Is his wife just using him?

[climbergirl]

Why is it that when its about an affair the amount of time a WS spends with OP and not the children is thrown up, but if the person is very active in the community its looked upon as a good thing?

 

Hypothetically speaking, I'm sure my kids would have more respect for me if I was putting my energy into work/school/community-all of which inevitably benefit them-than sleeping and spending time with a man who wasn't their father.

 

The two aren't equal.

 

 

 

 

 

Plus its always assumed that an affair takes time away from the kids when thats not always the case.

 

True enough, but unfortunately the affair doesn't end when one walks out the door. It's still 'there', even when with he/she is with his/her family.

[2sunny]

Kenzo -

 

I'm proud of your strength and your ability to take what advice you have received here and stand up for your own self respect!

 

Stay strong - he will return and try to wear you down...

 

Remember that you want a FUTURE - and he is not it because he is off limits.

 

Keep posting if it helps you stay on the right path.

[shellys-trying]

And its great that you want to do that.

 

Yeah, I'm nice like that. too bad all MP don't think like me. there might be alot more "trying" in relationships.

 

 

 

 

So if you carry on an affair while your kids are in school how are you taking time away from your children??[/QUOTE]

 

 

I'm taking time away from my kids by even thinking about someone other than their father, where affairs are concerned.

Sorry, you don't see it the way it should be seen. Good luck with that frame of mind. I'll take my chances with "fidelity", you know, like I promised before God and everybody.

Some people just are more serious about their vows, whatever the trouble in their M.

[woe_is_me]

4. I read the thread about Dr. Phil's advice, actually before it was mentioned here, and it makes sense and but what he doesn't tell you is how to make the hurt go away, it's so easy to say "just walk away, this is no good for you" yeah, I know that already...now tell me how make the pain stop.

.

 

The pain won't 'automatically' stop .. only 'time away' from him will heal that..and you certainly won't ever forget him completely (unless you get memory loss). Time will and does heal. That much i know.

 

Gosh your situation scares me .. You sound like me 6 months into our A .. and he sounds just like him..

 

I've tried to read through some of your posts and from what i can gather..his W has absolutely no idea about you? Theres been no kind of D day? Please correct me if i'm wrong...

 

Even without her knowing about you, if your situation is anything like mine was (and the similarities are uncanny) he will start to show his true colors around 12 months in.. just when u start to think that there'll never be a time when you won't see him...

 

Then if and when his wife ever finds out about you or becomes suspicious, you could basically be thrown under a bus.

Even now i wish i hadn't accidentally made her suspicious because he was like a drug i guess and i thought i was going to see him again! I didn't want sex i just wanted to see and hold him again!

 

I guess i was meant to get us busted because now i can see who really did/does matter more. I was oh so ready to jump right back into that frying pan again.. but if i'm going to sit here and hate myself for not letting someone who obviously doesn't/didn't care about me USE me...then i'd seriously need help.

 

tc Kenzo

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Kenzo,

 

I know you are hurting and I'm sorry. But I'm sitting here reading your story and WIM's story and I'm thinking you guys are crying over rat poison. Actually, you are grieving someone who doesn't exactly exist. You need to keep that in mind. WIM is exactly right about the change that will eventually occur.

[bonehead]

And its great that you want to do that.

 

Yeah, I'm nice like that. too bad all MP don't think like me. there might be alot more "trying" in relationships.

 

 

 

 

So if you carry on an affair while your kids are in school how are you taking time away from your children??[/QUOTE]

 

 

I'm taking time away from my kids by even thinking about someone other than their father, where affairs are concerned.

Sorry, you don't see it the way it should be seen. Good luck with that frame of mind. I'll take my chances with "fidelity", you know, like I promised before God and everybody.

Some people just are more serious about their vows, whatever the trouble in their M.

 

 

Ok, I have to admit I am not the person that should be having this conversation.

 

The title Husband/ Wife and Mother/Father are not the same, they are not interchangeable.

