Old Lovers and Confused Present

[lost souls]

A few years back, me and this young woman met, dated, fell in love and were very passionate about one another. We even were planning to fly to las vegas to get married. This all happened in about a period of six months.

 

However some personal things happened and I listened to a friend who gave me advice about "you could do better" then her, etc etc.

 

Her family didnt like me, mother put me on the spot asking me if i was really gonna marry her daughter. THe mother was also sort of an alcoholic so she never had anything good to say about anybody, including her own daughter. ANd both parents thought we were rushing into things, and they were a little too overprotective of their only daughter.

 

Anyway, listened to a friend (whom i am no longer friends with, whole different story, but funny how he is the one who wasn't the good person and not the girl).

 

So i broke up with the girl, but we remained friends for almost a year after. In that time, i was going through some personal family tragedies and one of my closest friends was screwing me over at the worse possible time in my life. I was a mess. Wasn't very friendly and was becoming just angry and depressed at that stage.

 

She remained in contact with me, by my side in times of need, as a friend. Even though i broke up with her, she remained by my side, no matter when i needed somebody to talk to.

 

Anyway, she met some other guy, which i hoped she would. Cause at that time i just wanted her to be happy. It seemed she didnt love the guy, but he was the rebound, there for her guy and he treated her nicely.

 

Well like we remained friends for about a year and then for some reason, i just thought it best that I stopped being in contact with her. I still had personal issues because of family tragedies and a bad friend and so on and i just had personal demons i needed to deal with. And she still wanted me back at times, even though she still was with the rebound guy.

 

So i moved, changed the cell, basically dissappeared.

 

So about a year later, i dated others, went out, did things, never met anybody that i "clicked" with like the ex-gf i thought. Then i started dating some girl, and yes, every once in a while i thought about the ex-gfl. But this girl i started dating, nothing in common with her really but it was odd because her phone number seemed so similar. After a little bit, i realized her phone number was like almost like the Ex-Gf number. Different Area code but instead of like 567-1234 it was 765-1234 . i dont know was weird to me.

 

BUt a few months go by, still dating this girl but i start to think of the ex-gf more and more. Eventually I'm traveling to where she's from for work. Its only like 3 hours away from where i live.

 

And i'm staying there for a week. I dont know, i decide to give her a call, not knowing if she still lives at the same place.

 

And the biggest thing was, i just thought, well, i liked her cause she was beautiful and the sex was good. So most of the time i just assumed it was a lust thing.

 

Anyway, she does, she asks me to hang out with her, which is good because i wanted to hang out with her but couldnt find the words to ask.

 

SHe still is seeing the same Guy she was, rebound guy, but now its like almost 2 years of dating him.

 

Anyway, we hang out every weekend for a month, starts out just as freinds, i was happy for her cause she seemed happy. But the more we hung out, the more you would think we were a couple. ANd i realized that it wasn't a lust thing, i just really enjoy being with her, talking to her and spending time with her.

 

Finally, one weekend we get a hotel and we get all hot and heavy and we have sex. A few times that night.

 

 

 

Problme is, after that weekend, she gets me to drop her off at her BF house because he is all pissed off cause shes hanging with me, the ex-bf.

 

Anyway, i figured, maybe she was just using me to make the BF jealous or to get more attention from him. I dont know. She never was this type of person, so maybe i am overthinking.

 

But we hang out again and again and we do shopping things, dinner things, talk to each other on the phone, etc.

 

So its not like, "BOOTY CALL EXes" or anything or if she did use me, i dont see why she would be hanging with me all the time and get upset if another girl starts flirting with me.

 

I'm not sure if i'm being played or i really dont know what the issue is.

 

I told some friends i'd wait for her cause i dont expect her to just dump her BF, esp after i just showed up in the picture out of the blue, never speaking or seeing her for over a year.

 

I really dont know what to think. I mean i really do care for this girl and wish we could get back together, but as many of my friends told me,

 

"your an idiot cause your sleeping with your ex-gf, your hanging with her without having any of the BF duties"

 

Yeah i wish i could feel like that, but i dont.

 

who knows what to think

[midori]

Speaking as a woman who has been in a relationship that has many things in common with the way you've described your break-up/subsequent friendship/complete dumping of your ex girlfriend, perhaps my perspective will be useful.

 

You need to figure out what you want. What you want: not what you think you can get, not what you think other people think you SHOULD want, not what you think your ex-girlfriend would want if she knew x, y and z.

 

What do you want?

 

Figure that out, get it crystal clear in your mind. Maybe it'll take a while. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your friends about this, or seek other people's opinions. But the relevant question is not what THEY think of HER. It's what you think of her. They don't know her nearly as well as you do, and what they do know is a) based on what you tell them, and b) filtered through their own biases, including their perspetive on you. What I'm saying is that you need to use all of your resources -- your own brain most of all -- to figure out what you want. Writing can be incredibly helpful here. There will be lots of revisions to what you initially write, and that in and of itself can be helpful.

