Need Advise this is dragging on

[Dubb]

Some back round. My ex was in a 5 year LTR. They broke up and she found out he cheated. They both got involved in other relationships for a few months. They later tried to get back and it just didn't work. I came into the picture while they were trying to work things out. She is 23 I know young so I think it has a lot to do with what happen.

 

Well I was put on a break 4 months ago. This story is very long so I will leave it out unless you really want to hear all of it. She started talking about a break up with me and after a week of me trying to figure out how to fix things I ended it. I kept asking her during all of our talking but she kept telling me she didn't know. She said she felt like she needed to be alone. Told me she liked me a lot and I was the best BF she ever had.

 

Well after I ended things which she was mad about even tho I felt like she wanted out I tried getting her back. This is when she told me she felt like she needed a break from me. The next few days I asked her if she wanted to talk. She kept saying she didn't want to be upset anymore. This was over IM the whole time btw. I stayed off of AIM for a week. When I came back she spent the next 2 days trying to get my attention over IM. She would take her away message off when I came online or back from Idle. She did this for a few days. One day I logged on and she just signed off on me.

 

I chased her a little more but after a week or 2 of it I told her I no longer wanted to drag it out and felt like she was trying to move on and I would leave her be. She Imed me a few days later on Christmas. My brother died while we started dating and she actually starting talking breakup a day after his birthday. When she IMed me on Christmas I pretty much told her I didn't think I could forgive her. I felt like she bailed on me. She came back with what did you want me to do drag it out? I told you never deserved this. Than she told me she still felt the same way about me and still missed me. I told her how weird I thought it was and she kept saying don't wait for me. Me being stupid made it out like I would. I was way too upset about all of this to really think clear.

 

We talked a few days later I told her I was just gonna do my thing and there was not much more I could do. She said I know. Later during that convo I kinda freaked on her b/c I felt like she was being rude. I told her I didn't wanna be around for this and she spent enough time with me to do this on her own. I told her if I meet someone else it's on her. I also told her if she hooks up with someone else don't bother. She told me w/e and to just stop talking. I did and went away. She texed me New Years and I ignored it. She spent the next 2 weeks on aim playing more games and trying to get me to talk to her.

 

She than decided to stay off of AIM for 2 weeks. She never does that. When she came back I wrote her a letter. I told her I felt like she didn't give us the chance we should of got. I told her I hope she takes her time and just enjoys her life. I said a bunch of stuff. She responded with I never wanted to just stop talking to you. You did that. I let her know that I had to for me and I had more than just her going on in my life. I also told her I felt like us talking was making things worse and putting pressure on her.

 

I went to talk to her that night on AIM and at first she was not responding. I told her I just wanted to clear the air. I need to know what she was thinking and feeling and I told her I could handle any response she gave me. When she didn't respond I let her know that I would not contact her again. She than told me she was just making lunch heh. She didn't want to talk about us at all. I kept it short and told her I was just thinking about her and was gonna go to bed.

 

A few weeks went by and she contacted me. I kinda blew her off saying I had to go and I was gonna be late but nice hearing from you. The next 5 days she would take her away message off every time I came online or back from idle. Once she stopped doing that i contacted her. We talked for a bit and she kinda blew me off. Told me she had **** to. I just said ok and bye. A few days later she IMed me again. Wanted to tell me about her friend who had a baby. I asked a few questions and than told her I had to go. She didn't even say bye.

 

I waited a few more day and sent her an IM. We talked for a few minutes but she was playing with me and I knew it. She would wait before she responded to me. Pauses and such like she was busy talking to someone else. I told her I had to go. I stayed off AIM for a good few weeks. When I signed back on she signed off right away and came right back on. I ignored it. I went on a few days later and again she signed off and came right back on. The next day she did it again but finally said Hi to me later on. We didn't talk about anything. I asked how she was and she said she was tired. She asked me and a second after that said I am really tired, i just wanted to say hi and will talk to you later goodnight. I said goodnight.

