Oh damn that long black hair!

[EC]

TB be my new guy friend lol

[tanbark813]

TB be my new guy friend lol

 

Ok, but you should know that I like to Jello-wrestle all my friends.

[EC]

LMAO sure we are part of the "LS Frat":bunny: and thats the rushing process lol

[tanbark813]

LMAO sure we are part of the "LS Frat":bunny: and thats the rushing process lol

 

Exactly. Welcome aboard.

[mental_traveller]

I thought about that..making a new guy friend and hanging out all the time. And explain how I like the company and he shouldnt worry. That I just like this friends point of view la did dah..but then i thought it would just infuriate him more because he will know I was doing it on purpose.

 

Besides he says guys can have friends that are just girls but if a guy wants to be my friend he just wants to bonk. Well doesnt that go for him too? lmao wtf/

 

In my experience, the only female friends a straight guy can have are ones that are in a solid relationship, or ones that he just doesn't find attractive. Guy + attractive, single, female friend is pretty rare without something happening at some point. I mean look around - how many guys do you know who have stayed friends with an attractive single woman, and they've never done anything? It's extremely rare, because when someone attractive & single is friends with you, your interactions naturally make you start thinking about having sex with them (speaking from a guy point of view here). Even average-looking female friends have that impact after a while. As a man, when you get along with a woman and have fun, the thought of bedding her always pops up. So if the woman is interested too, it's almost inevitable something will happen.

 

Your bf is just writing off your feelings IMO, and the fact that he has this double standard is a red flag. If single guys who befriend you are after sex, then single women who befriend him may well be up for it too. If he doesn't trust you with a single guy "friend", why should you trust him with a woman who he admits is good looking and "more spontaneous". Just think about that comment - why didn't he say she was "an airhead compared to you", or "more superficial" than you? Notice how he framed it as a putdown to you and a compliment to her, not the other way round. Even if I did meet someone who was better in some way than my gf at the time, I wouldn't say it in those terms, and most guys wouldn't either - except if they were temporarily caught up in the other woman's flattery & attention.

 

As for him seeing through it if you make him jealous - so what? He can see through it all he likes, but the fact is that he will hate it if you have a guy friend. It will at least make him realise you mean business. Look - if a guy has a problem, he can just ask himself "What would James Bond do?" and he'll get the right answer 9 times out of 10. Figure out the female equivalent and there you are. What would Ava Gardner do? Probably start hanging out with some handsome intelligent guy and make her bf jealous as hell until he comes back with his tail between his legs!

 

Anyway - keep us updated. And don't ignore the situation. He is dismissing your words, so you have to use actions to make him pay attention.

[dropdeadlegs]

EC, I do trust my BF with all my heart. He would break up with me first if he felt compelled to cheat. Still, I'm not getting a good vibe from this. I used to be the jealous type when I felt there was a real possibility for cheating potential in a partner.

 

I have male friends and my Bf has female friends, but we don't spend a lot of time with them without the other being present. I wouldn't be comfortable with a woman at my BF's place daily even if others were present, and it's not about my trust in him, it's about a perceived lack of respect for me and my feelings.

 

If my BF was uncomfortable with a situation, I would much rather change that situation than make him uncomfortable even if I felt it was ridiculous of him to feel uncomfortable. As others have stated, its about putting you first.

 

How would he feel if you were hanging out with a group that included guys every evening and didn't even give him privacy while talking on the phone?

[EC]

thats exactly what I keep on saying! Thats its not that I dont trust him..its a respect thing! But because of my jealousy issues in the past he thinks Im using the respect thing as an excuse.

 

But really its about respecting me and my relationship. But then he says you just don't want me to associate with any girls or have any friends that are girls because you are jealous. He asked whats going to happen when I have to work in a company and travel with women?

 

I just dont know how to explain to him its not that I dont trust him its the respect thing. I dont like the feeling that they know he has a girl yet they hang out there at his house all the time and get rides from him. It bugs the hell out of me.

 

I just can't seem to get through to him. No matter what i say im jealous and insecure but its not about that grrr...

