I am addicted to him but he loves someone else

[Ahri]

Hello I have never posted one of these before, but after reading several of the other ones I am hoping to get help here. Let me start at the begining, about 10 yrs ago I met this guy he fell in love with me and I liked him and felt I had no more time to wait so we got married and had two beautiful children. Well about two months after we had gotten married one of his oldest friends came to visit us. And when the friend (call him Devon) walked through my front door the first time I went weak in the knees, I got light headed and fell completely in love, but I never told anyone. Six years later I am getting a divorce. During that time Devon had gotten married and had a child of his own. We talked always as only friends, but I never stopped loving him completely. As I was single and he was not so I pushed my feelings deep down and tried hard to forget it. Until about a year later I got a call in the middle of the night it was Devon and he and his wife had broken up I was single he was single, but I still said nothing. He needed a friend and thats what I was for him. Then one night we had a huge fight and didn't talk again. Until about a year ago when I sent him a letter with my email address in it. We exchanged emails like crazy and got closer and closer. Now don't get me wrong there were other guys in the mean time but they never did 'it' for me. Anyway about seven months ago we were talking on icq and I finally told him how I felt and he said he felt the same way. Well we got even closer and about three months ago I went to visit him and everything was so wonderful we were intimate and seemed to grow even closer. I had to leave and return home and we kept talking and being close on icq and chatrooms. Well about two months ago he tells me that he just wanted to be friends again because things were getting to intense for him. I was hurt it felt as if he had reached through the computer screen and smacked me across the face but I said okay lets just be friends for now. Last month he tells me that he had never loved me like I loved him, in fact he said that he had been in love with someone else long before we ever decided to get together as a couple. And now that she was single he wanted to try being with her and as his friend I should be there to listen to him, he even asked my advise on how to get her into bed. Now I know at this point your yelling 'stupid' at the screen but remember the title of this. I wanted to be close to him and I am willing to do whatever it takes to do that in the hopes that when she leaves him he will come running back to me. We had a huge fight and I was willing to call it quits, but the next morning when I got up I started sending him icq after icq and email after email begging his forgiveness. He still refused to talk to me until one night about four days later he came to me begining me for help because they were going through a rough patch and he wanted his 'best friends' advise, so I helped him get her to forgive him. I don't know what it is about him but I just can't seem to break it off. I spend every waking moment waiting for him to come online and talk to me about anything. I ache for every little word from him. I just don't know how to deal I can't walk away from him and I know I can't go on this way much longer without doing something stupid... please help thank you.

 

Ahri

[Cici]

OK. Read this article...

 

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1999/11/16/guru/index.html

 

Sweetheart...love is not about the complete giving of yourself to another. It is about two independent people coming together with common goals and life plans who chose to be with one another freely.

 

The bottom line is that this man wants to be with someone else, and there are no cosmic signs or paths that will align to change his mind unless he wants to. Now, you must move on. Think of your children...they tend to patter their love lives after what is presented to them by their parents. Do you want them to go through the same weird desperation you are? Years and years have been wasted, yes, wasted on this man. Because of what? Weak knees? Breathlessness? What if it was just the flu or an asthma attack!?!

 

You are an independent woman. Nowadays we women tend to define ourselves through our relationships, which creates dependency, which creates resentment. In order to have a good, happy relationship, you must learn to define yourself on your own terms. Only then will you attract a healthy man in kind.

 

Of course, in the end it is up to you. It is your life. If you want to spend it pining away after someone who might have used you as a rebound relationship and is now taking advantage of your affection for him and grinding your self-esteem into the dirt by forcing you to help him get into bed with another woman...be my guest. But be aware of the consequences. A lonely life. Dedicated not to yourself, but to a man. See a therapist.

[Richie]

"And now that she was single he wanted to try being with her and as his friend I should be there to listen to him, he even asked my advise on how to get her into bed."

 

Something is seriously wrong with both of you. He is a sadist and manipulator. Your self-esteem is zero. Before you do more stupid things, You should IMMEDIATELY see a therapist. You have very serious self-esteem problem. I guess, you are in your thirties. But You talk like a teenager. Don't put your nose up thinking that it is pure love and for love, i am doing all these things. It is not love. Because you don't love yourself. It is pure crush. As a friend, you need not put up with whatever he does or says. I think, if he asks you to watch him doing a girl as a friend, you would do it willingly.

 

Men wants to chase. (But he won't chase you. Because, you have already lost the grip by begging and listening to all his nonsense.) If you are going to beg him for forgiveness for your undone mistake, he will have -100% respect for you. He is using you like a toilet paper. Guys like girls who have self-respect and vice versa.

 

Concentrate on your life and children. If you are going to go behind someone and waiting for him to talk to you on line all the time, i don't think your kids get proper love and attention from you. See a therapist atleast for your kids' sake.

 

-Richie

 

(People in this situation won't get it into head Whatever the other people say. So i strongly advise you to see a therapist before you lose full control of yourself)

[Ahri]

I am 28 and I don't trust therapists as far as I could pick up a car and throw it. So I guess I am f***ed up beyond all hope... so be it... and my kids get lots of love and attention, my computer is 4 feet from my couch in my livingroom. They also know nothing about what is going on between me and him!