 

We were together about 6 months. We spent 2 months before that really getting to know each other and her helping me through my bro's death.

 

I really don't know what my next step is here. Trying to move on but being in Limbo sux. I don't hurt much from this anymore but if I can save a relationship I feel I should. My problem is I asked her what went wrong in the relationship and she said it had nothing to do with me she just needed time. I feel like it is up to her to come back.

 

Thanks for any help on this. Feel free to ask questions if you need. There is so much i had to leave out.

[silentcharon]

My problem is I asked her what went wrong in the relationship and she said it had nothing to do with me she just needed time. I feel like it is up to her to come back.

 

So give it to her. She says she needs time and space, so give it to her. Go NC and move on with your life. She'll be back before you know it, and hopefully, you'll have your stuff straightened out by then. You two are playing a ridicious game where you both will lose if you keep it up. You'll eventually piss each other off. Ignore her im's, emails, and so on, she is treating you as if she no longer wants you in her life, but she does. Call her bluff and go NC. She'll either figure out that she really wants you, or if she doesn't, without having to play stupid games with you.

 

Good luck.

[Dubb]

I plan to stay off of AIM. I hate being rude but I think she might have to realize the finality of her actions. I get the feeling she might try and tex me Easter. I don't know what to do if she does. I actually hope she don't!

[silentcharon]

I plan to stay off of AIM. I hate being rude but I think she might have to realize the finality of her actions. I get the feeling she might try and tex me Easter. I don't know what to do if she does. I actually hope she don't!

 

Yes, and that will only happen if you go NC and STAY in NC. She's not going to realize the 'finality' of her actions if you allow her to break NC. The only reason she breaks NC is to play games with you. And that's easy, if she texts you for easter, don't reply.

[Tormented]

Well I was put on a break 4 months ago. This story is very long so I will leave it out unless you really want to hear all of it. She started talking about a break up with me and after a week of me trying to figure out how to fix things I ended it. I kept asking her during all of our talking but she kept telling me she didn't know. She said she felt like she needed to be alone. Told me she liked me a lot and I was the best BF she ever had.

 

Dubb, I'm sorry she's putting you through all this crap. It sucks.

 

Personally, I don't think she's over the ex. Despite the fact that he cheated on her, they spent quite awhile together and that's not something she can easily erase. At this point in her life, she's hurt and she's angry at what the ex did to her. To be cheated on after all that time together is the ultimate betrayal.

 

I think she does care for you but the breakup, and the betrayal surrounding it, has done a number on her head. She's angry and most likely suffers from low self-esteem. Breakups like the one she suffered with her ex is bound to cause one to loose confidence. And that's where you come in...

 

Unfortunately, because she IS angry with her ex - you're dealing with her wrath rather than him. In other words, you're paying HIS bill. And the sad part? She most likely doesn't realize she's doing this.

 

The reason she keeps playing this "hit and run" game with you is because she NEEDS you in her life for 2 reasons. To regain her self-esteem, and an object to lash out at.

 

Again, I don't think she's doing it on purpose, probably doesn't even know she's doing it, but really - a betrayal like that is bound to screw with her head.

 

My advice? You can either realize what she's going through and stick in there with the hope she snaps out of it...realizes she DOES care deeply for you and can fully heal with this realization. However, there are no guarantees this will happen.

 

Or...

 

Cut your losses and walk away. It really isn't fair to you the games she's playing, regardless of the reason why.

 

I guess it all depends upon how much you care for her and how much you'll endure till she "comes around." If, in fact, she does.

 

It's a risk either way, but one you'll have to decide.

 

Hang in there! I know it hurts...I DO know.

 

~T~

[Dubb]

You hit it dead on. I felt like I was paying for someone else's mistakes. I also noticed how low her self esteem was. I would say nice things to her and she had no idea how to take them. When we were breaking up I told she had so much to offer she didn't even realize it. She said like what? I think the best path for me is to move on. I don't think I can lose that way. I was pretty good to her and when the fog does clear she will realize that. She knew enough to realize that after only 5 months with me. I think a lot of things came into play here. Her being young and not getting to experience the single life is one of them. She also bought a house which was a huge step.

