Is his wife just using him?

[Kenzo]

HE talks to me about these things b/c we are friends and this is something that he has to deal with everyday. Yes I have been somewhat candid here but I was trying to give the "whole" story, and not be vague with the details. I was not trying to disrespect anybody, and I don't think I have. It's not as if I'm posting flyers around here hometown bad mouthing her, if I thought there was ever a place to discuss it, this is it. While you are welcome to your opinion, I would appreciate not being told what I should or should not post about here.

 

It was simply a question that occured to me from things he had told me.

[shellys-trying]

She has accused him of having an affair twice since he and I first got together-he denied it.

 

So, he's lying to his W, but he's not lying to you when he tells you all this stuff?

Her being a stay at home mom has nothing to do with why he's cheating on her.

She has 4 kids because she wanted 4. What difference does it make how many they have? He loves them doesn't he? That's what's important isn't it?

 

I don't think this BW is using her H at all. She's M to him. She has all the right in the world to have what he makes and buys for her and supports her. What's his is hers.

She's not a lower form of human because she stays at home.

 

Would you rather he be with you to make your financial load a little lighter? Or is it not about the money? If it's not, then why are you making it about the money concerning this stay at home BW?

 

Just because you are a working girl and she isn't doesn't make YOU higher on the food chain or more worthy of your cheating MM. You cheating with a MM is what makes you worthy of this stud.

 

If she is using her H for security, what's the deal? He's using her and you for his own cake eating satisfaction.

Besides, why hasn't he left this awful W anyway? I mean, if she's so full of mental problems, you'd think he'd have taken his children and ran to your place, filing for a D under those terms.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

This is his arrangement, HE set it up. Dependent wife at home (remember, he reminds her that she can't afford to leave him AND keep her kids - this threat means he WANTS to keep her there) adoring OW on the side (he's a good man, remember, and you don't burden him with your opinion of the situation) things just the way he wants them, and he is the ring master.

 

She didn't choose this situation, he did. How could she possibly be USING him. Because she isn't able to fight him? Sounds like she has been in quite a few abusive relationships, and you want to pin this on her????? Look, I personally resolve you from any guilt or shame as it relates to BS and if that's not good enough perhaps we could get Jesus and God in here to agree. Using HER to justify your part in this simply because she is being financially supported (add controlled, and used )by him, that's just cruel, extremely selfish and a little psycho!

[Kenzo]

She has accused him of having an affair twice since he and I first got together-he denied it.

 

So, he's lying to his W, but he's not lying to you when he tells you all this stuff?

Her being a stay at home mom has nothing to do with why he's cheating on her.

She has 4 kids because she wanted 4. What difference does it make how many they have? He loves them doesn't he? That's what's important isn't it?

 

I don't think this BW is using her H at all. She's M to him. She has all the right in the world to have what he makes and buys for her and supports her. What's his is hers.

She's not a lower form of human because she stays at home.

 

Would you rather he be with you to make your financial load a little lighter? Or is it not about the money? If it's not, then why are you making it about the money concerning this stay at home BW?

 

Just because you are a working girl and she isn't doesn't make YOU higher on the food chain or more worthy of your cheating MM. You cheating with a MM is what makes you worthy of this stud.

 

If she is using her H for security, what's the deal? He's using her and you for his own cake eating satisfaction.

 

 

I in no way think her job as a stay at home mom (they have 2 kids, btw) as any less than mine...If anything it's probably harder and more rewarding. I am not comparing myself to her. He is her husband and I am not sitting here saying that what we're doing is right, I'm not trying to justify any of it.

 

It is not about the money, my job may not be emotionally rewarding, but it is lucrative.

 

And just for the record I do not want to be in this situation, I am not enjoying being second and I do want out. I love him and I am torn apart inside by all of this. I am sorry for her, I'm not sure how I would react if he did leave for me...to be brutally honest with myself and you all I think I would feel more guilt than I could handle.

[silktricks]

He is VERY romantic, and friendly and funny.

