Is his wife just using him?

[2sunny]

Kenzo,

 

I disagree with the poster who implied that you are just a piece of a## to him. I still hold that you are the ego feed, he NEEDS his wonderful reflection in your eyes as well as your adoration. THATS why he's running around playing hero to old ladies and taking the neighborhood kids to get ice cream. The attention fills him up.

 

When I read your post about him calling and calling and how upset he is the first thing that went through my mind is what was going on in his home. GUESS WHAT! I'll bet you a dime to a dollar that his unhappiness is being completely taken out on his wife. No doubt she is the whipping boy. Her holliday weekend is most likely ruined and you can bet HE is blaming her for his unhappiness with you!

 

The nature of the "who are you with" texts is projection! See, if you're unhappy with someone (and your him) you NEED someone else to make you happy! He just gave you alot of information about himself. No matter what he has told you about his wife, HE is not the same person to her that he is to you. What he needs from her is someone to control and dominate, he can't fool her into thinking he's someone he's not. I can promise you that if you keep up NC for any length of time he'll have you replaced. HE NEEDS THAT!

 

 

good post - good insight!

[SoleMate]

Is his wife just using him?

Depend on your definition. She might be "using" him as a husband, father to her children, life partner, source of emotional and social security, person that she can give her affection and nurturing to and someone who provides a reason for her to get out of bed every morning.

 

If you see it that way, then be aware that he is "using" her in just the same way: wife, mother to his children, life partner, (one of his) sex partner(s), housekeeper...

 

I have a lot of sympathy for that woman, who suspects the truth and is being lied to by the man she wants to trust. Yes, she is vulnerable as a SAHM without job skills.

 

Just to add the nuance...he is using you not just for sex, but also for emotional purposes.

 

If you felt good about your r/s with the MM who lies to his pathetic wife and to you and to himself, I don't think you'd be so busy posting here trying to justify it. If you've really called it off, that's great news.

[shellys-trying]

Kenzo,

 

I disagree with the poster who implied that you are just a piece of a## to him. I still hold that you are the ego feed, he NEEDS his wonderful reflection in your eyes as well as your adoration. THATS why he's running around playing hero to old ladies and taking the neighborhood kids to get ice cream. The attention fills him up.

 

When I read your post about him calling and calling and how upset he is the first thing that went through my mind is what was going on in his home. GUESS WHAT! I'll bet you a dime to a dollar that his unhappiness is being completely taken out on his wife. No doubt she is the whipping boy. Her holliday weekend is most likely ruined and you can bet HE is blaming her for his unhappiness with you!

 

The nature of the "who are you with" texts is projection! See, if you're unhappy with someone (and your him) you NEED someone else to make you happy! He just gave you alot of information about himself. No matter what he has told you about his wife, HE is not the same person to her that he is to you. What he needs from her is someone to control and dominate, he can't fool her into thinking he's someone he's not. I can promise you that if you keep up NC for any length of time he'll have you replaced. HE NEEDS THAT![/QUOTE]

 

Wow! This poster just blew my thoughts outa the water. These are some really good points.

You know, it may not be that this OW is a POA. It may very well be that she's the ego feeder, I think it was called.

Good point. I stand corrected with a different look to it.

 

I think one of the main points here by several posters is the MM is a very slick POS.

And the part about his W getting the brunt of his pissy attitude. yeah, I'd say so.

Again, i wish I knew the W. She'd atleast get my opinion.

I'm just wondering if Kenzo knows enough about this BW to tell if the BW has friends of her own, girl type ones, whom she can hang around. If the BW stays mainly at home, with not much of a life outside it, what does that say about the kind of control her H has over her?

[GreenEyedLady]

 

Depending on the state they're in, alimony can be half the time of the marriage and if they've been married for ten or more years, she would be entitled to alimony for life or until she remarries...

[shellys-trying]

Just by reading between the lines of what this OW says about the MM and his relationship with his abused W, I would think the W deserves to be financially stable for the rest of her life, WITHOUT THE IDIOT in her and her kids' lives.

What kind of sick twisted jerk learns about what his W obviously told him about her abused past then goes on to abuse her, in whatever way he does, including cheating on her with another woman. And even tells the OW about his W's problems.

 

If the OW here has any sense, unless she's alittle like the MM where selfishness is concerned, she'll get the he!! outa Dodge.

