Why cant I stop cheating or thinking about it?

[oannamarie]

I was raped when I was 13, about 14 years ago now. After the rape I was involved with many guys. I felt that in order for me to be in control and get hurt I would intiate all sexual acts and take control. Then I met my husband, a year after the rape. We dated for about four years and got married. We had a son. When my son was three months old my husband started abusing me. I cheated on him when my son was 8 months old. I never had sex with the other man but did have oral sex with him. I stopped the relationship about two months later when I became pregnant with my daughter.

 

My husband was still abusive and now on drugs. About three years ago I was talking to another man about getting together for sex. I never acted on it because I told my husband what I was doing. This was about three years after the first cheating incident. I told my husband I was doing it because he was abusive and on drugs. I also told him about the first cheating incident. He got off drugs and stopped abusing me and had done so now for about two years.

 

In between all of this I would start counseling for the rape but would never follow through with it. I have not felt the need to cheat on my husband and basically forgot about the rape until recently. I work for a law firm and have recently started working on a rape case. It brung back all of the memories. I started counseling again about a month ago. I now feel the need to have sex with other men. I try to use the control thing that I do with my husband but it doesnt seem to make me feel better. I dont want to cheat but have this uncontrollable urge to take control of another man.

 

What should I do? I am desperate for help. My counselor told me to use this urge with my husband. I am so scared to have sex with him. I told her this and she said it was because he was abusive and I look at him as though he is in control of me as if he was the man who raped me.

[LakesideDream]

In my opinion, and it's nothing more than an opinion, first things first, see a mental health professional not a "counselor" and begin processing the trauma from the rape 14 years ago. Most rape victims suffer severe post tramatic stress, and other complications from the physical violation. It's real, and it is usually treatable.

 

You are an adult now, employed in the legal profession. You should be able to comprehend how important the psycological damage done by the rape is/was. When you were younger you incorrectly chose to deal with it yourself. Don't continue that mistake. Make that appointment.

 

I will keep you in my thoughts. Best of luck.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with Lakeside. Also, take the first step towards control over your own life. Walk away from the abuser, for your own good and potentially the good of your two children. Most abusers don't stop at adults.

[oannamarie]

Thanks for the reply. When i stated I am going to a counselor I should have said I am seeing psychotherapist. I am also going to a phsychiatrist later this month to be put on medicine again. That was the first avaiable appoitment I could get. I havent told my husand of these recent feelings. I dont want to hurt him. Do you think it would be a good idea to tell him?

[oannamarie]

My husband isnt abusive anymore. He hasnt been for about two years. In fact we are both going to marriage counseling. We fight alot and are trying to resolve those issues.

[forever12]

i agreewith the rape thing, and you wanted to cheat...i was there...its not easy to deal with..so now i go look for sex when i'm depressed, since me and my ex broke up, we have sex everynight, and its b/c its my way of dealing with it,,and i only have sex with him b/c i still have the need to be faithful to him...so its normal to want to cheat.. i feel for ya.

[Javelin]

Tough situation, but you have to move on from your past Marie.

 

If you continue to let it rule over you, your marriage, children, and husband maybe put into jepordy. Remember, he changed for you; now you will either need to let those old memories go (which is not easy, I know) or dewell and hurt the people you love.

[megnog]

i have never been raped so i don't have the same feelings you do , whatever traumatic experiences you have had in the past and how they have affected you. but my advice to you is to try and remain in control of yourself. maybe start small by controlling something else in your life, like what you eat if you want to lose weight, etc. by doing this you are gaining self control and you are making baby steps to a big improvement.

 

if you don't want to cheat, if you don't want to have thoughts about cheating, tell yourself you wont and that you believe in yourself. just like the person before me said, your husband made a change and that is good for him, now you need to make this change and keep it.

 

i don't know how your husband would handle it, but like your therapist said, try to take out your urges on him. if you can gauge the situation and know that he can handle this, tell him that you've been having these urges to cheat on him even though you know you wont and you don't want to. tell him that if you are able to, when you have these urges you'd like him to be there so maybe being in his presence wiill help you. i'm not positive where these urges come from - is it when you see an attractive male? or is it just random?

i hope that helped.