 

He is THAT guy, you know the one everyone likes, the life of the party, the guy who has the best poker games and takes all the kids in the neighborhood for ice cream just to see them smile, he's the guy that buys the bagels for the little old lady behind him in line at the bakery without her knowing, the guy that stops to change your tire in the rain or push your car out of a ditch in a snowstorm...absolutely genuine, would do anything for anyone, tips the waiter 50% even when the service sucks, because hey that waiter might have just been having a bad day.

 

People love him because of how real he is.

 

oh right - he sounds just like my first husband. He too was the life of the party. Everybody loved him. He was the best tipper, the friend who would help out anyone at any time. The man who would never pass a beggar without giving him something, would help out strangers and friends alike. Everybody thought he, too, was the most wonderful guy, until of course, they found that he was a liar to the depth of his soul, a serial cheater, a thief (he stole from the CHURCH for cripes sake), and finally simply disappeared (leaving me literally with the clothes on my back and our kids).

 

face it, sweetie, your Mr. Wonderful is lying every damn day to the woman he promised to love and cherish. When she ASKED him straight out if he was having an affair, not once but TWICE, he lied. (And don't even imagine that he did that for anyone but himself.) This guy isn't anything great. He's just another f*cked up idiot who can't face the problems in his life, so he uses someone else (you in this case) to feel better.

[shellys-trying]

And just for the record I do not want to be in this situation, I am not enjoying being second and I do want out. I love him and I am torn apart inside by all of this. I am sorry for her, I'm not sure how I would react if he did leave for me...to be brutally honest with myself and you all I think I would feel more guilt than I could handle.

 

you're torn between leaving a guy who dominates his W by telling her she can't take care of her "2" kids alone, and staying with the creep?

How can you love someone like that?

 

I'd be torn not to rip his head off and sh*it down his neck!

[silktricks]

Many so called publically charming, popular individuals are not what they seem on the surface. They seek to be popular and to be loved in order to feed their egos but are literally monsters in disguise.

 

You seem very in love with what may well turn out to be a chimera. Exert caution and guard your heart.

[Kenzo]

I am of the school of thought that we don't choose who we love, if it was something I could turn on and off, trust me, I would turn it off and break the switch off.

[silktricks]

I am of the school of thought that we don't choose who we love, if it was something I could turn on and off, trust me, I would turn it off and break the switch off.

 

Maybe you should go to a different school!!

 

You allowed yourself to get sucked in. You knew from the beginning he was married, and love doesn't just walk up and sock you in the gut. It moves slow, not like lightning. So, yes, we do choose who we love. We ALLOW love to grow - or don't allow it. But unfortunately, that has already happened, and you are already there. The difficulty is now how to shut it off. Until you see him for what he really is, that won't happen. You see him as Mr. Wonderful, but as you can tell from this thread - most of the people here don't agree.

 

Can you face the fact that

 

1. He's a liar.

2. He's unkind to his wife.

3. He's a liar.

4. He's controlling.

5. He's a liar.

6. He's a cheater.

7. He's a liar.

 

I know that you believe he doesn't lie to you, isn't unkind to you, doesn't attempt to control you and doesn't cheat on you. But, when you start to examine his ACTIONS, instead of just his words, then maybe you can start to see some differences between them. I really hope so, for your sake.

[Kenzo]

For the record I had known him ( as a customer ) for about 6 months, prior to us hanging out one evening after work. I did not know he was married from the beginning...I found out after the fact...yes I was an idiot to continue seeing him, and yes I got sucked in! I am not trying to justify, only clarify.

[silktricks]

For the record I had known him ( as a customer ) for about 6 months, prior to us hanging out one evening after work. I did not know he was married from the beginning...I found out after the fact...yes I was an idiot to continue seeing him, and yes I got sucked in! I am not trying to justify, only clarify.

Oh yeah, he's a real peach - he lied to you too. . .

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I am of the school of thought that we don't choose who we love, if it was something I could turn on and off, trust me, I would turn it off and break the switch off.

 

I'm sure his wife feels or atleast has felt the same way. There IS a switch, you just have to know the magic word. Maybe wife has found it already or maybe she is still searching.

 

Here's a clue:

 

And just for the record I do not want to be in this situation, I am not enjoying being second and I do want out.