[Tormented]

I think the best path for me is to move on. I don't think I can lose that way. I was pretty good to her and when the fog does clear she will realize that.

 

 

Yeah, I think that's the best way to go, Dubb. I know it hurts, but you have to ask yourself how masochistic do you want to be in this relationship? If you find that you can not take this much hurt, then it's best to cut the ties and move on. It hurts, I know...but one final hurt is better than several more.

 

And you're right, she WILL realize what she lost, but by that time, it will be too late. Don't be surprised when she comes at you strong when she realizes you've had enough...for good. In fact, the more you resist her, the stronger she will pursue you out of sheer panic.

 

Thing is, when we allow people to walk all over us the way she did, and the way my ex TRIED to, they don't respect us. People always want what they can't have. If we make ourselves "easily obtainable," then we lose value in their eyes. They will take us for granted, figure we're hooked enough that they can treat us any way they so wish.

 

BUT - if we stand up and say, "I will not allow you or anybody to treat me this way...I'm outta here!", suddenly...they find a whole new respect for you and now find you desireable.

 

Sad, I know...but that's human nature for ya!

 

~T~

[Mary3]

Questions :

 

How far away did she live from her ex ?

 

Did they meet on the computer ?

 

Did you both meet on the computer ?

 

Did you both live in the same city ?

 

This IM cat and mouse game is garbage. Please take her off your contacts . You want to deal with a real woman not a childish one who plays AIM games.

[Dubb]

1. No idea how far they lived. The ex was out of the picture when we were involved. He called a few times in the beginning but she told me every time. The one time he texed her when she was with me and I didn't even ask who it was she openly told me.

 

2. No they met in High School.

 

3. No we met at work

 

4. We live like 15 mins from each other.

 

hey Tormented is there any way for me to get in touch with you? There is a lot a left out but would love to talk with you a bit more.

[CaliGuy]

The only thing I can add is you both are very confused on what you want. She doesn't know for sure, but the more you chase her the more she is going to run away.

 

Stay off IMs. Don't make any attempt to contact her. Get busy with your life and if her heart changes, it will be on her own and not from something you do.

 

She's young, confused and well, that's just life at that age. You really should get away from the PC and IMs and start hanging out with friends and enjoying all that life has to offer you. Why wrack your brain over someone who can't even explain what she is thinking?! In other words, you won't help her out of her confusion. She'll do that in time.

 

Time away from you.

[Trialbyfire]

This IM cat and mouse game is garbage. Please take her off your contacts . You want to deal with a real woman not a childish one who plays AIM games.

Agreed. Since this isn't an LDR, stop these AIM, text games. Pick up the phone and call her. Better yet, see if you can't arrange a face-to-face meeting. If it doesn't fix the problem, at least you'll have a real person to have finality with.

[Dubb]

Thanks for the advice. I agree with the IM thing. I tried to get her to see me when this first went down. She would not see in person or talk to me on the phone. I called a few times but once I felt like it was hitting the point that I was desperate, I stopped. I erased her numbers when this all happen. She texed me a month later and I erased it again. She said some things to me that made me feel like she knows she has me if she wants me. That is why I feel like i need her to come to me. I am not fully over her but by no means am I stuck on her. I just have had no luck finding a girl for me.

[Trialbyfire]

You're still playing the game of who will break first. When one breaks first, the other one pushes them away.

 

If you go NC, make sure it's to heal, not to continue the game with the hope that she'll come crawling back to you. Be sure that this is what you want. Too many people use NC as a way to get their exes back, then get burned badly when they don't.

[Dubb]

You're still playing the game of who will break first. When one breaks first, the other one pushes them away.

 

If you go NC, make sure it's to heal, not to continue the game with the hope that she'll come crawling back to you. Be sure that this is what you want. Too many people use NC as a way to get their exes back, then get burned badly when they don't.