 

Shouldn't his behavior toward his W be a red flag to the OW?

Who would want a guy like that? What does it say about her, the OW, if she still can't resist the creep's charms(shuddering in revulsion while I write those words)?

[woe_is_me]

the MM i was involved with was a bit like Kenzo's 'creep' lol .. had to play 'hero' to everyone around him. Somehow though i think the one he wanted to adore him the most was/is his W.

 

And it's not really Kenzos fault that she knows so many personal details about the W's history. Sitting there listening to the crap a MM like this can spin doesn't really make her self-centered...it's just what they do and i have no idea why..I sure knew though, that i wouldn't want anyone doing that to me...His total disregard for his M and W used to leave me stunned at times..

[shellys-trying]

Sitting there listening to the crap a MM like this can spin doesn't really make her self-centered...it's just what they do and i have no idea why..I sure knew though, that i wouldn't want anyone doing that to me...His total disregard for his M and W used to leave me stunned at times..

 

 

 

Word!

[Kenzo]

Kenzo,

 

I disagree with the poster who implied that you are just a piece of a## to him. I still hold that you are the ego feed, he NEEDS his wonderful reflection in your eyes as well as your adoration. THATS why he's running around playing hero to old ladies and taking the neighborhood kids to get ice cream. The attention fills him up.

 

When I read your post about him calling and calling and how upset he is the first thing that went through my mind is what was going on in his home. GUESS WHAT! I'll bet you a dime to a dollar that his unhappiness is being completely taken out on his wife. No doubt she is the whipping boy. Her holliday weekend is most likely ruined and you can bet HE is blaming her for his unhappiness with you!

 

The nature of the "who are you with" texts is projection! See, if you're unhappy with someone (and your him) you NEED someone else to make you happy! He just gave you alot of information about himself. No matter what he has told you about his wife, HE is not the same person to her that he is to you. What he needs from her is someone to control and dominate, he can't fool her into thinking he's someone he's not. I can promise you that if you keep up NC for any length of time he'll have you replaced. HE NEEDS THAT!

 

 

IWWH- I am saving this!!! I hope you don't mind but if he ever needs to have this conversation in person, I will be stealing your words!!

 

I am not in a good place right now, today definitely took it's toll on me. He blew my phone up all day...I tried so hard to ignore him but I broke... I never spoke to him, only through text.

 

I just don't know what to think, I've read and re-read what's been said here and I see so much truth and objective insight and then I wonder how could I have been so foolish to believe all of what he was telling me. But at the same time he's never missed a beat, never contradicted himself, if it is all lies how does he keep it straight??

 

As far as any and all of the D talk, I'm not sure that will ever be an issue for them, but honestly he knows he can say whatever he wants, won't stop the judge from giving her everything she wants/needs...and although some still want to believe I'm a heartless homewrecker, If she doesn't get it all then she'll have gotten less than she deserved.

[Kenzo]

If the OW here has any sense, unless she's alittle like the MM where selfishness is concerned, she'll get the he!! outa Dodge.

 

Shouldn't his behavior toward his W be a red flag to the OW?

Who would want a guy like that? What does it say about her, the OW, if she still can't resist the creep's charms(shuddering in revulsion while I write those words)?

 

It seems like it would be that easy, if I was not going throught his myself, I would probably be saying the same thing. I am trying to see him through different eyes, ones where he is not the knight in shining armor.

 

I've become accustomed to him and it's a routine that will be hard to break, and as most of us know the weekends are the easy part, Monday will be the real test for me, when he's able to show up at my office.

 

My head hurts I have to go to bed...

[whichwayisup]

If he shows up at your office, tell him to respect your wishes and to leave you alone. If he doesn't, push him out of your office and close the door.

 

I know you're hurting, but you're gonna hurt even more if you let him back into your life...

[shellys-trying]

 

I am not in a good place right now, today definitely took it's toll on me. He blew my phone up all day...I tried so hard to ignore him but I broke... I never spoke to him, only through text.

QUOTE]

 

Kenzo, now this statement just doesn't make sense. YOU can control the use of your phone. You can turn it off and not deal with it. You can even block #'s on it.

This phone problem and him calling it? It's easily rectified.

 

Are you sure you don't like his hounding you just a little bit? You know the whole him chasing you thing?

I mean, if someone was bothering me on the phone, #1 I'd tell them don't call again or I'll consider this harrassment. Threaten to call the police about the constant calls.