 

I don't remember if you are a parent or not, but if/when you are then you know that true love has nothing to do with giving them everything their little hearts desire. You give them what is BEST FOR THEM, even though they are sure they won't survive without what they WANT. It's a selfless love, one that is only concerned with what is in t heir best interest in the long run. Learn to love yourself that way, cause noone else is going to.

[whichwayisup]

I am of the school of thought that we don't choose who we love, if it was something I could turn on and off, trust me, I would turn it off and break the switch off.

 

Ok, I can understand that, you can't control who you fall inlove with, but you CAN control your own actions and atleast try to let go of him. He really wasn't yours to take........Yes, you didn't know he was married, but once you found out, you HAD the choice to walk away. And you didn't. You chose to stay in an affair with a MM.

 

If you really want it all to end, seek therapy to get you stronger, so you CAN close your heart from him. If you continue doing nothing and let the affair go on, YOU are the one who is going to suffer more and more.

 

For the record I had known him ( as a customer ) for about 6 months, prior to us hanging out one evening after work. I did not know he was married from the beginning...I found out after the fact...yes I was an idiot to continue seeing him, and yes I got sucked in! I am not trying to justify, only clarify.

 

As I said above, if you really want it to be over, then make it happen. Short term happiness is not worth the long term suffering you're gonna feel if you stay with him......He's got a wife, a life built with another woman, has children. How can you compete with that? They have such a history together and she is not going to just hand him off to you. He's a piece of work for lying to her and living a double life!

[GreenEyedLady]

Kenzo: I am wondering what you are really want...I'm sure that everything you are reading is hard to hear...but what do you want?

 

You have only yourself to make happy...what is that to you?

 

Your question if his W is using him really ruffles wives feathers because in M there is give and take of both partners...both people contribute in their own way (although I'm sure some could argue that point)...so it's like a contract between the two M partners...One partner does A, and the other partner does B...so it's not using, it's just part of how sharing daily responsibilities are divied up...

 

But you need to think about what YOU want...if you want to stay longer in your R, that's your choice...if you want to end it, it's your choice too...

 

You seem conflicted...and you don't have to justify or clarify anything here...I'd also be careful about how much information you put out there (just so you know)...GEL

 

Best of luck to you...

[Kenzo]

Kenzo: I am wondering what you are really want...I'm sure that everything you are reading is hard to hear...but what do you want?

 

It is tough to hear these things, and I do feel like there is a mounting attack, I am trying to not let it get the best of me...I like it here, it helps so much to read through what other people are going through and know that at the very least I am not alone.

 

I want to take every minute I've spent with him, back...I want to take every good time and every sweet word and erase it from my memory...In short I would like to go back the very minute he said we should hang out and change it all. I want to be in a relationship, a normal relationship, I don't know how it came across that I am happy in this situation...not in the least.

 

As far as how much I've said, yeah maybe I have given a little TMI, I was trying to give as much as I could.

 

And I do want out of this...I have not spoken to him in 2 days, not for his lack of trying, but I am weak and I don't want him to back me into a corner, so I have thrown myself into work and have basically made myself unavailable to him. When I am feeling strong enough I will tell him it's over, if he persists that is...who knows maybe he'll tire of trying and I will have to do nothing at all.

[shellys-trying]

Well, to not be biased on BW's side, or yours, I think he's having a ball with this whole cake eating shtick.

You and his wife are getting used, and he's loving it.

Don't you deserve better?

If you answered yes, then tell him to shove it and move on. You did say you are an independent woman.

You can't be independent when you're depending on some M jerk*off to someday leave his W for you.

Where his W is concerned, let her take care of herself and her kids, whichever way she does it. It's none of your concern if you choose to stop dealing with her H.

[Kenzo]

As I said above, if you really want it to be over, then make it happen. Short term happiness is not worth the long term suffering you're gonna feel if you stay with him......He's got a wife, a life built with another woman, has children. How can you compete with that? They have such a history together and she is not going to just hand him off to you. He's a piece of work for lying to her and living a double life!

 

 

You are right about the deferred gratification, and I am not going to compete with anyone for anyone.

