The Reasons for Staying

[PoshPrincess]

Question: For those MPs who are genuinely unhappy in their M and genuinely love their OP what are their reasons for not leaving? Do you think it is because the one's who stay with the W don't have the courage to leave or are less selfish, or do they just not love their OP as much as the men who DO leave?

 

It would be great to hear answers to this from MPs who have been in this sitch.

 

I was just wondering as my now exMM chose to stay with his W, even though (he says) he is unhappy and (he says) he loves me (or loved!) So many people say that if the MP loves you enough then he/she will leave whatever the consequences. I do think this is mostly the case as far as MPs without children are concerned but what about those with?

 

My exMM thought I was extremely brave for leaving my partner and father of my son. I wonder if I was just very selfish (I didn't leave for MM I might add!) This said, I do think it is slightly easier for women as they tend to get custody of the kids. I personally think it is braver to stay and be in an unhappy M than it is to get up and leave.

 

What are your views?

[Freedom Now]

In my opinion, it is the bravest thing to live authentically.

 

If I am being true to myself and my values by leaving, then I should leave.

If, however, I am being authentic by staying, then I should stay.

 

It all depends on the individual, I think.

 

For me, I think it was braver for me to leave than to stay. For if I stayed, I would have been dying a slow death. I was truly dying in that marriage. And I wanted my kids to know that it was better to be alone than to live in a passionless, lonely, unfulfilling marriage. So, the kids and I ventured out alone (and, yes, their dad sees them very, very frequently. There is no custody issue. We have a very amicable relationship.)

 

And by the looks and behavior of my kids, I made the right decision.

 

[Ripples]

I know a married man who (according to him) is unhappy in his marriage. Although he has a happy family life with three children (oldest 16, youngest 2), he feels unfulfilled sexually and intellectually. Apparently his wife doesn't like sex, they make love once a year. Nor does she have any desire to talk on a philosophical level about anything.

 

He'll take any sex that's offered to him, so I asked him why he doesn't just leave and find someone who will fulfil his needs in an honest relationship. His reasons for not leaving are:

 

a. He's scared his family (brothers, sister and parents) will cut him off as they disapprove so strongly of divorce, and

 

b. He's frightened he won't have the financial comfort of life as it is at the moment.

 

He's 47.

[PoshPrincess]

And by the looks and behavior of my kids, I made the right decision.

 

I'll never know whether I made the right decision as far as my son is concerned as he was not even two when his Dad and I split up so he didn't know what was going on and doesn't even remember us being together (he also sees his Dad on a regular basis). I always think it's a lot better for kids to live with one happy parent than two unhappy parents (as I did when I was growing up) but who knows? I don't know what my life would have been like without my Dad around. Would it have been better or worse? I guess you just get used to it in time. My Dad never had the guts to leave my Mum even though he was unhappy. He constantly made excuse why he couldn't go and I know for a fact that he hadn't loved her for years. I guess they aren't the actions of a courageous person. He definitely would have been braver to go.

 

FreedomNow, your children and living proof that you made the right choice. Good for you!

[Izzar]

I say married men should leave the marriage if they are unhappy, especially if there's an ow in the picture.

Be a MAN & leave. Give your wife a chance at happiness.

And the children, they will adjust.

[addicted2love]

My parents divorced when I was six. I'm greatful for that. My only childhood memories of them together were nasty fights both verbal and physical.. and the police at our door frequently. Both of my parents remarried and have been with their other spouses for over 20 years now.

I'm glad I didn't have to grow up in that environment my whole life.

 

I truly believe it's better to get out of an unhealthy relationship for your kids sake. Staying for the sake of the kids is a mistake. Also it depends on how unhealthy the relationship is. Some aren't as bad as others and are fixable. It all depends on the situation...IMO.

[Izzar]

And I do not believe that a husband & wife can fake a happy marriage for the sake of the kids. Fake a happy marriage but don't sleep together for years. Yeh ok.

Poor kids.

[PoshPrincess]

Give your wife a chance at happiness.

 

I agree, Izzar. My Dad didn't leave my Mum until they were in their 50s. He had been unhappy since my brother and I were in infant school and they 'almost split' a couple of times but then he would change his mind and go back. He even left for 8 months once, went back and left again almost a year later. I know he didn't go back because he loved my Mum but more because of pressure from members of the family - that and guilt. He even had the cheek to tell me he went back for mine and my brother's sake when (a) we were grown adults at the time and (b) didn't think my Mum should take him back anyway!

 

I always believe that if he had left my Mum in the first instance she would have found it easier to meet someone else. As it goes, he left her in lots of debt and she is going to have to struggle financially for the rest of her life. Some people say she would have been worse off financially by bringing up two children on her own but I'm not so sure. She nearly lost her house on a couple of occasions all due to his irresponsibility. He was unhappy at home so was spending money to try and cheer himself up.

