Is his wife just using him?

[Kenzo]

We all know that we (OW) do not have all of the facts when it comes to the circumstances of our MM marriage. But in my case he has told me so much as far as what he's done, she's done, good, bad, otherwise. He has never held back as far as his part in the breakdown of it all, even when it paints him in a (very) bad light.

 

He makes a great living, and I have always supported myself, we are both well educated...his W on the otherhand, does not and has not ever worked, she has emotional problems and child abuse issues that did not come to light until after the birth of their first child. He says he knew there was "something" a little off, before the got married, but she was sweet and nice and he thought it would be ok. He still mantains she is a good mom, and a nice person, most of the time (she is on medication). They do fight sometimes and supposedly it not pretty, and occurs often in front of the kids. She has accused him of having an affair twice since he and I first got together-he denied it.

 

His kids are the world to him, I know a lot of us deal with this "excuse" for them not leaving, he is a fantastic father...and for him I really believe it is a reason and not an excuse. I give all of this as an explanation because I don't want to ruffle any of the BW's on the board... I just can't help but wonder if anyone else feels this way.

 

My question is this...Could it be that she is just using him for the lifestyle, money, white picket fence illusion? And if so, why?

[addicted2love]

Could be....my MM also painted that picture. That his W just wanted him for stud service and a work horse. She stays home with the kids (which is great don't get me wrong) but he only wanted two kids. They have four...he says she tricked him into the last two..saying she was on the pill but she wasn't. Anyway that's what he says but who knows. MM tend to make things look a lot worse then they actually are so that they can justify an A. Both too themselves and to the OW. He works three jobs to keep her in the lap of luxury...she's a stay at home mom that has a housekeeper!!!!! Give me a break! Oh well...shoulda coulda woulda....That could have been me if I had played my cards right years ago! I would have never let him work three jobs to support us though. I would have been the one to pick up the slack. They tell us what they think we want to hear. I have no doubt about that!

[PoshPrincess]

My question is this...Could it be that she is just using him for the lifestyle, money, white picket fence illusion? And if so, why?

 

I suppose only THEY know why they do what they do, the same as only us OW know why we stick with a man who makes us empty promises, etc. My exMM was pretty much like yours. He painted a similar sort of picture re his marriage. He never said they didn't have sex but never said they did either (I can only assume they did) but as far as he said to me they certainly weren't happy.

 

When W found out about us she told me I was welcome to him. Of course, that wasn't true, she was obviously just hurting. He seemed to think she wouldn't let him go (not that he fought too hard!) to punish him. Y'know, she didn't want him but didn't want him to be happy and certainly didn't want me to have him. The thing is, who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

 

Re your sitch a lot of people stay in Ms for financial security. Like your MMs W is trying to hang on to him, I think that was part of the reason my exMM stayed with his family. There would have been no way he could've supported a W and one child (the other had left school) and bought/rented a home that they could have stayed in with him too, but he never would have shirked his responsibilities as far as his children were concerned. I still ask myself why his W stayed with him but the obvious reason is that she still loved him (despite the picture he painted of their M!)

 

However, I do know of at least one couple who are together purely for the sake of the kids (financially or otherwise). It does happen.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

My question is this...Could it be that she is just using him for the lifestyle, money, white picket fence illusion? And if so, why?

 

 

He is denying his affair with you to his W and you are wondering if she is USING HIM for lifestyle and money?????? Maybe she is just staying for the kids. May I ask what it is that you think he is offering her besides the lifestyle, money, and white picket fence illusion. Are you also buying in to the illusion that HE is offering you? If so, why?

[torranceshipman]

Remember that these guys are real liars and don't have much of a backbone, so it's questionable whether you should believe anything they say. They're the ones sleeping with another woman behind their W's back, and they're also the one badmouthing the W behind her back, and then they're the same one who goes home to the W every night and probably pretends he loves her....not the kind of guy you should be listening to.

[Kenzo]

Honestly there is no illusion of what he is offering me, I know what I'm getting, he has made no promises of grandeur, has not asked me to wait (in so many words), not that we haven't talked about the what if's, but we don't talk about them as if they will ever be a reality...we are both well grounded in how this will end, neither of us want it to right now, well I do sometimes but I'm not ready to cut him out all together. I know I'm enabling, as I have said before--I am weak, weak, weak...but I'm working on it.

