Lesson of the day: stop worrying, your ex is NOT dead!

[princessa]

I'm an overly sensitive person. I don't watch many movies because most of them involve murders and violence, sight of which depresses me to no end. Yesterday I was unlucky enough to get hooked on watching such a movie till the end. When it was over, I was so sad and instinctively started worrying about my ex, who has started NC about a month ago and hasn't responded to my phone calls ever since.

 

I tried to reason myself, after all, the relationship was going down the drain and I could understand how a break up was appropriate.. But somehow I still couldn't imagine somebody just bailing on the person they have supposedly loved for so long without even saying a word. I think I'm weak because I don't think I could ever do something so awful to anybody. So I just couldn't believe that he could do this to me, and the more I thought about this the more it fueled my worries.. Something horrible must have happened to him because he just wouldn't do this. Not to me.

 

So I caved in and sent a quick email just to check on him. Lesson learned. He was doing just fine. On the other hand, I am not fine anymore. This short email exchange between us has reignited my anger at him, and reminded me of all the anger I felt everytime, during each of our arguments when we were together. Because they all had a common scenario: there was an issue, I approach it with love and empathy, and get ignored and shut down; I approach it with anger and accusations, and I get blamed for using this approach and get twice the original sh*t piled on. For example, this is how today's email exchange went down:

Me: Just wanted to see if you're doing okay. It might sound silly but I was just worried and I couldn't help it.

 

Him: I'm okay.. I just bought a new computer and I'm really enjoying it. I'm sorry I'm still scared to speak with you. I hope everything's well on your side.

 

Me: Well thanks for asking how I'm doing. And here I was, worrying about you. I hope that the new laptop satisfies you, I guess I was never worth that kind of money... or any kind of money for that matter.. or even a worry.. And thanks for confiming that you've cut me off deliberately. Without it I would've never been able to believe that such selfishness was possible.

 

Him: That's the kind of reply I was expecting..

 

 

Well doesn't it sound childish now that I've written it down.. I wish I could just walk away and never look back but I have so much resentment and anger inside that the slightest friction between us makes it all steam out of my ears. I'm shocked and horrified that I've spent two years on a guy who just doesn't care and doesn't feel the slightest remorse for speaking to me this way. For a long time I thought I had started to forgive him.. But I think that was due to the fact that I was making him out to be much more of a better person in my head than he is in reality. Now all I dream is to burn his hair and plant a variety of sharp objects through his body. I should get one of those dolls...

[Trialbyfire]

princessa, this is a classic example of the gender divide. You approach him with concern, his response reflects what's materially in front of him. He also expresses concern about his own emotions instead of expressing concern for you, missing you, etc.

 

There are two languages being spoken in this exchange.

[bridget_jones]

I don't think mentioning buying a computer indicates any sort of character flaw. He was just making small talk. He took it as a "how are you doing?" email. That is a major purchase. I was excited when I got my new laptop, too. I can understand why he wouldn't want to maintain contact with you. I mean why, way after the fact, no matter what he did during the relationship, should he have to face emails from you just criticizing and running him down for how he treated you? It just confirms to him the fact that you two weren't compatible.

You said that he "cut you off" deliberately...well he just was trying to do the No Contact thing, and move on from the relationship, plus he knows you carry grudges.

Plus,Walk, don't you have a bf now? Why does this ex still bother you?

[Island Girl]

Hi Princessa.

 

Tough that you broke NC. It was obviously way too soon to have contact. I think never might be better in this case.

 

I know there are moments when it is hard but you need to do whatever you must to refrain from contact.

 

Things would be better if he just could cease to exist for you. So make it that way. Write out whatever you want to say to him -- anything and everything you can think of and then go to a park and have a little outdoor barbeque that is essentially -- for you -- a funeral.

 

A friend of mine did this and it did really help her get to the next stage after her break up.

[bridget_jones]

Ooops. I confused you with Walk, similar avatar. Anyway, yes, even though he broke up with you, he still doesn't deserve to be getting emails which just run him down. What are you trying to do, make him feel badly? Because he's not going to feel guilty from those accusatory emails, he's just thinking you're unstable.

[brisman]

He even said "Hope everything's well on your side". Perfectly predictably male way of asking "how are you ?", and you flamed him.

