His ex.......am I crazy for disliking her?

[newgirl36]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Ok here is my story. I met a man, and he has been divorced for about 10 years now. The woman he was married to already had a three year old daughter when they met, anyway they fell in love, or I suspect at least he did, they got married, and 9 months later they had chandler their son and 2 months after that she left him with two sick kids to go out partying and ended up spending the whole weekend with a guy. Well he found out about it and left. But the thing is she has a heart condition and so he feels like he owes her something, he said once to me that she did something for him that he can never repay so for that he makes sure that her and her children never go hungry. The thing that he is talking about is having his son. Which ok she has this heart condition so it is really tough to have kids she has a really tough time… but she has done this for three other men too, she keeps having them. So I don’t think it is something that he has to be in deb t with her for the rest of her life. Also she says they are best friends, he says they are best friends. They talk all the time, he will talk to his son for about 10 minutes then talk to her for 15, he loves all of her children, everytime we go to pick up his son, we always have to wait for him to talk and play with all of her children, which sometimes takes up to 30 minutes. He says that he can’t help it they are just so cute. She always makes a point of making him hold the new baby. Before we met he had pictures on his bedroom wall of her, which I made him take down. He told me he had a quickie wedding and then we moved in together I found an album of him and his ex on their wedding day, and they had a huge wedding in a church. Everytime I talk bad about her he gets angry, he says it is because he is so tired of talking about the same thing over and over that all he sees is she is chandlors mom. She is always making comments when I am around. There are things that I see that he gets angry and says I am just imagining. Like chandler loved my brownies until he told his mother that I was the best brownie maker ever . Ever since then chandlor says he is not into brownies anymore. And won’t eat nothing that I cook, I know what happened she let chandlor know that it upset her. So now he doesn’t want to touch my brownies. My boyfriend cannot see her for the catty manipulative b that she is. All he sees is the woman that risked her life for him and three other men. Just now I am looking through our monthly phone bill to make sure there aren’t any incorrect charges two times on his lunch break on a weekday while his son is at school, he called her one was for 25 minutes and the other for 31. When his son is in school what do they need to talk about for that long. She emails him……….I can never talk about it, he tells me she is chandlors mom so I need to get over it or he is leaving me. I am just so frustrated I wake up with a crick in my neck every day. Am I crazy and if so how do I stop being so crazy. She makes a point of saying things in front of me, like I confused your jacket for mine, letting me know that they dress alike, which they do, I heard him on the phone one night talking about how him and her agree on just about everything. He says he was talking about her and him when it comes to decisions on their son. I don’t trust her and I don’t like her. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/sIZE][/FONT]

[justpassingthrough]

Why wouldn't you trust her? You haven't said anything that implies she's still trying to bag him, only that they are still on friendly terms.

 

The reality is they have a child together, they happen to get along, and the man you're involved with appears to be quite kind (which isn't a bad trait).

 

I believe you're jealous. It's not a matter of whether you like her or not because that's HIS relationship, not yours.

 

If you prefer a man who starts a "new life" and forgets about his children then that's the type of man you should have involved yourself with, not one who takes care of his child and makes an effort to get along with the child's mother.

 

And, just so you know, it is possible to throw a "huge" wedding together rather quickly.

[littlekitty]

Firstly, you either need to accept this women in his life, or move on. She is the mother of his child, and due to that, she is NEVER going to go away.

 

It is good that they have a good relationship, it's most certainly in the best interests of the child.

 

And of course he is indebted to her for the rest of his life for his child. It is his obligation to support that child for the rest of his life, whether you like that or not.

 

It is good that he spends time with all of her children. They are after all his child's brothers and sisters.

 

Now, there are some things here that make me uncomfortable, and I'll be honest about that. (I am marrying a man with a son from a previous relationship too.)

 

They are best friends? Ok, well that sounds good. Good for the children. Personally I wouldn't be comfortable with that level of friendship between my partner and an ex. Yes, that's down to my own insecurities and I do accept that. Others would be fine with that. I could certainly accept friendship and a good relationship based around the children. But a full on 'we're best friends' thing would bother me some what.

 

Pictures of her on the bedroom wall? Hmmm... were they still there because he was lazy? Were you his first relationship since splitting with her? Did you ask him why they were still up?

 

I agree with the poster above that a quickie wedding can still be a church wedding.

 

Also bad mouthing the ex is isn't appropriate and isn't going to get you anywhere. It especially won't win you favours with him, since he clearly has a good relationship with you.

 

The stuff with the brownies, it's going to happen. Women do not like other women mothering their children. It hurts them, and you have to try to see that from their view point.

 

On the whole your bf sounds like a stand up kind of guy. He's doing right by his son and his ex. Would you like him as much if he wasn't? If he didn't care about his son at all?

 

I think the speaking to each other for 30mins at a time is probably fine. They may well be discussing their son and issues around that. However, with that said, that would all be very, very dependant on how my H2B was dealing with things. Was he being open with me about how often they talked, and what they were talking about. Was he reassuring me? It can be un-settling to be the new woman in these situations, and having the ex as part of your life is difficult. I think it does require your partner ensuring you are reassured. But you also have to remember that their relationship is over. It is over for a reason. They have both moved on and have not got back together, which they could do if they wanted to?

 

Does he discuss this openly with you? It all really depends on how open and reassuring he is with you.

 

How long have you been together?

 

Bottom line is though that he has told you - accept his relationship with his son and his ex, or move on.

[norajane]

I think you need to trust your gut instincts on this one. The thing that struck me is how anxious and tense you are, and how angry he gets at you when you want to talk about this issue.

 

In my opinion, even if there is nothing out of line going on, that he can't talk to you and reassure you as often as you need to be reassured is a big red flag to me. Getting angry and telling you that you're imagining things is hardly reassuring. Telling you that you can never talk about it and you just need to get over it, also isn't reassuring and sounds pretty cold, actually.

 

If he loves you, I would expect him to want to help you feel better about this, not tell you that you can't speak up when you're obviously hurt. Yeah, maybe he's tired of defending himself if this has been going on a while, but at the same time, it's still bothering you, so he obviously hasn't been able to convince you he's sincere about his denials.

 

He shouldn't be best friends with his ex. You are his lover, the woman in his life. He should be best friends with you.

[LakesideDream]

Hmmm... sounds like the problem is yours. In this day of "walk away dads" this guy you complain about with such bitterness is doing exactly the right thing. Keeping in touch with his child, and making sure the boy has a good life.

 

In order to do this the childs mother needs to be in his life. If I were you I would re-assess my own priorities in this relationship. If you cannot reconcile him being a responsible gentleman, maybe you should give some thought to letting him find someone who can.

 

There is so little responsibility being shown for others these days those who do should be praised, not critisized.

[Trialbyfire]

Part of getting involved with someone with a child means that the child will always be an equal or above you and your man will always have history and a continued relationship with the mother. A person can love more than one person, but in different ways.

 

It's a fine line between being friendly with the ex and being interested in the ex. Please try not to be threatened by the ex and most of all, try not to replace her in either his or the child's eyes. It won't happen and you will look bad attempting it and push him further away. Better to be yourself and enjoy what you have, a man that loves you who has a beautiful little boy that you are fond of. If the ex is being nasty, live better than her.