I Screwed up, but how much is too much?

[Salicious Crumb]

I took a girl to dinner 7 times...does that mean that I pre-paid enough to f**k her friend??? If you can pay after the fact, and establish when enough is enough, why can't you pre-pay that tab and set yourself up for some GOOD TIMES!!! Preferrably with her hot friend!!!

 

What??? It doesn't work that way??? Huh.....

 

And this has what to do exactly with this thread?

[Shadowdog36]

What it means is that the bottom line here is that she cheated. She made the decision to go down that road, and now she's complaining that she's not trusted....on HER schedule!!!

 

It's his decision as to whether he can EVER trust her again, and if she doesn't like that, then she should leave. It's never 'enough' when you've broken someone's trust like that, and that trust needs to be earned, and time alone will not pay that debt.

 

SC... sometimes it's easier to understand the argument when you look at it from the other side, and my post was merely my attempt at illustrating my point.

 

Perhaps I should consider the least common denominator when posting...

[Salicious Crumb]

What it means is that the bottom line here is that she cheated. She made the decision to go down that road, and now she's complaining that she's not trusted....on HER schedule!!!

 

BINGO!!!

 

It's his decision as to whether he can EVER trust her again, and if she doesn't like that, then she should leave.

 

BINGO!!!

 

SC... sometimes it's easier to understand the argument when you look at it from the other side, and my post was merely my attempt at illustrating my point.

 

I am not sure what you are talking about there...you illustrated my point just fine in this one....very well said.

 

That other post just didn't make much sense to the thread.

[Spankie]

I have pretty much let you guys have at it. I am very impressed with the way everyone has worked this into something that doesn't even apply to my question. And also the fact that no one has realized that I actually have brought this to conclusion very early in posting.

I am tempted to clarify more, because even the guy who said I was a saint as flattering as that may be.. has everything out of wack.

Okay.. just a little clarification.

Swingers.. that not just my lifestyle.. like I go screwing 16 people at an orgie and he stays home.. this is our lifestyle and I defend it very strongly. Shouldn't have mentioned it because of the negative response that was surely to come by anyone who is not into it. But we are both and have been very comfortable with it since day one.

The cooking and babysitting is not something I am doing for him to "make it right" this is something I have always done because.. I like to cook, I like them to like my cooking and it gives me a good excuse to stop working for a second and hang out.

Even If I wanted to. reeeely bad become this childs mentor.. parent of sorts.. put time and energy into helping to raise him.. whatever you guys keep accusing me of NOT doing.. no one has invited me to do so.. He is going to live with his mother hundreds of miles away in a less that two months. I am not in any way shape or form going to be this childs guardian in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER.. EVER EVER.. not even by choice.. that is a fact. So my feelings about "raising" him are completely N/A

I am not pissed because I am mistrusted.. I know full well what I have done will effect our relationship forever that there will always be a doubt in his mind about anything I say. I chose to live with that.

Anyway.. there are tons of misconceptions that I may or may not bother to make clear..the danger of writing a quick outline of a problem without enough time to elaborate makes for so many misconceptions..

but HOLY CRAP.. I gotta get back to work..

Maybe if I have time I will elaborate if anyone is interested.. AND NOT TO DEFEND MYSELF.. I only have to prove myself to him.. so I don't really care.. but I have to say that this has become a very interesting forum of people who are very passionate about thier oppinions..

Gotta run

Peace people

_Spankie

[Salicious Crumb]

I have pretty much let you guys have at it. I am very impressed with the way everyone has worked this into something that doesn't even apply to my question.

 

Here is your question:

"But this is starting to suck. Do I have the right to feel that way? Or am I forever at the mercy of my past mistake?"

 

You got answers to these questions...you just don't like what the answers are.

 

Do you have a right to feel the way you do?...no...you caused the situation.

 

Are you forever at the mercy of your past mistake?(even though it was not a mistake)......no...but 6 months isn't long enough for him to even begin to let it go.

