The late night pick up vs dating

[Kamille]

I moved back to my hometowm a few months ago and I am having a hard time figuring out the dating dynamics of my city. All the action seems to happen at late night parties after the bars.

 

I do enjoy going out to bars and even the occasional after party, but am not really into getting hit on by drunk guys at 4 in the morning. I don't usually follow suit when this happens, maybe a little kiss and then I leave.

 

I want whoever the next guy will be to at least have the guts to ask me out on a date or something. But it just doesn't seem to be happening.

 

I say this because this weekend, at the bar, this really really cute guy that I hardly know (but who makes me weak in the knees every time I see him) invited me to come over to his house where he was having an after party (many other people were invited). I didn't go because it made me feel kind of awkward. All my friends say it was a mistake and that I should have gone and dragged one of them there with me.

 

What do you guys think? How do I play the late night pick up scene - to get asked out on a date?

 

And how should I proceed with this guy?

[Tony T]

You should have definitely gone to the party. You should also give the guy a call and let him know you're sorry you missed it but you'd like to remain on his list of invitees for the next one.

 

I get the feeling that while you say you're open to dates, you play pretty hard to get. Well, if that's your tactic count on a lot of lonely evenings. Go on as many dates as you can, ask guys to do things with you...take advantage of as many opportunities as you can. Force yourself. It's a numbers game. If you can't do this, get yourself into counseling and find out why you are trying, perhaps subconsciously, to sabotage your social life.

 

Also, be sure to gargle with a breath solution before you go out.

[Porn_Guy]

I would agree with TT...and don't forget the deodorant

[dgiirl]

I agree with the guys. I think you should have gone. I think you are associating the house party too much with a last minute fling, and although that can and does happen often at house parties, it doesnt necessarily have to for you. If that's not your thing then dont do it, but what's so wrong about going to a house party and enjoying the company? Social gatherings are great because you get to know someone before taking all the risks (risk of asking someone out on a date, the risk of being rejected, risk of hurting someone because you changed your mind after getting to know them a little better)

 

You should have gone! Get to know him a little better in a social gathering, feel each other out (not up , and see if there's mutual interest before expecting to be asked out on an "official" date.

[chill chic]

It reminds me of the time that I met my casual ex...I had just left a bar/club after meeting up with a guy that I didn't hit it off with because his friend was trying to hook himself up with me, and the situation was awkward so I just left. As I was walking out to my car, I saw this HOT a** guy standing by his car talking on his phone. We caught each other's eye, as I walked to my car. Now I usually don't have the guts to lock eyes with someone that hard, but it worked, and he told his friend he'd call him back. He said hi, so I walked back to him. He then invited me to a party back at his place (this was at 11pm) and I actually followed him to his home. Yah I could've gotten in ALOT of trouble doing that, but I didn't think about the consequences, just the fun. So...later on, as the party slowed down, his friends left, I was still there, but was on my way out but wanted me to stay. And the rest is history..that's how a one-night stand turned into a 2 year casual relationship. And it's been nothing but games, jealousy, non-commitment games, the whole nine yards. All that has ended now since he's moved back to his hometown, and is now with a gf, well what he calls as a gf, who knows, but I honestly couldn't believe that he could get back into someone else's pants right after we parted ways. We still talk but it's hard, because I had strong feelings for him. I'm just now getting over him, but it's been a tough journey.

 

So long story short, I'm just here to let you know, to be careful of this guy. And bring a friend if you do go to an after party at his house. I'm not sure what his intentions are, but don't sell yourself short. One thing can lead to another and you'll end up like me.

[Kamille]

You should have definitely gone to the party. You should also give the guy a call and let him know you're sorry you missed it but you'd like to remain on his list of invitees for the next one.

 

I get the feeling that while you say you're open to dates, you play pretty hard to get. Well, if that's your tactic count on a lot of lonely evenings. Go on as many dates as you can, ask guys to do things with you...take advantage of as many opportunities as you can. Force yourself. It's a numbers game. If you can't do this, get yourself into counseling and find out why you are trying, perhaps subconsciously, to sabotage your social life.

 

Also, be sure to gargle with a breath solution before you go out.

 

I don't have his phone number, nor do I know of any way of getting it -except for asking him. But he works in a cafe, so what if I just tell him I'm sorry I missed it next time I see him there? I was pretty foward with this guy a few weeks ago. I go to his cafe a lot and we chat about music. I ran into him at a concert a month ago and decided to prompt the introductions by asking him his name and chatting him up. I then proceeded to introduce him as "the cute waiter" to a friend. And he stuck around after that to chat with us which I thought was a good sign.

 

Yeah maybe you're right about playing hard to get. I don't do it intentionnally - it's just that I'm pretty shy and going over to his place, at a party filled with people I didn't know, at 4 am when I wasn't thinking straight felt overwhelming. But I will try to be more foward.

 

Thanks Chill Chic for your post. I think part of the reason I might be playing hard to get is because I have been stuck in non-committal relationships too often when I previously lived in this city. So maybe I have my gard up a bit too much.

 

I think you are associating the house party too much with a last minute fling, and although that can and does happen often at house parties, it doesnt necessarily have to for you. If that's not your thing then dont do it, but what's so wrong about going to a house party and enjoying the company?

 

You're absolutely right that I associated it with the last minute fling. Plus this guy is just so cute that I become high school bashful around him. I freaked out a little when he invited me, honestly and decided to stay in my comfort zone and not go. Next time an occasion like this presents itself, I will make the effort to get over myself and go.