 

He'll now be thinking "sheesh. I was perfectly nice and she lost her mind. She hasn't changed, she's still crazy"....

[princessa]

princessa, this is a classic example of the gender divide. You approach him with concern, his response reflects what's materially in front of him. He also expresses concern about his own emotions instead of expressing concern for you, missing you, etc.

 

There are two languages being spoken in this exchange.

 

Do you really think that not asking how I'm doing is really due to some sort of "male language"? As well as expressing concern for himself and not me?

 

My interpretation of what he said was "I still don't want to talk to you, and I don't care what happens to you anymore".

[a4a]

Do you really think that not asking how I'm doing is really due to some sort of "male language"? As well as expressing concern for himself and not me?

 

My interpretation of what he said was "I still don't want to talk to you, and I don't care what happens to you anymore".

 

I would interpet that as: I am moving on with my life...... good luck with yours.

 

He seemed cordial -you went ballistic.

 

I doubt he will ever want to speak to you again and rightly so.

 

Not all people want contact with their X's. Obviously.

[princessa]

I don't think mentioning buying a computer indicates any sort of character flaw.

 

Oh but let's put this into context. For two years he's been complaining about being broke (which he still is because he has student debts). I was the one paying for all of our outings, on top of buying him gifts from time to time. He's never spent sh*t on me, because he was BROKE. And the moment he breaks up with me he goes and spends 2 grand on a new laptop? You really don't think that's selfish?

 

 

I can understand why he wouldn't want to maintain contact with you. I mean why, way after the fact, no matter what he did during the relationship, should he have to face emails from you just criticizing and running him down for how he treated you?

 

Anyway, yes, even though he broke up with you, he still doesn't deserve to be getting emails which just run him down. What are you trying to do, make him feel badly? Because he's not going to feel guilty from those accusatory emails, he's just thinking you're unstable.

 

Because in retrospect, he treated me badly. And yes, I secretly wish he felt just a little bit of remorse for acting so selfishly towards me in our relationship. I feel used, I feel like I've given him everything I had and he never appreciated nor reciprocated it. I want him to feel bad for that. But I know he doesn't, and it pisses me off.

 

What angers me the most is that he seems to only remember my 'unstable' episodes, which in his head justify never reciprocating any of the loving things I did for him. Me being unstable from time to time will never justify how he treated me, because it was caused by the way he treated me in the first place.

[princessa]

Hi Princessa.

 

Tough that you broke NC. It was obviously way too soon to have contact. I think never might be better in this case.

 

I know there are moments when it is hard but you need to do whatever you must to refrain from contact.

 

Things would be better if he just could cease to exist for you. So make it that way. Write out whatever you want to say to him -- anything and everything you can think of and then go to a park and have a little outdoor barbeque that is essentially -- for you -- a funeral.

 

A friend of mine did this and it did really help her get to the next stage after her break up.

 

Thanks for the support... It's not a bad idea.. I don't know if I will do this though because I've never been one of those symbolic people...

[Trialbyfire]

Do you really think that not asking how I'm doing is really due to some sort of "male language"? As well as expressing concern for himself and not me?

 

My interpretation of what he said was "I still don't want to talk to you, and I don't care what happens to you anymore".

While there are men who are capable of understanding women without an interpreter, most find it a daunting task. If he already feels on the defensive, his only concern will be responding to what's said at face value. For some men, empathy is a complete mystery.

[bridget_jones]

You just need to move on because you're not going to get exactly what you want from him. Stop caring what he thinks about you or if he realizes what he did because he has a totally different view of the situation and you can't change that. You can't make him desperately sorry for how he left things and how he treated you. So you have to just move on and stop caring about getting that response you want from him.

[bridget_jones]

He even said "Hope everything's well on your side". Perfectly predictably male way of asking "how are you ?", and you flamed him.

 

He'll now be thinking "sheesh. I was perfectly nice and she lost her mind. She hasn't changed, she's still crazy"....

 

excellent point, Brisman. I didn't find anything wrong with his email either. I thought it was pretty nice.

[princessa]

He even said "Hope everything's well on your side". Perfectly predictably male way of asking "how are you ?", and you flamed him.

 

He'll now be thinking "sheesh. I was perfectly nice and she lost her mind. She hasn't changed, she's still crazy"....