 

You want to know why alot people ( mostly men ) " stay for the kids"? Because their worth as a father is tied to their actions as a husband.

 

A man is wrong if he has an affair because it " takes time away from his kids " regardless of if it actually takes time away from his kids. A man is wrong if he leaves his wife because he is also " leaving his kids "

 

If society would stop tying a mans role as a husband to his role as a father I think you would see fewer affairs. They would leave if they really wanted to. They wouldnt have the shame of people asking them how they could leave their kids. Trust me, it sucks to have people ask you that.

 

I also think after the divorce you would see more men remaining a very active part of the kids lives.

[bonehead]

Sorry, you don't see it the way it should be seen.

 

Ok, first of all you are in no place to tell me how I SHOULD see things, or even how I DO see things.

 

My point in my first response to this thread is that a man saying he is staying for the kids is BS because if he is a good father he can continue his relationship with his children even after a divorce. To tell an OW that his is staying for the kids is a crutch.

 

Just like a wife telling a husband that he needs to stay in the marriage for his kids is her way of saying " I will GUILT you into staying if I have to."

 

Who knows, if the marriage has him really down then getting out of it may even ( Sit down people ) IMPROVE his relationship with his children.

[woe_is_me]

Staying for the children could well be a 'crutch'

 

or... the thought of not seeing their children at night before they go to bed and in the morning when they wake up...especially when they share a very active part in the childrearing/minding (as superMM did) could really tear some guys apart...

They can't see beyond this ...

 

and if it is just a crutch..?. as someone mentioned in an earlier post then its the money and assets and years spent married...

 

IWWH I wish he didn't exist! And i'm sure Kenzo will end up feeling the same..i hope for her sake i'm wrong but the odds of happiness resulting from these relationships seem like a thousand to one...

 

And sometimes i feel like coming to this forum now isn't really helping me move on .. ? It just makes me think about him and i don't want to .. but i think i've grown attatched to y'all ..doh!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Who knows, if the marriage has him really down then getting out of it may even ( Sit down people ) IMPROVE his relationship with his children

 

Bonehead, I agree with a lot of what you have to say about this BUT I think that most men first of all do not enter affairs thinking about the long term. The affair makes it even more difficult to live with their wife. And the man doesn't stop and leave the wife first because he doesn't want to jeopordize half of everything he has ... as well as the kids.

 

Improve his relationship with the kids....? OFCOURSE IT WILL, it isn't the physical time spent in the affair that takes away from the kids as much as it is the emotional turmoil that disrupts the family, especially before they figure out what the heck is going on. That potentiates its self and only gets worse.

[bonehead]

Didnt mean to start a thread jack. Started a new thread on this topic.

[Kenzo]

Gosh your situation scares me .. You sound like me 6 months into our A .. and he sounds just like him..

 

I've tried to read through some of your posts and from what i can gather..his W has absolutely no idea about you? Theres been no kind of D day? Please correct me if i'm wrong...

 

Even without her knowing about you, if your situation is anything like mine was (and the similarities are uncanny) he will start to show his true colors around 12 months in.. just when u start to think that there'll never be a time when you won't see him...

 

Then if and when his wife ever finds out about you or becomes suspicious, you could basically be thrown under a bus.

Even now i wish i hadn't accidentally made her suspicious because he was like a drug i guess and i thought i was going to see him again! I didn't want sex i just wanted to see and hold him again!

 

I am not having a good day, two days actually, I haven't seen him but there have been some pretty nasty words exchanged. I couldn't resist the temptation to answer the phone, I was checking to see if he was online, and our conversations have run the gamut from speaking nicely and talking about all the good times to outlining all of our issues to downright nasty screaming, name calling, and blaming. He keeps saying he can't stand the fighting and arguing, and that I question him too much about things that are just inconsistent (I know, I know)... I talked to him last this afternoon and spent most of the time choking back tears, don't want him to see or hear me crying over this! I was very civil and rational, and I gave him every opportunity to walk away, I kept telling him I was done, he just kept saying no, no, no. As "done" as I said I was I couldn't hang up that phone.