 

What I am refering to as far as her using him is that it's not as if divorce has not been a conversation before. When she first suspected an affair she said she would leave him, she knows how much those kids mean to him, he told her that if that's the way she feels then she should do it and in light of her "condition", and lack of ability to take care of herself, he would get he kids, and leave her in the same way he found her, so she could start over, from scratch. They are not in love...he has said many times that he likes her mostly, she is a good mother, and not a bad person to be around. He does not talk badly of her, except for her inability to be intimate, but without him she has no means of supporting herself.

 

In this situation she goes shopping, does her things with the kids, no regard for finances whatsoever, and to him it's not a problem, he makes it and he wants his kids to have everything. So in this position she is a stay at home mom, no worries, does whatever she wants, spends however much she wants, he has complained about her lack of interest in household duties, etc. but as long as at the end of the day he has his kids, little else matters, and she knows it...

 

I know I may not be explaining this exactly, she has no interest in sex, because of what happened to her as a child, he doesn't blame her and he tried for many years, long before I came along to fix the issues with counseling, him, her, together, she gave up on it and he resigned himself to this life, thinking well at least I have my kids.

 

Am I coming across right? I am sympathetic, and I know what we are doing is wrong, but it seems like she is staying not to have a good marriage, or try to at least, and maybe not even for the kids as he is, but for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with her H (except for his income) and playing on his fears of being a sporadic weekend dad.

[herenow]

I think he is using his wife as an excuse to not get a divorce. How can she be using him if she doesn't even know what he is doing? Who knows, maybe if he told her the truth, she would show him the door and kick his a$$ out. Maybe that is why he isn't honest with her because he knows that she won't stand for his philandering ways. Who's using who?

 

Oh and let's not forget that he is using you as well, but it sounds like you're OK with that.

[quankanne]

I know I may not be explaining this exactly, she has no interest in sex … he resigned himself to this life, thinking well at least I have my kids.

 

Am I coming across right? I am sympathetic, and I know what we are doing is wrong, but it seems like she is staying not to have a good marriage, or try to at least, and maybe not even for the kids as he is, but for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with her H (except for his income) and playing on his fears of being a sporadic weekend dad.

 

your heart is in the right place, but the reality of it is, they're married. For whatever reasons, be they good or bad, it's a commitment they agree to make to each other until someone decides to dissolve the marriage.

 

it sounds like he knows that you will give an honestly sympathetic ear, and he's using that to justify an extramarital affair with you.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

In this situation she goes shopping, does her things with the kids, no regard for finances whatsoever, and to him it's not a problem, he makes it and he wants his kids to have everything. So in this position she is a stay at home mom, no worries, does whatever she wants, spends however much she wants, he has complained about her lack of interest in household duties, etc. but as long as at the end of the day he has his kids, little else matters, and she knows it..

 

Sounds like she is making the most of the "situation" he has put her in. He is having an affair and lying to her about it because it doesn't behoove him. If she has accused him then she knows at some level. If she chooses to stay (how is her staying for the children any different than him staying for them?????) then ofcourse she is going to make the best of it and he deserves nothing less. He is manipulating the marriage so that it doesn't affect him negatively why would you expect anything different from her?

 

You have said that the two of you have discussed what could come of this and that you are not fooling yourself but if you are trying to rationalize this as to why his wife should leave him be with his money and his children then you are carrying your fantasy a little too far. How she reacts to his betrayal is none of your concern. If she is using him for HIS (the law considers it theirs by the way) money and lifestyle then who could blame her.

 

 

[greengoddess]

Why are you wondering this? Will it make a difference in your relationship with HER husband? Will it make you feel less guilty?

 

Honestly, it sounds like sex is missing from his marriage and he i getting that from you. You are enabling him to stay in this marriage.

 

I can't imagine if she was using him she would not once but twice accuse him of having an affair.

 

He really needs to be honest with her. Oh and don't worry she will be just fine without him collecting those alimony and child support checks.

[2sunny]

he's playing you like a fiddle... and you are falling for it - hook - line - and sinker!

 

read up a bit in the OW forum and you will understand that his info to you is the same as any other cheating husband...

 

they only have a means to the end - to tell you what you need to hear - to get you where they want you - guess where?

 

i bet his wife would give a different rendition of this story - if you had a chance to ask her - but don't!