You can take control of that, and as far as him coming to your office, that's easily remedied too. Call a superior. You can make this guy leave you alone if you want to.

 

You make the choice to pick it up or leave it on to see if it's him calling when it rings.

You can't hear a rining phone if it's turned off.

[woe_is_me]

I've become accustomed to him and it's a routine that will be hard to break

 

This is the clincher!

 

Kenzo..you should go to page 9 of sinkORswims thread..and read the post by Frances (i don't know how to paste the links) and read it all to yourself in Dr Phils voice..hehe

 

I really feel for you because he does have your brain

 

AND u work with him! This is bad ..i'd have to find somewhere else to work if that was part of my scenario..i'd go nuts!

There will always be suggestive married men in the workplace.. it's up to you to never let this happen to yourself again.

 

My earlier post says that MM 'spun crap' to me... it's not that it wasn't 'all' true.. it's just stuff that i didn't really 'need' to know?

 

And i can wonder about his W till the cows come home. The bottom line is though.. 'i have no idea' only what 'he' chose to tell me...some of it seemed very contradictory though...and their relationship isnt/wasn't really my business..so i didn't dwell on it..

 

I had no forums to run to when i felt lost during our A.. i didn't know they existed..this was '02..and a couple of times he had photos with him to show me (of his boys, house etc all the things i guess he wanted to show me that he couldn't) how romantic!

I remember wanting to see a wedding picture though .. I still don't know why.. and he didn't or wouldn't let me see one ..i don't know why he wouldn't and i still don't know why i even wanted to see one... oh well this is the garbage and confusion that A's are made of...

 

I think i've wished you luck before Kenzo.. stay strong young lady..

Just keep reading..every day i still learn something new from these forums re. xMM and our A... and i never cease to be amazed..!

 

Make sure u read Frances' post okay!

[Island Girl]

Could it be that she is just using him for the lifestyle, money, white picket fence illusion? And if so, why?

 

If that's all it was about then he wouldn't have to hide his affair. She wouldn't care as long as it was discreet.

 

She doesn't think there is any illusion in her relationship. But then it's pretty clear that you don't think there is any illusion in yours either.

 

That's because he is lying to both of you and both of you believe him.

[NoIDidn't]

It sounds like something that a person who views himself as one of life's rescuers might say when he's feeling unappreciated - or when the person he rescued is trying to assert or empower themselves (eg "I'll leave you if you're having an affair").

 

You're doing your best to be fair here. That's clear. Although you've been critical of his wife here and there, you're not being a bitch about it. From her perspective, though, you'll be the woman her husband's betrayed her with. Not just sexually, but in terms of you knowing some highly personal and sensitive information about her. You know about their sex life (or lack thereof). You know medical details about her. You know she was sexually abused, as a child, by a family member. That's some really private and confidential stuff, and if I were that woman, I'd really not want many people knowing about it - particularly not the woman my husband was sleeping with. Regardless of how nice, fair and objective that woman was.

 

To my mind, that's a terrible betrayal by him. Infinitely worse than sexual cheating. It suggests to me that much as this guy might genuinely want to be the lovely, compassionate, helpful type, he might not have the integrity required to live up to all that entails.

 

This is exactly what I was talking about. This guy USES other people's responses to him to gauge how he feels about himself. He rescued his W from her horrible experiences, but it doesn't make him feel like SuperMan because she isn't completely "fixed".

 

I don't think he's a POS at all. I think he isn't even aware of his actual state because he can always find more people to reflect what he wants/needs to see about himself. Like someone else already said, he will replace you if you walk away. Which really makes this not about you or his W. Its about him.

 

All the things he told you about his W were to make her sound "unfixable". It was to make her sound blind of how great he really is because of HER issues. But he has his own issues, first his Hero Complex. He is a common cheater. The has Knight-In-Shining-Armoritis. The one that needs to find someone to rescue. When he sees how much he has hurt his W with this or any A, he will RUN to rescue her from the pain that he's caused her.

 

If you do talk to him again, tell him about his disease and to go to a therapist. Those with this illness run back to the families that they betrayed because they need to fix things. And after breaking them, feel obligated to stay and fix them no matter what.

[Kenzo]

Kenzo, now this statement just doesn't make sense. YOU can control the use of your phone. You can turn it off and not deal with it. You can even block #'s on it.