 

We always see each other tomorrow night and he left it very open ended as to whether we will, I know he wants to see me and God only knows it's killing me to think of not seeing him.

 

Woe_is_Me- There has been no D-day, and I doubt there ever will be. We are about 6 months into this thing and it is way out of control. The whole time we spoke I was sick to my stomach, and the thought of not being with him hurts even more.

 

How long was your R? How long have you been apart?

 

Bonehead- the threadjack was interesting... and quite in line with everything else being discussed here. I appreciate your POV, wish other men could see for a day through your eyes!

[woe_is_me]

We started to have arguments..around six months into the A ..both tried at different times to have nc and failed .. that's also when my tears started. Sometimes he would be here and i'd start to cry not knowing when i was going to see him again. He didn't like seeing me like that ..i was once independent happy and carefree. My tears weren't really in his plan.

I'd say "what am i going to do" and he'd look at me like i was silly like there wasn't a problem or nothing to do anything about...

 

I don't know how many years he wants this to drag out for ..but i wish i'd NEVER met him. I looked back on it all just fine til his call out of the blue..

calling me after this long is horrible! i hope its the last i hear from him.

[shellys-trying]

Ok, first of all you are in no place to tell me how I SHOULD see things, or even how I DO see things.

 

My point in my first response to this thread is that a man saying he is staying for the kids is BS because if he is a good father he can continue his relationship with his children even after a divorce. To tell an OW that his is staying for the kids is a crutch.

 

Just like a wife telling a husband that he needs to stay in the marriage for his kids is her way of saying " I will GUILT you into staying if I have to."

 

Who knows, if the marriage has him really down then getting out of it may even ( Sit down people ) IMPROVE his relationship with his children.

 

You should feel guilty if you're cheating on your spouse. Plain and simple. if a spouse cheats on a spouse they are being selfish. "What God hath brought together..."

You know, that ole saying. You chose to M, now you want out because you found someone you like better? How selfish is that?

Must be nice to have that kind of self absorbed attitude. I feel for the kids in YOUR situation. But, I'm sure you'll say how happy they are after being introduced to their soon to be "new Mommy". I guess that's the way kids are, just to make Dad happy.

 

Talk till you're blue in the face, Bonehead. Your name says it all. Buh-bye!

[bonehead]

You should feel guilty if you're cheating on your spouse

 

Well then I guess I shouldnt feel guilty because Im not.

 

Im not trying to say an affair is right. I just get tired of BOTH sides using kids as an excuse.

 

My ex wife tried to use the STAY FOR THE KIDS line on me. I can be a father with her or without her. In fact I am a better father without her.

[Guest]

I can be a father with her or without her. In fact I am a better father without her.

 

 

I wish you could tell my Xmm that.

[Virgo1982]

Do we ever get tired of the same people making the same arguments everyday? Not in the sense that we shouldn't disagree, but I came here asking for you all to tell me how wrong the affair was, but the problem is, after you all told me how wrong it was, he explained how right it was. The key is to look within ourselves. It feels great to talk to people who can relate to what you're going through. I think that's where the whole support thing comes into play (you know, the purpose of this forum).

[2sunny]

Do we ever get tired of the same people making the same arguments everyday? Not in the sense that we shouldn't disagree, but I came here asking for you all to tell me how wrong the affair was, but the problem is, after you all told me how wrong it was, he explained how right it was. The key is to look within ourselves. It feels great to talk to people who can relate to what you're going through. I think that's where the whole support thing comes into play (you know, the purpose of this forum).

 

the married man will always tell how right the relationship is. that is his total ploy - to keep you involved by telling you EVERYTHING you want to hear - whether it's the truth or not.

 

we - on the other hand have a completely unbiased point of view (although we only hear one side).