 

He will forever be reminded in some way that you f#cked him over in the worst way....he has to pretty much live with it...but you can't handle a few months of him being bitter??

 

Then why don't you just break up...leave him be to find someone that won't cheat on him...and go on to your next man. Let this be a learning experience.....if you are in a committed relationship...leave the relationship the next time you feel the need to spread your legs for someone else.

 

Swingers.. that not just my lifestyle.. like I go screwing 16 people at an orgie and he stays home.. this is our lifestyle and I defend it very strongly.

 

Then why the hell does he care what you do? And you defend swinging....LMFAO...uh...ok. I'm not even gonna say what I really want to say here.

 

Shouldn't have mentioned it because of the negative response that was surely to come by anyone who is not into it. But we are both and have been very comfortable with it since day one.

 

Obviously not, because he doesn't trust you now.

 

I only have to prove myself to him.. so I don't really care

 

Thats obvious.

 

Ok...bottom line...you are both swingers, or so you claim....so really what do either of you have to bitch about?

You both get off on f#cking other people....so he should get over it and go out and stick his member in another woman whenever he feels like it.

 

And if you don't like it...well then find someone else that will be comfortable with that heathenistic lifestyle.

 

So much for love and commitment.

[bridget_jones]

Yes, Salicious Crumb, this is why I'm not condemning her for cheating, she shouldn't have to pay if both of them sleep with other people, then what is the big deal she got it on with her band member? She doesn't have anything to apologize for or make up for, IMO.

I wouldn't be babysitting for this guy anymore, I think he might be out messing around with other women while you're at home being a parent to his son. That's just wrong.

[CaliGuy]

Yes, Salicious Crumb, this is why I'm not condemning her for cheating, she shouldn't have to pay if both of them sleep with other people, then what is the big deal she got it on with her band member? She doesn't have anything to apologize for or make up for, IMO.

I wouldn't be babysitting for this guy anymore, I think he might be out messing around with other women while you're at home being a parent to his son. That's just wrong.

 

Their lifestyle alone is enough for me to repeat: You reap what you sow.

 

If you want that lifestyle, expect to not only have some distrust and heartache but disease as well.

 

If you want to swing, don't be in a committed relationship. It leads to nothing but trouble.

 

Bottom line is she came here for advice and got it. It's just not the kind of advice she wanted to hear.

[lorr]

Give me a break!

 

You have the nerve to moan about the cheating, when on the otherhand the both of you obviously don't give a toss about the so called "swinging" lifestyle. You truly are a hypocrite.

 

As far as I'm concerned the both of you truly deserve each other.

 

 

[Salicious Crumb]

Yes, Salicious Crumb, this is why I'm not condemning her for cheating, she shouldn't have to pay if both of them sleep with other people

 

But you didn't say that..your basis for slamming the guy was your assumption he wasn't in the child's life when it was his career that pretty much made it impossible after divorce.

 

then what is the big deal she got it on with her band member? She doesn't have anything to apologize for or make up for, IMO.

 

Then why does she feel bad about it and why does it bother him.

 

Really...if they truly are swingers...then to hell with them both..they deserve each others crap.

 

But something doesn't jive here with this story.

 

I wouldn't be babysitting for this guy anymore, I think he might be out messing around with other women while you're at home being a parent to his son. That's just wrong.

 

Hey...thats what you get when you are in the swinging lifestyle...they both have nothing to complain about...both he and her made their bed with each other....they can lay in the sh!it they created or they can split and both can find someone else to victimize.

[Salicious Crumb]

Their lifestyle alone is enough for me to repeat: You reap what you sow.

 

If you want that lifestyle, expect to not only have some distrust and heartache but disease as well.

 

If you want to swing, don't be in a committed relationship.

 

EXACTLY CaliGuy. It isn't a committment when you f#ck other people besides the one you are supposed to be committed to.

 

And swingers have no business getting married...there is a vow that does say "forsake all others".

