Coping and learning: victim reacting abusively

[oppath]

My last relationship was good; there was no criticism of each other and there were many affirmations of worth. In hindsight I can see where I was taken advantage of and where I was passive-aggressively manipulated, but all in all it was a good relationship. But she dumped me, and I felt very disrespected how it went down and the reasons she gave me.

 

My ex asked to be FWB not even two weeks after dumping me -- this was her response to me politely telling her it was too soon to be friends and it couldn't happen until I'd fully healed -- I was crass, emailing how on our first few dates we'd kiss and touch each other, and how she told me she wouldn't want to **** me, she'd want to make love to me, and how FWB was ****ing and I deserved better and we both knew it, and when she broke up with me she broke up with my cock. There was a lot of rage on my behalf. I did not know how to express my hurt. I felt used and absolutely belittled.

 

Her response: "I was just joking."

 

This of course set me off again, telling her she had no right to joke with my emotions, that FWB was cruel as a legit request and cruel as a joke so soon after a breakup, and she was incredibly selfish and mean. At this point, all my feelings about the breakup itself came flooding, and I told her how I was hurt how passive she was regarding the breakup and how I felt her reasons were BS and cowardly, etc. I was repetitive and my message was fairly long. I can reread it and I stand by most of what I say as fair. There are a few lines I would retract.

 

Even after that message, I sent a short apology saying "sorry if I crossed any lines; your joke really hurt and set me off; there were some things I did not mean." I didn't get a response.

 

2 weeks later I was told her ex bf of 5 years proposed to her 1.5 weeks before she dumped me (I guess she said no). I was drunk when I learned this and fired off an "F-you, how dare you lie to me. It's pathetic how selfish and passive you treated me. F-you. If you don't tell me the truth I'll tell your ex about me (she had never told him about me; we didn't date that long, 6 months, but she told me she loved me but still talked to him weekly)."

 

I apologized for my threat as it was emotional blackmail and for my harsh words; I did this 2-or-3 times. I don't know why, I never received a response. Probably because we have mutual friends and I wanted to keep things cool.

 

I KNOW I "OVERREACTED" but I've spent most of the past 2 months telling myself I acted abusive. I did not. I reacted as many heartbroken people would in such situations. In fact, I was essentially abused, and I'm playing the classic victim role of blaming myself (and apologizing) after the fact. True, my ex never directly belittled me. I did belittle her in response, but I've beaten myself up so much for this.

 

I've been in therapy and my therapist assures me I did nothing "wrong," that I didn't react perfectly but there is no reason for self criticism, and that he's confident I'll learn from this.

 

What I've learned?

 

(1) The best response is no response; the best revenge is a life well lived.

(2) There is a difference between rage and anger. I reacted with rage. This does not mean I have a rage or anger problem. I do not. What it does mean is that when I am abused, eventually I'll react the same way. I was verbally abused as a kid and have been in an abusive relationship. I am nothing but sweet until I am severely hurt. Then I do react very strongly. Generally, I am quick to apologize. I can grow in this area as I feel I "could" have better projected my anger, but I need to realize I am not perfect.

(3) I realize some residual low self esteem allows me to be taken advantage of, as well as react strongly.

 

Nonetheless, 2 months after my outburst (and almost 3 since the breakup), I can't shake how I reacted. I'm still beating myself up for it. Yes, I did some things that were "wrong", and I did apologize. I think the difficulty is she didn't acknowledge my apologies or acknowledge that she did anything wrong. This makes me feel like I did all the damage (we have mutual friends and I'm semi-ostracized).

 

Why can't I shake this? I reacted in a way I did not like, I apologized, I can learn from this (the only other time I reacted similarly was when my abusive ex told me I was weak when she learned I had been on antidepressants before her, and that she wanted a guy who was strong and could solve his problems without going on drugs), and it doesn't make me an abusive person. She did the damage, not me. I can learn from my reactions and grow as a person. I intend to do this. But I'm still feeling crappy about how I reacted? Sure, I reacted a little too strongly, but it was in response to greater sins. But for whatever reasons, I feel abused (from her FWB request and betrayal), and I feel like I was abusive.

 

I want to put this to rest but don't know how. Therapy is a step, but I moved towns/jobs and it will be a month before I can resume. Perhaps I need to examine how I've been abused in my past and how when I'm traumatized, I react and cope.

[norajane]

I think you are still stewing over this because - even when you acted in rage - you still got no response from her.

 

- you broke up

- she offered FWB and you got upset because you felt that showed she didn't really care about you, but about sex

- she didn't react to your hurt and anger, nor did she acknowledge it...she said it was a joke

- you were even more hurt and angry that she said it was a joke - it made your relationship feel like a lie...you felt used because you loved her and you thought she loved you...but how could she have loved you if she can offer FWB

- you apologized and again got no reaction from her

- then you found out about ex bf proposal and were hurt and angry and let her have it

- you apologized and again got no reaction from her

 

Basically, nothing you do, whether it's to approach her with your feelings of hurt, anger, sorrow, or remorse, gets any kind of reaction out of her. She does not even acknowledge your pain or anger or remorse. THAT is what's bothering you. THAT is what you can't let go.

 

That she is so cold is why you keep focusing on what YOU did and why you are blaming yourself. You can't get to her, so you are attacking the only person you can get to: YOU.

 

Let it go, sweets. She's not worth this. You're not a terrible person, you didn't do anything awful. She already screwed you over; don't screw yourself over, too.

[Trialbyfire]

Let it go, sweets. She's not worth this. You're not a terrible person, you didn't do anything awful. She already screwed you over; don't screw yourself over, too.

Exactly. She's still in your driver's seat. Open the door, push her out and drive on.

[oppath]

Thanks. The difficulty is that I was abused as a kid. The whole "you're good for nothing" sentiments have kept the door locked, as I feel like I DID SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG. Then the "you're nothing but a weak pussy" sentiments kick in, and I feel embarrassed.

 

It took me years to rebuild self esteem and allow intimacy in my life. I know self esteem needs to come from within. I finally obtained it, except for one thing...I just wanted someone to genuinely tell me that they loved me. She did. Or so I thought. And then to feel used...

 

Actually, I stood up for myself. I did not let her use me. I expressed anger when I would naturally feel hurt. I didn't allow myself to be a total doormat. You are right, it is time to kick her out. This doesn't mean someone else can ride shotgun -- it means I need to ride alone for a while -- but I am going to drive...preferably offroad as well as highway!