Is his wife just using him?

[Kenzo]

And just FYI this thread and this site in general is the only thng that has kept me sane and quite busy over these past two days, I didn't want to mention that we had not spoken earlier because I didn't want to get side-tracked... but right now I am ever so grateful for the welcome distraction!

[silktricks]

It is tough to hear these things, and I do feel like there is a mounting attack, I am trying to not let it get the best of me...I like it here, it helps so much to read through what other people are going through and know that at the very least I am not alone.

 

After reading this I went back and read some of the posts - not all, but many. Kenzo, please don't believe that the people posting here were attacking you. The situation - yes - but not you. For the most part the people who wrote were trying to show you that the man you seem to be so completely infatuated with is not worth your time.

 

He isn't Mr. Wonderful. He's just a guy that's using you. Mr. Wonderful is still out there. First clue when looking for him? He's single.

[2sunny]

you go girl! proud of you right now!

[Jane22067]

She is simply taking what he has to offer. She is a SAHW--that was something that established before you came along--and you pose a real threat to her

 

If she finds out about the affair, she will be faced with some very tough choices. In this day, he won't have to really support her indefinetly, She will lose most of what she has invested.

[shellys-trying]

Sounds like the W and the OW are wasting their time.

 

He seems to have no prob with wasting 2 women's lives, from what the OW says, or it sounds that way to me and all for the sake of some free sex. What an a*ss!

 

The W has more time invested so she does have alot to lose, and the OW, well, she has just invested her body and some of her heart, from the sound of it. She would more likely come out of it better off.

I don't think OW really truly knows what this MM is capable of, but from just her words about him, about his W, and the goings on he's told OW, he's real slick.

 

Sounds like a real creep. His kind of "charm" is revolting.

 

To me anyway.

[Jane22067]

His wife has a real investment at jeopardy--if this were the old days and I were in her shoes I would divorce him and take the lifetime alimony. Unfortunately, if she finds him out, the OW wins

[shellys-trying]

I would say, she can still get alimony from him if she finds out, plus alot of child support. Judges don't like cheating SOB's much.

The W has alot invested, emotions, time, etc. I agree.

I really feel sorry for the W. She deserves alot of empathy.

 

I put 3/4 of the blame for either women the way they are on the H/MM's sorry a*ss.

It's really just up to the OW to get out of the situation. She has a choice.

 

The W doesn't have a clue yet, so she's just ambling along, whether she's happy with her M, not knowing about the A or not.

 

If I were the W, when she finds out, and you know she will one day,I'd take him to the cleaners. He's a sorry POS.

[Impudent Oyster]

Kenzo, do you still think his wife is using him?

[NoIDidn't]

Kenzo

 

I only read for a few minutes most days (skipping several days sometimes lately), so I didn't want you to think that I posted and ran.

 

I didn't say anything about what you could or could not post. I simply stated that you were putting her info out there and its not yours to do so with. Its not his info to tell you either, IMO. I would be deeply offended if my H told my business like that. So I was just responding to the fact that the picture you painted of her is the one that he wants you to have and to question.

 

He wants you to see her as some mentally ill, loser that can't take care of herself without him. It gives him an out on leaving (she can't make it without him), and it makes you feel sorry for him (poor, poor, MM with the deranged W that's using him). And you get nothing. Nothing but a bunch of useless feelings when its all boiled down.

 

He is using her info to get sympathy from you. That's wrong.

 

I honestly have no bearing on what you do or don't post. Just asked why you are so concerned about her and her motives (as if she needs any as his W). The A is with him, not her. That's it.

[Kenzo]

Kenzo, do you still think his wife is using him?

 

I know this is going to be taken all wrong but I do think she is using him, the thing is though, I think she was from the start...It is not my concern and things have taken a decided turn in the past few hours (between him and I)so I'm guessing that I probably won't have to "worry" about it much longer anyway. If what he is telling me is true, she did put on the horse and pony show for him when they met...in the same respect, he shouldn't be looking outside the M if he is choosing to stay, (duped as he was!!) whether it's the kids or finances, or whatever other reason he can come up with.