[CaliGuy]

EXACTLY CaliGuy. It isn't a committment when you f#ck other people besides the one you are supposed to be committed to.

 

And swingers have no business getting married...there is a vow that does say "forsake all others".

 

 

I could go into a multitude of biblical verses which tells us exactly why this lifestyle is not healthy mentally or physically. If you want to partake in the pleasures of this world, well, expect the pain as well.

 

"When two people marry, they leave their parents and cleave as one."

 

If you wanna boink other people, don't expect a happy relationship or healthy marriage. It just isn't possible.

 

Marriage implies by default COMMITMENT and neither of them seem to understand what that means. Neither her or him.

[Salicious Crumb]

I could go into a multitude of biblical verses which tells us exactly why this lifestyle is not healthy mentally or physically. If you want to partake in the pleasures of this world, well, expect the pain as well..

 

LOL...very true.

 

I am amazed at jealous swingers and swingers with guilt.

[Spankie]

I am amazed at jealous swingers and swingers with guilt.

 

 

You are not amazed, you are ignorant. There are very rules to the lifestyle. I broke them.

[bridget_jones]

I give up on dating sites because half the guys on there, you communicate with them a while, then they ask you "are you open to having relations with other people, that's what I'm into?"

Ummm, no, dude?

Yeah, perhaps there were logistical reasons with this guy's career that the kid couldn't live with him at the beginning but he totally didn't have anything to do with his kid. I mean on vacays, weekends, there is a such thing as a....telephone? The OP stated that the man had no relationship at all with his son before his exwife gave him to him to take care of. I hope something gets better because I do not think that a swinging lifestyle is good for this boy to be around. Kids do pick up on that sort of thing.

[Salicious Crumb]

I am amazed at jealous swingers and swingers with guilt.

 

 

You are not amazed, you are ignorant. There are very rules to the lifestyle. I broke them.

 

LMFAO...your swingers...you get off on f#cking people besides your spouse....now one of you is jealous and you feel guilty.

 

You asked for it...you got it.

 

So tell us oh wise swinger...what rule did you break? You have to ask hubby for permission to f#ck someone else?

[Salicious Crumb]

I wouldn't be babysitting for this guy anymore,

 

Thats probably because there isn't alot you'd do for a guy yourself.

[Spankie]

I started to go into an explaination, that this foul experience had nothing to do with the lifestyle. Nor any swinger that I nor we had met. We have never had a problem with our swinger friends. yada yada... but so many of you are closed minded as well as vile to others that choose a different environment than yourself. I would assume also that homosexual's, mixed marraiges and generally, people not of your race are possibly a problem for you to stomach also.. Just an assumptions based on your entries.

I don't have a problem with most of the replies from this thread.. but now you are just being silly.. and for some reason extremely aggressive.. (kinda nutty) ANYWAY..

Thank you "most" for your advice.. We have worked through this part of the healing process ourselves. And we will continue to work forward. Thank you all who wish us well... and for those who are going out of the way to be nasty.. I say fairwell and go screw yourself..

Over and Out!

Have a great Holiday Weekend!

_Spankie

[bridget_jones]

Thats probably because there isn't alot you'd do for a guy yourself.

Screw you. Way to take the comment out of context, a**hole. I am very giving and loving in a relationship. However, babysitting for his kid while he's out having fun without me (or his son for that matter) three times a week is above and beyond the call of duty. Sorry, I just don't see this guy as a devoted boyfriend OR father.

This was totally directed at Salicious Crumb, by the way. I was agreeing with you on the swinging, if you could read, so why tf are you going out of your way to dig up a comment I made, cut it so it's out of context, and slam me?

[woe_is_me]

I started to go into an explaination, that this foul experience had nothing to do with the lifestyle. Nor any swinger that I nor we had met. We have never had a problem with our swinger friends. yada yada... but so many of you are closed minded as well as vile to others that choose a different environment than yourself. I would assume also that homosexual's, mixed marraiges and generally, people not of your race are possibly a problem for you to stomach also.. Just an assumptions based on your entries.