This phone problem and him calling it? It's easily rectified.

 

Are you sure you don't like his hounding you just a little bit? You know the whole him chasing you thing?

I mean, if someone was bothering me on the phone, #1 I'd tell them don't call again or I'll consider this harrassment. Threaten to call the police about the constant calls.

You can take control of that, and as far as him coming to your office, that's easily remedied too. Call a superior. You can make this guy leave you alone if you want to.

 

You make the choice to pick it up or leave it on to see if it's him calling when it rings.

You can't hear a rining phone if it's turned off.

 

Just to respond to some things that have been said/asked:

 

1. We do not work together, he is customer and a good one at that so no my superiors will not be kicking him out.

 

2. I do like that he is a bit tortured by this, why should I be the only one suffering, yes his calls and texts are getting a little annoying, but like I said before , I can't turn my phone off.

 

3. His W is not a bedridden vegetable who can't funtion in society, I do know she has friends, and they are very active in the school and the community; yes she has this horrible past to contend with but I don't think it debilitates her.

 

4. I read the thread about Dr. Phil's advice, actually before it was mentioned here, and it makes sense and but what he doesn't tell you is how to make the hurt go away, it's so easy to say "just walk away, this is no good for you" yeah, I know that already...now tell me how make the pain stop.

 

5. Never ever once did I ask about his homelife! He talked I listened, I didn't judge him based on anything he told me, maybe it was in bad taste to tell me things about his W, but I thought that's what friends do ( I will always consider him my friend, even if we never spoke again). He needed to talk through some things, I never passed judgement on either of them, except here where, I thought, it would be appropriate to asks a question not appropriate in "the real world".

 

Shellys-Trying- I went back and read some of your past posts to get a handle on your thoughts, and now at least I can see from where you POV comes, I am sorry if I said anything to hurt you, I am not unsympathetic to the other side of this equation, I think you know that.

 

woe_is_me- I can't tell you how much having this place to come and just being able to get this all out has helped me, and I try not to dwell, but the plain and simple of it all is that I do love him, despite all of this...

 

Thank you all, to those who understand,those with the tough love, and to the down-right mean. It all goes to the same place helping me move in the right direction...I know the right thing to do...I am just hoping I am strong enough to do it.

[Virgo1982]

He works three jobs to keep her in the lap of luxury...she's a stay at home mom that has a housekeeper!!!!! Give me a break! Oh well...shoulda coulda woulda....That could have been me if I had played my cards right years ago! I would have never let him work three jobs to support us though. I would have been the one to pick up the slack. They tell us what they think we want to hear. I have no doubt about that!

 

3 JOBS???!!! When the hell does he have time for an A? LOL

[shellys-trying]

Shellys-Trying- I went back and read some of your past posts to get a handle on your thoughts, and now at least I can see from where you POV comes, I am sorry if I said anything to hurt you, I am not unsympathetic to the other side of this equation, I think you know that.

 

 

Then you'll understand why it's really hard to even want to see any OW's point of view.

I think your choice is easy. The MM you're dealing with is a selfish jerk. And I know a M selfish jerk when I see (or in this case hear about)one. My H was very selfsih and so was the skank he slept with. So, I have little sympathy for either side, but I am trying here. I just keep seeing you make excuses to stay around him.

 

btw, I'm glad to hear the BW isn't humped up in a ball at home. She needs to have some "living" to her life.

 

The only right choice for you in this matter is getting away from this M jerk. If you value yourself and respect yourself. If you like settling for 2nd, then I guess you stay where you are.

Right now, when you take his calls and listen to his lip service garbage, you seem to like being 2nd.

 

p/s: I would never be happy and enjoy some guy harrassing me with endless calls and bothering me at my workplace. He needs to show some decorum and self respect himself and just go back to his W and work on his M. He did M her.

[Kenzo]

Well I couldn't have predicted this better! 3:30 I get a page to the front of the office, I have a guest in the lobby. In an effort to not create a scene, we went outside...It was as if I was holding this whole thread in my hands as we spoke, and he was completely shut down, dead in his tracks! He stood there shaking his head, there was nothing to for him to say, he couldn't defend himself against the logic I learned here. If he didn't say he was sorry 100 times...

