I Screwed up, but how much is too much?

[Spankie]

I will try to keep it brief. After two failed marraiges and a couple of kids. I met my perfect match. six mos in his really horrifying kid moves in with him.. Our perfect thing.. going out, playing.. some swinging, lots of open communication, best friends... is interuppted by this ADHD infested nightmare of a 10 year old. He is only here for a year.. thank god.

Nobody will babysit him.. can't leave him alone..(can you say "fire department?) So the lifestyle sort of takes on a different flavor.

I have every other week with no kids because of dual custody.. so we were livin large and lovin it. I am in a band and during this period of ickiness got waaaaaaaay to friendly with my new lead guitarist.. and got caught by my partner..

Long story short.. after much pain, embarrassment, dispair, we have reconciled.. I have dropped music all together, and given him FULL access to all of my passwords, for email, Myspace, EVERYTHING!

I KNOW that I love him, I KNOW I went insane for a couple weeks, I KNOW that it will never.. ever EVER happen again.. of course he is paranoid..

But this is starting to suck. Do I have the right to feel that way? Or am I forever at the mercy of my past mistake?

[CaliGuy]

Sounds like to me your needs are more important than a 10 year old kid with a disability. He has no control over nor understands his issues. You have no compassion for a child in need of help. Where you have no compassion for others, none can be found for you. You, on the other hand, have complete control over your life and are not at the mercy of a guardian, such as this boy.

 

You have a problem being happy with what you have instead of being upset at what you do not.

 

Sounds rather selfish and shallow to me.

 

You reap what you sow.

[jusified]

agree with cali,

 

Look, no one is perfect and there is always further improvement to be made.

 

Maybe you need to improve who you are. Yes there is a child involved, but maybe you could be a better person and accept that part of his life and do you best and help him as well as the kid out if he is so good for you.

 

As for your actions with someone else......how old are you?? I find that alot of people seem to not consider the feelings of their partner. Your actions with the guitarist have most likely really hurt him, so please have a look at yourself for faults and consequences of your actions so they are learnt from and not repeated.

 

By no means am I saying you are horrible and he is perfect, but you can only control what you do, so lets pick everything up and make yourself a better person.

[Trialbyfire]

You have two kids of your own and are thirty-seven years old. I think these guys are right. It's time to learn to be a little less self-centered and consider others first, starting with the little boy who needs help. As for your SO, only he can tell you when he feels sufficient trust in you again.

 

Yes, I think you are at the mercy of your past. We all make mistakes but should learn to take responsibility for them.

[Spankie]

Of all of the guilt that I feel.. for making this man feel the pain that I handed him and all of the feelings of complete disgust for myself..

I agree that I have been self centered and there is no excuse for my actions.. but both of your reactions to my message are about this child.

How interesting.. that is the one thing I DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT. I did not make that child. I have fully raised an incredible young man who is now stationed in korea in the air force. And an amazing little girl that I can't even begin to describe.. after I had my daughter.. I figured I had really been very very VERY lucky and made sure I could never have any more children.. When I met this man he was not involved with this child and everything was great. THEN BAM.. the Mom was completely fed up and sent him to his Dad as a last resort.. "maybe YOU can do something with him" I don't, never did, want to be a step mother to a disturbed child. I didn't walk into this relationship with the understanding that this was the deal. But I love him. Now this is not an excuse for my actions.

My actions are not on trial here.. but thank your for the extra dose of excruciating guilt..

And actually my feelings about this child are not really the issue.. him and I are very clear on what happened.. why (as much as I can figure out myself)..

My issue.. my question.. six months after a reconcilliation.. would you feel comfortable about sharing all of your emails.. myspace account.. etc with your partner..

For example.. I actually met him on match.com.. and my girlfriend at my office was curious so I logged on to my now not active match profile to show her what sort of guys were on there.. I couldn't remember my password so I had it sent to my email.. well he saw that and figured I was back on match looking for someone.. you know what I mean? I have to explain everything. I know what is in my heart for him and I am very very sure that this is not a history that will repeat itself..

but is it healthy for him and me for him to have access to every single piece of my personal business 24/7 six months after reconcilliation..

That is my issue..

[Spankie]

Please.. WHY, AGAIN IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE ON A FULL TIME POSITION WITH A DISABLED CHILD THAT I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONNECTION WITH OTHER THAN DATING HIS DAD?

