They always come back ... Agh!!!

[Mrjayjay]

Just slightly over a year ago, my ex of 3 years broke up with me. it started out as an affair when things had hit rock bottom with my long, longterm relationship - i found out she had had an affair which she said was a kind of midlife crisis type thing, but apart from that, being with her meant that i was really isolated and lonely a lot of the time, and her work meant she was often distant and neglectful.

 

i felt guilty about it all the time but at the same time, the new girl just brought so much into my life that had been missing for so long. neither of us realised how much in love we were until she ended it. we were both devastated.

 

the way she handled it made it much worse: telling me the breakup had made her realise how much she loved me but refusing to get back with me, loads of conflicting messages, trying to keep me hanging around as a "friend", using me as an emotional crutch but not being there for me... it was a mess. i stopped chasing after her early on and let her make the moves but i couldnt work out what she really wanted. i broke up with my longterm GF for her but it seemed it was too late.

 

because we had had a temporary breakup the year before, i hung on longer than i would have in the hopes of a reconciliation. i kept getting hurt over and over - that brought me to this forum where i found some great support and advice (thanks all concerned! xxx)

 

after about 6 months, i started NC- my last words to her, via email, were

 

"i'd rather nothing than not enough"

 

she didnt reply and left me alone as requested after that.

 

over time, i healed and it got easier and easier. i got back with my longterm gf and we both made a real effort to work at it and things have gotten better.

 

i thought about my ex often but it wasnt painful.

 

it was her birthday recently and i found myself with a really faint temptation to say happy birthday which i resisted. however, i had a feeling of connection and i sensed that she was going to be in touch. then i had a dream in which she was rejecting me the other night, and the next day, she suddenly decided to reinitiate contact.

 

it was a short message to say that she hoped i was doing well and that she was sure i was ...

 

 

sounds innocuous but i feel really strongly that there is a lot more behind it than that.

 

well... the thing is, i have gone from handling it fine to being absolutely in a state over it just from those 2 sentences. against my better judgement, i looked at her myspace and she is still single. everything i missed about her has come back with a vengence, i havent stopped thinking about her since that moment.

 

i realise i love her like crazy still.

 

i love the girl i am with too. i dont want to **** things up. i am really angry she has come to probe me like this. i want to not care but i do.

 

i deleted her message and tried to forget about it but its fruitless. i have written loads of things to her but none of them seem right. she has backed me into a situation where i have to respond, because even ignoring her is a big statement.

 

i feel like part of me is always going to be in love with her and think about how things could have been. as they say, there are always reasons that people breakup - in our case, it was that i didnt have money enough to move and that i never quite wanted to give up on my longterm gf, not anything to do with how the 2 of us actually got on - everything else about it was amazing.

 

i am really doing my best to do the right thing/ best thing and not get dragged back into this but i am just feeling terrible. its brought me to a standstill.

 

i dont know whether to completely ignore her, to tell her the complete truth about how i feel, to tell her not to contact me again... i cant believe my feelings for her are so strong still when we havent really spoken in a year and all of that was really painful and contrived.

 

help!

[Trialbyfire]

Human nature dictates that you want what you can't have. Either split with your existing long-term g/f and pursue your "dream girl" or shut...her...down and stop obsessing.

 

You owe your existing relationship some respect.

[mistizzle21]

do you have a yahoo messenger? If you do hit me up, I think our situations have a lot in common and I'd like to talk to you about it.

 

[email protected] on msgr

[Mrjayjay]

Human nature dictates that you want what you can't have. Either split with your existing long-term g/f and pursue your "dream girl" or shut...her...down and stop obsessing.

 

You owe your existing relationship some respect.

 

 

I completely agree with you and up until 2 days ago, I had worked really hard to get my emotions under control and to do the right thing. i wasnt obsessing about her at all. now i am?!

 

But I have to ask myself: why have my feelings just caught on fire again instantly after a year of either hurt or NC? There is more to that than just "grass is greener" ...

[Mrjayjay]

do you have a yahoo messenger? If you do hit me up, I think our situations have a lot in common and I'd like to talk to you about it.

 

[email protected] on msgr

 

 

i am not sure if my account is still live - i didnt use it for ages. i will reinstall messenger and see - would be good to talk

[Trialbyfire]

I completely agree with you and up until 2 days ago, I had worked really hard to get my emotions under control and to do the right thing. i wasnt obsessing about her at all. now i am?!

 

But I have to ask myself: why have my feelings just caught on fire again instantly after a year of either hurt or NC? There is more to that than just "grass is greener" ...

