Should I keep my mouth shut?

[boredgypsy]

I was living with my boyfriend of a year, planning our wedding (no ring but that was only a formality). I went out with coworkers one night, got drunk and cheated, I hardly remembered it, but it started to effect our relationship and after 2 weeks I told him what happened. He moved out that night, and said that it was over. We continued to see each other as friends over the next month, even though it was hard on both of us and confusing to figure out how to act. I left the state for a week, and when I got back we started hanging out and sleeping together again with certain guidelines, no spending the night, no public affection, no more than once a week. I made it clear that I still loved him, wanted him back, and would do anything to make that happen. He was still confused so we took things slow and I tried not to push. Then it got to be too hard to hold back my feelings and said that we should take some time apart, no seeing each other and no speaking at all for two weeks (up to this point we had spoken almost everyday since we broke up, except when I was out of town). I told him to take the time to figure out what he wanted, and he said he already knew what he wanted, me. However he couldn't allow himself to do that, to take that risk. After the two weeks ended, he said that it was really over, and that he had moved on, of course that didn't stop him from wanting to sleep with me that night. It took me a couple weeks to calm down enough to see him again. Now for the last month we've been spending even more time together, always his idea and usually more than once a week. When we hang out he is affectionate, and always wants to spend the night. We've been out in public and he has even been mildly affectionate there, acting more like we are dating than friends having sex. I know he has forgiven me, and I know he still loves me, but I don't know if he's ready to trust me again. I'm afraid if I bring it up he will pull back and think this situation is too hard on me. It's not, I don't get upset or overly excited when we're together, it just feels normal. My question is, should I just wait for him to say he is ready to give it another try, or should I find some non pressuring way to bring up the status of our relationship? I don't expect him to still want to get married, or even to move back in, but I love him and know that we belong together. Any help would greatly be appreciated, thank you.

[norajane]

After the two weeks ended, he said that it was really over, and that he had moved on

 

And yet you've been seeing each other at least once a week and spend the night together.

 

I'm guessing he's as confused as you are, and probably doesn't know what he wants. He loves you and you had a great relationship leading to marriage...but then your one night stand cheating bomb dropped on him. You're still the same person, same relationship, but now everything is different because the trust has been broken and he really, really doesn't know if he can trust you again. He might be able to forgive you - because he really wants to and wants to get past this - but he can't.

 

So, you go back and forth in this limbo. He can't trust you, but he doesn't want to let you go.

 

I think you do need to talk about things. He's being a guy and keeping silent, but it's there. Maybe you can bring it up without making it about you so he doesn't feel he has to pull back. Try asking him how he's feeling. Something like, "Hey, I know this whole thing has been really hard on you...how are you feeling about us these days? It's made me happy that you want to spend time with me - is it hard for you to see me? Do you want to talk about it?" Anyway, those might not be the right words, but something gentle and calm, rather than forcing a big discussion.

[stace79]

I think sleeping together or spending the night is a bad idea. Yes, you are the one who screwed up, but it doesn't mean you should just give in and be his friend with benefits to try and win him back. I think if you are just there for him as a friend, make sure he is reminded once in awhile that you love him and care about him and want to earn back his trust...that should be enough. Be patient, I guess don't see other people to show him you really want him back. But no more sex!

[forever12]

I know how you are feeling..same thing happen with me. We broke up and got back together, then now months later hebroke it off again. I think hes not over it, but being a guy, don't want to talk about it. I live with him still so its very hard on me. My only advice is don't take it to fast.