Puh-leaze. Of course she told you she didn't want to do anything with the guy. What would you expect her to say? Maybe she was drunk and just regretted it the next day. (We've all been there!) Or maybe she wasn't 100% into it, but went along anyway. That doesn't mean he held a gun to her head and forced her to do it. That doesn't mean that she couldn't have gotten up and left at any time. Was she bruised? Did he hurt her? Did he threaten her? Did he hold her down? Did she tell him NO, or did she say "Well, gee, I'm not sure I want to do that" with a giggle? The reason I question this is that if her clothes weren't off, I can imagine what went down. If she was truly being forced, there's a great thing called TEETH. Look, I'm not necessarily saying she's making it up, but she might be stretching the truth for your benefit, or even for her own, to make herself feel better about what she did. Does she still talk to and see this "so-called" friend? If so, I seriously doubt he forced her to do anything. I would have ZERO to do with a guy who did that to me. I'm confused about one thing, though. You asked her out online, and before you ever went out she did this? Dude, I hate to break it to you, but she wasn't your girlfriend when this happened. I don't care how long you've been friends with her. Asking someone out on a date does not imply exclusivity in any way, shape, or form. Yes, she might've felt like crap about doing that to you, but she was not your girl. She didn't cheat on you! So, get over it! If you feel you can trust her now, put this behind you and move on. There's no reason to dwell in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 NO she doesnt still see this guy, he called her a few times after that, but she said she wanted nothing to with him. And no i didnt just ask her out on a date, i asked her to be my girlfriend i guess you could say, we were a couple at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 And no she wasnt exactly being forced, he just wouldnt leave her alone and i guess you could say she did it to "shut him up". Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 Hey, I'm not trying to be bitchy. You asked her to be your girlfriend ONLINE? E-mail or IM? Either is equally unromantic. I just don't understand why SHE DIDN'T JUST LEAVE HIS APARTMENT if she was uncomfortable? Explain this to me, please. If he wasn't threatening her life or threatening her with a beating or threatening her in any other way, why did she not just leave? Being drunk is not an excuse. Maybe she's not talking to him because she's embarrassed. I don't know...the whole deal just sounds fishy to me. But hey, keep making excuses if it makes you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 one more thing i wanted to add though was that she hasnt drank since then, and claims she never will again unless i'm present. The date rape theory though, that makes alot of sence. It's really got me thinking less about myself and the pain i went though and more now about her, and that she had to deal with that. She's was more the victim then i was. Now all i can think about is how much i want to find this guy........and i will. Now i aggree its possible she could have streched the truth a bit....but either way she was taken advantage of, and i know she feels terrible about it. For the most part it wasnt her fault...i now know this. Thanks for the help. Aside from this one little thing everything in our relationship is perfect, and i know beyond a doubt that she cares about me. Our feelings and whanot have grown stronger since that first week. Well, i'm done for now. if anyone else has anything else to say i'd love to hear it. And perhaps i'll post again when i find the guy that did it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 She wasnt at his apartment......she was at a friends and he showed up. And if she left she would have no where to go. It was at an apartment in an allyway. She had no ride anywhere unless she were to call her parents. which she isnt going to do because she's drunk and only 17. so there you go. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 Clia has made all of the points I would like to make. However, instead of listening to her advice and thinking to yourself "hmmm... does this fit my situation" you keep wanting to make excuses for your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 i'm not making excuses, i'm just letting you know all the facts so you guys can get a better opinion of what happend. I know theres no way she could have just up and left the house. As for her story, i'm just repeating what i heard, if its true then she the date rape theory fits. But lets say she did stretch the truth a bit, and this was just your average "i got drunk and did something stupid" situation, at least i know she regrets it, will not do it again, and that her feelings for me have grown alot since then and we take the relationship alot more seriously. and even though we were a couple at the time, we hadnt seen eachother yet, i had told her i wanted to wait until i returned home before making it official, but eventually just did it online. And this incident happend around 3 days later, i myself hadnt even really gotten used to the fact that i was no longer available, and probably would have made and equally stupid decision had i been in a simular situation. ( i have in the past) well to sum it all up: the relationship is great, we spend all our time together and already have plans for the future. She messed up, but its in the past and wont happen again....and even if it does, it just means she just isnt the one. simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted December 21, 2002 Share Posted December 21, 2002 Damn if my girlfriend ever did something like that I would drop her like a bad habit. Then again, you all were not technically going out so it really doesn't matter. But trust me if she wasn't so drunk that she could still give a BJ, she wasn't too drunk to yell, kick and scream for him to stop and or run into the street calling for help. I wouldn't trust that girl. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my book. You'll never be able to trust her...You'll always be thinking about that night as long as you two are together. Wondering what really happened......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted December 21, 2002 Author Share Posted December 21, 2002 nah, i actually havent been thinking much about that night at all. I'm not dwelling in the past anymore. Yeah she was fully capable of kicking and screaming, but remember he wasnt raping her, she got drunk, went down on some guy, then regretted it. She was in no way forced to do it, she simply gave in. I really dont care what actually may have happend, if i decide i want to find out i can always ask a few of the others who were there and see how well their story matches to hers. But i've really had no desire to do so. Once a cheater always a cheater right? well i've cheated on several past g/f's, but you wont see me doing it with this one. In most cases though, yeah i would have left her in a second, but we werent really in to much of a relationship at the time. So i'm letting it pass. I used to sit and fantasize about this girl for like year straight and now i'm getting some from her everynight so its a good life. Its a really interesting story to how we came together, etc etc. but i'm not gonna bore you with that. Anyways, she's worth keeping, and should i ever decide other wise, then i will drop her and although i cant stand to be away from her, time will heal my torment. Oh and if she does do something stupid again i'll let you guys know so you can say "i told you so". And belive me if she does i'll find out about it if she doesnt tell me first. It amazes me how easily and quickly word spreads in this town. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted December 21, 2002 Author Share Posted December 21, 2002 also i want to add a few more things. Since that night she has not drank at all. She has had no contact with this guy, although he did call her cell once, she wants nothing to do with him so she had me answer the phone, he hung up. And she has told me that i should "kill him should i find him". She also has avoided contact with a friend of hers who was the one who brought this other guy their that night. She doesnt really have a history of cheating on her b/f's. After we had started going out her ex gave me some warning about her and cheating was not one of them, she dated him for 4 years. (her ex and i hate eachother with a firey passion, although at one time we were like brothers to eachother) Their relationship was off and on however. They would break up, date some other people inbetween, those relationships would last about a week then they would dump them and get backtogether. I was the one who broke this chain, i came in and now several months have gone by and she refused him when he attempted to get her back. hahaha. first time. So i must mean something to her. anyways, gotta go. later Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted December 21, 2002 Share Posted December 21, 2002 First of all, just for future reference, asking someone to be your girlfriend, before you've even gone out on a date, does not constitute a relationship LOL. And.... I used to sit and fantasize about this girl for like year straight and now i'm getting some from her everynight so its a good life. Gettin some every night hey? Well that's all that counts, for sure. *laughing* Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted December 22, 2002 Author Share Posted December 22, 2002 "First of all, just for future reference, asking someone to be your girlfriend, before you've even gone out on a date, does not constitute a relationship LOL." there you have it. I was not cheated on. WooHoo!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fallen Posted March 17, 2003 Author Share Posted March 17, 2003 hey, its me again, just wanted to say i'm still with the same girl.....and yeah its been a long while since i posted this. relationship is great.......aside from some of my jealosy issues, but i'm working on those. Anyways, tonight me her went to catch our friends band performing at this club tonight......and i notice her give someone this look.....not a friendly one either....i could tell she wasnt happy about this person being there. She leaned over and told me who it was......and as i'm sure you already know........it was him, the guy from the party that night. and well, to sum it up quickly... i got my revenge. Its great when someone is so afraid of you that you have total control over them.....of course this was something i had been waiting for for a long time now......so my appetite for revenge wasnt fully satisfied......so i'm looking forward to running into him again in the future.......he will have to suffer everytime we meet, just like i will have to suffer everytime the thought of that night just happens to cross my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
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