[EC]

Today at lunch there was a peach sweater in his back seat. I was like wtf now whose sweater is that. He quickly said it was some girl nicoles that she had left it at the meeting last night and he said he would return it to her because he had a class with her today. So he threw it in his backseat to return it to her today.

 

I swear if I see the black haired girl ever wearing that sweater Im running him over then backing up lol (jk people)

 

I didnt get a bad vibe but after the hair and now a sweater I dunno...

[whichwayisup]

It comes down to this - If he is gonna cheat he's gonna cheat on you. You can't stop that from happening. And, god forbid he DOES cheat on you, it means that he wasn't the right one for you.

 

You can't control him, but let's hope that he IS telling you the truth. He isn't cheating, nor does he want to.

 

Your insecurities and jealously issues are yours, from your past. He isn't your past, so it isn't fair to put that on him.

 

Before this, has he given you reasons to mistrust him when it came to other girls? If no, then try your hardest not to worry about it. Focus on the good stuff between you two and how you've grown together as a couple.

 

Keep things in perspective, don't blow it out of proportion - DO you think he would do something stupid and lose you?

[a4a]

ehhhh....... the plot thickens.....

 

So who died and made him sweater master?

 

 

seriously..... sounds a tad fishy.

 

When the panties show up sticking out of his pants pocket you have the right to run him over.

[EC]

It comes down to this - If he is gonna cheat he's gonna cheat on you. You can't stop that from happening. And, god forbid he DOES cheat on you, it means that he wasn't the right one for you.

 

You can't control him, but let's hope that he IS telling you the truth. He isn't cheating, nor does he want to.

 

Your insecurities and jealously issues are yours, from your past. He isn't your past, so it isn't fair to put that on him.

 

Before this, has he given you reasons to mistrust him when it came to other girls? If no, then try your hardest not to worry about it. Focus on the good stuff between you two and how you've grown together as a couple.

 

Keep things in perspective, don't blow it out of proportion - DO you think he would do something stupid and lose you?

 

 

i really dont know WWIU? The only thing i have ever caught him in was a year ago when we were in an LDR and his birthday was coming up. He was going to rent a hotel with friends and go club hopping. The weekend before that I visited him and found a text on his phone from an ex that said i cant wait for your bday and he said i know I can't wait your def going to make it more interesting. He was going to meet up with her and party and she was going to saty at the hotel just as 'friends' but he didnt want to tell me because he said i would get jealous and not understand. Had i not found the text i would have never known. He ended up not going nor renting a hotel.

 

Thats been the only thing. But he makes little comments sometimes that makes me look at him twice sometimes. Can't think of any off the top of my head but just little things he says sometimes makes me think he leads this little double sneaky life. lol Maybe my insecurities?

 

I know if he will cheat he will cheat and nothing I can do will stop him but man..That would suck.

[mental_traveller]

It comes down to this - If he is gonna cheat he's gonna cheat on you. You can't stop that from happening. And, god forbid he DOES cheat on you, it means that he wasn't the right one for you.

 

A total cheater is going to cheat, yes. But sometimes a good couple can have a rough patch, or an outsider goes for one of them and in the heat of the moment they can be tempted & cheat once.

 

Do you really think 100% of people in marriages & long-term relationships have never ever been tempted? Isn't it better to head off temptation early, rather than sit back and just passively hope that someone going full-on to seduce your patner won't succeed?

 

Seriously - imagine your ideal fantasy. You are "just friends" for 6 months or so (since after all, there's no chance you would cheat right?). Then one night you have a great conversation, you've both had some drinks, and you are feeling a special connection. Your partner has been annoying you recently due to their jealously, maybe you had a fight the other day. Are you saying you wouldn't even feel a *smidgen* of temptation there? And this is assuming you're a good person with strong integrity. What if you're just a normal person who makes mistakes from time to time?

[EC]

A total cheater is going to cheat, yes. But sometimes a good couple can have a rough patch, or an outsider goes for one of them and in the heat of the moment they can be tempted & cheat once.

