Undateable and tired of it.

[deaconblues]

I am a 27 year old man, never had a girlfriend in my life, and have never had an intimate encounter of anykind. I just don't know how to do this...

 

I am afraid that I am in the percentage of people who will never, ever be able to find love because of physical flaws that I may or may not have. First of all, I am short. I have been told many times that women don't like short men. I don't know if it's true, but I am beginning to believe it more and more...

 

I try to keep myself in shape...a lot of the times I forget to eat and may be too thin (I realized this a year ago when I tried to buy pants and they weren't selling 28 waists anymore...I have been battling eating disorder on and off for at least 10 years now). I have been in CBT for a while, but I don't know if it is going to take.

 

Looking at the prospect of a lifetime alone is awfully hard for me, but so is going out and meeting people. I just believe that I am so physically flawed that people will dismiss me, and I honestly believe that I am just not good enough as a person to meet the standard of relationship material.

 

I am reaching the end of my rope. One time a friend told me "you can always just pay for sex", but I don't want to do that. It isn't even about sex. It's about living this same life every day until my dying days...sitting in my apartment alone and working or playing the piano long hours to distract myself from feelings of worthlessness. I am just so exhausted from depression, and just so, so sad...

[daydreamerz]

I understand how you feel because I am 20 and have very little experience in the dating arena. A lot of times I really believe that I'm going to end up spending the rest of my life alone. I've started to realize that it has more to do with myself though than with the guys I meet. I have very low self-esteem and if I feel that no one is going to find my dateable or want to be with me, than most likely they won't. You sound like you have self-esteem issues as well, which I'm sure is a large factor in not being able to find a relationship. I know it's extremely clichéd, but you're not going to find anyone else to love you when you don't love yourself. People can sense when someone is not confident and confidence is one of the main things that attract most people.

[Starry-eyed]

Deaconblues, I'm so sorry for the pain and frustration you're feeling. I can imagine how hopeless you feel. But don't give up hope! The only things I can offer are things that you have probably heard many, many times already: get into therapy to deal with your self-esteem and self-image, think positively that life IS worth living and you WILL meet someone, and try to not to measure your life but how you see others.

 

I know lots of short men that are married or have girlfriends and are happy people. There are women who like short men and women who don't care about height. Obviously, having an eating disorder indicates some emotional difficulties and issues with control/feeling out of control. I'm not sure what "CBT" is, but I hope you are getting help for the eating disorder.

 

You are NOT worthless or flawed - you are who you are and you have to realize that you ARE loveable. Same to you, daydreamerz! Hugs to both of you!

[dgiirl]

Superficially speaking, men like big boobed skinny women and women like tall men.

 

I'm a size A Unless I get implants, nothing's going to change that. Does that mean I'll never date again? I certainlly hope not. I use my chest size to gauge a guy's interest. If he's interested in me, even with smaller breasts, then I know he's interested in *ME* and not some superficial body part.

 

You might be short. That's the card life threw at you and there's not much you can do to change that. But there's certainly a LOT more to you than just your height.

 

I agree with Daydreamerz, confidence is the key to success in life. If you keep telling yourself you are ugly or have some physical flaw, then you are going to FEEL ugly and FEEL like you have some physical flaw, real or not. If you FEEL like crap, then you cant engage anyone else and make them feel great! We're often attracted to other's who make us feel good about ourselves. And we're often unattracted to other's who require too much energy to make them feel great. It's a bit of give and take and they need to be balanced equally. If someone takes too much from the relationship, the other get's drained of energy and eventually becomes unattracted.

 

This is why you need to learn to love yourself first. If you love yourself, then you build up confidence and the energy to share with others. Once you start making other's feel good, they'll be drawn to that and start giving back to you. But you also cant go to the opposite extreme, and give TOO much either. It's a nice balance.

[AHIWON]

Try this: http://www.alphaconfidence.com It will change your outlook completely.

[Quinch]

I'm sure there is a short girl out there who is looking for a guy who isn't too tall. Hope you find her soon

 

CBT = Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

[Yamaha]

Try this: http://www.alphaconfidence.com It will change your outlook completely.

 

 

Nice plug.....

[Green]

girls arnt that hard to get. I mean if you ask a girl out to dinner just steal a kiss and theres ur first sexual experience. Just when ur talking to her order a few drinks and then quickly go in for a kiss she'l either enjoy it or... get pissed of either way you win, sexual experience acomplished. As far as paying women for sex I say do it indirectly such as buy expensive tickets to say a Justin Timberlake concert and invite a hot chick give them something they cant say no to. Rent a limo and go cruising around the clubs in a nice suit one night I gaurantee some girl will jump in then go back to ur nice hotel room and bang them... that could be ur first time.

[bridget_jones]

KMT, that sounds very special!

 

Original Poster, I recommend getting out of the house and pursuing your interests by joining a club or a group....It's hard often to have the courage to do that, but say you really enjoy science fiction books, join a science fiction book club. They actually have one of those at the Barnes and Noble here. It's a good way to start up conversations with women, and you know they have a similar interest to you.

Or they have these walking clubs....I know a couple who met doing that!

