can he learn respect?

[jade]

I have been in a somewhat long distance relationship for three years. We are both 27. I love my boyfriend very much, he is very smart, fun, handsome and we have alot in common. We have talked about marriage. As a person, he is the man I have dreamed about being married to. I know he has the same ideals about a family as I do and has always taken good care of me. I know he loves me. THE PROBLEM IS that I sometimes get the feeling that he doesn't respect me. He doesn't do it to hurt me but, he makes comments about how my career choice is so much easier and less demanding than his. When I have had a hard day at work and come home tired he still expects me to rub his back without offering to rub mine until I complain. When we make plans to see eachother he assumes that it's not a problem for me to miss a day of work, but if I ask him to do the same it is out of the question. He expects me to cancel plans with friends to make plans with him. When the two of us do go out, it is what he wants to do, if I make plans for us he complains about them. I try to talk to him about these things as they happen and he is always apologetic and says he knows I am right. But as soon as I get over one thing, he does something else that makes me wonder. He has really had no example of a good relationship in his life so I am trying to be patient. I am afraid he will never respect the person I am, and I find myself giving in to him to avoid dealing with it. I feel I should move on but I have invested so much into this and I love him. What should I do?????????

 

Sorry it's so long. THANKS

[Bethany]

You say he is the man of your dreams and then go on to say you wonder if he respects you. Honey if he were the man of your dreams he would respect you for you. It doesn't matter how much time you have put into it, if he doesn't already respect you he never will. Its a problem in him not you, just get out while the getting is good.

[Excelsior]

Jade,

 

just as a follow up to Bethany's reply...I would agree that you may need to move on, but you have to give this guy a chance. The way you do that is by showing him this post you have put up...or at least summarizing it for him in person. One of the biggest problems with relationships is that there is not enough honesty...at least tell him your thoughts and feelings...about the respect, in the same way that you have expressed them here- When you said you mentioned it to him before, it seemed as if it was only one thing at a time. You need to show him the totality of how he seems to be disrespecting you and making you feel this way. After you share your feelings, tell him that you love him...but that you need this respect for things to continue. He will then either have to make a genuine effort to improve, or forget about this relationship.

 

Hope that helps somewhat...I wish you all the best.

 

Sincerely,

 

Excelsior

[Richie]

Jade,

 

The problems what you have given is not very serious to break off. I won't respect someone who don't respect themselves. So he doesn't have any problem. You have the problem. You don't respect yourself. Put yourself first. Love and respect yourself. If you are going to cancel all your plans the moment he asks you, he would certainly think that your plans are not worth considering. If your plans are very important and scheduled earlier, then go with it and Tell him straight way, i cannot cancel my plans flat out. Period. Be assertive. Don't do anything if you don't like to do. If you are tired, tell him, i am tired i cannot rub your back. He may be hurt. But if you are going to rub him, you become hurt. So put yourself first. That is what people with self-respect will do.

 

If someone tells me, "You are the stupidest guy I have ever seen in this world", i would say "Yes. You may be right. Sometimes i do stupid things." This is a way of responding to criticism. The person critisizing won't continue. He will critisize more and more, if you try to argue or protest against his view. The technique is called "FOGGING". If he tells you, your career is not demanding and makes fun of your career choice, follow this technique. The motive is to stop him critisizing you. You don't believe, your career choice is bad.

 

When he realises, you have self-respect, He will respect you.

 

-Richie

[Guy]

It's rough when someone does things like this without being aware. I too am in a situation like this (even posted about it under a different name Talking helps a lot, but like you mentioned it always seems to be "yes, you're right, I'm sorry, blah blah blah" and then sooner or later your right back to the same old situation. But like you I love my sig other and it's very hard to walk away from someone who is basically good, just a little selfish...and doesn't mean to be. Basically what it comes down to is that your guy is inconsiderate. He just doesn't try to think about how things are for you. Is that a reason to break up? Guess that depends..putting up with it for now may be ok, but careful before you decide to put up with it for the rest of your life. Don't back off but kind of keep things right where they are until you have some more time. Talk to him about it often, being careful not to accuse. If you are able to describe how his actions make you feel it'll help, but it sounds like you've already got that down. Watch for signs of improvement, just small things. That'll at least be a sign that he understands your position and is trying to think of you sometimes. Just don't expect too much too soon, it takes a lot of time and a fair amount of arguments, oh I mean talks

I have been in a somewhat long distance relationship for three years. We are both 27. I love my boyfriend very much, he is very smart, fun, handsome and we have alot in common. We have talked about marriage. As a person, he is the man I have dreamed about being married to. I know he has the same ideals about a family as I do and has always taken good care of me. I know he loves me. THE PROBLEM IS that I sometimes get the feeling that he doesn't respect me. He doesn't do it to hurt me but, he makes comments about how my career choice is so much easier and less demanding than his. When I have had a hard day at work and come home tired he still expects me to rub his back without offering to rub mine until I complain. When we make plans to see eachother he assumes that it's not a problem for me to miss a day of work, but if I ask him to do the same it is out of the question. He expects me to cancel plans with friends to make plans with him. When the two of us do go out, it is what he wants to do, if I make plans for us he complains about them. I try to talk to him about these things as they happen and he is always apologetic and says he knows I am right. But as soon as I get over one thing, he does something else that makes me wonder. He has really had no example of a good relationship in his life so I am trying to be patient. I am afraid he will never respect the person I am, and I find myself giving in to him to avoid dealing with it. I feel I should move on but I have invested so much into this and I love him. What should I do????????? Sorry it's so long. THANKS