 

I don't think my brother ever noticed too much as he was a lot younger but I know things are a lot less stressful now knowing that at least my Dad is happy (with someone else) and also, although my Mum didn't want to give up on her marriage as she quite rightly believed it was for life, she doesn't have the worry of bailiffs knocking at the door or thinking about what he's up to when he isn't at home.

[Freedom Now]

A point I would like to bring up is this also:

 

There is an example that needs to be shown to the kids. If the kids are seeing a shell of a marriage and obvious undertones of disrespect, that should be taken into consideration.

 

I know personally, I have kids that have been watching my example both as a single parent and as a married person. I did not want my kids to see the dysfunction and obvious unhappiness when I was married and to go out and find themselves in that same type of situation in their lives because that was the example they were shown.

 

I want my kids to live passionately. And I thought I was doing them a disservice by staying in my marriage and leading them to believe that that type of marriage was ok. It wasn't and isn't.

 

IMHO.

[Meaplus3]

In my opinion, it is the bravest thing to live authentically.

 

If I am being true to myself and my values by leaving, then I should leave.

If, however, I am being authentic by staying, then I should stay.

 

It all depends on the individual, I think.

 

For me, I think it was braver for me to leave than to stay. For if I stayed, I would have been dying a slow death. I was truly dying in that marriage. And I wanted my kids to know that it was better to be alone than to live in a passionless, lonely, unfulfilling marriage. So, the kids and I ventured out alone (and, yes, their dad sees them very, very frequently. There is no custody issue. We have a very amicable relationship.)

 

And by the looks and behavior of my kids, I made the right decision.

 

 

 

Freedom. Just have to say I think you are a very strong and brave person.

Glad thing's have turned out well for you.

 

AP:)

[outofdarkness]

I say married men should leave the marriage if they are unhappy, especially if there's an ow in the picture.

Be a MAN & leave. Give your wife a chance at happiness.

And the children, they will adjust.

ditto! well said...

[Izzar]

ditto! well said...

 

Thanks OOD!!

 

And I'm not a marriage counselor. Go figure:)

[herenow]

I agree with Izzar and OOD that men and women should leave if they find that there is no love in a marriage. However, I have read many stories here and have my own to prove that sometimes you don't know how much you love someone until you are about to lose them.

 

I think that many MM say that they are unhappy because they miss the excitement of the relationship when it's new. They find the fix in another woman and think that it's real. It isn't until their marriage is at risk that they realize they still love their wife and see how much the love has matured and they stay and do everything they can to prove their love to their wife.

 

There was also a post not to long ago where someone said that the MM doesn't realize how much his wife loves him until she finds out about an affair.

 

Or it's just that MM fool around because they can. MM say what they need to get what they want and still keep what they have.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Reasons for staying?

 

1. Divorce is expensive - lawyers, paperwork, court cost, etc.

 

2. No one wants to be demoted down to 'part time parent'.

 

3. You get used to your spouse being around - you love them as family, even if there is no spark or sex going on. They were there through courtship, through marriage, through childbirth, graduations, etc - all sorts of milestones that build the backbone of family legacy and history. They are "in" with the in laws, their family is your family and vice versa - when you divorce, you are divorcing not just a person, but an entire lifestyle that you've known for a while. You weigh the wife aspect against the girlfriend aspect and find that "love/passion" doesn't balance well against an entire life built with someone else.

 

4. Getting your own place while paying alimony and child support is expensive.

 

5. The idea of someone else raising your child as a possible step parent is enough to make any parent's blood boil.

 

6. Having to separate years worth of stuff and pack it all away and move it around is a drag.

 

... and so on and so forth. Simply put, its easier all around to just stay married. Particularly if you have someone on the side who agrees to see you under those circumstances.

[quankanne]

why stay? my guess is that the married person in the affair can straddle that fence as long as no one is rocking the boat (either the supportive lover or the ignorant spouse).

[HappyAtLast]

Easier to stay? I suppose, for some it would be. As I've said before, when I met my OW there was no choice for me. And, even if I had been inclined to have a wife and a mistress, my OW is not the sort of woman who would have been willing to share.

 

So - I guess it all depends on what people consider to be "easier". For me, not sleeping beside her every night and not being her husband would have been unbearable (read NOT EASIER).

[outofdarkness]

Easier to stay? I suppose, for some it would be. As I've said before, when I met my OW there was no choice for me. And, even if I had been inclined to have a wife and a mistress, my OW is not the sort of woman who would have been willing to share.