 

most folks here will try and point you in the right direction.

and most folks here are willing to give great advice in your time of need.

sometimes it may be hard to hear - but in the end - it is usually the most helpful in the long run... read some of the VERY OLD posts in the OM/OW forum... or infidelity forum for that matter.

 

some posters are very good at keeping you on track such as:

WWIU

Touche'

Owl

LadyJane

Lucrezia Borgezia (sp?)

 

and numerous others that i can't think of at the moment...

 

check it out.

[Virgo1982]

the married man will always tell how right the relationship is. that is his total ploy - to keep you involved by telling you EVERYTHING you want to hear - whether it's the truth or not.

 

we - on the other hand have a completely unbiased point of view (although we only hear one side).

 

most folks here will try and point you in the right direction.

and most folks here are willing to give great advice in your time of need.

sometimes it may be hard to hear - but in the end - it is usually the most helpful in the long run... read some of the VERY OLD posts in the OM/OW forum... or infidelity forum for that matter.

 

some posters are very good at keeping you on track such as:

WWIU

Touche'

Owl

LadyJane

Lucrezia Borgezia (sp?)

 

and numerous others that i can't think of at the moment...

 

check it out.

 

I have respect for a few of the individuals mentioned, some I am not familiar with. I have received great advice and have seen compelling posts that really had me going in another direction.

 

I wasn't saying I thought the mm had valid points, but that as adults, we should be able to find the answers within ourselves-if not the others involved. I found myself crying and praying for his family last night. I found myself praying for God to give me the strength to continue walking away. I even prayed that he would have the strength too.

 

Nothing that makes you hurt, is right for you. That goes for BS and OW. What angers me is that no one accepts that coming from an OW. I would never compare what we had to what they have, because they have built a life together. They have been with this person for so long and maybe have children together. It's not the same, but worse for the BS because you expect a certain amount of respect and you don't get it. Nobody wins. Nobody.

 

I went through so many emotions on this journey. I don't know if I will ever experience anything like this-maybe when karma pays me a visit...I don't know, but thinking back to a time when I loved and trusted with all of my heart, only to find that he was seeing someone was quite painful. I don't want to be a part of that. What can I say if faced with the hard questions? I didn't know will only go so far. Playing like you think you're doing him a favor because he's being mistreated is a load of bs because he should help himself and if he can't, how in the hell are you going to make it work?

 

Affairs are a waste of my time. If he wants out. Let him get out and stay out and then find someone else to mistreat. My new motto.

[2sunny]

what's the latest Kenzo?

 

how are you?

[Kenzo]

Hi sunny-

 

The latest, well not much exciting in the past few days, which I guess is a blessing. We fought all week, every conversation, text, chat, phone call, was a battle. I am so emotionally and physically drained from all of this. Although all of our fights were about whether we should stay together, and the pros and cons of us, and "we" decided that seeing each other was not a good thing for me... we did see each other the other night, he showed up at my door, I knew he would do that, no matter what we decided.

 

The thing is, when we're apart it's so easy to fight, but when we're together it's amazing. Like nothing, the conversation was easy, we had another fantastic time together and then he drops a bomb on me that he's going away next week with his friends, kind of an annual thing they do. When we first got together we talked about this and he said he would send me out there for a few days, and now he says it's impossible and yes it would be hard considering he's sharing a room with one of the guys, whatever...I blew up...kicked him out, called him every name in the book.

 

Still he called, apologizing, I know that it is fading for him, and I pretend to him that I'm fine now...I can't fight anymore. How do you fight for something you never had...I think it's different for us in that he never promised me he was leaving, never gave me the hope that I had (and still have) I did it, I instilled it in myself.

 

I am beyond the mad part now, I just feel numb, they only one that doesn't know it is him.

 

Is it better to just let it fade out? Or do we have the big blow out and end things badly? Or do you part sweetly with the tears and the I'm sorry's, I love you's, and I never meant it to be that way...I'm trying to figure out what way leaves me with the least amount of pain...I know the end is near...