You can't really be serious.. this is hard core .. the "Nanny" would go insane with this child.. I have reread your comments and I am just feeling the need to invite you over to try to have dinner with this kid.. you would leave in 30 mins.. My sister went on a trip with all of us and actually got out of the car 400 miles from home and rented a car and went back home because she could not deal.. how can you put that responsibility on me because I am in a relationship with his father?

INSANE!

[Trialbyfire]

IF this child truly has ADHD, there's Ritalin and other drugs that he can take. Many children are misdiagnosed and do not require any medication, they are simply overly-active children. The child is part of your SOs life so if you can give a little of yourself, it sounds like he needs it. The way you describe him makes me believe that you dislike him greatly and he probably knows it, therefore acts up. Yes, I have no sympathy for you in reference to this child.

 

As for passwords, etc., that's up to your SO when he feels comfortable enough to trust you with free access. There's nothing to stop you from changing the passwords but his reaction probably won't be what you want. Have you two considered counseling?

[Island Girl]

In my book, you cheated and if you want the second chance then you take it knowing that you have a lot of trust to earn back and all you can demand is that the other person allow you to earn it.

 

However long that is.

 

It is unknown.

 

If it really isn't going to happen again and you aren't hiding anything then you should be an open book.

 

Whenever, however, or whatever he asks or needs to know. Open book.

 

You will earn his trust back as soon as you let go.

 

My husband lied about something pretty significant when we first got involved. I found out once we were involved.

 

I felt it was an absolute betrayal. (I'm sure you're boyfriend feels just as much if not more betrayed).

 

The only way we rebuilt what we had - and even ended up happily married is that he was an OPEN book.

 

There wasn't one thing he said was ridiculous to be asking about or wanting to know "too much about" in ANY aspect of his life.

 

I don't have to ask about anything so much any more but I know if I do it is welcomed.

 

That's how much he loves me. And that's how sorry he really is.

[Spankie]

Okay.. to Island Girl and her reference to the open book.. I am an open book now.. I am grumpy right now working three jobs as a single parent so I may be being sensitive to explaining myself all the time right now.. you are probably right.. and I will try to relax and give him that comfort of knowing what is going on.. seems sometimes he gets a bit of information that he runs with and gets scared and it's totally innocent.. so it's just hard.. sometimes I am explaining the circumstances of an email that he took funny and I feel like he is not sure I am being truthful..

I just am not sure it is a good or a bad thing..

 

but as for the child.. I think that you are both feeling a bit greater than thou.. and I would seriously love to see you in the same situation..

Of course.. especially trial by fire.. as the screen name validates is an all holy "DECIDER" of what is right.. without consideration of circumstances or full story.. but hey.. I am sitting here checking messeges here and there while working on a freelance job.. I wonder.. Trial? Just an assumption.. are you eating a doughnut? or maybe a box of um?

Thanks all for your insight..

Spankie

[2ndIINone]

After two failed marraiges and a couple of kids.

Six mos in his really horrifying kid moves in with him..

some swinging,

interuppted by this ADHD infested nightmare of a 10 year old.

waaaaaaaay to friendly with my new lead guitarist..

and got caught by my partner..

 

what a catch ....

 

But I love him.

 

If so, then you wouldn't have cheated on him.

PS. Loving someone = loving and accepting EVERYTHING about them... good qualities, bad qualities, oh, and his kids.

[Trialbyfire]

Absolutely spankie. I'm about 4'3" and weigh in around 450 lbs, eating my donuts and enjoying cyberspace. I'm 16 years old male with no job and have bad acne.

 

Buutttt....I would still take care of needy child.

[Spankie]

Nice to know that you would take care of a needy child.. let me know when you actually do? Savvy?

[Trialbyfire]

Oh, lest we forget, I also stutter but it doesn't come through in my typing. Hmmm...lleetttt mmmeeee ssseeeee. Much better.

[Trialbyfire]

spankie, when you realize that you always place yourself before others, perhaps you'll understand a little of what I'm trying to communicate to you.

[harleygirl92156]

Can any one say "SELFISH"

[CaliGuy]

Of all of the guilt that I feel.. for making this man feel the pain that I handed him and all of the feelings of complete disgust for myself..

 

Not enough in my book.

 

I agree that I have been self centered and there is no excuse for my actions.. but both of your reactions to my message are about this child.

How interesting.. that is the one thing I DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT. I did not make that child.

 

The child and the man are a package. Accept them both or not. That is the decision you have to make. Don't expect to get into a relationship with a man, especially the way you have treated him, and not have to deal with everything that involves him. It's simply not sane to think you can have him but nothing to do with the child.