 

In the beginning I didn't know he was marrried and therefore didn't know I was going to be competing for his time and affection. I would not have actively chosen to be in this position.

 

I have so much to think about, right now he is driving me crazy and I feel like I'm beginning to cave.

[Kenzo]

I didn't say anything about what you could or could not post. I simply stated that you were putting her info out there and its not yours to do so with. Its not his info to tell you either' date=' IMO. I would be deeply offended if my H told my business like that. So I was just responding to the fact that the picture you painted of her is the one that he wants you to have and to question. [/quote']

 

 

I think in the beginning I felt like he was talking to me, as a friend would, about something they are going through, but now I do see how he is probably using this to keep me around, and keep me in check. After all of this reading and posting I really want to kick his ass!

[2sunny]

stay strong - don't give in... what has he been doing in the last few hours to you?

 

and how long have they been married?

[Kenzo]

The phone has not stopped ringing...he's leaving message on work voicemail, cell phone, the texts are nuts (seriously, like 50) " answer the phone, why won't you answer, who are you with"...WHO AM I WITH!!! I almost wanted to lie and tell him I was with someone, but I can't pull that off, in case you haven't noticed I'm like an open book!! I did send one text about an hour ago telling him to leave me alone, and his response, "for how long"? I thought well if I tell him to just wait til monday maybe I'll buy a few days of peace, but then monday would be a nightmare all over again I think.

 

They are married about 13 years.

[Trialbyfire]

Here it goes...the barrage.

 

Stay strong. Why not turn your cell phone off?

[Kenzo]

In my line of work that's a no-no...doesn't really matter though he'll call the house phone when he realizes the cell is off.

[Trialbyfire]

As a thought, have you got call block?

[whichwayisup]

They are married about 13 years.

 

Then tell him "How the heck can I compete with 13 years of marriage? If you are serious about me and you love me enough, you'll divorce your wife. Until then, do NOT call me ever again. I no longer want to be involved with you because you're married." Seriously, think about it.

 

if you give into him, things will remain the same and you'll continue to be the OW in his life.

[puddleofmud]

Isn't it mostly the case that when persons are attracted they do their best "dog and pony show"?

They BOTH bought it, not just SHE or HE and they are both as responsible. Their roles are well stated and well accepted about both, so no excuses allowed! Who cares about who is using whom?

That's been accepted and it is doubtful you can change it. If they didn't like it they'd already done something about it.

As well, I feel that him giving such intimate details about his wife's past absue is abusive! Having confided in someone about something so horrific and for that to be passed along to any one without permission is a terrible betrayal!

Let's suppose I told a "friend" that I was raped, and trusted that friend to tell no one else and they did--let's say even their husband...how would one feel about that?

A trustworthy person reveals NO secrets: NO "kiss and tell".

A "nice guy" would simply say that his wife has some "some diifficult past issues".

For him to tell ANYONE of her abuse, without her permission is ultimately sick, wrong and just mean.

I would be very very careful about revealing any secrets about yourself to him--considering should he become irritated with you--he seems to have no problem, when needed, telling the most intimate secrets of others.

You are an incredibly sweet woman who probably wouldn't and has never hurt a fly and why you don't see that others just don't think and act as you....

he is not YOU, think about that for a moment--he does NOT think or act as YOU would.

Yet, you are being "trained" to think and act as he would. You would think that you are not: but yet you continue to think more about what his wife is doing. Isn't that what he is thinking> thus, you really are thinking just "like him" rather than independently?

Rather than as an independent woman who thinks for and about herself?

God forbid a woman ever do that!

 

 

 

I know this is going to be taken all wrong but I do think she is using him, the thing is though, I think she was from the start...It is not my concern and things have taken a decided turn in the past few hours (between him and I)so I'm guessing that I probably won't have to "worry" about it much longer anyway. If what he is telling me is true, she did put on the horse and pony show for him when they met...in the same respect, he shouldn't be looking outside the M if he is choosing to stay, (duped as he was!!) whether it's the kids or finances, or whatever other reason he can come up with.