She's your unfinished business, the one who got away. With her message, she has tantalized your imagination. If you honestly want her, go for it. Just don't do it within the confines of your existing relationship.

 

Keep in mind that this girl might be deliberately doing this to get you back on the hook to stroke her own self-esteem.

 

Bird in hand or one in the bush?

[Mrjayjay]

i did think that it might about her trying to get a reaction from me for the sake of her own ego. she is quite an insecure person... but then why does she even care after a year?

 

 

it's not really about that. i am just shocked/annoyed/upset that she can still get such a reaction from me so easily. i thought i was over her... i guess that is why i posted. my common sense is telling me to avoid her like the plague, but my heart is telling me the opposite... i am being "sensible"... but is sensible the right way to live your life?

[Mrjayjay]

i decided to reply: i just told her i was well and hoped she was too. kind of formal and dispassionate.

 

i think she is feeling bad because its a year since we broke up and she wanted to get some kind of warmth from me to make herself feel better and then run off again, which is basically what she kept doing last year. she has this thing about staying friends with all her ex's - i think i am the only one that doesnt speak to her anymore, and we had the most intense relationship she had. i think it upsets her.

 

personally, i never stayed in touch with ex's. cant do it - i am an all or nothing type of guy.

 

i didnt want her to think that she had enough power over me still that i'd make a point of ignoring her. so she read the reply and hasnt replied for a couple of days. i dont want her to but i feel like she is waiting. i hate these games! i feel like its hanging over my head. i want her to go away. i knew she was going to keep coming back ... shes not here for me but shes not gone either. i told her to leave me alone and she hasnt. i dont get it.

 

what does she want?! i am really tempted to just ask her straight up why she ignored my wishes and broke NC but i dont think she would tell me the truth anyway based on how indirect and guarded she has been before. i really dont want to screw up the great relationship i now have and get back with her but i guess i want some kind of closure.

 

i am trying to sort out the feelings that have been triggered. its actually mostly a flashback to the pain from last year rather than any warm feelings.

 

is it normal to be so affected after a long period of NC? i fear she will always have this effect on me - i cant avoid running into her forever and i dont want to feel like i do now

[Trialbyfire]

i decided to reply: i just told her i was well and hoped she was too. kind of formal and dispassionate.

 

i feel like she is just trying to **** with me. i think she is feeling bad because its a year since we broke up and she wanted to get some kind of warmth from me to make herself feel better and then run off again, which is basically what she kept doing last year. i didnt want her to think that she had enough power over me still that i'd make a point of ignoring her so...

 

i am trying to sort out the feelings that have been triggered. its actually mostly a flashback to the pain from last year rather than any warm feelings.

 

is it normal to be so affected after a long period of NC? i fear she will always have this effect on me - i cant avoid running into her forever and i dont want to feel like i do now

Only you can let her go. From what you've mentioned, she's an attention whore and continues to jack you around. You give her the power to do so. Remember she ran out on you, emotionally and physically, more than once. Not very reliable.

[Mrjayjay]

i had a load of stuff from last year that i wanted to get off my chest. her getting back in touch really triggered a lot of old hurt and bad memories, i really resent it. i mean, i made it super clear that i didnt want to stay in touch.

 

so i wrote her a message and just told her how i felt about how she had treated me and everything. she wrote back and just cooly apologised for writing and said she just wanted to know if i was ok; i was like: what do you care?! i dont understand what she wants from me. she kept doing this last year - one minute being nice and caring and then just disappearing again and being really cold. wanting me to be caring but then snubbing me.

 

i wrote a lot of hardcore stuff, both positive and negative, i really cant believe she was as unaffected by what i wrote as she made out- was it just her feeling lonely and wanting to know how i am feeling about her? i told her that if she really cared about me, she wouldnt have dumped me last year and then ignored my request to be left alone.

 

i am just really really wounded and depressed by her showing up. i can't believe how much it hurts i was completely fine about it up until her message.

 

i absolutely dont want to get back with her and i absolutely dont want to give up my current relationship.

 

so why am i so upset?

 

do i still love her?

 

is this normal? we broke up a year ago, from a 3 year relationship, but then had months of this traumatic "friends" thing.

 

how do other people feel about contact with ex's who dumped them?

[krzr]

broom her fast. you cant be friends with someone that made u feel the worst u have ever felt. she rejected u man basically said i can do better than u or id rather just be by myself. she basically told you that im ok with not having you in my life period. u dont need a friend like that at all.