 

I have fully raised an incredible young man who is now stationed in korea in the air force. And an amazing little girl that I can't even begin to describe.. after I had my daughter.. I figured I had really been very very VERY lucky and made sure I could never have any more children..

 

Again, they come as a package. Accept it or not.

 

When I met this man he was not involved with this child and everything was great. THEN BAM.. the Mom was completely fed up and sent him to his Dad as a last resort.. "maybe YOU can do something with him" I don't, never did, want to be a step mother to a disturbed child. I didn't walk into this relationship with the understanding that this was the deal. But I love him. Now this is not an excuse for my actions.

 

Do you expect him to choose YOU over the child? If I was a betting man, I wouldn't take those odds.

 

My actions are not on trial here.. but thank your for the extra dose of excruciating guilt..

 

Again, you reap what you sow. If you have no compassion for others, expect no compassion in return. You can not expect the things in your life you want that you are not willing to give others.

 

And actually my feelings about this child are not really the issue.. him and I are very clear on what happened.. why (as much as I can figure out myself)..

 

Actually they are the issue because it's your insensitivity to this child, treating him like some kind of disease, that is causing some hardship in your relationship. It's almost like you're trying to play down the way you treated this man and play up how much you believe the child is causing a strain on YOU.

 

My issue.. my question.. six months after a reconcilliation.. would you feel comfortable about sharing all of your emails.. myspace account.. etc with your partner..

 

If I was this man, personally, I'd run far, far away from you.

 

For example.. I actually met him on match.com.. and my girlfriend at my office was curious so I logged on to my now not active match profile to show her what sort of guys were on there.. I couldn't remember my password so I had it sent to my email.. well he saw that and figured I was back on match looking for someone.. you know what I mean? I have to explain everything. I know what is in my heart for him and I am very very sure that this is not a history that will repeat itself..

 

He has a right to not trust you. And trust, once lost, is very hard to earn back and is never earned back completely.

 

but is it healthy for him and me for him to have access to every single piece of my personal business 24/7 six months after reconcilliation..

That is my issue..

 

Personally I think it's more headache than it's worth. Once the trust is gone, the foundation of the relationship is gone with it.

[Shadowdog36]

I, more than a lot of people on here, tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, Spank, come on...... you've got to know that you're not gonna get any sympathy on here!!!

 

You act selfish, respond with a 'holier than thou' attitude, and expect people to empathize with you??!!??

 

You're the epitome of what's wrong with people in this world, and as such, deserve every bit of criticism on here.

 

Your analysis of your situation is the same as someone saying, "I want to lose 10 pounds, but can't...ignore the fact that I eat at McDonalds every day, and tell me what to do." Your problems are directly the result of the person that you are. Deal with it!!! And learn to accept criticism when it's deserved.

[Island Girl]

I think I may be the only person here who understands what she is saying.

 

I don't have any children. I do have a fear of having to grapple with a disturbed or physically handicapped child.

 

I don't think I am capable and would hate to be put in place where I have to find out.

 

If I dated someone with a child like this it would be a concern if we were moving toward a serious relationship.

 

The context of their relationship and how involved I would be would be a consideration.

 

And if I could do it part time that doesn't mean that I would be up for the challenge to be a full-time step mother suddenly when I am not even married or seriously involved with the father.

 

When a child is born with a handicap or some other affliction you have a lot of time to learn about it and learn how to deal with the behaviors, etc. that may be symptomatic.

 

Suddenly being in charge of an older child full time who is suffering from a serious disorder that causes a lot of acting out would be extremely difficult for most people.

 

I know it would shake me to my core.

 

Doesn't she say that this is no longer an issue anyway?

 

I thought she was asking about how long she should expect her boyfriend to try to keep tabs on her?

[Trialbyfire]

IG, when I was in school, I used to do a volunteer summer program where we worked with kids with disabilities. ADHD wasn't considered one of them. It's fairly easily kept under control with the right type of medication. It's like night and day in behaviour pattern for the kids.

[Island Girl]

IG, when I was in school, I used to do a volunteer summer program where we worked with kids with disabilities. ADHD wasn't considered one of them. It's fairly easily kept under control with the right type of medication. It's like night and day in behaviour pattern for the kids.

 

I don't know.

 

It'd still be a scary situation for me to be in -- suddenly an in charge caregiver to a child with special needs of any kind.

 

There's got to be a lot to learn.

 

I also wouldn't feel comfortable becoming a full time contributer to that child's life if I didn't even know whether the situation would be permanent or not.