 

I thought that it's pretty universal that a question includes (A) and inquisitory statement, and (B) a quesiton mark? What he said was clearly not an invitation to even write a single line about anything going on in my life.

[a4a]

I thought that it's pretty universal that a question includes (A) and inquisitory statement, and (B) a quesiton mark? What he said was clearly not an invitation to even write a single line about anything going on in my life.

 

well you were outta line IMHO and I am sure he thinks you got a touch of the nutties for going ballistic like you did.

 

He was cordial.

 

And where is it written that he should be, has to be, more than cordial to you......??? Did you stop and think that maybe he only answered you to be cordial and probably really would have preferred that you left him alone?

 

Asking you how you are would open a can of worms he did not want to deal with...... now admit it, if he would have cracked that door open just a bit you would have stuck your foot right in it.

 

email him and tell him how much you hate him and how he is a creep for treating you the way he did...... my bet you will feel better and you will not get a reply.

[princessa]

well you were outta line IMHO and I am sure he thinks you got a touch of the nutties for going ballistic like you did.

 

He was cordial.

 

And where is it written that he should be, has to be, more than cordial to you......??? Did you stop and think that maybe he only answered you to be cordial and probably really would have preferred that you left him alone?

 

I don't know.. Maybe I'm naive but I would have never done that cordial crap to him.. Even if I wanted to be left alone, I would have at least gently asked about him, then just stopped the email chain at some point if I felt that things were getting too warm and preferred them not to.

 

I understand your point about him not owing me anything more than cordiality... But I'm not going to lie, I do feel entitled to at least a "how are you doing" after I've given up so much for him.. I know in my head that I can't control his actions, but I can't stop my heart from boiling at his attitude.

 

Also the fact that he just bought a laptop reinfoced all of these feelings. Because I've given up a sh*tload of money for him as well.... and this is what I get? Man, do I feel stupid.

 

 

Asking you how you are would open a can of worms he did not want to deal with...... now admit it, if he would have cracked that door open just a bit you would have stuck your foot right in it.

 

Not necessarily. Of course I cannot say that this isn't how I would have acted for sure.. We're all burried in denial on and off during the break up process.. but my intention as far as I know was just to check up on him.. Honestly I was being paranoid because he was very depressed and at the back of my mind I was scared that he had done something stupid to himself... I just wanted to put these horrible thoughts to rest so that I was able to move on knowing that he wanted nothing to do with me..

 

But the one thing that I wasn't expecting was for him to really say to me that he wanted nothing to do with me. I hoped that he would be nice and that we'd exchange about 2 emails to tell eachother how we're doing or whatever.. you know the type that's nice to hear... and I was planning to leave it at that.. instead what I got is a blunt "I want nothing to do with you, not even one catch up email" response. That was harsh and it hurt.

 

 

email him and tell him how much you hate him and how he is a creep for treating you the way he did...... my bet you will feel better and you will not get a reply.

 

Why do you have to mock me?

[bridget_jones]

You can't edit his reply back. He did say "I hope all is well with you." You could have said "Thank you for the well-wishes, things are actually not so well with me, I'm still really POed at you" or whatever. I don't see how you read his email as a "don't ever contact me again" email. He was being friendly, I didn't read it as blunt. Plus he is your EX...what do you expect from him? You had the perfect opportunity to be cordial and develop a friendly email rapport, but instead you chose to criticize him.

You can't resent him for buying a computer for himself. Buying a computer, which most people need nowadays, is not something to be resentful over and is unrelated to your breakup.

I think no matter how he replied, you wouldn't have been satisfied with what he wrote back. I think you should just take this as confirmation that you two aren't compatible at all and not contact him again. You can't make him feel what he doesn't feel, you want him to feel sorry, regretful, etc. but you can't make someone feel what they don't. Try to meet a new guy!!!

[a4a]

I don't know.. Maybe I'm naive but I would have never done that cordial crap to him.. Even if I wanted to be left alone, I would have at least gently asked about him, then just stopped the email chain at some point if I felt that things were getting too warm and preferred them not to.

 

I understand your point about him not owing me anything more than cordiality... But I'm not going to lie, I do feel entitled to at least a "how are you doing" after I've given up so much for him.. I know in my head that I can't control his actions, but I can't stop my heart from boiling at his attitude.