I don't have a problem with most of the replies from this thread.. but now you are just being silly.. and for some reason extremely aggressive.. (kinda nutty) ANYWAY..

Thank you "most" for your advice.. We have worked through this part of the healing process ourselves. And we will continue to work forward. Thank you all who wish us well... and for those who are going out of the way to be nasty.. I say fairwell and go screw yourself..

Over and Out!

Have a great Holiday Weekend!

_Spankie

 

"farewell" Spankie

 

And I, for one, am not homophobic nor am i racist .. though what you think this has to do with your child/childrens welfare and original post isn't really clear...

[bridget_jones]

I don't think she should get kicked off. People were being very judgy and wouldn't let up. I think she is trying hard to make up for her one mistake and she really cares about her bf and his son. How do you expect her to react?

[woe_is_me]

I met my perfect match. six mos in his really horrifying kid moves in with him.. Our perfect thing.. going out, playing.. some swinging, lots of open communication, best friends... is interuppted by this ADHD infested nightmare of a 10 year old. He is only here for a year.. thank god.

 

not very caring ..jmo

[bridget_jones]

She's freaking babysitting the kid and caring for him several times a week, researching ways to help him out, and the kid isn't even hers.

[mental_traveller]

Well, if you don't like dealing with kids, don't date someone who has one. If he isn't willing to control the kid, get him treated, or keep him away from you, then find another bf.

 

As for screwing this other guy - if you are swingers, what's the problem? You sound like neither of you had a clue what you were getting into.

 

I agree with the others - you are reaping what you have sown. Learn from the experience and try not to repeat it.

[mental_traveller]

Please.. WHY, AGAIN IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE ON A FULL TIME POSITION WITH A DISABLED CHILD THAT I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONNECTION WITH OTHER THAN DATING HIS DAD?

 

It isn't your responsibility. Just tell the bf to keep the kid away with you, say you have no interest in dealing with the kid at all. Then it's up to your bf to decide if he wants to keep the kid away and handle it solo, or break up with you instead.

 

If I was in that situation it would be done in 15 seconds. "Listen dear, that kid is driving me up the wall. Either I never see the kid again, or I never see you again. Your call."

 

Stop being so indecisive.

[Island Girl]

I disagree that by dating the father she has a responsibility to the child. He has two parents.

 

The fact that she, in fact, has been there through this very difficult time and has made effort where the child is concerned is getting overlooked. She has cooked for them and other things. She is not abusive to this child.

 

She came here about a problem because she cheated with her guitar player.

 

Swingers have "rules" for their relationship as well so that the swinging is kept separate from feelings and intimacy. She broke that when she went at it with her guitar player who was very much in her life and involved in a very big part of her life.

 

So she stopped the band. She has said she'll go back to it but with a new band.

 

All she really wanted to know is how long should she have to be an open book because of her dishonesty.

 

That is something the couple works through. It is up to her if she wants to continue the relationship after she feels it has "been long enough".

 

As any person who has been through any sort of this type of betrayal and still has overcome it -- it takes as long as it takes.

 

The wound is quick to open - long and hard to heal. Very long and very hard.

 

If you love the person you betrayed and want to stay in the relationship you hope for the chance to do so.

 

If the wronged person is willing as well that is AS MUCH as you can hope for.

 

Then you do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to mend the trust and rebuild the relationship.

 

Spankie - he has allowed you two to continue together and work toward mending this betrayal.

 

It will be this way until it isn't. No one knows how long that is. You are asking him to trust you again when you hurt him in one of the worst ways possible.

 

Just take it day by day - as long as you are being honest there is nothing to hide and eventually he won't need the reassurances so much.

 

Then one day he won't need them at all.

 

Good luck to you. This is one of the craziest threads I have ever seen. The bashing has just been so overwhelming. I hope you didn't get the wrong impression of LS. But I fear you did.