 

In the beginning I didn't know he was marrried and therefore didn't know I was going to be competing for his time and affection. I would not have actively chosen to be in this position.

 

I have so much to think about, right now he is driving me crazy and I feel like I'm beginning to cave.

[Kenzo]

You know at this very moment I feel kind of strong, but I don't think that I am ready to end it like this...I mean yes I'm mad and angry about what's been done and I really do feel like I have a different perspective on things, like about the things he's told me, and their validity but I feel like I'm letting him down by not responding...Is that completely fcked up or what????

[puddleofmud]

No, sweety, I don't think you are at all f'ed up.

You are just in the middle of something you need to work out for yourself.

That's going to take time and effort and no one says you've got to do everything or anything this instant.

It is very obvious that you are very in love.

No one can make you feel something you don't and no one can make you something you aren't.

You've heard (via this forum) every thing every one has to say (and have been so kind and open-hearted to ALL stated opinions)...but no one lives your life but YOU.

So you take care and post when you need.

Best wishes to you and stay in touch!

[shellys-trying]

I know this is going to be taken all wrong but I do think she is using him, the thing is though, I think she was from the start...It is not my concern and things have taken a decided turn in the past few hours (between him and I)so I'm guessing that I probably won't have to "worry" about it much longer anyway. If what he is telling me is true, she did put on the horse and pony show for him when they met...in the same respect, he shouldn't be looking outside the M if he is choosing to stay, (duped as he was!!) whether it's the kids or finances, or whatever other reason he can come up with.

 

In the beginning I didn't know he was marrried and therefore didn't know I was going to be competing for his time and affection. I would not have actively chosen to be in this position.

 

I have so much to think about, right now he is driving me crazy and I feel like I'm beginning to cave.[/QUOTE]

 

See, now this is what I have a problem with. it's not any concern of yours whether the woman did a horse & pony show or whatever you wanna call it.

She is his W. Whether she did what or is using him(in your opinion) has nothing to do with you having an A with him. They were together before you ever came along.

This guy is a d*ick. He's using you to satisfy his physical needs, plain and simple. He needs her for whatever reasons known only to him, so he's in no hurry to get rid of his W.

When are you going to see your R to this idiot for what it is?

He's bugging you by the barrage of calls, texting, etc., etc...because you are wanting to end it. MM don't like the OW ending the A. They like to feel morally superior and end it. It's nothing personal or anything you should analyze. All he's saying and doing is to reel you back in till HE wants to end it. Whenever that is. It's a male ego thing. He doesn't want to be the dumpee. He wants to be the dumper.

 

You sound like you want to continue being this guy's blow up doll, and justify it by saying his W is using him or has since they met. blah, blah, blah...

No, you're getting used. His W is definitely getting used, not the other way around.

You & the MMscum seem to have no problem putting his family last over what you both want.

I'd wake up and move on, Kenzo.

Good luck!

[Impudent Oyster]

I know this is going to be taken all wrong but I do think she is using him, the thing is though, I think she was from the start... If what he is telling me is true, she did put on the horse and pony show for him when they met...in the same respect, he shouldn't be looking outside the M if he is choosing to stay, (duped as he was!!) whether it's the kids or finances, or whatever other reason he can come up with.

.

 

So she's been using him for 13 years? He was duped into marrying her?

 

Listen, I think you have to realize that what he's telling you is NOT true. He's a liar, why do you expect that he's telling the truth about his wife?

 

Don't be naive, he WOULD be looking outside the M if he's choosing to stay, millions of men do it every day. It's called a little somethin' on the side, but they have no intention of leaving their marriages.

 

If people intend to leave their marriages they do. They get a divorce and leave. His only intention is to screw around and not get caught.

[Kenzo]

(duped as he was!!)

 

This was sarcasm, for what it's worth.