 

Guys, I appreciate eveything I have read here...good, bad, and otherwise, I needed to see this from another perspective and I thank you for giving me that.

[whichwayisup]

You have more control over yourself and this situation more than you realize. I hope you know that! Only you can control your own thoughts, feelings and reactions! Stay strong.

 

I am sorry if I come off harsh in any of my replies to you. I'm not the hand holding type, but I do care what happens to you - If I didn't, I wouldn't be replying.

[shellys-trying]

You have more control over yourself and this situation more than you realize. I hope you know that! Only you can control your own thoughts, feelings and reactions! Stay strong.

 

I am sorry if I come off harsh in any of my replies to you. I'm not the hand holding type, but I do care what happens to you - If I didn't, I wouldn't be replying.

 

yes! Assert your independence and take back your life.

 

You can have one outside of this chauvanistic pig's grasp.

[Kenzo]

yes! Assert your independence and take back your life. You can have one outside of this chauvanistic pig's grasp.

 

Whicway---I have certainly been taken aback by some of things that have been said here, maybe even had my feelings hurt a bit...I'm a pretty tough chick when it comes to things like this, so no hard feelings...although I still think some of what I've said has been taken out of context.

 

I am truly sorry if I ruffled anyone's feathers especially the BW's here, without your perspective it would be far too easy to justify the A's.

 

Like I said maybe he'll just fade away, won't stop me from wanting to call or text but (I think) I can and will resist. One thing I can say for sure is that I don't feel like I need that closure of meeting and ending it face to face...maybe b/c I know myself and I would let him talk me into... one... last...

[2sunny]

stay strong - and keep posting....

 

your mind is moving in a positive direction for your happy future... keep telling yourself that you want to do what is right - for your FUTURE!

[shellys-trying]

For my own behavior and posts on this thread, I'm not trying to encourage you to leave the MM alone so his W can have him.

I think you both are getting used.

If I knew the BW, you can bet I'd be giving my opinion to her on her H.

 

Any man who could cheat on his W and tell her at the same time, to try and take away her own self worth and independence, she can't take care of her kids alone.

What kind of man does that?

That right there, kenzo, should make you rethink what kind of person he is.

Good luck to you, and to the man's W.

[Trialbyfire]

It is tough to hear these things, and I do feel like there is a mounting attack, I am trying to not let it get the best of me...I like it here, it helps so much to read through what other people are going through and know that at the very least I am not alone.

 

I want to take every minute I've spent with him, back...I want to take every good time and every sweet word and erase it from my memory...In short I would like to go back the very minute he said we should hang out and change it all. I want to be in a relationship, a normal relationship, I don't know how it came across that I am happy in this situation...not in the least.

 

As far as how much I've said, yeah maybe I have given a little TMI, I was trying to give as much as I could.

 

And I do want out of this...I have not spoken to him in 2 days, not for his lack of trying, but I am weak and I don't want him to back me into a corner, so I have thrown myself into work and have basically made myself unavailable to him. When I am feeling strong enough I will tell him it's over, if he persists that is...who knows maybe he'll tire of trying and I will have to do nothing at all.

It sounds like you know what you want to do. If you need a reality check, read some of the posts from other OW who have tried to break from their cake eaters. It will be begging, pleading and a barrage of attention. When the women have stayed strong, it usually got nasty and demeaning, where the MM's real character comes through.

 

Stay strong. Good luck to you.

[Kenzo]

It sounds like you know what you want to do. If you need a reality check, read some of the posts from other OW who have tried to break from their cake eaters. It will be begging, pleading and a barrage of attention.

 

 

I have definitely read this one too many times, and if it comes to that, I'm not sure what I would do. He has, on more than one occasion, just shown up at my office. I'm not sure if he would ever get nasty with me, but from what has been said in this thread alone, I suppose that anything is possible.

 

And the most unbelievable part of all is that I am resisiting the urge to text/call him as I type this! It has become such a habit to be in contact...

[Trialbyfire]

And the most unbelievable part of all is that I am resisiting the urge to text/call him as I type this! It has become such a habit to be in contact...

You can do it. Each time you resist, it's a step towards breaking the habit. Much respect to you for this. Stay strong.