 

I don't think it is fair to the child nor is it fair to me to just suddenly have that situation dropped in my lap which it seemed it was - just one day the child's mother gives him over full time to his father and says "you handle him - I can't".

 

Certainly it would be a situation I'd have to deal with as best I could if I wanted the relationship which it sounds like the OP did.

 

Whether or not significant bonding happened - well, there may have been a lack of that. But I did witness a situation like this first hand. And the child of 10 from the very beginning did everything possible to not bond with the SO of his father. He did not want any kind of relationship with her and resented her from the word go. It didn't matter what she did or how she did it.

 

Apparently they have, as a couple, made it through that particular time and now the issue has resolved itself.

 

Now they are just dealing with the affair that happened during that time.

[Trialbyfire]

Whether or not significant bonding happened - well, there may have been a lack of that. But I did witness a situation like this first hand. And the child of 10 from the very beginning did everything possible to not bond with the SO of his father. He did not want any kind of relationship with her and resented her from the word go. It didn't matter what she did or how she did it.

 

Apparently they have, as a couple, made it through that particular time and now the issue has resolved itself.

 

While I can understand where you're coming from, the child is treatable if he's truly got ADHD. You'de be surprised the real difference a properly diagnosed child with the proper medication can make. They become like normal children mostly except some can still be very active and others a little fuzzy, depending on how well the medication takes.

 

I guess it was the venom that she spewed about the child that bothered me the most. Perhaps he's rejected her but she's the adult and I suspect her attitude doesn't help. It also depends on how her SO is handling the whole situation but if you refer to her references to cheating, this situation can't be good for the child. Sorry but I do believe any child comes first, dumped on her or not. I suspect you would have far more compassion than she indicated in her post.

[bridget_jones]

Sounds like to me your needs are more important than a 10 year old kid with a disability. He has no control over nor understands his issues. You have no compassion for a child in need of help. Where you have no compassion for others, none can be found for you. You, on the other hand, have complete control over your life and are not at the mercy of a guardian, such as this boy.

 

You have a problem being happy with what you have instead of being upset at what you do not.

 

Sounds rather selfish and shallow to me.

 

You reap what you sow.

You're really judmental for not knowing the situation very well. Those kids often DO have control over what they do to some extent. He's not this helpless victim, that's how these kids enable themselves to act like little s**ts. They go "it's my DISABILITY." Whatever. You don't know what you're talking about. They do have control, particularly if they are on medication.

[Island Girl]

I suspect you would have far more compassion than she indicated in her post.

 

Thanks TBF.

 

I don't know honestly how I'd react or be and I hope I don't ever have to find out.

 

That is as honest a statement as I can make.

 

My friend went through a hell of sorts with her SO's son.

 

He would go to the bathroom in his pants on the way home from school on a regular basis and just sit in it waiting for her to figure it out.

 

He would also get up in the middle of the night and try to climb into her side of the bed sometimes touching her inappropriately while doing so.

 

That was just some of what she had to deal with on a regular basis.

 

I don't know that I wouldn't be completely flipped out.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks TBF.

 

I don't know honestly how I'd react or be and I hope I don't ever have to find out.

 

That is as honest a statement as I can make.

 

My friend went through a hell of sorts with her SO's son.

 

He would go to the bathroom in his pants on the way home from school on a regular basis and just sit in it waiting for her to figure it out.

 

He would also get up in the middle of the night and try to climb into her side of the bed sometimes touching her inappropriately while doing so.

 

That was just some of what she had to deal with on a regular basis.

 

I don't know that I wouldn't be completely flipped out.

Some very extreme stuff. It doesn't sound like ADHD. Quite a bit more serious than that.

[bridget_jones]

Personally I think your BF is WHACK for making you give up all your privacy. I mean MAKING you give him full access to your myspace, email, etc. for ONE mistake How long is he going to make you pay? He's never going to let you forget it. Get your dignity back and he shouldn't have full access to everything. He just wants to rub in one mistake and not let it go. What an ASS IMO. If he wanted to break it off at that point he could have, but you decided to work it out, so that means he needs to get over it. I would change my passwords NOW. He can't treat you like that, get your DIGNITY back. Making you give up your passion of MUSIC for heaven's sake? He's trying to make you pay to the point where you are only a shell of your original self.

Also I know everyone on here is crucifying you for the "cheating" but all you said is you got "too close" to a band member. That doesn't mean you should have to give up every aspect of your life for this guy. Join the band again. If he can't trust you and handle it, his problem. You shouldn't have to keep paying and paying and paying for one mistake.