Some Suggestions?

[Guest]

So a few days ago my girlfriend comes to me and explains that a week ago she went out to a club with her friends and had a few drinks. On the same night I had to work a night shift, so I wasn't with her, and had no knowledge of her going out with her friends.

 

As it so happened she ended up going back to a friend of a friends place.. and due to her being so "tired" (what I think was moreso intoxicated) she went into one of the rooms at this persons house to sleep. From there apparently a guy who lives there came into the room and started to kiss and feel her up - she (thinking it was me) kissed the guy back and was interrupted by a friend of hers and stopped.. at least this is what she tells me.

 

She's always preached to me about honesty and being faithful and the rest of all that (she comes from a Christian background).. I've had two previous relationships and she hasn't been with anyone else besides me. We don't live together and she tells me that she "loves" me and all that, but I really don't know if shes mature enough yet to know it. I'm fairly tied up over her and more time I spend around her the more I feel comfortable and happy to be with her.

 

Lately shes been into the whole going out and partying/dancing and having a few drinks thing, and even suggested to me that she feels unsettled that she hasn't been with any other guys before - and can't appreciate me as much as she wants to. I can see where shes coming from but I still think if I'm giving her everything a girl should want (and I do, trust me) that she should be more than happy with that, and how hard is it to just know whether something is good or bad?

 

I'd started to get used to her going out more often with her friends and having a few drinks, but every time I've been out with her I've noticed that it only takes 1-2 drinks before she is quite tipsy and VERY flirtatious with everyone - especially me. She always complains how it takes a few drinks for her to loosen up and she has so much more fun when she's "tipsy", but I think she goes overboard with alcohol just a bit much.

 

As another point her friends have started acting rather slutty lately, hooking up with guys and dumping her for the night instead of all coming home together etc, which I think she resents them for..

 

All factors considered, I'm not sure whether this was just a geniune mistake due to the alcohol and/or her "tiredness" factor, or whether or not this was something that I should have expected to happen? It's not the first time she's gone out with her friends drinking without me (and without my knowledge) and I'd always feared something like this would happen.

 

Confused and not sure where to take this, any thoughts or suggestions would be great

[norajane]

This is sounding more and more like a recipe for disaster. I think it's very likely that she may do something like cheating, though it sounds like that night was cheating even if she didn't intend it. It sounds like you probably wouldn't be surprised if one day she told you she went out, had drinks, and "ended up" cheating but she's so sorry and loves you and didn't mean it...

 

As to what to do, I don't know. You're both young and she's clearly getting into the party scene, which is not unusual at her age. Unless she's willing to make some concessions - maybe to always call you to pick her up or meet her when she's out or something, you may have a lot of worried nights ahead of you.

 

Do you think you can handle wondering and worrying?

[littlepiggy1]

Lately shes been into the whole going out and partying/dancing and having a few drinks thing, and even suggested to me that she feels unsettled that she hasn't been with any other guys before - and can't appreciate me as much as she wants to.

 

BS meter right here. It's not that she "can't appreciate you", it's that she wants to experience other guys. Quite frankly, it doesn't sound like she's ready for a relationship.

[PDPullmn612]

honestly dude, i've been there and done that. Whenever my ex went out, i was worrying about who she was with and what she was doing...it drove me crazy. take it from me, you dont want to be doing that. why have to worry, its not healthy to have to worry all the time about what she will be doing. and i dont care what anyone says, if you are in a committed relationship there should be some sort of regulation on the whole drinking thing. i'm not sayin that people in a committed realtionship cant. but come on, you know how you are when you drink. if you know you get crazy and cant control yourself, then dont drink that much. she knows how she gets when she drinks, and if she wanted to be mature, she would stop before the point where she doesnt know where she would start doing stupid things.

[Guest]

Thanks for all the replies! Sorry for the incoming essay but I have to get it out there ...

 

First up: "It sounds like you probably wouldn't be surprised if one day she told you she went out, had drinks, and "ended up" cheating but she's so sorry and loves you and didn't mean it..."

 

This is true because we're the very first relationship she's ever had (and I mean everything - no kissing/touching/intercourse or romantic feelings for anyone before me), I had anticipated something like this would happen ever since she mentioned a desire to experience other relationships in order to appreciate ours.. I had anticipated it because she's so inexperienced. I know what alcohol does to people, I've been there and done that - the difference is that I was never in a relationship when I did all that, always in relationships I've been respectful to the other person - not going out without letting them know, always staying in control while drinking around her (or other female friends) etc etc. I've tried explaining to her the importance of keeping in control of things when you're in a relationship, and I still think her mistake was unintentional..

 

I think she is torn between trying to hold onto our fantastic relationship, and trying to experience life as it should be experienced when you're young.. I've tried to warn her about the hows and wheres and whys of situations like this but it just seemed to go over her head, she always thought she would be in control. It's changed now and she whole-heartedly agrees with what I've been saying, but I can only wonder about whether or not she still feels curious about other guys still (she says shes over it and that the other night had nothing to do with it) .. but as far as her intentionally trying anything behind my back, I am certain that she wouldn't.

 

It doesn't bother me that if she is curious though because I can empathize with her and I know how she feels, also because I know that I'm giving her all the things that a good relationship needs.. I feel like if she were to break up with me and go out with another person, she would more than likely come back anyway.. I don't know whether this sounds cocky or not but I don't brag about things like this ..

 

I worry about her because she's a stunner and usually gets the attention of most guys @ a club/party, and also (mainly) because she's so naive about it - genuinely - which I don't see as a good thing. I've tried explaining to her that when you friendly hug and spend time chatting to a guy at a party, they will think you like them, and they will be into her even more if she's funny and attractive/cute/smart etc etc, regardless of whether or not you have a BF or not : it's just the way guys are!

 

We've already agreed that from now on I'll be working less nights so I can be with her when she wants to go out and that she'll be drinking a LOT less and taking things steady for a while. This whole thing has shaken her up pretty bad and I don't want this to put a real dampener on our relationship. One other problem to factor into the equation with all this is that about 3 months ago I had lost my drivers license, which means I haven't been able to pick her up lately after finishing work and so forth - frustrates the hell out of me lol.

 

Just a few questions though.. Is it normal for me to feel like I should cut back on how much attention and love I give her? I mean, I normally pay for all the expenses when we go out, always open doors, lend her my jacket when shes cold, make sure shes OK when she looks confused - all the "gentleman-like things", never abuse her, always respectful and smiling and the rest of it etc etc that I think a person SHOULD do for their SO. Yet I feel like I should cut back on how many things I do for her so that she can realise what life is like without them?

 

Is this harsh and I'm doing it because I subconsciously resent her for upsetting me? Or is this a good idea to help her realise that I'm really a good person and she should be content with me?

 

At the moment things are progressing just the same as they were before ..