 

Do you really think 100% of people in marriages & long-term relationships have never ever been tempted? Isn't it better to head off temptation early, rather than sit back and just passively hope that someone going full-on to seduce your patner won't succeed?

 

Seriously - imagine your ideal fantasy. You are "just friends" for 6 months or so (since after all, there's no chance you would cheat right?). Then one night you have a great conversation, you've both had some drinks, and you are feeling a special connection. Your partner has been annoying you recently due to their jealously, maybe you had a fight the other day. Are you saying you wouldn't even feel a *smidgen* of temptation there? And this is assuming you're a good person with strong integrity. What if you're just a normal person who makes mistakes from time to time?

 

SIGGGH aye dont say that mental...He has told me before that he won't cheat, hasn't ever, and doesn't want or plan too... but that my attitude is what would make him. He has said that he feels that what good is it being such a good boyfriend if all he ever does is get accused anyways and that no matter what im always thinking he is up to no good. He said he likes to feel trusted and that if feeling that trust is what makes him behave because he feels he has something to live up to. But if not, then whats the point in being good? So I get scared that my jealousy will eventually make him cheat.

Correction..My biggest fear is that what he 'INTERPRETS' to be my jealousy will cause him to cheat..when in reality i'm not jealous..its just a respect thing. How can i explain that to him?

[whichwayisup]

EC, cook him a nice dinner, have a fun evening and keep it light. Laugh and be silly. Have sex and cuddle, just go with the flow.

 

If your jealously really is contributing to relationship problems, and he feels like no matter what he does or says, will turn into him cheating on you, maybe it's time to consider sorting out your feelings and going to talk to a therapist. Just an option.

[EC]

EC, cook him a nice dinner, have a fun evening and keep it light. Laugh and be silly. Have sex and cuddle, just go with the flow.

 

If your jealously really is contributing to relationship problems, and he feels like no matter what he does or says, will turn into him cheating on you, maybe it's time to consider sorting out your feelings and going to talk to a therapist. Just an option.

 

I will keep it light.

 

As for a therapist I have thought of it..but then I think the jealousy issues were from before because of the LDR. I have never really been jealous or insecure at all in the past. Even with other bfs. But with him our courtship began as an LDR so it was hard to learn to trust someone who was so far away. So when he moved down it still then took some adjusting.

Im ok now but just this incident stirred things up a bit. If I still feel this way though after a while I will consider talking to one.

[tanbark813]

SIGGGH aye dont say that mental...He has told me before that he won't cheat, hasn't ever, and doesn't want or plan too... but that my attitude is what would make him. He has said that he feels that what good is it being such a good boyfriend if all he ever does is get accused anyways and that no matter what im always thinking he is up to no good. He said he likes to feel trusted and that if feeling that trust is what makes him behave because he feels he has something to live up to. But if not, then whats the point in being good? So I get scared that my jealousy will eventually make him cheat.

Correction..My biggest fear is that what he 'INTERPRETS' to be my jealousy will cause him to cheat..when in reality i'm not jealous..its just a respect thing. How can i explain that to him?

 

It doesn't sound like you can. And that first paragraph sounds a bit off, especially the bolded part. That's basically admitting that it's not naturally in his character to not cheat. It's something he has to "live up to." Maybe that's being overly analytical but if I heard that come out of a gf's mouth it wouldn't sit well with me.

 

I seriously think you should take on some guy friends. He's obviously not listening to what you have to say.

[allina]

This sounds bad, and I think women have an amazing sense of what sounds and feels bad. For the time being try not to fight with him because that's like giving her opportunities to get at him. Here is a common scenario, lets use them for this one though it can apply to anyone

 

your bf- *looking pissed off*

black hair girl- "what's wrong?"

your bf- "me and my gf are fighting, she's so jealous, and always starting fights"

black hair girl- *in flirty girly voice* "Awww poor thing, that sucks, forget her for the night and come have fun with us"

your bf thinks- "wow black hair girl is so nice and cool, she understands me and isnt jealous like my gf"

 

And it isn't just what can happen with him, relationships are vulnerable in this state. Same thing can happen to you, just look at what Tan is saying

 

you- talking about bf being an ass

tanbark- "your bf is an idiot to not put you first"

you- "aww thanks"

tanbark- "if you were my gf I'd treat you right"

you- realize you can do better

 

I know tan didnt post those things word for word I'm just trying to say how these sort of situations open up possibilities for others to get involved/close. Does that make sense?