See what I'm getting that? Put yourself in places where there will be women who have similar interests to you.

I am a hypocrite, I have been a total homebody lately (thus my very active post history lately.)

[Karma24]

A man that I was madly in love with and had amazing chemistry with is 5' 5"; an inch shorter than me. What turned me on about him was his confidence (among other things). I am very attractive and educated and all that. I did not settle for this guy because I had to.

 

You have to un-convince yourself that it's about your height. It's not.

[Karma24]

Superficially speaking, men like big boobed skinny women and women like tall men.

 

I'm a size A Unless I get implants, nothing's going to change that. Does that mean I'll never date again? I certainlly hope not. I use my chest size to gauge a guy's interest. If he's interested in me, even with smaller breasts, then I know he's interested in *ME* and not some superficial body part.

 

You might be short. That's the card life threw at you and there's not much you can do to change that. But there's certainly a LOT more to you than just your height.

 

I agree with Daydreamerz, confidence is the key to success in life. If you keep telling yourself you are ugly or have some physical flaw, then you are going to FEEL ugly and FEEL like you have some physical flaw, real or not. If you FEEL like crap, then you cant engage anyone else and make them feel great! We're often attracted to other's who make us feel good about ourselves. And we're often unattracted to other's who require too much energy to make them feel great. It's a bit of give and take and they need to be balanced equally. If someone takes too much from the relationship, the other get's drained of energy and eventually becomes unattracted.

 

This is why you need to learn to love yourself first. If you love yourself, then you build up confidence and the energy to share with others. Once you start making other's feel good, they'll be drawn to that and start giving back to you. But you also cant go to the opposite extreme, and give TOO much either. It's a nice balance.

 

Yeah. What she said.

[justagirlforever]

deaconblues, I can understand much of what you are possibly dealing with - even if not in the same way.

I too battled and ED for (gosh, it's a long time) more or less 20 years. So I won't go into how it more or less ruined my life for myself and those around me during this time. How I lived in a little world of my own in isolation for so long - shutting myself out from everything around me and. Including any contact with men. I didn't even kiss a guy until I was 27 - never mind date!

 

It took me a long time (years) and an immense inner strength to fight against that which held me for so long. But it also took many visits to the doctors, medication (for the ED and depression) and therapy. During these years I kept journals. And now reading back I simply cannot believe that that was me. The deep darkness and isolation was incredible. The eternal deep tiredness above all. So much so that I can hardly identify with that person that was me for so long. But it's been roughly 6 years since then and I've come a long long way. I don't think I'll ever ever be free of that. Much I guess as an ex alcoholic or anyone who's had an additcion. I still need to (subconciously) watch myself and know my triggers to not go down certain routes.

 

So can you. If you absolutely honestly want to. But you cannot do it on your own and you must seek professional help. Don't give up. Don't resign yourself to a life of isolation.

Once you're working on your inner self, the superficial hight issue (and I' not belittling what you feel by saying this) will become far less of an issue.

You cannot find what you're looking for through someone else. You cannot start a relationship with the hope of it working without first working on yourself. Because you are so vulnerable, if it fails, it will only throw you in deeper into your battles.

The only way to move into life, is to accept yourself for who you are. And learn to love yourself.

 

Best of luck.

[Zankon]

like how short are we talking? (just want to know to give you a better perspective)

[justagirlforever]

like how short are we talking? (just want to know to give you a better perspective)

He's 5"7 (info and photo in one of his other threads)

[DownwardSpiral1984]

I understand how you feel dude.

I am 22 years old and have never been in a relationship. I used to be an avid gamer but about a year ago I stopped my bad habits and started working out at the gym. I have to say, being more fit does help raise my low self-esteem. I also realized that looks are actually not that important to girls. This may sound cocky of me but I have friends who are not attractive at all but they get girls left and right. It is confidence and how you carry yourself that girls notices and find attractive about a guy.

 

Yes...analysis is analysis, but I do not possess that degree of confidence and I am struggling to maintain a positive self image.

 

Most girls I talked to wanted to be just friend. And 2 girls that I am really interested in...end up going out/ making out with my close friends.

 

This happened just 2 days ago. It was a end of semester Prom-like party. In the beginning, I was really excited because I had asked this amazing looking girl to be my date. However, I soon realize that she seemed to be more interested in everybody else than me. Everytime I suggested something she would say "No, its okay, im fine"....but when other people suggest the same thing, she'll say "sure...oh awesome!!" This repeatedly happen throughout the night and I played along with it..you know...smiles and everything. And later on during the afterparty, she was making out with one of my friends in front of me.

 

:-p It was very sad indeed. I can't help but question what I had done wrong. Was I not confident enough for her? Was I not interesting enough for her? Should I not get her a little flower in the beginning? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

 

Keep in mind, that similar thing happened twice to me. I am not a super human. My self-esteem and confidence is beat down one time after another.

 

anyway...that is my pathetic story...hopefully I can get some adivce from y'all.

[Green]

ur not pathetic it shouldnt matter to you if a few girls turned you down. you got to make out with these girls right off the bat get sexual with them if thats what you want. read a romance novel or something it will show you how its done.