 

he gives her the lifestyle HE wants to give her (because he married her and she is his wife) and it's none of your business what she is or what she does... you are hearing his side and his side ONLY!

 

alot of MM paint the wife to be terrible when they are perfectly lovely and work hard to create a wonderful home and life for the entire family. this is usually what the hubby has asked for and wants.

 

don't fool yourself into thinking that she is dismissive of him emotionally or physically... that is only what HE wants YOU to believe to keep HIM happy and coming back for more.

 

just get rid of him and find a man that is available and willing to commit.

 

sorry to be so blunt - but you seem to be justifying and making this whole sitation okay in your mind... it's not. would YOU want to be in HER shoes?

[Kenzo]

I think he is using his wife as an excuse to not get a divorce. How can she be using him if she doesn't even know what he is doing? Who knows, maybe if he told her the truth, she would show him the door and kick his a$$ out. Maybe that is why he isn't honest with her because he knows that she won't stand for his philandering ways. Who's using who?

 

Oh and let's not forget that he is using you as well, but it sounds like you're OK with that.

 

 

Ok, I'll try to say it like this: Using him for money, community status (he is highly regarded, as is his family) and yes the illusion of the perfect little family and their white picket fence. Yes they made a commitment and that commitment included LOVE, in all facets of the word, not just as long as he keeps you in the lifestyle you are accustomed, but not necessarily deserving of.

 

He is VERY romantic, and friendly and funny.

 

He is THAT guy, you know the one everyone likes, the life of the party, the guy who has the best poker games and takes all the kids in the neighborhood for ice cream just to see them smile, he's the guy that buys the bagels for the little old lady behind him in line at the bakery without her knowing, the guy that stops to change your tire in the rain or push your car out of a ditch in a snowstorm...absolutely genuine, would do anything for anyone, tips the waiter 50% even when the service sucks, because hey that waiter might have just been having a bad day.

 

People love him because of how real he is. What we are doing is so opposite of who he is and it is a struggle for both of us, neither of us can wrap our heads around why it's happening, why we can't seem to stop.

 

I don't feel as if he's using me...and I want nothing from him, other than his companionship (for the time being). We enjoy each other so much.

 

So what I'm saying is that I don't think she's using him because (she thinks) he's having an A and and she's using it as leverage, I think she's using him because she knows that she wouldn't have a quarter of the life she does without him, and she need do NONE of the "duties" as his wife should, in order to continue in that lifestyle.

[2sunny]

you know - you really don't know anything about what really happens in their home.

 

it's so easy for him to tell you all the things you want to hear. that way - you play along with his little plan...

 

i could bet you $100. that there have been gals before you - and there be will gals after you...

 

think about that...

[herenow]

So what I'm saying is that I don't think she's using him because (she thinks) he's having an A and and she's using it as leverage, I think she's using him because she knows that she wouldn't have a quarter of the life she does without him, and she need do NONE of the "duties" as his wife should, in order to continue in that lifestyle.

 

I still think he is using her. He wouldn't have such a wonderful reputation if she wasn't there beside him. He knows that without his wife that perfect family goes away. He knows that if he was ever to be with you, people would look at him in a very different light. After reading your last post, I am now completely convinced that he is using his wife to keep his perfect life. I'm sure he knows that she would leave him if he told the truth. She is so being used. How very unfair to her!!!

 

BTW, they are married and he does not have complete control over what happens if they do get divorced. She is half of their relationship and I'm sure she wouldn't be left with nothing if they got divorced. Once again, he is definitely using both you and his wife. You don't seem to mind but I sure his wife would if she knew the truth.

[Kenzo]

I am not trying to turn this into an OW vs. the BW scenario. All situations are different and I have read, and read and read all over site, OW, infidelity, etc. I know it is not out of the realm of possibility for there to be such a thing as a sexless marriage, staying for the kids...

 

Is it possible that he is telling the truth??? I am a witness to his kindness over and over again.

 

As far as falling for it hook line and sinker, my eyes are wide open and so is my heart. I agonize over this sometimes, my heart breaks for his W, what she went through as a child, no one deserves what she went through...and the time that he "steals" to be with me, the guilt is overwhelming.

 

I never wanted to be an OW, it blindsided me, and I think it did him as well.