 

So - I guess it all depends on what people consider to be "easier". For me, not sleeping beside her every night and not being her husband would have been unbearable (read NOT EASIER).

r u obsessed w/ her? it sounds like u r obsessed and can't think about anything else..r u able to concentrate on work, kids, etc.???

[herenow]

Why is it that we are supposed to believe that MM only stay for the kids, but no one wants to believe that the MM may actually love his wife?

 

They always say, you don't know what you've got till it's gone!

[herenow]

Easier to stay? I suppose, for some it would be. As I've said before, when I met my OW there was no choice for me. And, even if I had been inclined to have a wife and a mistress, my OW is not the sort of woman who would have been willing to share.

 

So - I guess it all depends on what people consider to be "easier". For me, not sleeping beside her every night and not being her husband would have been unbearable (read NOT EASIER).

 

If she wasn't willing to share, why didn't she wait to have a relationship with you until after you divorced your wife?

 

Question is, are you willing to share? You are now with a person that had no problem being with a MM. How do you know that she will be faithful to you?

[HappyAtLast]

herenow and OOD

 

Not really sure of your stories, or why the hostility towards me but.. to answer your questions.

 

OOD - no I am not obsessed. I am able to work (well, I recently retired), my children are probably older than you are. I have been married to my OW for more years probably than most people on here have been married.

 

herenow - My OW and I are far too old to be running around, LOL. To answer your question though, I did have a problem being a MM and she an OW - which is why I left almost immediately. Am I willing to share her? LOL we have lived a long and happy married life, there were no worries on either one of our sides about sharing.

[herenow]

herenow and OOD

herenow - My OW and I are far too old to be running around, LOL. To answer your question though, I did have a problem being a MM and she an OW - which is why I left almost immediately. Am I willing to share her? LOL we have lived a long and happy married life, there were no worries on either one of our sides about sharing.

 

See everyone, this proves my point. Cheaters belong together. They will never really know if they have been lied to or not because they are both pros at it. They live in blissful denial that they have a fairytale marriage. Even if it did start as deceit. But who cares about that now they are happy together and all that matters to cheaters is their happiness.

[memories]

See everyone, this proves my point. Cheaters belong together. They will never really know if they have been lied to or not because they are both pros at it. They live in blissful denial that they have a fairytale marriage. Even if it did start as deceit. But who cares about that now they are happy together and all that matters to cheaters is their happiness.

 

Maybe a person's happiness is more important than staying in a bad relationship or living a life of denial.

[HappyAtLast]

herenow

 

While I am sure that you believe the things that you say, all situations are not the same. You would be well-served to not project your own feelings on all situations.

 

I, in no way advocate cheating. I am NOT proud of myself for falling in love with another woman while married. That being said, I have been married to my OW for nearly forty years. My son loves her, we have grandchildren together and truly have been happy. I am sorry if you cannot believe that.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what is your situation? It appears that you have been betrayed?

 

edited because a naughty small parrot ran across my keyboard and added additional letters to my post, lol.

[herenow]

herenow

 

While I am sure that you believe the things that you say, all situations are not the same. You would be well-served to not project your own feelings on all situations.

 

I, in no way advocate cheating. I am NOT proud of myself for falling in love with another woman while married. That being said, I have been married to my OW for nearly forty years. My son loves her, we have grandchildren together and truly have been happy. I am sorry if you cannot believe that.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what is your situation? It appears that you have been betrayed?

 

edited because a naughty small parrot ran across my keyboard and added additional letters to my post, lol.

 

First I find it odd that a man of your age uses things like LOL. Just me I guess.

 

Yes, I've been betrayed, but both my H and I have worked on ourselves and our marriage to make it stronger that it ever was. He took responsibility for his actions and fixed what was missing in himself and I took responsibility for the fact that I took our relationship for granted. We went to therapy every week for almost a year before we could say that we were able to move on. It took time and a willingness to look deep inside ourselves for the truth and deal with the issues that we found.

 

When I first came to LS, I was hurt and angry, now I just check in every once in a while because the stories fascinate me.

 

BTW, this forum is here for people to be able to talk about how they feel about things. Every post here is about how someone feels. If you want a non-biased opinion, go see a therapist.

[outofdarkness]

herenow and OOD

 

Not really sure of your stories, or why the hostility towards me but.. to answer your questions.

 

OOD - no I am not obsessed. I am able to work (well, I recently retired), my children are probably older than you are. I have been married to my OW for more years probably than most people on here have been married.

 

herenow - My OW and I are far too old to be running around, LOL. To answer your question though, I did have a problem being a MM and she an OW - which is why I left almost immediately. Am I willing to share her? LOL we have lived a long and happy married life, there were no worries on either one of our sides about sharing.

ok...whatever floats your boat! don't even try to guess poster's ages on LS...you'd be surprised!!!