Found my perfect match in a Friend

[LionHeartedRomance]

This is a long long story with a lot of information, but I will do my best to summarize it. I have a friend who I've known for a very long time going on just about 7 years now. Well the first couple of years we were very close. We would hang out nearly everyday, talk on the phone for hours. But as time went on we kinda grew apart (I believe primarily because she was always romantically involved). My friend is the type of person who has always been in long term relationships.

 

Well I should also probably mention that I fell for my friend pretty hard almost immediatly after we met. Well time flew by, just about 4 years, and we maybe had spoken a couple of times a year. After meeting her every woman I met there after seemed, in my mind, to be compared to her and fall short. I never met anyone that I was so comfortable and compatible with in my life like my friend. I also should mention that letting her slip away from me was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

 

Recently, out of the blue I recieved a call from this person. If I were to describe my mood when I saw that she had called at the time was a mixture of butterflies, excitement, joy, and curiousity. Well it turns out that she is still dating her current b/f of a few years. This of course bugged me but just the fact that I got to talk to her after such a long was indescribable. It just so happend that when she had called me was the same day her b/f went away on a week long trip.

 

The moment we talked felt like time never went by and we were just like old times. Of course this did not sit well at ALL with her b/f. He has suspicion to no end. This is of course causing some problems between them. Nearly the entire week he was gone was like he was a police interrogtor and she was the one being interrogated. But it has gotten to the point where talking and hanging out with my friend seems out of the question with him around. I should also probably mention that that one week that we hung out and talked was one of the most meaningful week of my life. I have fallen so hard it feels like I jumped off the empire state building with a missle tied to my back.

 

I would never try to steal her away from him, but it hurts to know that I may never get a chance to completly be with her. She has reassured me that she has talked to him and that we will still be able to stay close. And also that he would have to learn to deal with it but I know in my heart that as long as they are together things will never be the same. In one week my friend and I have probably talked for a total of 24hrs. I would call her and she would call me every day.

 

My question for everyone is what exactly would you do in my situation? Should I tell my friend about my feelings and ultimatly risk losing and type of contact with this person? or should I leave it to chance hope that things don't work out and try my luck after the dust settles? I have to believe that she does care about me in some way shape or form why otherwise would she risk losing her long relationship over an old friend? Please any help would be GREATLY APPRECIATED! thank you in advance.

[Guest]

Lion,

 

I wouldn't tell while she is still with him. You would end up putting her in a position where she has to choose between her b/f and your friendship. From what you've written so far I think you would come out on the lossing end. Sorry.

[2ndIINone]

speaking from experience from a similiar situation....

 

take two steps back. DO NOT express your feelings. Just assume she knows them already and back off. In fact, it's not in your hands as long as she's in a relationship with someone else.... nor do you wanna be the 'homewrecker'. The fact that she jumped to call you as soon as he split... tells me she thinks about you often, but is limited to contact you. (mostly because of him) You really can't blame her for that.... she is in a relationship and probably finds herself torn at times.... torn between keeping in touch with you and aggrivating her boyfriend.

 

If you express your feelings, you'd be pushing her into a corner... creating pressure... and pressure NEVER helps the person who caused it.

 

My ONLY advice... be there for her when SHE makes contact or calls. I wouldn't initiate anything as long as she's involved. But I wouldn't turn my back to her either.

 

I once opened up to a friend... just after she opened up to me as her relationship was crashing... then all hell broke loose. Currently, we don't talk anymore and if I do say HI to her.... I get a snobby (this guy loves me) attitude back. In fact, I'm sorry I ever told her how I felt. I've also learned, you can't/shouldn't be friends with a girl/woman... if you could potentially have feelings for her. Never become her 'buddy'.

 

If she contacts you again, treat her like she's special, (fun, energetic, flirty, confident, secure).... but not like she's a buddy. Because you don't want to become a 'doormat' or someone to lean on.

[bridget_jones]

I think you should just tell her. She is in a relationship of several years but this guy hasn't asked her to marry him so there are obviously problems there. she has herself a noncommital guy.

You spend a lot of time with her, take her to lunch and TELL her. Just say "Hey, you know, I've always had feelings for you and wondered what it would be like if we dated."

That is not directly stating that you like her now and want her to break up, if she likes you back, she'll tell you. If not, she won't bite. I don't think she'll get upset. She might be happy she can get out of her relationship going nowhere.

[LionHeartedRomance]

Hey guys, thanks for all the comments. Well we were hanging out alot but thats when her boyfriend was out of town. He just got back recently and we haven't hung out since. He's been back for 2 days, the night after he got back she did call me however. We talked for about 15 minutes (not like are usual marathon conversations). But it was a great conversation with alot of laughing, guess thats a good thing. Now I'm finding myself jumping at the phone everytime it rings hoping to see her name. Geez I'm in harder then I thought. Well thanks for all the support I'll keep you guys posted....

[2ndIINone]

I think you should just tell her. She is in a relationship of several years but this guy hasn't asked her to marry him so there are obviously problems there. she has herself a noncommital guy.

You spend a lot of time with her, take her to lunch and TELL her. Just say "Hey, you know, I've always had feelings for you and wondered what it would be like if we dated."

That is not directly stating that you like her now and want her to break up, if she likes you back, she'll tell you. If not, she won't bite. I don't think she'll get upset. She might be happy she can get out of her relationship going nowhere.

 

Not for nothing, but 3 days ago, you bashed a girl for telling her guy'friend' that was flirting with her.... that she had feelings for him. Basically you told her since she KNEW he was in a relationship that she was 'out of line' as you put it... for opening up to him KNOWING he was dating someone and trying to come between them and ruin his relationship with the other girl.