[lindya]

You know at this very moment I feel kind of strong, but I don't think that I am ready to end it like this...I mean yes I'm mad and angry about what's been done and I really do feel like I have a different perspective on things, like about the things he's told me, and their validity but I feel like I'm letting him down by not responding...Is that completely fcked up or what????

 

It doesn't sound f*cked up. What's troubling me about these posts is that I'm seeing a bit of myself in your thinking and your outlook. I'm impressed by people who have the courage and honestly to present me with a picture of themselves/their situation that seems honest and fair - even if it's not particularly flattering. Sometimes I'm impressed to the extent that I'll diminish, in my mind, the significance of very clear warning signs they're giving me. Underestimate the destructive impact getting involved with that person, their situation and their baggage could potentially have on me.

 

What you're showing us about this guy is the same old mixed picture that applies to most of us. Lots of good bits, and a fair few bad ones. The good bits are...

 

He is THAT guy, you know the one everyone likes, the life of the party, the guy who has the best poker games and takes all the kids in the neighborhood for ice cream just to see them smile, he's the guy that buys the bagels for the little old lady behind him in line at the bakery without her knowing, the guy that stops to change your tire in the rain or push your car out of a ditch in a snowstorm...absolutely genuine, would do anything for anyone, tips the waiter 50% even when the service sucks, because hey that waiter might have just been having a bad day.

 

Then there are the less lovable aspects. For instance...

 

When she first suspected an affair she said she would leave him, she knows how much those kids mean to him, he told her that if that's the way she feels then she should do it and in light of her "condition", and lack of ability to take care of herself, he would get he kids, and leave her in the same way he found her, so she could start over, from scratch.

 

It makes her sound a little like a stray puppy he rescued who proved to be a lot more trouble than he bargained for, and impossible to housetrain. I'm not at all surprised that the same guy who would tip a waiter 50% for crappy service, and who would rescue people out of ditches during snowstorms, would also tell his wife that he was going to leave her in the condition he found her in. It sounds like something that a person who views himself as one of life's rescuers might say when he's feeling unappreciated - or when the person he rescued is trying to assert or empower themselves (eg "I'll leave you if you're having an affair").

 

You're doing your best to be fair here. That's clear. Although you've been critical of his wife here and there, you're not being a bitch about it. From her perspective, though, you'll be the woman her husband's betrayed her with. Not just sexually, but in terms of you knowing some highly personal and sensitive information about her. You know about their sex life (or lack thereof). You know medical details about her. You know she was sexually abused, as a child, by a family member. That's some really private and confidential stuff, and if I were that woman, I'd really not want many people knowing about it - particularly not the woman my husband was sleeping with. Regardless of how nice, fair and objective that woman was.

 

To my mind, that's a terrible betrayal by him. Infinitely worse than sexual cheating. It suggests to me that much as this guy might genuinely want to be the lovely, compassionate, helpful type, he might not have the integrity required to live up to all that entails.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Kenzo,

 

I disagree with the poster who implied that you are just a piece of a## to him. I still hold that you are the ego feed, he NEEDS his wonderful reflection in your eyes as well as your adoration. THATS why he's running around playing hero to old ladies and taking the neighborhood kids to get ice cream. The attention fills him up.

 

When I read your post about him calling and calling and how upset he is the first thing that went through my mind is what was going on in his home. GUESS WHAT! I'll bet you a dime to a dollar that his unhappiness is being completely taken out on his wife. No doubt she is the whipping boy. Her holliday weekend is most likely ruined and you can bet HE is blaming her for his unhappiness with you!

 

The nature of the "who are you with" texts is projection! See, if you're unhappy with someone (and your him) you NEED someone else to make you happy! He just gave you alot of information about himself. No matter what he has told you about his wife, HE is not the same person to her that he is to you. What he needs from her is someone to control and dominate, he can't fool her into thinking he's someone he's not. I can promise you that if you keep up NC for any length of time he'll have you replaced. HE NEEDS THAT!