 

Also, remember that we all have out issues, and you are so young and beautiful, there are thousends of guys out there who would love to date you and treat you right.

[tanbark813]

And it isn't just what can happen with him, relationships are vulnerable in this state. Same thing can happen to you, just look at what Tan is saying

 

you- talking about bf being an ass

tanbark- "your bf is an idiot to not put you first"

you- "aww thanks"

tanbark- "if you were my gf I'd treat you right"

you- realize you can do better

 

 

Dammit, allina, you're messing up my game!

[allina]

 

Dammit, allina, you're messing up my game!

 

I know, I'm sorry, it was necessary to demonstrate my point

But does what I'm trying to say make sense?

[norajane]

S

IGGGH aye dont say that mental...He has told me before that he won't cheat, hasn't ever, and doesn't want or plan too... but that my attitude is what would make him.

 

Oh, no, no, no, no, NO! Uh-uh. He is gaslighting - making you believe that you're crazy with your supposedly unfounded suspicions (when ANY woman would be suspicious if her bf spends that kind of time with some other girl AND she finds a hair AND she finds a peach sweater); now he's turning it around on you and BLAMING you for his potential cheating, practically threatening that he's going to cheat if you don't stop asking him about his actions.

 

A man who isn't a cheater would never start cheating just because his gf was suspicious of a relationship he has. A man who isn't a cheater would try to reassure you, would back off from that relationship, and wouldn't try to make you think you're crazy for asking questions.

 

Aren't there any great guys out there that you'd like to date? Maybe it's time you started looking around. This guy is obviously not willing to change ONE SINGLE THING about his behavior to make you more comfortable, not one thing at all. That is the biggest red flag here. He refuses to make a single concession - it's all gotta be his way.

[EC]

Oh man things just got worse:mad:

 

We never go out during the week unless its together. So yesterday was my friends 21st b-day and I said baby its her 21st but its girl only I'm sorry.

 

He quickly then said fine then I will go out with my guy friends. I said on a thursday? He said yes. I said ok I didnt want to argue.

 

The club he was going to was near the one I was at and soon enough he comes into my club to look at what I was doing. While he was there we agreed we would meet up after and leave together and he left again.

 

I stay at the club for about two hours and then my friends decide to go to another club. I start calling him and nothing no pick up. I start stressing because the other club my friends wanted to go to was no where near where we where at the time and we were supposed to leave together. After 20 mins I give trying to call himand text him and I leave with my friends. An HOUR later he texts me with Muah! I was like wtf so I start calling him again and NO ANSWER? he just texted me? Then he finally calls me and is like im at a pub having drinks with the guys.

 

I was a little intoxicated and upset and I kept asking why he couldnt pick up my calls. He said themusic was loud and he didnt hear it. But you can text me I say and then not pick up again? wtf? So he gets mad at me for getting mad I tell him we are leaving the club to meet me at my house and he says no because now he is mad at me. He says he is going to eat with his frieds and I was so upset I hung up on him mid sentence and he never called back and I still haven't heard from him.

 

He's never acted so 'tough' after any figh he would call back and try to fix things. Lately its as if he wants to fight.

[tanbark813]

Man, I remember nights like that. No good can come from girls only/guys only nights out, especially when they're at public places.

[EC]

:GULP: He just called me and said he wants to pass by for lunch so we can talk.

 

I said ok and hung up.

 

Now I am worried. He's never said it like that. :(

[norajane]

:GULP: He just called me and said he wants to pass by for lunch so we can talk.

 

I said ok and hung up.

 

Now I am worried. He's never said it like that. :(

 

Stand your ground, sweets. You aren't wrong, and you aren't crazy. And frankly, it sounds like you've been pretty anxious for a while. Why don't you break up with him and take away his weekend lover?

[Walk]

How'd the "lunch" talk go?