Should I write ancient ex again?

[Deedee]

I dated a guy 20 years ago, and we broke up when he moved away. We were very much in love, but because he had moved to another continent, he decided he couldn't do the long-distance thing, and he started seeing someone. When I found out (dragged it out of him), I broke it off immediately. We basically went NC. Three years later, he sent me his wedding invitation. No words of hello or how are you. Just the invitation addressed in his handwriting. I was already married. I did not respond to him at all. I have always thought he sent it to hurt me.

 

Five years ago, I ran into a colleague of his, and she put us in contact. He was shocked, and came to see me at my hotel. He met my children and husband. He began flirting when my husband left us for a few minutes. He has tried several times to have an affair, and I have stopped him each time. We have a limited contact email relationship with very rare meetings in person (I keep it in public).

 

My problem is that I am very emotional about him. I have not told him I love him, nor he me, in 20 years. However, two months ago, I broke down and sent an emotional, miserable-without-you email, which I admit I have done probably once a year for the past 5 years. He usually responds sweetly, but I think he enjoys my neediness when it happens, and we reinforce each other emotionally. Usually I am upbeat and doing fine, and just report newsy stuff, but once in a while I get insecure about our "relationship". I know it's ridiculous. But he answered in kind, responding that he cares, still hopes to see me, reaffirming in his typical confusing way full of yes/no messages. A month later (last month), I sent an upbeat message, but he did not respond. I think he didn't see it, because he usually responds.

 

I think periods of NC for weeks to months is probably best for us, with just those newsy updates a few times a year. We are too "over" each other to go total NC. Twenty years out, you should act like you don't really care one way or the other, and not need full NC, right? I'm trying to act casual, but I don't like the way I left things with the last email I know he read, where I sounded all sad and missing him. Yuck.

 

I'm pretty sure he didn't read my email two weeks ago that was upbeat. Should I send another similar newsy one? I hate the idea that he's enjoying the miserable tone of my email two months ago.

 

My ex has an empty marriage without sex or passion. He misses me for that, and wants me to fill in those gaps. He gets frustrated when I say no, but I don't feel I can handle it.

 

Any ideas or comments on my bizarre situation?

[Touche]

I'm a little confused...so you're both married? Don't play with fire. Besides, isn't it obvious that he's only interested in one thing? He could care less about what's going in in your life.

 

And what makes you so sure he didn't see your email? Maybe he just decided that since you're not giving him what he wants, he will ignore you.

 

This is really a no-brainer. Don't email again.

[bridget_jones]

Most guys who want an affair with say stuff like "my marriage is passionless and sexless" etc.

Do you have any respect for your family and husband? Doesn't sound like it or you wouldn't be posting this.

Why don't y'all go on the Jerry Springer show? I can see it now, you, your hubby, your ex and his wife. You say to the other woman "I can be more woman to your man than you can" and start swinging! THen the two hubbies going at it onstage.

I think the show will pay your expenses/hotel rooms. Think about it.

[Deedee]

uhhh, no, i'm not the type to compete for my ex's attentions. did you read that my ex has been wanting to have an affair with me for 5 years, and that i have refused? maybe you missed that. i do not cheat, and never have. my ex is willing to do that, but i am not. i told him that he made his choice 20 years ago.

 

that is not what i was asking. i know an extramarital affair is not something i am interested in!

 

all i was asking you guys is should i do strict NC with this man, or should i follow his lead, which is to be cool about occasional contact, while of course ignoring his occasional email passes at me? i am not tempted to go down that road at all! i have been consistently refusing him, and he knows it is not going to happen. i have been dignified and strong. my husband knows that i am in email contact with my ex, and my ex knows this, too. there are no secrets. my husband trusts me for good reason.

 

i just feel embarrassed that i sent a needy email two months ago! he sent back a sweet one, but i don't like the whole sentiment and my appearing weak. so i sent the upbeat one last month. i know he did not get it. (my business email has an automatic tracker). i would like to save face and make sure he knows that i'm enjoying my life and not feeling lost without him, but i can't think of how to do it without appearing needier.

 

some of you may be surprised to find that in 20, or 30, or 40 years, you may STILL have love for one special ex, even if you moved on and have a good marriage. you guys sound young, and i don't mean that in a condescending way. i thought when i was 23 that i would forget completely, but time does not guarantee that.

 

i also forgot to mention that even though he has approached me from the perspective of wanting an affair (flirting, wanting to meet in a hotel, etc.) he has told me many times that he knows he lost the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he has never recovered such love or passion with anyone else. he regrets it. he says he is lonely and he doesn't feel alive now that he's nearing 50 and in an empty marriage. still, of course, that is not an excuse for infidelity, and i am not doing that.

 

you don't have to be so harsh. i'm not a swinger or a cheater. i'm just a good person with a heart, trying to be a good person to everybody. it sounds like i'm the only older person with an ex going back a couple decades. didn't mean to offend anyone.

[Chandler Arizona]

I recently hooked up with an unrequited love from college via the Internet; our communications have strictly been by email; 30 years ago, we both had relationships; I fell in love with him then and never told him how I felt, but assumed he knew; we spent every spare moment together, until he transferred to another school at the end of spring semester; I saw him once after that, on a weekend visit the following school year; we exchanged a few kisses, but that was it; since the first of the year, we've been emailing each other, daily; the exchanges started out casual, with sharing info about our lives and what happened in the past 30 years; about 1 month into the exchanges, I made a reference to my feelings for him 30 years ago, and he replied he never knew and if he did, we would have 'rewritten history'; needless to say, I've spent much time thinking about what could have or would have been; the challenge I face today is that I have been unable to let go of my feelings for him; they sometimes seem as intense as they were 30 years ago; I've tried to stop communicating with him on 2 occasions, but he gives the break a rest, and contacts me about 1-2 weeks later, to see how I am, and we resume where we left off; recently he's said he doesn't want to lose me like he did 30 years ago; I'm not willing to see him or talk on the phone, but I want to continue the email communication with him. We are both married and he says he's happy, and I have been married for 18 years and am in a very stable relationship; anyone had a similar experience? and if so, what happened?