 

And now, this poor guy is in a very similiar situation and you advise??? him to bring up his feelings for her??????? Are you for real?

 

 

Buddy, if you open up to her at this crucial time of her relationship and YOUR friendship??? Then you can kiss that friendship goodbye. Word to the wise.

[LionHeartedRomance]

I'm also wondering if I should try to call her every once in awhile or should I just wait for her to call me? I want her to know that although her b/f is back I'm not going to let that affect my interest in her. thanks again!

[2ndIINone]

I'm also wondering if I should try to call her every once in awhile or should I just wait for her to call me? I want her to know that although her b/f is back I'm not going to let that affect my interest in her. thanks again!

Although some INexperienced ones may disagree....

 

I say No.... don't call her. She's in the relationship, and you are not. Don't let her calls to you while her ex was away mess with your mind. It's not worth it. Let her call you if SHE wants to talk or speak to you. Don't be rude, for God's sake DON'T get emotional with her ... don't talk about feelings in any way whatsoever. If she does call, accept it, listen, keep it short.... but I wouldn't pursue her at all. When ya get tempted??? Just remind yourself.... she has a boyfriend.. Believe me buddy, I've been there. The hardest thought to fight is that you know you'd be better for her then him, based on your history. But unfortunately, it doesn't work this way.... Cause if she herself felt like that too, then she'd be knockin' on your door after she dumped him. Giver her space.... hopefully dude will mess things up for himself.... and THEN she'll be calling you.

[Arazi1982]

I fell for a friend once, went through the whole soul-searching thing, read all the advice.

 

These were the 2 posts that ended up being the most accurate.

 

She likes you as a friend...

 

You accept being friends with women...

 

Sorry, but I think you haven't a chance. 7 years, she knows you like her, girls always know, its painfully obvious. But she's not interested nor ever will be in a relationship with you. She's up on a pedastal right now. You need to realise that she isn't your "perfect match". If she was, she'd like you that way too. You're offering yourself as a punch-bag - she whines to you, she sleeps with her boyfriend. You're not the first, and you won't be the last to find yourself in this situation.

 

The solution is always the same: Find someone else.

[2ndIINone]

I fell for a friend once, went through the whole soul-searching thing, read all the advice.

 

These were the 2 posts that ended up being the most accurate.

 

She likes you as a friend...

 

You accept being friends with women...

 

Sorry, but I think you haven't a chance. 7 years, she knows you like her, girls always know, its painfully obvious. But she's not interested nor ever will be in a relationship with you. She's up on a pedastal right now. You need to realise that she isn't your "perfect match". If she was, she'd like you that way too. You're offering yourself as a punch-bag - she whines to you, she sleeps with her boyfriend. You're not the first, and you won't be the last to find yourself in this situation.

 

The solution is always the same: Find someone else.

 

cold hard brutal truth..... as I agree. BUT,

there are exceptions.... providing one plays their cards right. Playing cards right meaning NOT playing any sort of head games.

 

Being in this situation, and learning/realizing I did everything I could... wrong.

I was able to coach a 'friend' through the same exact situation. (long time friends, he had feelings, she had a on/off again boyfriend. yada yada yada) All my advice to him was the exact opposite of what I did in my friendship/relationship. He was friends with her for almost 10 years... holding back his feelings forever as she dated others, but always turned to him as a 'friend'. When he decided to step up to the plate and engage her in something 'more'... he asked me first and how I would handle it NOW.

Three weeks after the 'move'... he was dating/sleeping with her and very happy. Five months later, today.... they're still dating, exclusively. He will marry her.

 

My point.... again, there are exceptions, nothing is impossible providing you 'handle' it correctly.

[LionHeartedRomance]

2ndIINone I agree with you. While she may be with her b/f now I believe that if I do play my cards right I may have a chance. I believe that the only reason she still with him is because she doesn't have any friends outside of her relationship. I think that by her being in this position she doesnt want to leave because she doesn't like to be single. So because she only see's her b/f she doesn't have anyone to show her what she may be missing. This is my theory right or wrong even if she's with him now I do not believe it to be true love.

[2ndIINone]

well, you do have a history there... as I had once... but I goofed it up. said too much and showed too much at the wrong time. Pushing her away. You'd be surprised how what you THINK is the right thing to do, is actually so very wrong.

 

Regardless, it's a long road, with no guarantees... so don't put too much effort into it, if you know what I mean.

[Guest]

Lion,

 

You have no right to try and inject yourself into another's relationship no matter how you think they may or not be getting along. You don't leave a relationship for another person. They rarely last because after the honeymoon phase wears off there's not must trust there. You leave because it isn't working anymore.

 

How would you like someone doing this to you? If you do care about her then don't try and put her in a situation where she'll feel guilt and pain.

[mental_traveller]

well, you do have a history there... as I had once... but I goofed it up. said too much and showed too much at the wrong time. Pushing her away. You'd be surprised how what you THINK is the right thing to do, is actually so very wrong.

 

Regardless, it's a long road, with no guarantees... so don't put too much effort into it, if you know what I mean.

 

Could you tell us what is the right and wrong way to play it?

[2ndIINone]

Yea, in a nutshell.... don't follow your heart OR any silly 'love' crap you see in movies. Whatever your FIRST instincts are..... do the complete opposite. When you're not being treated right or the way you deserve, 'some' try to change or get the person to act or treat them in a certain way.... this will ALWAYS drive the person away further.

 

Best bet, keep your distance.