niagrab Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I'll try to keep this somewhat short, but please let me know your thoughts. I married my wife a couple of years ago, and I think that everyone should know that I have always been a bit insecure about my looks and that was also an issue for my wife. (she called off the wedding several times because she wasn't sure that she was "very physically attracted" to me) Eventually we were married and have been very happy with each other. My issue came about after around 3 months of marriage. My wife had decided to go to school and asked me if I had a problem with her staying up late with a study group. I said, "of course not, unless your study group happens to be a one on one session with a guy from your class." She laughed and said, "of course it won't." Well, it did. She started studying with this guy 3-4 nights a week. She wouldn't get home often times until 2:00-3:00 in the morning. She would tell me about how they would study part of the night while out at dinner..which he paid for...or at a cafe, etc. The guy is married, but his wife was gone on business a good portion of the time, so when they were at his house, they were often times alone. She would always come home and talk about how great he is, how smart and funny.. Well, that went on for several months until the end of the semester. I had been waiting for that, hoping that the relationship would end with the class..it didn't. She wanted me to become friends with the guy and his wife, so I started going over occasionally with her. The first time I met him, I felt even worse because he is a tall, very well built, very handsome guy...and I'm very much average. (My wife is stunning by the way) So, she kept doing things alone with him from time to time and I would come along when his wife was involved. Early on, I told my wife how uncomfortable it made me, but that conversation would always lead to a frustrated conversation. Well, it's been a year and a recent event brought the whole subject up again she admitted to me that she was, "very attracted to him" and thought that he was "very attractive" Also that she enjoyed flirting around with him and felt excited when he would make comments that I thought were innappropriate. She assures me that that is all that it will ever be and that they are both clear on where they stand on the issue. the have both addmitted to each other that they are attracted to each other and that they enjoy flirting.. but have also established the fact that it won't go any further..I trust her and have told her for the past 6 months or so that she is free to do whatever she wants with him, and she is. Nevertheless, I still get these pings of jealousy and simply wanted to know.. Am I just a Jealous husband, dramatizing a situation that is "normal" or would you feel the same? Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I think you're right to feel insecure in this situation. I don't think your wife should continue any sort of relationship with a man she "enjoys flirting with and is very attracted to, who often says inappropriate things" If it was me, I would put my foot down. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 Don't put up with this. Shut it down now!! It's very inappropriate for a married woman to spend so much time with someone who she's openly admitted that she's attracted to and who is attracted to her. This has gone far enough. Link to post Share on other sites
blueberry1 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I think this whole situation is outtrageous, Niagrab! It sounds like it has gotten out of hand, with the two of them spending time together alone! I wonder how his wife feels about all of this. Even if she's ok with it, you aren't, and it has gone too far already. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 the have both addmitted to each other that they are attracted to each other and that they enjoy flirting.. That is called an emotional affair. but have also established the fact that it won't go any further.. They'll say pretty much anything to keep it going, including gaslighting you to believe nothing else has happened, and won't happen. I would bet a good chunk of cash that these two have been having not only an emotional affair, but a physical one as well, probably for a lot longer than you will admit to yourself. I trust her and have told her for the past 6 months or so that she is free to do whatever she wants with him, and she is. She's pretty much got you right where she wants you. Its pretty much free reign to do whatever she likes with him. After all, you gave her "permission", right? I hope you realize the damage is already done. Nothing left to do now but recover from it. I hope you have talked to this guy's wife and let her know what is up between these two. At the very least, she needs to know about the mutual admittance of attraction between your spouses. That is damning enough for both your marriages. Given her hesitancy about being married in the first place, and the fact that she has been having an affair since the third month of your marriage, I see no real option than divorce/annumlent. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Bee Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 You need to do something about this situation as soon as you can. What your wife is doing is WRONG. They may not have a physical relationship, but it is considered cheating nontheless, IMO. If you continue to let this go on any futher i am concerned that it will eventually turn into a full blown out affair. I can see that you love your wife dearly, but you need to put a stop to this now if you want to have a healthy marriage. Have you told her how much this "friendship" of her's bothers you? Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 This is an emotional affair. They think its ok to do what they are doing, since it's for school and since you hang out as couples, etc. They think its ok because they haven't had any physical contact...they we know of...but it's not ok for a married person to spend so much time with another person that they admit is attractive to them; and by the way how does she think this makes you feel? How could she think you can just be ok with this? Don't tell her she can do whatever she wants with him, cuz then she will enjoy his company to no end, and the whole thing could go a lot further. You need to tell her that this makes you jealous and uncomfortable, you are her husband and the only man she should be flirting with etc, is you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author niagrab Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 I guess that there seems to be a unanimous opinion on the situation then. I'm not overreacting. It certainly doesn't make anything easier, does it? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I guess that there seems to be a unanimous opinion on the situation then. I'm not overreacting. It certainly doesn't make anything easier, does it? No, it doesn't, through personal experience. You could always point her to this thread, if she doesn't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niagrab Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 there certainly is a part of me that wants to just try to be a better husband and fix whatever emotional gap that exists in the marraige. More than anything else, I want her to be happy. I love her and she loves me. She has always been very open with me, even when it's been VERY hard for her and she legitimately doesn't believe that there is a problem...even though there may be one. Am I weird to feel bad to take away something that makes her so happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author niagrab Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 I meant to say, "she legitimately believes that there ISN'T a problem.." Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 The composition of a marriage is two people, in an emotional and legal union. She's exceeded the matrimonial boundaries of decency. She's being very selfish. Draw the line in the sand now, before it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 This is what happens when a woman marries the "friend guy". Are you willing to settle for the rest of your married life for a woman who uses you as a friendly security blanket while she saves the best parts of her heart and body for another man? The sad thing is, is that when things end with this guy she'll have another one waiting right behind him. You are in for a long and emotionally/sexually lonely marriage if you stay with this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Starry-eyed Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 This is what happens when a woman marries the "friend guy". Are you willing to settle for the rest of your married life for a woman who uses you as a friendly security blanket while she saves the best parts of her heart and body for another man? The sad thing is, is that when things end with this guy she'll have another one waiting right behind him. You are in for a long and emotionally/sexually lonely marriage if you stay with this woman. niagrab, I have to say Lucrezia is right. I can relate to your post, only in my situation, I am the wife, who married someone she wasn't physically attracted to (the friendly security blanket) and ended up attracted to other men. Finally I realized what was going on and my husband I are now divorcing, it's only fair to him and to me. He deserves someone that will be attracted to him. You deserve the same. So, you should talk with your wife, but it sounds like things are not good. It may be better to face things now than ignore them until more years have gone by and you both end up bitter. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 RE: She is just being nice with you -covering up that there isn't a problem -but in reality she knows there is, Niagrab. I believe, over time, this problem will grow -and when it does grow, you will notice great changes. She may/might, sooner or later, divert from you and fall in love with someone else. It is understandable for you to be jealous -but if you can't contain the jealousy -it will ruin the very foundation of your marriage. She is a ticking time bomb. She won't be able to behave under the pressure. You know this. I know this. She knows this. You may want to sit down with yourself, and figure out the inner and outer layers of your marriage. Salvage the connection, intimacy, and most importantly the emotional bond. Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Bee Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 there certainly is a part of me that wants to just try to be a better husband and fix whatever emotional gap that exists in the marraige. More than anything else, I want her to be happy. I love her and she loves me. She has always been very open with me, even when it's been VERY hard for her and she legitimately doesn't believe that there is a problem...even though there may be one. Am I weird to feel bad to take away something that makes her so happy? Niagrab, It could be that she can't see that what she's doing is wrong, because she's all wrapped up in the situation. But i still think that she knows, deep in the back of her mind that it is wrong. You need to have a serious talk and get through to that part and make her realize that she's in the wrong. If she truly loves you and she's as good of a person as you think and say she is, she'll realize what she's doing and put a stop to it. It's a possiblility, i'm not sure if it's correct. You know your wife better than us. Keep posting and let us know how your doing Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 This sounds to me like a very painful situation and I am sorry you are going through it, niagrab. I may be on my own here, but I would give her an ultimatum: give up the study buddy, or give up the marriage. You have already done the talking in circles thing, she knows how you feel, etc. The bottom line for me is that this situation is threatening to your marriage and she simply cannot have her emotional connection with this man and her connection with you. I realize it would be difficult and scary to make such an ultimatum - and to MEAN it - but were I you I would rather go through that pain than this. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 This sounds to me like a very painful situation and I am sorry you are going through it, niagrab. I may be on my own here, but I would give her an ultimatum: give up the study buddy, or give up the marriage. You have already done the talking in circles thing, she knows how you feel, etc. The bottom line for me is that this situation is threatening to your marriage and she simply cannot have her emotional connection with this man and her connection with you. I realize it would be difficult and scary to make such an ultimatum - and to MEAN it - but were I you I would rather go through that pain than this. I agree for sure...go for the ultimatum..I would rather do that, also, then just let her do what she's doing and suffer... Link to post Share on other sites
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