 

Also the fact that he just bought a laptop reinfoced all of these feelings. Because I've given up a sh*tload of money for him as well.... and this is what I get? Man, do I feel stupid.

 

 

 

 

Not necessarily. Of course I cannot say that this isn't how I would have acted for sure.. We're all burried in denial on and off during the break up process.. but my intention as far as I know was just to check up on him.. Honestly I was being paranoid because he was very depressed and at the back of my mind I was scared that he had done something stupid to himself... I just wanted to put these horrible thoughts to rest so that I was able to move on knowing that he wanted nothing to do with me..

 

But the one thing that I wasn't expecting was for him to really say to me that he wanted nothing to do with me. I hoped that he would be nice and that we'd exchange about 2 emails to tell eachother how we're doing or whatever.. you know the type that's nice to hear... and I was planning to leave it at that.. instead what I got is a blunt "I want nothing to do with you, not even one catch up email" response. That was harsh and it hurt.

 

 

 

 

Why do you have to mock me?

 

first I am not mocking you..... I am serious..... if it will make you feel better go for it. Write him an email telling him how rotten he is.

 

Keep this in mind... what you want is not what other people want.

 

You need to learn to respect that or you will get the blunt "go away" responses.

 

He took your email and responding in a cordial manner.... what did you want?

 

He is not interested in opening the history book with you......

 

He simply does not want what you want. It sounds like you want him back in your life....... something he most likely does not want.

[bridget_jones]

And the moment he breaks up with me he goes and spends 2 grand on a new laptop? You really don't think that's selfish?

 

How do you know he spent that much on his laptop? I got a really great one a few months ago from dell.com for $800. Computers are really affordable these days.

[princessa]

And the moment he breaks up with me he goes and spends 2 grand on a new laptop? You really don't think that's selfish?

 

How do you know he spent that much on his laptop? I got a really great one a few months ago from dell.com for $800. Computers are really affordable these days.

 

Because he's a spoiled kid and will automatically go for the most expensive one. But even if it cost him 800$, it means that he could have afforded to take me out... just that instead he chose to worry about his debts when the tradeoff was between the debts and me.. but when it comes to the tradeoff between debts and his selfish pleasure, then the debt worries go out the window.

[a4a]

And the moment he breaks up with me he goes and spends 2 grand on a new laptop? You really don't think that's selfish?

 

How do you know he spent that much on his laptop? I got a really great one a few months ago from dell.com for $800. Computers are really affordable these days.

 

and who knows maybe he got a great deal on it, really needed it....... and why do you care?

 

Maybe he is buying a new car too...... and new shoes..... maybe he did not like you enough to spend $ on you.

 

Maybe he is a selfish ass...... but what is the point of contacting him?

[a4a]

Because he's a spoiled kid and will automatically go for the most expensive one. But even if it cost him 800$, it means that he could have afforded to take me out... just that instead he chose to worry about his debts when the tradeoff was between the debts and me.. but when it comes to the tradeoff between debts and his selfish pleasure, then the debt worries go out the window.

 

so if it makes you feel better tell him so..... or let it go.

 

He does not think about things the same way you do. Maybe he wanted a computer to check out chicks online....... but why care so much.

 

you are not allowing yourself to get over him.

[princessa]

you are not allowing yourself to get over him.

 

Yes, and that's because I find it hard to forgive myself for this.

[a4a]

I tell ya what I just got off the phone with my X...... I am cordial, friendly, nice...... not because I really feel that way but because I have to be.

 

I would prefer if I never spoke to the X again. But because of business I have to.

 

Now what is better, like me having to pretend to care or would it be better to say "go away, I really don't care to have you in my life".

 

Who is right or wrong there?

 

I wish I could say "go away"....... do you want to be lied to like I lie to my X?

 

I could care less if the X went to Mars...... I don't care, and some people like me do feel like they really don't care.

 

I have other things to care about. Maybe that is how your X feels?

[princessa]

Maybe that is how your X feels?

 

I got f*cked over, and it's hard to deal with. Him not caring to hear from me just reinforces the feeling that I got so deeply f*cked over. If I can make peace with that then I will be able to deal with him not caring. But for now I just can't help but feeling sorry for myself for giving up so much for him, and it makes my blood BOIL and fills my head with scenarios of me slashing his tires and kicking him in the nuts.