? for those who had secret lovers tell your spouse, why would you still be with lover

[lilnik]

Hi

I am new to the boards. I have a question: For those of you in/had affairs and your Secret Lover told your spouse about the two of you, why would you still see the SL? Thanks.

[outofdarkness]

Hi

I am new to the boards. I have a question: For those of you in/had affairs and your Secret Lover told your spouse about the two of you, why would you still see the SL? Thanks.

You need to give more info..This is not enough to give an appropriate response imo...

[lilnik]

Ok. MM and I have been seeing each other for going on 3 years. We have known each other since 17 and 20. We were in love but at that time, he also loved drugs, we had been together for almost 9 years off and on. We married other people had kids, blah blah. Fast forward to 3 years ago, a hurricane rearranged my house for a few months and the night I finally got everything back to normal and plugged up new computer, I saw him on Class mates.com, I had since divorced, but he was/is still married, but I chose to see him anyway=the only time I have done that.

When we first started talking, I found out something that happened before that I didn't know about and hindsight really had nothing to do with me and I lost my temper and called his wife and told her. He was not happy, but still decided to see me. I am just trying to figure out why he would still see me. Just trying to get some input. He has never been the open up and tell you how he feels kind of guy and years ago I had to say it first, but i have not said it since we started doing this.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Hi

I am new to the boards. I have a question: For those of you in/had affairs and your Secret Lover told your spouse about the two of you, why would you still see the SL? Thanks.

 

Because he can. Seriously. If the spouse is told, and doesn't dump him, he basically has permission from her to cheat. He can have his cake and eat it too.

[outofdarkness]

Hi! Your MM may have convinced his W to give him a second chance...All the while, making false promises that he had no intention of keeping. Maybe she does know that he went back to you and doesn't care, but I sort of doubt it. He's most likely lying to her just as he did before so that he can have you both.

You MUST set boundaries and tell him that you can't continue to see him if he doesn't intend on the R going anywhere and is going to continue to lie to his W...and prob. you too...

 

Also, quite frankly, he went back to you b/c you LET him back in your life! Why would YOU want to be back in a R w/ him knowing how he treated both of you??? I would seriously give this some thought and at the very least, take some time away from this R so that you can put things in perspective. You can't do that if he's hanging around feeding you all sorts of lies....Good luck..

[Chapter2]

Something I read the other day REALLY stuck with me and it's very true... Your MM is very likely looking at his wife and saying "how can you give up on us so easily!?" or "Can't you see how sorry I am and that I want to do all I can to make things right?!" or "Trust is a choice...at some point you have to choose to trust me and quit checking up on me".

 

For the WS that truly seeks restoration this is understandable but all too often the WS feeds the wife these lines only to go further into secrecy with his OW. He then places all the guilt for leaving or giving up on the marriage on the shoulders of the BS. I realize the OW hears the same types of comments (I certainly did), I got to hear "how can you just give up on a love like this", but the fact is that you have no idea what his wife is being told. The manipulation going on in both directions is HUGE. I'm not saying its even on purpose (although it may be) but believe this...you DO NOT know the entire story.

 

Love is not supposed to hurt and should never be a secret. Start with yourself. You are worth more than this. Want more for yourself.

 

PS: I realize I used he/she and wife in some places...I am fully aware that this can go for men, women, other women, other men, wives and husbands...did I cover everyone?

[lilnik]

Thanks for the replies. Actually, any time you cheat on someone is a lie. My marriage broke up because of ex's cheating and believe me I heard all the lies he tried to cover, so I did not go into this lightly. Second, his wife knows he still sees me, she and I have talked, but she would like to stay in the country, so she isn't going to do anything. Also, I don't care if he leaves or not, I am not getting married again, so that was all discussed up front. I don't live for what I want for the future because I know life is short and you never know when your time is up, so I live for the moment and enjoy the here and now. We didn't just get in touch and jump into things, we took months discussing all this. I don't sit home and pine for him, if I want, I date, he has to suck that up and deal with it.

And everyone I have been with has lied or cheated, so I take it for what it is. And yes, we both chose to see each other after I told. My question was more out of curiosity if it happened to anyone else and what were their reasons for still seeing the OW or OM. Like I wrote we met when we were very young and we had several years before we married other people and we went through a lot, near death stuff,etc. so we were very close and still are. Thanks again for everyone's thoughts.

[Ruby Tuesday]

There are two sides to every sword.

[PoshPrincess]

Hi

I am new to the boards. I have a question: For those of you in/had affairs and your Secret Lover told your spouse about the two of you, why would you still see the SL? Thanks.

 

I would say it would depend on the outcome of the BS being told all by the OW. For example, I think if the MM ends up getting kicked out of the marital home and realises he still loves his W and doesn't love the OW then he would be less likely to carrying on seeing OW. If he WAS still seeing her he'd be pretty stupid as he would be risking any chance of a reunion with W. I would imagine the only reason in that instance would be for the sex and attention. If they are staying with the W regardless, again it would be probably be for sex. If, however, they truly love the OW and not the W, there's your answer.

 

Summing up, I think that there are 2 reasons:-

 

1. He/she is a selfish b***ard only in it for the sex and obviously doesn't give a t*ss about his/her W/H.

 

2. He/she truly loves the OP so much that they can forgive him/her for anything.

 

Still, who knows unless they have been in that position?! Sorry if any of this sounds harsh. It IS meant to be tongue in cheek!