 

He tried to kiss me, and he had the sad little puppy look down to a science,but I walked away, It freakin killed me, but I did it. About an hour later he called and left me a message about how right I am and how selfish he is and how he is the man I think (thought?) he is, and that he lives for the times we spend together...duration of message 8 minutes.

 

For the record I am dying inside right now(after the fact), and I really don't know where those guts came from to walk away from him, but I must say it felt very empowering.

[shellys-trying]

Well I couldn't have predicted this better! 3:30 I get a page to the front of the office, I have a guest in the lobby. In an effort to not create a scene, we went outside...It was as if I was holding this whole thread in my hands as we spoke, and he was completely shut down, dead in his tracks! He stood there shaking his head, there was nothing to for him to say, he couldn't defend himself against the logic I learned here. If he didn't say he was sorry 100 times...

 

He tried to kiss me, and he had the sad little puppy look down to a science,but I walked away, It freakin killed me, but I did it. About an hour later he called and left me a message about how right I am and how selfish he is and how he is the man I think (thought?) he is, and that he lives for the times we spend together...duration of message 8 minutes.

 

For the record I am dying inside right now(after the fact), and I really don't know where those guts came from to walk away from him, but I must say it felt very empowering.

 

Well, I'd keep on walking. He's just agreeing with you to pull the wool over your eyes. MM are like that. He lives for the time to string you along.

 

I would tell him thank you for agreeing with you, but you're still moving on. Go find another woman to scam. Because, that's what he's doing.

If you went back to him, later when he dumps you, he'll use this little episode to throw in your face. You know, about how gullible you were to believe him, time and again?

If you feel empowered enough after dealing with him today, you should have no prob to just keep walking.

[whichwayisup]

He tried to kiss me, and he had the sad little puppy look down to a science,but I walked away, It freakin killed me, but I did it. About an hour later he called and left me a message about how right I am and how selfish he is and how he is the man I think (thought?) he is, and that he lives for the times we spend together...duration of message 8 minutes.

 

But, even though he feels that way, it's not enough to make him end his marriage and be with you. Sure he misses you, I don't doubt that - It just isn't enough to change his whole life.

 

I bet that he's still willing to hold the door open and let you stay the OW in his life. Don't do it, don't settle for table scraps.

[bonehead]

His kids are the world to him, I know a lot of us deal with this "excuse" for them not leaving, he is a fantastic father...and for him I really believe it is a reason and not an excuse.

 

Being a father who left a marriage I will flat out say that any man who uses this as an excuse is FOS.

 

There is no reason a man who truly wants out of his marriage can not continue a healthy relationship with his children.

[shellys-trying]

If he was such a stand up dad, he wouldn't be having an A, which takes precious time from his kids.

 

The time he spends with his A partner, he could be spending with his children.

Yeah, the whole "staying for the kids" excuse is bullsh*it.

[bonehead]

If he was such a stand up dad, he wouldn't be having an A, which takes precious time from his kids.

 

The time he spends with his A partner, he could be spending with his children.

Yeah, the whole "staying for the kids" excuse is bullsh*it.

 

Why is it that when its about an affair the amount of time a WS spends with OP and not the children is thrown up, but if the person is very active in the community its looked upon as a good thing?

 

Plus its always assumed that an affair takes time away from the kids when thats not always the case.

[shellys-trying]

I disagree. If you're spending any time with another person(affair person), besides the person you're M to and your kids, you ARE taking time from the family, because if you have the time to go over to your OP's home, or whatever, you have that time you should be spending it with your family.

 

Taking time from the spouse and kids you have at home is promoting the A even further.

I can't see ever choosing to go to some guy's house and have sex when I can be with my H and kids.

There's nothing I'd rather do than be with my family. And my H has had an A, but I'd rather be with him and our kids any day.

 

It's a choice we make, to go to another person for attention, and I don't care what anyone says, it shows a lack of caring for the family you have at home if you choose to be with another person outside the M.

 

When you take time from your spouse and kids to spend it with another person to have sex, you're being selfish. Period.

[bonehead]

There's nothing I'd rather do than be with my family. And my H has had an A, but I'd rather be with him and our kids any day.

 

And its great that you want to do that.

 

 

If you're spending any time with another person(affair person), besides the person you're M to and your kids, you ARE taking time from the family, because if you have the time to go over to your OP's home, or whatever, you have that time you should be spending it with your family.

 

So if you carry on an affair while your kids are in school how are you taking time away from your children??