[greengoddess]

if he feels that guilty being with you then he loves his wife. He is filling a need that is missing from his marriage. sex.

 

If they weren't in love he would have no guilt about doing this to her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It isn't at all about OW vs BS. Your question was is she using him. My answer is HE is choosing to use her. She is simply accepting all that he chooses to offer her. How is that her using him? Why would you care? You care because her existance is keeping you from having what you want so badly. You want it so badly that you are willing to play second fiddle for a man who you also comprimise your self for.

 

and the time that he "steals" to be with me, the guilt is overwhelming.

 

She is not using him, he is using her, and you too IMHO.

[Kenzo]

you know - you really don't know anything about what really happens in their home.

it's so easy for him to tell you all the things you want to hear. that way - you play along with his little plan...

 

 

He tells me the good and the bad, like I said before, he does not make himself out to be the victim AT ALL. Do I know, am I a fly on the wall, no, I have his perspective only, but it is always a well balanced perspective.

 

Herenow-

I see what your saying and yes your points are way too valid to disregard...he is using her to paint the perfect portrait...if she found out, or he confessed, and she left, well I would be exactly as I am now, the sympathetic ear, and the friend he needs.

[2sunny]

if he feels that guilty being with you then he loves his wife. He is filling a need that is missing from his marriage. sex.

 

If they weren't in love he would have no guilt about doing this to her.

 

Good point..

 

and Kenzo-

 

I am a gal that looks at both sides of the fence - without judgment - but just a perspective that anyone would want for themselves as a decent person - doing the right thing every day.

 

That's why I have said what I have said... you KNOW what the right thing is honey. Would you encourage your daughter to do this? The answer is in the question.

[herenow]

He tells me the good and the bad, like I said before, he does not make himself out to be the victim AT ALL. Do I know, am I a fly on the wall, no, I have his perspective only, but it is always a well balanced perspective.

 

Herenow-

I see what your saying and yes your points are way too valid to disregard...he is using her to paint the perfect portrait...if she found out, or he confessed, and she left, well I would be exactly as I am now, the sympathetic ear, and the friend he needs.

 

More likely he would consider you the reason he no longer has his perfect life and he would resent you and curse the day he met you. Remember, MM don't take responsibility for their actions. They blame others just like he is now blaming his wife for his unhappy (?) marriage. His is staying so it can't be that bad.

[outofdarkness]

how do u know HE is not on meds too? you only know what HE tells you...my h'a main ow told me he told her all about how "used to the "good" life I was...I worked my ass off the WHOLE time! in addition to my own business, i always had several on ventures on the side to add to the pot.SHE knew none of this...We're not the lazy witches they say we are just so they can get sympathy and other things from their ow.....

[Kenzo]

I was talking about my feelings of overwhelming guilt...he has never said he felt guilty.

 

No I would never encourage my daughter to persue a relationship like this but I would also hope I would raise her to be in a loving commited relationship where she was completely fulfilled in all ways, not just with an almost unlimited supply of money, and material possesions to replace actual feelings.

[greengoddess]

I was talking about my feelings of overwhelming guilt...he has never said he felt guilty.

 

No I would never encourage my daughter to persue a relationship like this but I would also hope I would raise her to be in a loving commited relationship where she was completely fulfilled in all ways, not just with an almost unlimited supply of money, and material possesions to replace actual feelings.

 

You are assuming she has no feelings for her husband? Why would you assume that? Is it becaue they don't have sex? You already stated she has sexual hang ups because of childhood abuse. How do you know she is not happy? Would she not turn a blind eye to this affair if she was using him instead of accusing him twice of having an affair.

 

Did she begin her marriage with this lifestyle?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Actually, this man is a master manipulator. The blame is being place on his wife's abuser. Aww, how sad, how unfortunate. I understand and will support her like a promised but I need YOUR love, and sex and support. Kenzo, he has instilled in you sympathy for her. That keeps you around as OW understanding what a terrible situation this noble man has found himself in and you as his only saviour. The blame is on some nameless abuser and he is noble enough to screw around on her while staying for his kids. Gag me with a spoon! Is SHE using him????

[Kenzo]

I know he takes Allegra...

 

OOD- I'm not painting her as a witch, and neither is he. I adore all of your advice, and truly I am not trying to upset the wives here, who shed such a welcome and unbiased perspective.