 

So once you've figured out what you want, act on it. Communicate with her openly about what you want, and why. And what you're prepared to do. Doesn't mean you'll get the outcome you want. Knowing what you want doesn't mean that she'll go along with it. But until you know what you want, no outcome will satisfy you because you'll always be doubting yourself. If you're clear with yourself, and honest with her, then no matter what the outcome, you'll know that you didn't contaminate the situation with other issues or weaknesses.

 

If you want to talk about fairness to your ex, being clear is the best thing you can do, because it means you'll also be taking responsibility -- full responsibility -- for yourself and your actions. If you're still inclined to blame circumstances, other people, other issues in your life for why you're wishy-washy, thoughtless, etc., you're not ready to be responsible for yourself. In that case you have no business messing with her. There's responsibility for her to take too -- she will have to decide if she wants to break up with her current boyfriend, and if she wants to try things with you. Those are her decisions.

 

You can't foresee the future. You don't know what lies ahead, no matter what choice you make. What you can do is account for yourself honestly in the present.

[lost souls]

thanks for your advice and opinion.

 

 

For the longest time, honestly, i just claimed to myself and thought it was just about lust and sex with the ex-gf. For awhile i believed what a friend told me about her, etc.

 

Thing was, nobody is perfect, but i should never have listened to the friend. But he was one of my closest friends at that time. And many people talked bad about him, but i defended him even though it cost me some friendships and people giving me speeches and lectures.

 

And the worse was when i really needed somebody, she was there for me, even though i broke up with her, and my friend was the one trying to scam me over and crap.

 

So i realized alot of stuff over the year that i did not speak or see her at all, and in a way it was a good thing because she is more amazing now then ever, and i def cleared my head and life up.

 

Because after the friend thing and all, i doubted my abilitiy to make the correct decisions. Doubted myself and everything really.

 

ANd even though she had a BF, for the longest time she wanted to hang out with me, see me, and i was just going through crap in my life and i dont know, i started to become meaner and just didnt want to be around anybody and felt that she would be better off if me and her never talked again, even just as friends.

 

And for the longest time, i claimed to myself that really she was a beautiful young woman and it was only a sex thing.

 

After getting in contact with her again after about a year and seeing that she seemed happy with her BF, i was honestly happy for her. I always wanted what i thought was best for her and for her to be happy.

 

But she wanted to hang out with me more and things started to change. And just spending time with her is when i really realized that i was lying to myself the whole time.

 

Because as i said, "i only liked her for the sex" was what i kept telling myself and i guess thats what i thought. But after spending so much time with her and getting to know her all over again, i guess i was lying to myself. Because it wasn't just a sex thing, i mean that was always good, but i honestly care about her and just love spending time with her and being with her.

 

We just click some how, we seem to make each other laugh and happy, and we also talk about serious stuff as well. I dont know, cant explain it.

 

I'd like to see me and her get back together and see what happens, maybe something wonderful and special, but since she has been with her current BF for almost 2 years, I just can not ask her to dump him for me, even though me and her are sleeping together and spending more time together then her and her bf are.

 

I mean i guess thats one of the reasons i di

[midori]

You can ask her to dump her boyfriend for you.

 

She will say yes or she will say no. Frankly I think that she ought to break up with him anyway, since she's willing to cheat on him.

 

It sounds to me like you are afraid to take responsibility for what you want. I also notice that you blame circumstances -- this bad friend who wasn't a friend after all, other things in your life. You made your choices. One of them was to listen to this friend. You are the one who did the things that hurt her in the past. You messed up.

 

So what? We all do. If we keep on repeating the same mistakes, over and over, well yeah, that's something to be worried about. But we're all human. Part of being a mature & responsible person is to look your mistakes in the face and own them.

 

If you want to be with this girl, you must speak up. Make no mistake, she's being passive in this too, not to mention cheating on her boyfriend. But she's probably been conditioned by her previous experiences with you to hold back and wait to see what you'll do. So while I'm not applauding her behavior, I do think it's up to you to do something if getting back together is what you want to do.

 

If it's not, if you're doubtful enough that you're unwilling to initiate getting back together, then you should leave her alone.

 

The worst thing that the two of you could do would be to carry on under her boyfriend's nose until he's had enough and breaks up with her ... making it easy for the two of you to get back together without taking any risks. That would be cowardly and not at all decent. Nor would it forebode well for your relationship together.

 

Stop making exucses for yourself, and go after her! It sounds like if you step up and take responsibility for what you want, you'll be able to win her back.

[lost souls]

Yeah, i have to blame myself for breaking up with her and then after remaining friends, for dissappearing from her life, no contact at all, for almost a year.

 

 

But over the holidays things got interesting. We started spending more time together, we bought gifts for one another, and then the most interesting part.