 

 

I have the intentions to just heal. I just feel like if she really wanted this to work out she would say something. I mean I told her before I wanted to work this out and she told me she needed time. I would just assume if she was ready she would tell me. She hurt me and she knows that. If she can't come to me and say I am sorry I made a mistake than I am probably better off w/o her.

[Trialbyfire]

I have the intentions to just heal. I just feel like if she really wanted this to work out she would say something. I mean I told her before I wanted to work this out and she told me she needed time. I would just assume if she was ready she would tell me. She hurt me and she knows that. If she can't come to me and say I am sorry I made a mistake than I am probably better off w/o her.

Hasn't she been texting you and you've been erasing the texts?

[Dubb]

No, she IMed me a few weeks ago. She spent a good 3 days before that signing off AIM the minute I would log in. She would sign off and come back real fast. Did that to me every time I logged on.When she finally IMed me it was about nothing and she was quick to say I am tired and I just wanted to say hi and I will talk to you later. The last text I got from her was New Years. Maybe I should bite the bullet and just ask her out to talk.

[Trialbyfire]

If you need resolution one way or the other, one of you has to bite the bullet. Keep in mind that breaking NC can be very painful. Weigh the odds of what you need most.

[Dubb]

The more I think about it the more I will just leave it in her hands while I get on with my life. If she contacts me I will decide than what to do. I feel pretty good and I guess there is no point going backwards. Lol what an experience.

[Trialbyfire]

Good. You've now got a clear plan in mind, using NC to heal, not to continue the game.

[Dubb]

Yeah I think it's best. She just confused me with all that signing on and off when I would come online.

[Dubb]

Heh anyone think I should have 1 last talk with her. Maybe set things straight and see if we can get on the same page? That way I can at least go NC knowing I tried.

[krzr]

do what u feel is best so u dont regret anything. just dont go into it with expectations. i would stay the no contact but in the end its up to you and how ur feeling there is no textbook for this stuff. but u know that if she did love u she would be in ur arms and not needing space but sometimes ppl do need space and time to themselves so no contact gives her that and lets her think about things without any pressure from u. contacting her will probably just push her farther away at this point.

[Dubb]

She blew me off. Didn't even respond to my IM. I said I wanted to settle this back and forth game with you but it seems it's clear in your head. I told her I needed closure and I guess I got it. I said it sucked being stuck in limbo. Told her it was really hard trying to do the right thing when you don't know what that is. I said take care and I am gonna block/delete you now b/c I never wanna be where I am not wanted. I guess that is life heh

[Dubb]

Well I put it out there one last time with her. Think I did the right thing? I feel like it is easier to move on to just get out.

 

ME: Glad I caught you while you were Idle

Me: This whole situation has confused me to no end

ME: I really don't know why you contacted me the other week

Me: I told you before I didn't want to pressure you and felt like if you were ready to start a relationship again you would let me know

Me: I didn't want to stay in constant contact for the reason right now

ME: you blowing me off

ME: I will just lay it out one last time with you and get going

ME: I would of liked to have a relationship with you but understood you had to what was best for you

ME: I understood then and I understand now

ME: I had to what was best for me too tho

ME: I do still care about you

ME: I actually felt if I really cared about you I should of let you go from the start

ME: I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning

ME: things I have never done and will never do again

ME: I learn from everything

ME: You seemed so confused when we breaking up

ME: To be honest I feel like you were mad at your ex and I payed his bill

ME: No way I treated you bad enough to get the wrath I got

ME: Not blaming you at all

ME: I was never really mad at you just upset that I didn't handle the situation better

ME: I had way too much going on at once for me to really handle it all

ME: I really just want you to be happy and if this is what you feel you need to do I am ok with it

ME: You could of told me tho=) I can handle honesty

ME: Well you know how I feel. I think hiding feeling only leaves to regrets and I don't want any b/c I know this is the last time I will ever contact you again.