 

She was planning on going away with her BF and his family for the holidays. Even though she told me its boring cause she went last year and didnt like it. So i was just planning on doing what not, maybe travel somewhere.

 

Well a few days before the holidays, she informs me shes not going away with her BF and his family. Dont really know why, supposidly cause the BF mother doesn't like her all that much, but who knows.

 

Anyway, so over the holidays, she stays at my place for over a week. We have a great time, do some things, do other things, we make each other laugh, watch some movies, go out dancing and drinking a couple of nights.. Did some shopping, etc etc etc.

 

We had an overall great time. Like we normally do. Problem came on a saturday night, we went out dancing and drinking and we're having a great time. AN incredible time.

 

Well after dancing for half the night we take a break and sit down. She starts singing songs to me, but then after awhile, some song comes on and i can sense something and i can see in her eyes, water starting to develop.

 

Soon thereafter tears start, and i take her back to my place. Well, she wouldnt tell me what was bothering her. I sort of assumed it had something to do with her and her BF... I just had that feeling.

 

Well after a while of her just telling me "I CANT TELL YOU" , she broke down after i mentioned her BF name. I mentioned tons of other things but i knew what was bothering her.

 

Well, later on she was like "I dont want to hurt anybody" and i'm like your not gonna hurt me sweetie, please tell me whats bothering you.

 

She looks at me and stares then starts to cry and is like, "you tell me"

 

at first i'm like, what, but then i'm like, honestly, i think you miss your BF, i think you really love him, etc etc etc.

 

She starts to cry and is like, "You don't understand"

 

and i'm like, what dont i understand?

 

shes like, "he was there for me when i was going through rough times, you weren't"

 

which is true. I dissappeared out of her life completely, for about a year. When she was going out with her BF.. I mean we were friends after i broke up with her for almost a year and then i must dissappeared all together from her life.

 

So i hold her and tell her that i want her to be happy. ANd i honestly do. So later on i ask her what does she want, she just says "I dont know"

 

anyway she calls her friend up and i drive her to her friends house cause thats where she wants to be at this point...

 

Cause her BF is away with family for the holidays.

 

On the way to her friends house, all these love songs are playing on the radio and she looks at me and is like, "why are they playing so many love songs now"

 

Well i ask her if she doesnt want me to call her or hang with her anymore and she gets all upset and is like , "NO NO, you better call me" blah blah

 

When i dropped her off, we hug and kiss and she's like i'll call you.

 

Who knows if she will or not, who knows what to think really.

 

Problem is, i went to get drunk the one night and just didnt feel like it, sad truth is, i dont know, some friends told me that she should decide and stop playing around, i'm just like, i dont know, it seemed she did decide when she wanted to leave my place.

 

I dont know what to think, one of my female friends was like, finally i got the truth out of me cause i was like, damn, i miss her, and its only been a couple of days.

 

Saddest part is, yeah, no doubt about it, i'd marry this girl.

[HokeyReligions]

I'm like confused, man.

 

You two dated.

You two broke up.

You two stayed friends.

You decided to cut off all contact.

She starts dating another guy.

You come back into her life.

You two start dating again, but she hasn't broken up with her bf - whom you call the "rebound bf"

 

I feel sorry for her rebound BF. Does he know that she's cheating on him with you?

 

She needs to tell this poor sap that she's done with him and either commit to you, or just be single for a while and date a variety of people and be honest with everyone.

 

It sounds like you both need to grow up a little more and just are not mature enough for a committed, long-term relationship. Stop listening to friends and form your own opinions and make your own decisions. Enjoy this time in your lives and don't be in too much of a hurry to take on the responsibilities of a committed relationship if you are not ready for it. You will know when you are ready.

 

Like, what was the question?

[lost souls]

If you would have read, when i was with her is when i took too much advice from others and not from myself. If you would have read most of the post and re-posts, that was a few years ago, i am def not that same person anymore.

 

 

But the situation has become more interesting. Because the BF does not know that me and her are sleeping together, but he does know me and her hang out all the time. In fact recently, she has been staying at my place for extended periods of time.

 

He didn't know this until a few days ago. He wasn't happy but he remains with her and she has told me that "if she wasn't with him, she would be with me"

 

So i got that point and well, not easy, not happy, but i had to move on. HOwever, the next day, she was staying at my place, she is smiling, gives me a big hug and then starts kissing me and holding me and i'm like "What are you doing?"

 

I am not so sure anymore if she is just using me for a place to stay at times, for sex, for making her BF jealous, etc etc etc..

 

I'm not so sure anymore. And i have approached her about this and she got all upset and sad cause i would be thinking that, but who knows anymore.

[mighty bop]

First of all, the guy she is with right now, is stupid. Real stupid. What is he doing? What is she doing? What are you doing?? She is banging two guys and you are hoping she will leave him for you but she hasn't done it yet. Why are you waiting around for this girl while she is with some other guy? I think all cheaters should be shot........